Newbies Nest

[Healthybutempty]

Hello hope everyone is having a good day. I am still trying to stay strong although im still having cravings and I had a really vivid dream about drinking/using so i woke up with a pit in my stomach. I dont understand why after so long of being sober without it really bothering me, all the sudden almost a year later im struggling. have a good day. ill keep fighting.

[NoSugar]

What a busy, positive nest to wake up to! That's really motivating for everyone to gain and maintain a sober life!

A little Byrdie flew by and asked me to report in for her. Even people with 4 years behind them feel better with accountability - actually, that is a big part of why she is where she is!

Jennie, I agree with Lav and Daisy - you had the opportunity to learn something really important yesterday. I'm so happy for you that you didn't drink.

Choice, Londoner, and Beth - you all sound ready to DO THIS. A positive attitude, setting up your environment for success, and having your emergency "tools" available can take you a long way. Darryl, I hope you join these 3 in getting free from this millstone we all carried way too long. And HBE, please don't pick it up again! You have way way way too much to lose. Keep thinking about all the good things the last 11 months have given you and how much you don't want to lose those.

Let's all take good care of ourselves today. NS

[daisy45]

Just back from my first swim in 4 months......Heaven! 50 lengths and I feel great....hoping this will get me more sleep.
Although, on the way in I got talking to the lifeguard, then proceeded down the steps that are in the pool. Slipped, big time! Legs in the air and landed on the steps in a star shape.; like something you'd see in a cartoon....people asking if I was ok...totally scundered! Hurt my arm and foot but swam on as I was so embarrassed. Big bruise on my arm but the ego took a bigger knock! All good!

[Healthybutempty]

I know I have too much to lose and I have no intention of drinking again. But especially ever since I quit smoking cigarettes 5 days ago I've been having cravings and watching my bf drink never bothered me until now. The part about being sober I am struggling the most with I think is forgiving myself for everything in the past and learning how to love myself again....Although i have not drank in almost a year and have not done opiates in over 2 years, i am still so disgusted with myself that ive had to continue smoking weed just to be able to look at myself in the mirror. i have it as medication for my rheumatoid arthritis, as alot of medications arent doing anything, but i think the weed is making me even more paranoid...ive thought about seeing a therapist, but i have trouble opening up to strangers and i am extremely reclusive and paranoid. Even though i feel like i am about to break, i am not going to let myself go back to that dark place i was in while using/drinking because it would just make everything worse. i stopped going to meetings right after i quit drinking because i didnt like being social and opening up and having people hug/touch you.....it made me very uncomfortable, but now i am wondering if it would help....i just feel so lost and my bf is still an active alocoholic which makes things even more tough. I am trying to remain positive especially since i was accepted to go back to college starting in 7 months...but i dont even know where to begin... thank you for all the support and letting ,e get this off my chest. it helps and i appreciate it

-Healthybutempty

[Overit-still]

Good morning to everyone! So much happening.

Daisy-sorry about the slip. ice everything!

Jennie-so glad you're still here and stayed strong!

Welcome Heathy.

Good day to everyone, just skimming, gotta run.

[gambler]

Hello MWO..good to see you again

I know I know..been gone too long. Well its just that I have no excuse that after the transfer site thing went down I could not log in..even emailed for my account to get restored. Somehow time got away from me. So resetting my password worked.

Anywho.. Its been crazy for me. As some of you know I started up my own biz and I have been successful for the most part. Only one downfall in the boat repair business..everyone wants it done yesterday LOL. Hey..cant complain though. I might be asking for some advise on this front later.

The Boys. Oh yes cant forget them. First off..they are doing better than I had hoped dealing with the whole divorce thing. In fact they are almost glad it happened. Our time together is richer than it was before ( now that I can do things with them that mom would not have approved of ). But its been rather hard on me for the past few months. I thought I would have gotten used to the schedule by now..but no. Even though its basically a week on-week off deal, I get almost shut down on Monday drop offs after our week(end). Sometimes I dont even have the drive to go get some work done. They said something rather strange after the new year. They asked if I would like to go get a bottle of champagne to celebrate. "I dont drink anymore guys" I said. "Yea..but once and a while on special occasions would be ok" was their reply. I explained that there is just no point in doing that. If Im going to drink..im gonna get drunk..why do this to myself ? Kinda like banging my head on a brick wall once and a while just because its a special day. I think its because mom drinks more now ( more than before ) and she even gave them each a few sips of champagne on new years eve ( which I find ironically disturbing ). I think Her reasoning is that she can handle drinking while I supposedly cant..and they were feeling like that was a weakness on my part. Now I think they see it as a strength. I dont drink because I dont Want to..not that Im being forced not to. Funny that..

