Newbies Nest

[Byrdlady]

Morning Nesters!
Internet finally back. May have been a good thing it went out when it did! :haha:
So good to see familiar faces!

One of the first questions I asked when the 100 Day thread was getting started was 'Would you consider yourself an alcoholic?' This is an important question, it addresses whether or not we are in DENIAL. Sadly, I wrote the book on this stage, and an ugly book it is. That ACCEPTANCE piece of the puzzle is just critical. Why? My thinking is that the label, 'ALCOHOLIC' is a diagnosis. If I don't think I'm an alcoholic, why on Earth would I go thru all this harsh medicine to treat it? (Treatment is NOT ever drinking). So the short answer is, you wouldn't....and that's why I think we 'go back' so much is that we don't believe we are REALLY alcoholics. Call it whatever you want, but I KNOW that I should never drink again! So that's what I set out to do. One day at a time...no matter what. Drinking takes me BACKWARDS. I've been back there, and I don't like it one bit. Its cost is TOO high.

Kensho, I love your math analysis! That 1% of discomfort is NOTHING compared to the MindPeace that is available if you persist. Push forward! Hang in there everyone, you can make it to the other side! Byrdie

[lifechange]

Hi Nesters,
I'm back after a busy day at work and I did have to keep reminding myself that "I don't drink". I realised that I haven't been willing to do whatever it takes not to drink. I've been ok the past months pushing the thoughts gently aside or letting them roam around without acting, but not actively diverting-- perhaps even knowing that I would drink again sometime in the future and therefore finding the "break" from drinking not so difficult. I'm not sure.. it's just today, when I set my mind to, "I am an alcoholic and don't want to ever drink again", I've felt that the "I don't drink" has taken on more meaning. I feel ready to go to lengths that I haven't yet-- and try suggestions that I've been afraid to try before.
This morning when I was riding to work and feeling a bit overwhelmed with the number of things I wanted to get done today, it helped to follow Ava's advice and just name the 3 things I would do. Besides not drinking, go to work, get out the yoga mat and at least sit on it, figure out a financial plan for the next month.
Like a lot of people here have said, I tend to get easily overwhelmed with all of things I've let slide while drinking, all of the time wasted. I know it's important to stay in the present, practice gratitude, treat myself the way I would treat my daughter or my best friend if she were in the same situation.

Jennie, I'm looking forward to losing some of the fat I've gained the past year! I'm the heaviest I've ever been without a child inside. I'm also looking forward to getting to know you better.

Open halo, it's true what you said about coming back. I was in an AA meeting a while back and there was an older man, sober for 20 years who was travelling abroad for work and stopped into the meeting. He said, "there's never really an urge for me to drink any more but being far away from home I was feeling a bit funky and decided I needed to be with my people. And here I am". He was so happy to be with people who could understand him completely, accept him and support him. I really like that about AA-- I want to make more of an effort to get closer to people here.

[Overit-still]

Enzo's mom, Jenni-so good to see you back! I'm slithering back in myself.

Lifechange 'Right now it's difficult to be here because I feel like a phony. I feel like I've said everything a thousand times before and though I believe it in this moment I'm still not quite sure I'll handle things when I don't. I guess that's the reason I didn't come here last time I "quit"-- I thought I should just shut the f*** up and DO it.' It's everything I've been feeling since my first slip after 12/12/12.

[Overit-still]

Hi Nesters,
I'm back after a busy day at work and I did have to keep reminding myself that "I don't drink". I realised that I haven't been willing to do whatever it takes not to drink. I've been ok the past months pushing the thoughts gently aside or letting them roam around without acting, but not actively diverting-- perhaps even knowing that I would drink again sometime in the future and therefore finding the "break" from drinking not so difficult. I'm not sure.. it's just today, when I set my mind to, "I am an alcoholic and don't want to ever drink again", I've felt that the "I don't drink" has taken on more meaning. I feel ready to go to lengths that I haven't yet-- and try suggestions that I've been afraid to try before.

LiefChange-this is so awesome and TRUE! When I quit smoking years ago, one day I was in a JC Penney shopping and the thought came across "man I could really use a cigarette" you know, if you've ever smoked, that moment when you just need a break and a puff? But just as quickly as it flashed across my brain came the response "but wait, I don't do that anymore" and just like that it was gone. My brain actually took care of itself (imagine that) and as quickly as it came, it snuffed it out, and I shrugged and said "oh, OK" and moved along with my shopping. I never thought about it again, that quickly it was gone. I didn't moan about it or pout or get cranky, I just moved on. It's funny that I can still remember that single moment in my life like it was yesterday AND feel the importance of it. In my very being, I KNOW that if I take just one puff from a cigarette, it's all over. I mean it, it scares me that much. (That's also why I've never tried HARD drugs because I know, I'm an addict and it would only take once.)

So, the question is if that moment is still so prominent in my memory and soul, why do I get complacent about my drinking and thinking I can try it again and again.?

