Newbies Nest

[Healthybutempty]

My boyfriend suggested I started going to see a therapist or psychiatrist about my depression/anxiety/paranoia...and I've also had several suicidal thoughts (not very recently) Ive recently lost my medical coverage and I'm not sure I can afford it without it. I tried to isolate myself so i couldnt get hurt if i didnt let people in, but now I realize its just making things worse and made me think about drinking more.
My doctor prescribed me valium for my anxiety but I was i little worried about starting to take it, but yesterday I started because I started scaring myself with my thoughts. I just hope it works. I need to find ways to keep myself relaxed and distracted. I bought the new issue of grapevine, so i made a hot cup of ginger green tea and am now reading through.
I think part of the reason i get depressed is because i see people i went to high school with and knew years ago that have careers, children, married, etc and i feel left behind almost...if that makes sense...i feel like drug and alcohol addiction had put my life on pause...
my boyfriend is on day 2 sober, so that has made it alot easier for me to stay strong aswell. I hope he keeps it up. I'm worried because it seems like he was more so trying to do it for me than for himself, and it didnt seem like he wanted to quit sometimes...which scared me...
I love him so much but I also love my sobriety....
How is everyone else doing today?

[Londoner]

There's a lot more focus on mindset this time around. I'm catching myself in the negative self talk or beating myself up cycle earlier in the process now. It's amazing how over years, the negative voice can become stronger and stronger and really take control of you.

Have meditated every day this week, only eaten unprocessed foods, exercised and made some headway on work. So, all in all not a bad week at all.

Have a great weekend all.

[Guitarista]

Sounds like you realize what part of that situation is unhealthy. I dont think its about being an 'alcoholic' and not being able to drink..Its about Liking alcohol too much and making a decision not to have it in your life. It destroys on all fronts..mentally,physically and emotionally.

Dave

Hello Nesters. I like this Dave!

I was also thinking about er....my thinking. I can take my decision to be AF to not just be a focus on no AL, but not getting numb in any way full stop. Period. And if i agree with the laws of attraction, which i know to be a real force in my experience i.e. what you focus on you attract, for me it helps to focus on what i want in life. Put my intentions out there, from the heart.

I'm realizing more and more about the power of detachment from my thoughts. The negative thoughts. I realize i don't have to act on them and those thoughts are not always the truth, or how things have to be. I am a seperate entity from my thoughts. They are not always my truth. I am learning to let my negative thoughts be, and pass through my mind like clouds in the breeze. I don't need to attach myself to them. I don't have to act on them. I am understanding more about the difference between the real me, and the thoughts that enter my head a zillion times a day. I can detach. I can learn to control what i am thinking. Let the negative thoughts pass on through, and hang on to the positive ones for as long as they are useful to me.

If certain thoughts or line of thinking is going to bring me harm, i can learn how to detach from that thinking, and just let it, and watch it pass like a cloud. I don't have to act on any thought. I am not a thought. I am much much bigger.

Going for mindpeace. :congratulatory:

Take it easy out there and think positive. G

[Healthybutempty]

Going to an AA meeting tonight with my boyfriend. For the last 5 days I've constantly had thoughts in my head about drinking even after so long. At first I thought I'd crush it after a day or 2 but the voice just keeps on gettin louder each day to the point where it's starting to scare me I need to find a way to crush that voice in my head and the anxious "pit" feeling in my stomach I hope it shuts up and goes away soon. Im going to keep fighting it and going to meetings though I'm not giving up. Also today is day 2 for my boyfriend so not having alcohol in front of me every day will probably help out too.
No matter how much my brain tried to trick me into thinking otherwise, I know that if I had a glass of wine, I would not be able to stop. I'm never going back to that dark place again...I am desperate to stay sober!

[Guitarista]

AA meeting sounds like a positive move HBE.

I go to one on occassion. For me it helps ground me and refocus me on why i have stopped.

Best wishes, G.

[Resolve]

Keep focusing on the positives everyone, and great job to all getting that first week or weeks down! Any early on struggle or those grind-through moments will get easier with time, and all the efforts you put into this will payoff in terms of feeling better - and it won't take long to see the benefits. I'm not a skeptic by nature, but I took a leap of faith that others were right when they said give it time. It's hard in the beginning to be patient when we've all been fighting this affliction for so long. When the seasoned vets here said that time will make it easier, it still seemed daunting and I wondered if time could move any slower at first. I used to look at anybody who accumulated sober time and wonder how could they possibly do that.

