Newbies Nest

[Entity]

Newbies Nest

Thanks Dill and irish eyes for the wonderful support. It's just so hard to fight it though. I always get into this sad sort of mind and i blame myself for my father beating me. Were i such a unloveable child? What did i do for him to hate me so much? I sat behind him in the car and when i got really upset i would hit it a bit with my legs as very young. I still don't think it's enough for him to beat me with closed fists in the face. He stopped when they got divorced i think and he got better later on but i still remember when i told him i wanted to work with computers and stuff like that, he just said it's for fags. I got nothing against homosexual people, everybody deserves love, but when he says it. I know it's just used as a fucking insult. I'm sorry for being so emotional. It's just so hard, i still blame myself for this stuff, my mothers father were like a father to me though, he were fair, nice and i remember when we were to this soccer thing, i had a ache in my left leg (i'm left handed, left legged) but i kept going since he were there and then my leg just shut off and i falled because of that. Sorry, i just ramble on. I got a hard time telling this sort of stuff, so when i finally (very, very rarely) open up, i can sound to emotional. :no:
Sometimes, i just don't think they care and everybody would be better off if i were to ....go extreme . Always pushes me toward drinking and just forgetting about it or drinking myself to sleep.

[dill]

Newbies Nest

Entity, No child deserves to be beaten. No child should EVER BE beaten. The fault was not yours. I'm sorry to hear what you went through. Perhaps you should consider counselling to work through these issues.

[irish eyes]

Newbies Nest

i blame myself for my father beating me. Were i such a unloveable child? What did i do for him to hate me so much?

Hi Entity
First of all let us put this into perspective here - U were a child and no child deserves to be beaten, he was supposedly the adult, he was rseponsible for beating you no buts,ifs or ands. No child is unlovable and you did not do anything to him to make him hate you, the reality is he hated himself and took it out on you. The good thing Entity is that now you are an adult you can look after yourself and exorcise all those old nightmares by going to counselling as Dill advised. It will help you take responsibility for your own emotions and actions and u no longer will need to drink on them. You owe this to yourself dont allow your father any more power over you. He took your childhood dont allow him have your adulthood. Perhaps you have had enough to drink to night, why not make yourself a cup of tea and be kind to you. You deserve
Luv x

[jamieaz]

Newbies Nest

Lilmea,

Thanks, for some reason this time I feel like I have some control in my life. Being positive is the only way I see myself not failing this time.

And yes if you are wondering if I had some "reality check" I did. Maybe I will write it out and post it.

Jamie

[within]

Newbies Nest

saturday night

what a day....no work and no hangover. :rays:
Thanks for all the tucking in and warm wishes last night. I think it helped me sleep so soundly. ahhh.
hows everyone shaping up for saturday night? feeling all right?? I am staying home and making hamburgers . cant go out...cause we always end up at the bar. da bahh!

[irish eyes]

Newbies Nest

Hi Within
Nest very quite all night wondering where all nestlings were but I have been keeping it warm and cosy for everyone on their return.
U sound exuberant well done me I had a good day did some well deserved retail therapy delighted with my purcahses. We didnt go out to night Mr Irish watching match we had dinner here and he nursed one can beer all night. Hope u have a nice evening. I think bed is calling now so send a few twigs my way cold this end.
Talk soon
Luv

[within]

Newbies Nest

you sleep tight

I'll keep an eye on things for a bit....darling will be home soon and we'll make the burgers. Any good finds on your therapy trip today

[dill]

Newbies Nest

I'm afraid I'll be roosting and sound asleep by the time the bed time story and tuck in comes along. Renewal, I hope you get a chance to get a good rest after your marathon shifts!

Irish, thanks for holding down the fort (nest) with me today!
Within, I'm glad you had a good day. It's been warm enough here to grill out today. I didn't though. Maybe tomorrow? Are you doing your burgers on the outdoor grill?

Tonight I'm going to watch a movie with Mr. Dill. We'll be watching a thriller called Traitor. It's got one of my favorite actors, Don Cheadle. I'll let you know tomorrow if I think it is good.
Another AF day!

[sunshine_gg]

Newbies Nest

Good evening Nestlings...

whew... quite a day, quite a day.
A very good day at the barn, a good ground work session with my favorite gelding and after a loooong and awesome trail ride. Temperatures were above 0C all day... that's WARM in these regions! Got back as it was getting dark... put the horses back and embarked on my journey home. That's when things took a strange turn.

Nightfall = falling temperatures = moist roads turn to skating rinks.
No more than 5 minutes away from the stable I found myself in the ditch, facing the opposite direction of my destination. By this time it's pitch black dark. Hitched a ride with some people back to my friend's house... called a tow truck from there (since I was way too far off the road and in a good 3' of snow). Pulled out my Exploder, looked at the front end... realized I had blown the front left tire. Great. Very slowly and carefully (on ICE) to the next drive way.. pull in and change the tire. Spare tire is extremely low on air. Oh wonderful.