[TJAF]

[QUOTE=lifechange;1589060]Hi Nesters,
I realised that I haven't been willing to do whatever it takes not to drink. I've been ok the past months pushing the thoughts gently aside or letting them roam around without acting, but not actively diverting-- perhaps even knowing that I would drink again sometime in the future and therefore finding the "break" from drinking not so difficult. I'm not sure.. it's just today, when I set my mind to, "I am an alcoholic and don't want to ever drink again", I've felt that the "I don't drink" has taken on more meaning. I feel ready to go to lengths that I haven't yet-- and try suggestions that I've been afraid to try before. "


Lifechange, Hello! I can certainly relate to your comments. Like most alcoholics I have flirted with the romantic notion that somehow I can drink normally. When I first quit I also pushed aside the thought that it was permanent, that it was just a break. However, I had a eureka moment sometime before my first year anniversary. I was at a party and was sorely tempted. I thought why not! That somehow I was punishing myself. While this thought was bouncing about there was another thought that was lurking just behind my little pity party...I wasn't thinking about 1 drink. I wanted to get plastered...and that my friends was the Eureka moment. Fact is, I don't want to drink normally, I cant! One drink isn't enough nor is 2 nor is 3 nor is 4. I have and will drink until I can't physically drink anymore and when I wake up (if I wake up) I WILL start over again. That is the nature of the beast. There are no exceptions, no relief, no magic moment. I am an alcoholic and if I drink I wont stop...its why I'm here in the first place.

I'm not being dramatic here folks. Stop and think for a moment. Why in the world do we have to have an internal argument about our ability to moderate in the first place if it were truly possible. It just would be. So ask yourself when you have those thoughts about drinking...do you really only want one?

[Overit-still]

While this thought was bouncing about there was another thought that was lurking just behind my little pity party...I wasn't thinking about 1 drink. I wanted to get plastered...Fact is, I don't want to drink normally, I cant! One drink isn't enough nor is 2 nor is 3 nor is 4. I have and will drink until I can't physically drink anymore.

Bingo!

(It works the same with potato chips for me )

By the way, the first time I came to MWO someone said that it takes 3 days to get all the alcohol out of your system. Today is day 4! IM FREE!

[Resolve]

Lifechange, Patrice and Enzo - glad you're back and posting again. There's nothing phony about effort and keeping at this, and what you're bringing here again is perspective and experience that's valuable to everyone. You've got insight from all angles here and provide that needed awareness that this is about time, diligence and perseverance to get it right. We're all part of a network of like-minded people here that get that it's not a race to the finish line.

We've all been somewhere in this tiring loop at one point or another, and I hear the frustration of not being where you want as well as the determination to finally get there. Whatever we call the moment of enough is enough - clarity, rock bottom, alien abduction, who knows...what matters is getting to that point and no more retreating from it. It's that something that has to click and stick to not only get going on this path but to keep it going. And what Byrd, Lav and others have said about acceptance is really what has made the biggest difference for me. I've accepted that I can't drink, period. If I do, I'll be in a fight with alcohol and myself again and right back to square one. That loop will play out time and time again, and I'll lose every time.

I still have days where I feel like I'm meandering along but then get a good dose of daily grounding here. But at some point a roadmap unfolded after spending time here, and in many ways I've felt like a student again in that I read, study, listen and learn. And I've actually enjoyed feeling open and receptive in this way. I'm not plodding along on my own anymore, and though far easier said than done, I'm completely convinced that this can be achieved. Too many great examples around here can't be wrong.

Lav - if you are DC metro area or thereabouts then yep, you, me and the chickens are experiencing the same weather.

Ava - hope your procedure went well. I've had a few of those along with some basal cells removed in the past, mostly from my mug shot. It wasn't a bad experience and some involved a laser type procedure. Apparently sunblock would have been a good idea for me years ago? I'm glad your friend Robert is able to be there for you and is home now.

Enjoy the weekend all!

[Pinecone]

Hi friends, so many great posts today.

Enzo'smom (Jennie), welcome home!

I just wanted to back up Byrdie's comment about the peace that comes with time. There came a time for me right around 4 months where everything kind of leveled off nicely. My moods evened out and I felt like myself again. Push through is the best advice. The thing we really need the most is time away from that last drink. If we do that, then the other things will either fall into place or we can address them from a stable platform. I'm going to work on my sobriety in an incremental way.

Lifechange, I like the story about the old timer. It must have taken wisdom and humility, but god that's smart.

[Eloise]

I am liking this thread.

I have something to add, it is rather bizarre I haven't posted this yet. I guess I was thinking it is too horrible and didn't want to put it in writing.

Two years ago the mother of a dear childhood friend of mine was found dead in her house (actually her father's summer house in NH where she lived all year because she lost EVERYTHING due to the bottle).
She was found after 3 or 4 weeks, they couldn't be sure. She had entirely alienated herself from her family due to her drinking.
She had become demented because of the alcohol abuse and a bit of a lunatic. Her daughter, my friend, tried to have her locked up to protect her from herself, but the state couldn't do it as she wouldn't agree.
My friend and her father found her. My friend lived in another state and drove up to see what was going on? It was not uncommon for her mom not to answer her phone for long periods.