I didn't expect instant gratification by any stretch, and it reminded me of my patience learning experience with our first daughter when at 6 weeks she became textbook colicky. And for crying out loud she cried for 10 hours that first night, calmed down to only 8 hours the next night and then for the next 6 weeks cried faithfully every evening for a solid 5-6 hours. We were told by our pediatrician and others that it was colic and that it would work itself out around 3 months or so. This new dad wanted to cry himself. We changed formula, tried gas drops and everything under the sun to cure our satanic child but to no avail. It's a digestive maturity issue, and though we researched and tried it all, we couldn't cure what time could help. At 3 months, like clockwork, she calmed down and we became normal parents with a normal baby. Turns out the experienced voices of those who knew were actually right.

I didn't think I had the gumption then to ride out what seemed an eternity of long nights. But I can think of many times how I've thought that time flies, you blink and another month, birthday or holiday is here. Once you commit to your quit and jump in, time marches on and I can't think of a way it hasn't improved. Yes you have to plan, have ups and downs and experience some bad moments along the way, but before too long, the way you think, feel and so many other good things will start to unfold. So keep taking that leap, it's about time!

Hey G - I like your comments on thoughts and seeing them for what they are. I think about the separation of mind and brain and consciously observing what's going on in my thoughts. It's like stepping outside of yourself and having awareness without having to act on it. Deep stuff, and I'm learning on that front too.

[enzo'smom]

I am feeling tired after a long week. All I want to do is curl up on the couch with my puppy, cuddle and watch a movie. But, that won't help my recovery so here I am, posting and being accountable. As for AA, I go to meetings every single day….sometimes twice (like yesterday and the day before). It helps to not only type out my feelings here but to voice them to others with the same disease. Then afterwards, you can talk to other alcoholics to find what works for them. Being in AA is hard work if you really work their program. I am trying to do that…..pray and meditate every morning, write three things I am grateful for every single day, go to a meeting, call my sponsor, call other alcoholics and MWO is the icing on the cake….It works if you work it as they say. The challenge is motivation when complacent and turning over your will when those horrible thoughts of AL creep into your head.
Like I said, I am tired but I will now call my sponsor, tell her how my day was and then I can cuddle with my puppy!! (Enzo is my 4 month old boxer puppy)

[frances]

Hi everyone! Just checking in, I'm doing well. It's been awhile since I posted but I am on here every day reading and thank you all for sharing your struggles and your support - it helps those actively posting and also those who are just reading.

[daisy45]

Better news today....got the referral direct to the clinic for eating disorders....so grateful today. My sis also must have regretted her outburst and her and my niece are in a better place....for now....I am learning that the only time that is important is 'now'.
For some reason I am more exhausted tonight than usual...and I have an early start in the morning. Going to visit my son....maybe bowling and out for food, then he wants me to teach him how to cook lasagne and vegetable soup. Will need to go shopping before I go.
He lives almost 109 mile away so it will be a long day.
Brought the kids to the playpark today...it was empty so I got on everything and had a ball.
I was feeding the little 2 yr old tonight and playing airplanes and choochoos to help her eat. I asked her which I should do...she said 'daddy's tractor'. He is a farmer....new one for me!
Everyone is sounding good here today. Really good to be a part of it!

[Healthybutempty]

I enjoy listening to everyone speak at AA but I have yet to say anything or introduce myself. I am just too shy and embarassed. I have thought about getting a sponsor but im just not sure if I can open up to someone.....also im not sure what having a sponsor really entails...
Im on my way to the meeting now be back later. any thoughts on what a sponsor really does would be appreciated.

[Guitarista]

Not too sure about the sponsor process HBE. Jenny may have some thoughts. There is an AA thread around here somewhere which might be useful to you. Here is a link to our long term abstainers forum. I was just having a read and am reminded of some brilliant posts there.

https://www.mywayout.org/community/forumdisplay.php?28-Long-Term-Abstainers

HBE. Doesn't look like much current action on the AA thread, but you may find the history of posts useful.

https://www.mywayout.org/community/showthread.php?89603-September-AA-thread

[MossRose]

Jennie - any photos of Enzo? My oldest, dearest friend has a boxer. During my worst times, he has been such a comfort to me. Because of my circumstances, I don't have any pets right now. But I know that when I do decide to adopt a dog, it will be a boxer. What a loving breed.