Police stops... asks what happened, etc... checks my license... tells me he wants to close the hwy... has never seen it this bad.

Long story short (too late!) - I'm home. After 9pm. Still AF. Still NF. Although, that was a close one... asked my stepson for a smoke.. and he was even gonna give me one. But all he had was a menthol cigarette and some little cigars. Yick. I took it as a sign and had a cookie instead.

And now I'm done. Not sure if I'm gonna take a bath or just go to bed. I'm beat.

Sorry, birdies... I realize I have not been around, have barely even acknowledged our newbies... WELCOME newbies... please forgive me.. will chirp at you more another time.
Betty, Irish, dillydoo... hope you are well - have a great night!

Papa renewal... only a few hours left now... you almost made it!

Ok, I'm outta here. Night night.

[renewal]

Newbies Nest

hey

Hi little ones.....well after midnight...'got nothin' left, but wanted to say goodnight.....after my 17 hrs yesterday, only got 3 hrs sleep before my 17 today.....then, had an assaultive patient 'charge me' today (sorry Sun....I tried)....anyhow, I'm not hurt...just drained....I'll touch base more tomorrow....goodnight all.........
Papa Renewal

[Seacailin]

Newbies Nest

Good Morning Birdies
What are ya all sleeping in? Only our big, tough Papa Renewal is allowed to sleep in today. Well, had a lovely day with my Sister and my two cousins, although the Chicken Pesto did not agree with me. Had a relaxing evening at home watching Intervention on UTube. I was pissed. They took America's Most Wanted off for NASCAR. Ugh....I am off to an AA meeting this morning. We are warming up into the 40's. I am breaking out my tank top.lol I think I told u Renewal that I was a Psych Nurse most of my career, but I decided to change fields because I felt like a WWF wrestler and I am getting too old for that, not to mention that I am not even 5'2" 115lbs. Well, I just got offered a Community Psych job in a very dangerous city about an hour away. The salary was laughable, and very dangerous job. Escort patients in the community to their jobs, errand etc...Give their meds, yeah, de-escalate them if necessary, sure while I'm driving. Why not? Thought you would get a kick out of that one. Thank you Canada for giving us a rare siting of an owl here. Awesome!!!

[lilmea]

Newbies Nest

Good morning chicks,

Thanks Pappo R for our nightly tuck in. Get some rest now.

Sea-That job sounds kind of scary to me. I think maybe I would rather escort prisoners. At least they are handcuffed. I had a girlfriend who thought I should get a job as a prison gaurd. I'm 5'9" and she thought the prisoners would "mind" me better than a little girl. I told her I just made a bigger target.

Hoping all the peeps a good day.

[within]

Newbies Nest

sunday and sunny

Off to work I go. But, once again...it feels good not to be hungover and worrying about what I smell like.
Stayed in last night and watched a movie with the darling mr within. Irish, I cooked the burgers inside. We have a new vent over the stove and I wanted to really give it a challenge. It worked very well. No buger smells in the house. Just good burgers on the bun!
After the movie, I felt tired at 10 and went to bed. No matter how tired I am, when I am drinking I will stay up late just to keep drinking. Nice to be able to just go to bed and wake up rested.
I hope you all enjoy the day. whats up for tonight? Anyone have plans?
Sunshine....what an adventure. Glad you are ok.
Thanks everyone for hanging round the nest. It makes me feel safe somehow. I like that.
:chick:

[lilmea]

Newbies Nest

Within-you have to work on Sunday? doesn't sound like much fun. You sound positive that's good. My plan's for today is a movie with hubby. I stopped going to the movies years ago. But have added this as my Sunday treat for an AF week. Saw mall cop last Sunday and actually laughed out loud in some places. Well hope the reas of your day goes well.

[Entity]

Newbies Nest

I'm sorry for what i wrote, it was very mushy. thanks dill and irish eyes, i'm trying to work it out but i don't want to get comfortable with the thought that i've gone as far as to really need counselling. I'm trying to work my way toward it, i really have to get out of the comfort zone then and it's hard. Talking to someone face to face about my feelings is just so hard... i can hardly do it online when i'm sober. I'm really trying to work on it all though :l
All i ever really wanted in life was someone that loved me and someone that i could love aswell. Now i'm just a liability and i don't like it. I screwed up my future of a steady job with a lovely wife and a kids, i can't get that as long as i'm bond to alcohol and having a hard time expressing positive feelings when i'm sober. I don't think i've told my loved ones that i love them.. ever.
I still seem to seek his approval. He stopped beating me when i were fairly young but he would always scream at me. Like, when we were fixing something, he would say "get the flashlight or screwdriver" and i never got enough time to get to the place to withdrawal it before he started cursing and yelling at me. My mothers father were great to me, you remember what i told you about when my leg shutted off and i falled because of that? He genuinely cared about me and didn't judge me, my mother told me he always cared and loved me. I really think he did and i loved him aswell.. He's such a great person, but he turned senile a year or so. It's just so sad, why him?