Newbies Nest

[Pie]

Hi Moni, From one pain in the ass to another, Good Morning, and happy to be sharing space with you here on MWO!

Pie

[moni]

Ava - I've just read your post. That's crazy. Some people just really don't get it. Good for you deciding he wasn't worth it. How was he going to 'control YOUR Drinking'? Hypnosis?!

[Pie]

Hi STL, I agree, sobriety is about developing coping skills to deal with life's curve balls. I was going to say that I have many bad coping habits to break, but really there's just the one: not taking that 1st drink. Appreciate your post!

Pie

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters,

Happy hump day to all
Can't believe how close it is til Christmas, so much to do. Not going to worry about it - that's for sure!

Ava, that guy really has some BALLS to suggest he would help you control your drinking. That is just wrong on so many levels :sad:
Good for you protecting your boundaries & giving him the shove!!!

Moni, each time you check in here you gain a little strength & wisdom - keep it up

Wishing everyone a great AF Wednesday!

Lav

[Londoner]

Hey guys - I hope you're all well and getting through this festive period

Just checking in here, it's been a while.

Slowly but surely, each failed attempt is teaching me something. It's how we pick ourselves up that defines us.

I have realised that I have been using drink, computers, sugar etc. as an escape from my true underlying emotions. These 'rewards' mean I get a hit of short term comfort without having to challenge myself or to really change at all.

But in the long term, you can feel it eating away at you. The numbing you are doing to yourself with these vices. Short term gratification isn't fulfilling at all.

And so, I have reached a point where I am learning to live. I am learning to be comfortable in who I am. I am learn to be non-judgemental. I working on self development.

I can only do this without drink and if I learn to live with these emotions instead of blocking them out. If I want to help others I have to help myself first. To learn from my past, present and future and that of others too.

Something that resonated with me recently was a passage from a book. In short, it basically said that we humans drink or use drugs because we cannot love or be loved. The drink numbs us temporarily, but these feelings of isolation only grow stronger when we sober up. And so we need more AL to numb ourselves further. I haven't been able to love myself for a long time. And I haven't been able to love others either. This is a big learning curve. To open up to people can feel like we are under threat. But in fact, being open will give us the chance to love and be loved. This is my goal for the next year or so.

17 days into another stint. This time I have put more time and energy into defining where I am now and where I want to be. The where I want to be has been made important. More important than wasting my life away with drink.

I won't be on here everyday, but I will be checking in at milestones as I grow stronger in body and mind.

Keep it up and let's travel this journey together

[Cocoflo]

Good Morning,

Wow, Byrdie, the "Relapse in Retrospect" thread is very powerful! I've been listening to the bubble hour & it seems like relapse is far before the actual drink. After thinking about when it has happened to me, that is definitely the case.

Ava, Good for you! It is interesting that it seems so important to him that you drink when you are together.

Happy Wednesday to all!

cocoflo

[moni]

Vicious circles and excuses:
My excuses for drinking: lonely, unhappy, feel useless
How I feel the day after drinking: lonely, unhappy, feel useless

[Byrdlady]

Good Morning, All!
Moni, we love hearing from you, so don't be shy, come on and just post what you are thinking at that moment....if you are thinking it, odds are, we are, too....and talking about it and knowing we aren't alone helps a lot! This place DOES help and that's why I haven't left it! (worlds oldest newbie)
AVA, I've now heard it all! That was really BIG of him to offer to help you control an addiction. He should write a book about it, really, not sure one has been done on this subject. "How to Enable Others So We Don't Have to Drink Alone" "Miserable loves Miserable Company" "How to Help an Addict Control Their Addiction (and just drink when YOU do)" "Impossible Dreams" What a boob! I hope you kick his ass and kick it again for all of us!!! That's just about as selfish a thing as I've heard!!! Well, actually, I've seen it on here many times where spouses longingly 'wish' we could drink with them in a controlled manor. In fact my own hubs offered to be the guardian of the allotment of wine, keeping it to two reasonable glasses a night. For the normal drinker, this would have been great! But for ME, I soon began resenting the small pours he was giving me (they felt small, compared to my heavy hand). It wasn't long before I was helping myself to unlimited supplies in my closet, that'll show HIM for cheating me out of what I deserve! Our alkie minds are really twisted when it comes to our fix. The only way to control it is by starving it. Normal drinkers just DO NOT get our fixation on AL. They can't! Until you've felt that compulsion you can't advise me on how it works. It definitely takes an addict to HELP an addict.