So that sets the stage for my biggest problem..loneliness. Boy howdie.. that feeling of being alone was starting to take its toll on me Bigtime. So long story short..I adopted a cat about a week ago. He is just now starting to take. Being 2 years old and coming from a family ( not a stray ), I think he is looking for a friend just as much as I am. Its a mutual relationship and so far he has been working at chipping away at my being lonely. On a side note..the Boys LOVE him ( I brought them with me when we picked him out ). Seeing as how their mom dislikes animals in general and would never fathom to get a pet..they are seeing another benefit to having two homes. Funny that..

Im kinda shot down from work today so I think Ill hang out for a bit and catch up on things before I go diving off the MWO deep end ..

Dave.

[daisy45]

Dare I suggest that you don't worry about the smoking until you feel a little stronger? I am also a smoker and need to stop but right now being sober is a priority.
Smoking weed is a known depressant and the cause of paranoia....I feel for you...you sound so lost....keep your eye on all the positive things you have seen in your life since quitting.
Wish I had more to say that helps.....

[KENSHO]

Warning, Ramble ahead:

Mornin'. I woke up with thoughts of what my life used to be like when I was drinking. I felt out of control, sick, tired, foggy and ashamed. I didn't participate in my relationships except bare minimum and I walked around thinking about how stressful my life was - a victim to all the things I had created. I woke up sluggish, forced myself to participate and "succeed", pushed myself to the limits during the day (and often into the night) so that I could "wind down" with a drink or 4. I was getting everything "out of the way" so that I could relax with my best friend at night, and shut the world out - and I checked out every single night. For this, I carried the burden of my shame and it swallowed my self-respect.

Now I wake up feeling happy to be alive. I am often tired, but it is from my full participation in all the minutes of my day. At first, it was hard to experience ALL 24 hours and the magnitude of my entire senses. But I learned to feel each moment a little quieter and slower and have found my natural pace. I look at my kids with open eyes and welcome their interaction - and I am playful with my body instead of stoic and inward - instead of hiding a rotting sense of self. I speak to my husband with genuine interest in his wellbeing and I make him laugh - and I have learned to discuss things without immediately rising to anger. I go out of my way to send people random cards when they are down, and call just to say hi - something I never had time for because I was so focused on when and where my next drink would come from. I complete sentences without searching so long for that missing word, and I am able to pull thoughts, movie titles and old memories out of my past with more ease.

I spend more time looking at full moons and blades of grass and the way a cat walks across the street. My life pace is fast and I have a lot of responsibilities with my business and children - but I somehow have time to notice small things. I find it easier to tell people what I think and why, and it has become much easier to ask for what I want. I used to change the channel when my husband walked into the room because I knew he didn't like what I was watching. Now I just watch it - because I deserve to see things that interest me too. I find it easier to set boundaries with my clients and friends.

I thought I would suck at my job. I thought people would find me to be lame and boring (maybe they do but I don't care). I was afraid of a life without my numbing agent. But I was SO sick of fighting with myself. How can we be souls at peace when there is an internal war going on? I was dumbfounded that I could want something that was hurting me so much - addiction is really a mind-fuck and I’m so glad to be done having the same daily internal dialog.

I get mad and cry and feel stress and pain. BUT somehow I appreciate it because I know it is REAL and that it will pass. I still have struggles with focus and perfectionism and lack of patience. I could be a better mother and designer and daughter and friend - but I’m proud of who I am. I am ok being imperfect because I’m doing my best every day, not hiding from living. And doing my best is good enough for me. I am so much happier.

(sorry, I know LAV could have said that in two sentences...)

[Healthybutempty]

I was thinking the same thing, I just wanted to quit smoking so bad. I also really want to quit smoking weed because my paranoia has been getting alot worse, but it also helps with my nausea and dealing with my pain. But i am worried about it because i am also on methadone for my past opiate addiction, and i am being lowered off of that rather quickly. The prospect of not having any substances at all for the first time in my life scares me; but i wanted to be completely off of everything before i go back to school, but i may be expecting too much of myself too fast, which then just makes me more down on myself.