I went to visit my friend a few months after. What a terrible emotional mess her mother left behind. And the embarrassment, it has to be just overwhelming. My friend is at the top of her profession and I am sure it must be just so difficult to explain the situation. I understand what happened perfectly, our mothers drank together when we were kids. My friend feels so guilty. She feels she should have done more, she couldn't. Her mom would not accept help.

I am posting this to say that even this horrific situation did not stop my drinking. I had to see my husband's sister doing the same thing to herself for the lights to go on in my brain.
The power of alcohol is absolutely amazing. I started to imagine myself in their shoes and THAT is what finally stopped me. I started to understand that 'this' is how it all ends if you do not stop. That and the fact that I KNEW for a fact that this new marriage of mine was doomed to fail if I didn't stop drinking and get a backbone.
I hope no one is going to be offended by this statement. I am talking about myself, no one else. (( yeah see... I do still have some of that alcoholic selfishness left !! It's all about me. :kisses)

So yes, do what it takes to move through those cravings. They get easier to cope with. Do EVERYTHING you have to and stay sober, your life does depend on it. It does matter.

[MinStar]

Evening nesters. Hello old faces. I remember you jenniech and lifesaver


Just putting baby to sleep. Had the first 'I'm gonna go out and get a drink' moment just now.

He won't settle and I'm tired and frustrated.

Thank fully MWO on mobile and reading.
Dinner and bath for me so will check in later. Sorry haven't had time to read all posts. Just skimmed pages.

Hope everyone is ok x

[Matt M.]

Hey Freaks! Jk, kinda :kisses:...

Checking in, things are going well, just busy.
( Thanks Ken!)
Great to see some new/old timers coming back. I gotta say that is really bad ass, you should be proud of that.
If anyone is thinking about going back out for whatever reason, I would highly recommend reading back the last week or so. A stark reminder that if you have what I have or am what I am, and you drink the end game will be same as it was before likely worse. And that dreaded fucking Day 1 again.
I really appreciate all that have came back and shared their relapse stories, I read every last word, I have even began to take screenshots of stories that hit home with me, and save them to a folder, to read later.
One last thing on starting over and second chances, something I recently witnessed made me do a lot of thinking.
For those that don't know I am in public safety.
I have been to countless incidents and accidents of all kinds where alcohol was involved and likely the reason for the call. A young lady late twenties, that was driving "buzzed" and just over the legal limit of intoxication, not shit faced. ( Prob safe to say we've all been there) anyway she over corrected an S curve and rolled her vehicle, into another vehicle killing a young child, and she had minor injuries.
Found out a few days after this that the woman driving had been battling her alcohol addiction for a while.

I bring this up because, even though I have seen many tragedies that were alcohol related, this one tugged at many emotions, mainly just how Damn lucky I am that this didn't happen to me, as many times as I drove after just a "few"
2 lives were lost that day, one died and one that will spend alot of alone time in prison, begging to have that day back. All we have to do is go home to our familys and not drink. I'll take that over the later.
Not trying to be morbid, it's real life stories like this that I use protect my quit.
Stay Hard my peops!

[trinity875]

Hi hope everyone is having a good day and if not then sticking close by here. Just a quick check in in between shifts and bed time soon. Coming to the end of day nine. .... double figures tomorrow. I'm going to join the roll call to make it official 😀

[lifechange]

Hey Minstar-- how are you doing? Has the little one gone off to sleep? Did you have a nice bath and a cup of tea? I hope you are able to have a good night's sleep tonight-- did you say your baby is 3 months old? I can't quite remember. But I do clearly remember the days of trying to get the little ones to sleep and how frustrating and sometimes infuriating it was--especially when sleep deprived. Strength and hugs to you..

What a great lot of posts here today-- I feel stronger and more confident after reading everybody's words. I appreciate the support so much-- I need to hear the experiences of others, that I'm not a lost cause or a phony, the tragic stories of people who for so many reasons don't get or can't accept help, also the reminders that it takes TIME and that it's necessary in the beginning to just push through.

Today is day 2 and I'm noticing how much mental energy I've needed to stay focussed on my promise to myself and on my acceptance. I'm happy that it's almost 10pm and almost time for bed and GRATEFUL that I was able to be fully present for my 10 year old and her friend spending the night. --when I am open to enjoying the time with kids I can clearly see how little time I actually have with them, before they're off into their own lives, no longer so bothered by Mom. If I don't take care I miss it all--I don't want to waste any more precious time.

[Overit-still]

Eloise-that was my father you were talking about, and it didn't change me either. What a shame, EXCEPT that I'm stopping the circle of madness.

[Byrdlady]

Great conversations today. I am getting a sense of something different in your posts this time....I think the ACCEPTANCE is coming thru. Here's what makes all the difference...when you OWN this thing. I saw NO blame assigned to outside forces....I saw each person owning this problem... THAT'S HUGE. Great going everyone...we are stronger together so hang on tight. Who's got the Butt Velcro....I think Mr. G had it last! It's just Friday, not a ticket to BoozeVille! What we DESERVE is to be happy! Hugs all, Byrdie