I don't have much to share tonight. It's been a long week and I am very tired. Hope everyone is doing well. I promise to read back further tomorrow.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

I've been more tired than usual myself this week MossRose - must be the time of year! Hope you get some rest!

G, I like the way your thinking has evolved. We don't have to believe every thought that comes into our heads

HBE, I hope the AA meeting is good for you. I don't know anything about it or sponsors but I'm sure someone here can help. Be careful with the Valium, it comes with it's own set of problems. I'm kind of surprised you were given a Rx for that.
Keep checking in with us please!

Greetings to everyone & sending wishes for a safe night in the nest for all!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Evening all!
It was an interesting week. The last company meeting we had was 4 years ago in the same place. I was able to compare the same environment with the gift of time under my belt. 4 years ago, I was uncomfortable, nervous and felt like a fish out of water at the meeting. This time, it was totally different. I had confidence. No one questioned me and it was really a non issue.
My last night there, I went to dinner with a coworker that I have worked with for 25 years. He does my complicated proposals for a product we sell. He is a brilliant man, and has several patents. We went out at 5:30 and got back at 9:30. During that time he drank 9 martini's. He spent $90 bucks on AL! I drank water with lime for free. During the evening, this man for whom I have the highest respect became glassy-eyed, sloppy and touchy-feely!! Touching me when he talked. The scary part is that in years past, Id have been right in there with him....drink for drink. The effect Al had on him was dramatic. What an eye opening experience. AL is so destructive. No question he is one of us. I feel sad for him.

During my flights to and from FL, I was reminded of how I carried AL in my bags and prayed I would get it thru security. How embarrassing it was to take my baggie with 10 or 12 tiny bottles of vodka in it out for inspection. Then when I went in the bathroom, I would down one or two of them. In Atlanta, I remember always trying to get the large handicapped stalls so I could get at my stash better. It made me cringe to remember how bad I was. How could I have ever denied my propblem? That is the power of addiction. How could I have ever thought this behavior wasn't so bad? In fact, most likely, I would have flown thru Charlotte instead because they have a wine store in the concourse. After all, I wouldn't have wanted to run out. What a lonely world that was. AL had me so trapped and yet I was afraid to leave it. That is the paradox about the whole thing. It is so bad and takes you to such a dark place, but we don't know how to let go.....until we get some tools and support. I am so glad to be sober and I am proud of it, too. I am relieved to be out of that awful pit. Being free of these chains is worth the high price of admission.

Healthybutempty, I have been reading about your recent struggle with interest. Do you think it is the correlation to quitting smoking that is creating all of this? The timing fits. Are you getting some support for the smoking side of things? Lav said this the other day and it is so true, that if you are battling not drinking, a battle you shall have. Dont give Al that power. Take it off the table as an option. It just isnt an option, no more than drinking battery acid. Let it go. Declare your freedom from it. Mindset is everything. You are NOT going to fall! Visualize success and you will have it. We believe in you!

Have a great evening, everyone! We are all in this together and I couldnt have done this without a little help from my friends. Thank you. Byrdie

[enzo'smom]

the great thing about AA is that you can go, raise your hand and introduce yourself and say "Hi, I don't really know what to say but I want to learn more" That is all you have to say!!! People will approach you after the meeting. They will be gentle, caring and completely empathetic. Once you get comfortable sharing at meetings and listening to others, you will figure out who you identify with and who you want to be in your "network" which is simply the same thing as, for example, the people here in the nest. You will also hear from some people with really good sobriety under their belts. You will want what they have. You then decide who would be best to be your sponsor….someone you admire and like…..that sponsor will walk you through the program and help you get sober!! You will call your sponsor everyday and let him/her know how your day went and what fears, anxieties you are feeling….its like having a therapist for alcohol. And don't worry about imposing… Sponsoring people helps the sponsors stay sober! THey really WANT to sponsor you. It is really wonderful.
so swallow your fear, raise your hand, tell everyone your name and simply say "i don't know what to say but I am here" that is all you need to do. And you should not be embarrassed!!! They are all alcoholics too….there is no judgment….good luck