Hope everyone has a peaceful day today!! Stay strong....no matter what and no matter who!! Byrdie

[Pavati]

Hi, All:

Quick check in on my way to work. I actually was so busy yesterday that I forgot to check in. I got all ready for bed, settled in to my pillow and then it hit me that I hadn't checked in here. By that time I wasn't getting out of bed - sorry.

I'll read back later. I hope you all have a great, sober days.

Pav

[Fin]

I was put to the ultimate test last night. Our small company dinner. Very intimate, three couples. Big wines were being poured in these massive glasses that made it all the more obvious I wasn't drinking. The restaurant is probably one of the top three in our city, but I was pissed.

The staff really didn't know what to do with me. I told the waiter from the beginning I wouldn't be drinking. After an odd look, he acknowledge only to be delivered a glass moments later. I had to again call out the fact that I was the odd ball. I hated it. Then, not one person on the staff of probably six that were working our table asked what else I might like to drink so I'm sitting there like an idiot with nothing while the rest of the crew is toasting. I have to make a lame gesture with my water glass in response. Again, awkward and I hated not being able to take part in the ritual.

I then track down the host and ask for a soda water / Roses lime juice "cocktail". He smugly says, "we don't use Roses. We have fresh lime juice." Fine, just get me something to fucking drink asshole. Once I get my drink, it's great and I'm happy, whole and complete. However, once I finish it no one ever asks if I'd like another. Meanwhile the wine is flowing big time. Staff coming by every five minutes with the decanter toping everyone one's beautiful glass. Me? I'm sitting there dry as dirt. I'm starting to really hate being there and the tension is almost palpable (or was it only in my mind?). So, I ask again for a refill which comes after what seemed like an eternity. Meanwhile and again, the wine is readily flowing.

Then the question hits. "So, why aren't you drinking?" Oh shit. Here we go. "Why not save the abstinence for after the holidays?" I finally just tell them that I need a break from the daily consumption. Again, it gets awkward and I can see them all thinking or forming new impressions of me. Fuck, hate this. Why does this have to be such a big deal? Maybe it wasn't and I'm just being overly paranoid. What I do know is that my experience sucked.

What I came to realize is yeah, of course it sucked. My message to myself was that I'm only two weeks into this new self. It's going to take time to build confidence and new skills for dealing with asshole waiters and anyone else who shoots me some negative expression for my choice. I need new ideas for alternative drinks to order. I need to be able to confidently make it clear that I'm not a drinker in a manner that doesn't somehow make me appear unsophisticated, or a lesser a person at the table.

I keep saying this, but if it were not for MWO and all the collective support that I have in my mental toolbox (thanks to you all), I would have never made it through the night. I'm now that much more resolved to rising above this bullshit that we have to drink in certain social settings. I am tremendously grateful I didn't cave and have broken the ice with my team. In other words, I'll never have to explain myself to them again -- they'll just know. And next year, it's my pick for our restaurant and we'll be going somewhere a lot less pretentious.

That is all. Be Good,
-Fin

[KENSHO]

Howdy pardners. I woke up feeling hungover! I think it was lack of sleep (working late), and the junk food I ate before bed. I have felt that so little over the past few months - SO glad to not to experience it every morning!!!!! How did I DO that? What a waste of time and health!

Daisy - you crack me up with your mice. They like you! I hope you find them a new home soon, as I know you don't like them

Londoner - thanks for your thoughts about loving ourselves.