[KENSHO]

Welcome HealthybutEmpty, Darryl & Choice.

[gambler]

Good post Kensho

Man Healthy..this is one thing that I dont miss about the forum..the empathy towards others that are scared and worried about the future of being sober.

Ok..let me try to relate here. I started smoking weed since I was 9 years old. My mom grew it..my friends parents had it. It was everywhere in the 70s. Smoked regularly till I had my first child 10 years ago. I still smoked here and there just not as often. Go figure I didnt give up/cut back on drinking though. I never thought I would give it all up..never even considered it.

After my wife left and took the kids I went down a hole that Nobody should see. I thought "this is it man..". Then I woke up and decided to see how I could cut back on drinking. First search result was MWO..read for hours and hours..then joined..that was the day that changed my life. Never drank again. I guess It wasnt a choice for me so I never looked at it like taking a plunge. But I can see where your coming from..and feel the fear in it.

You got to let it go though. I know it easy to say being on the other side of the fence and all..but your going to have to face it. Plow through it man. Dont let anything get in your way not even yourself.

I wish I could really put in words how I feel. Just get that ball rolling and dont look back.

Dave.

Edit to add: Well I guess I should have read back a page or two before posting. Seems like the ball is already rolling with you so at least I feel better now lol. Im still going to leave the post unedited though even if it makes me look like an uneducated goof nut

[lifechange]

Hi Nesters!
That was a great post, Kensho! Thank you for that.. I have days like that, glimpses of what my life will be like in time and I so look forward to fully living with gratitude.

Thank you, too, Jennie, for your post. I was in the same boat as you yesterday. I read here, but I didn't have any energy or will to post. I was just blah and even a bit down. Drinking crossed my mind a few times, first out of the blue at lunch and then later as a more serious thought. I knew I wouldn't drink, but it worried me today that I didn't talk to anyone. In the past these small thoughts have turned into actions when I've ignored them or brushed them aside. I still felt like crap this morning, until around 1pm.. then I met up with a friend whom I've just been back in contact with after 5 years. I opened up to her and talked to her about my addiction and the past almost 4 years.. It felt so good to be honest with her and she was so positive in her response. I knew I had to rush back here and get in touch with all of you again.
Sometimes I also don't know what to do when I'm having a down day. Not one word comes to mind to write, to share. At those times I feel so isolated.

Daisy, thank you, too, for your response to Jennie. I feel like I'm following in your footsteps. It's so nice that your daughter has seen the change in you.. definitely motivation to stay on track!!

Hi Gambler!! Nice to see you back in the Nest with an update! I'm a cat-girl myself and find they bring so much to our family life. Have one sitting on my feet at the moment.

Welcome to Healthy!!
Welcome to Daryll!!

Hanna, congrats on making the 30 day commitment to get the alcohol out of your life! Yayyy for day 2..

Choice, you're sounding good! Grateful to be a part of this lovely Nest.
Londoner, you are sounding strong again and ready to take on Life. Your goals of meditation, healthy eating, mindfulness, exercise are great. Stay close...

That's all for me. Mostly just wanted to touch base with you all.

[Resolve]

Kensho - I liked your retrospective post and hearing the ways you've changed for the better. It's probably a fraction of all the good things you could say, so no rambling disclaimer needed. It's pretty cool to look at the before and after of ourselves, and your recap of the old vs new you gives a sense of how strong that change can be in a matter of months, not years. Your posts keep me inspired at the good that comes from endurance and provides that validation of how much it's worth it. It may have even been you that once said sobriety has to be experienced - so true.

Gambler - I remember seeing some of your posts back in my lurking days. Good to see you back and that you've kept it going.

[Hanna]

Kensho

I really needed to read your post right now. I am in day two and at the time of day where the thoughts start to come in. I am still feeling strong today, and I'm about to eat something which I know will get better. But reading your post strengthened my resolve. So thanks for that.

[Healthybutempty]

thank you for the welcomes and advice everyone I am starting to feel better today, although i still have some cravings. Im trying to get and stay off of everything to back to pastry school this coming year, but I think i was rushing too much and let my guard down. that was a mistake.i think that's why i started having cravings again after 11 months sober.that just shows i can never get too comfortable; i will never give in to drinking because i know i will not be able to quit so easily next time and my dream is to do well in this course. Thank you for everyone's support