Ava - Really?? Well he's not for you then. He may not truly understand what he is asking of you, but to ask someone to do ANYTHING they clearly don't want to do is not ok. Glad you chose you first. I really believe the right people come to us (whether they are here to love us or test us). Thanks for being a leader with your actions. I also wanted to tell you that it always warms my heart to read about the love and care you give Robert. I appreciate you sharing.

Well, the days seem to be creeping by - this is where I get a bit impatient. I FEEL like a non-drinker. I ACT like a non-drinker. I AM a non-drinker. I look forward to those days racking up. Time + NO alcohol = the peace I want. I feel lucky to be able to be here. Thank you all.

[narilly]

AVA, I've now heard it all! That was really BIG of him to offer to help you control an addiction. He should write a book about it, really, not sure one has been done on this subject. "How to Enable Others So We Don't Have to Drink Alone" "Miserable loves Miserable Company" "How to Help an Addict Control Their Addiction (and just drink when YOU do)" "Impossible Dreams" What a boob! I hope you kick his ass and kick it again for all of us!!! That's just about as selfish a thing as I've heard!!!

I can't say it better than Byrdie! Holy Moley Ava, what a dork. Good thing you have so much strength and can give him the boot!

Daisy- those damn mice! They DO like you. Hey, your ex is texting you? That can be a bit tempting...don't let him lead you to drink. Stupid AL!

Londoner, nice to hear from you.

Please come back here everyone, it really helps. I know I would be drinking if it wasn't for MWO. Last night you were a Rock Star Fin. Very proud of you!

I went to the new Hobbit movie last night with my daughter and it was really good. The special effects are amazing but I had to watch a million Orks get killed which gets a bit much.
I watched Flight with Denzel Washington again the other night and it was like I watched it for the first time. WOW! It is an incredible movie. I must have been drinking when I watched it the first time since I did not remember most of it. That used to happen to me all the time. There are so many movies I don't remember. Now I watch a movie and remember it, how awesome is that?

Big hugs, stay sober everyone.

[NoSugar]

Fin, I've had that experience of being treated as "less than" at a hoity toity establishment, also. It reflects poorly on the restaurant and the training they give -- I suspect it stems from the fact that they are making so much money on the booze and so very little on any AF beverage. I've had the opposite experience, too. I was at a business dinner at a Morton's Steak House (very $$$$) and when I declined wine the first time, the server went out of his way to keep my fancy water fresh and full. It was so nice and as this was in the early days for me (not as early as 2 weeks, though!!), it made a huge difference for me. I was able to thank him later and he gave me a really intense look. Since then I've wondered if perhaps he "recognized" me and knew how much he could improve my evening by what he did.

I hope you're very proud of yourself for what you managed last evening - it isn't easy. But it is always worth it.

PS Don't let your guard down now!! Sometimes making it through the big events leaves us vulnerable to returning to day-to-day habits when we relax a bit.

[KENSHO]

Hey Fin. What shitty service. I would have talked to the management after. Sorry you had to go through that. I know that I'm no expert, but I think that becoming comfortable at gatherings while not drinking is a reflection of being comfortable with ourselves with not drinking. People really could care less what you or I do, they just want us to be happy and not hold up the party. If they see that we are struggling or feeling ashamed or damaged, it makes them uncomfortable. I think people pick up on and react to what we project we are feeling. I have tried acting completely thrilled with my decision not to drink... and next time I met with these people, they greeted me with a Perrier. Doing it a couple times has made it feel much easier to say "I don't drink" with a smile - like "What, you are going to question what makes me happy?" I don't know if that's helpful or not. I just know that I felt terrible in group settings until I just did it with a smile a few times and now I couldn't care less.

I hope you have a better day. It sucks that so many people drink. Hang tough! You are ahead of me in numbers - keep blazin' trail for me!

[narilly]

Fin, I second what everyone says, Way to go! So short sighted on their part. That is a tough test for sure, now you can tackle anything!

Ava, I am proud of you too, in case I didn't say that!

I love that Soft Focus, "bollocks to them" I second that!

NS, ya, I bet that guy knew something about having an AL problem. So many people have a problem with AL, its quite amazing that it is legal.