Newbies Nest

[Hanna]

Well I guess it is official, as I am going to bed. It has been a full week without AL. Strangest thing is...it has been pretty easy, outside of a few scary moments. Lots to say about all this but need to get to bed for an early morning. Think I may need to write a book tomorrow.

Night all

Thanks....a lot

Beth

[BeachGirly]

Congrats Beth - so proud of you making your 7 days.
You are determined!

[Guitarista]

I don't know what it is lately. I have been getting really paranoid/ anxiety attacks/ depression/ suicidal thoughts/delusions. Where I am still getting worse even though I have so much AF time so Im starting to think I have an entirely separate mental issue that is at the root of my addictions.
Even with all this I am not going to give in to alcohol. It would just make things worse. and I will continue to try and get better before I go back to school..

Hi HBE. Gee willakers! I reckon you are doing an AMAZING job keeping yourself so together so far. And i hear you when you talk about not feeling quite right mentally. Getting some sort of support around your mental health as you say sounds a good idea to me. It could be lifesaving. Something usually gives at some point if we don't look at what is bugging us, and what you describe sounds serious and in need of urgent attention.

All the best with it, and keep us posted if you feel comfortable doing so. Take care of yourself. Word has it that we must keep our well being and sobriety our number one priority. Once we are right, our wellbeing flows on to those around us.

I'm just another dreamer strumming a guitar. An ex drunk living on a patch of sand on some beach on the other side of the world, but i care about you and my thoughts are with you and yours. Do what you gotta do friend.

Congrat's on 344 AF days. And 2 years orf opiates. You raawk!

Speaking of beaches, how's the weather in the northern hemisphere everyone? :congratulatory:

Beautiful run today under blue sky's. Magic.

Congrat's on one week Hanna! Raaawkin it!

Take it easy out there and think positive. G.

[Stevo]

Hi there to all.
I am not so new to recovery but am definitely new to these forums so I thought I would take a stab at trying to post in a few places.
My name is Steve and I am from Australia,I have not been drunk for almost 2 years and have just recently gone 12 months clean and sober.I have been taking Baclofen for the last 8 months with what I would call great results.My own alcoholism and drug addiction spans about 2/3rds of my life and I am very interested in being able to communicate with other people in recovery.
So yeah,although this an extremely abridged version of who I am I thought it may be a good introduction(hopefully it is posted in the right place).
Looking forward to interacting.
Cheers Stevo.

[Guitarista]

G'day Stevo. Welcome!

Congratulations on 12 months clean and sober. Huge stuff friend, you must be very proud.

Look forward to hearing more from you.

Take it easy, G.

[Stevo]

Thanks Guitarista but to be honest with you I am quite indifferent about the 12 months,it really means nothing to me.I am more of at a place where I am thinking that I have wasted the last 2 years trying to live up to some crazy ideal.
I mean it is nice to be clean and sober but it isn't a great deal of fun or really fulfilling in anyway.My endeavour into this recovery has been much the opposite to what most peoples recoveries are like.My life really fell apart when I began this recovery and it is showing no signs of ceasing its destruction anytime soon,haha.
Still nice to be able to communicate with others in recovery though,I have stopped going to AA and NA I found that in the end the fellowship and the meetings were actually detrimental to my well being and I was just becoming angry.So I guess I am trying to find some support or fellowship in here.I don't know anywho thanks for the kind words.
Cheers Stevo.

[enzo'smom]

Hi Stevo -I am sorry to hear about your troubles….I have learned that the problem with recovery is that it doesn't guarantee a perfect life…..but being sober enables me to deal with life more rationally and productively….


I was in an AA meeting last night and there was a man sitting just behind me who had admittedly been drinking during the day. He smelled awful and was very despondent….it was a harsh reminder of what AL does to alcoholics.
every now and then a thought pops into my head….."never drink again? no….." but the good news is, when that happens, I get scared - not angry or resentful….So, OK, thoughts of drinking will come to me….but that is OK because I have a nice healthy fear when it happens.
I am going to get ready for work and then ice skate there…..the weather here is treacherous!! lots and lots of ice. YUK but I have a warm house and food in the fridge and a job so I have no reason to complain….

[Guitarista]

I guess I am trying to find some support or fellowship in here.I don't know anywho thanks for the kind words.
Cheers Stevo.

I wish for the destruction to cease for you Stevo, real soon. Is the destruction coming from within or external?

Lots of different folks and stories here. Over 8 years of experiences. I think you'll find some value. Anyway, post away friend and feel free to share your thoughts. Good to have you here. G

[Overit-still]

Trying to figure out how to post from my phone. Day 4 with no power on the West Coast, no bigee, just no computer of internet. Just checking in.

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters,

Gloomy looking here this morning but it is winter!

Overit, I sure hope you get your power back soon. 4 days is a long time to go without!

Hello & welcome Stevo!
glad you found us & decided to join the group. Congrats on your clean & sober time, great job! It sounds like maybe you're looking for some motivation to move on. What would you like to do with the rest of your life? Where do you see yourself in a few years? New job perhaps or a return to school? Being free of addiction makes it so much easier to move forward. Please stick around & let us know what you are thinking.

Wishing everyone a good AF Monday!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Good Morning, Nesters!
Welcome, Stevo! The nest is a wonderful place. If we can step outside of our bodies for a moment and observe ourselves, there is one thing for SURE. Our situations would be 1000 times worse if active AL Addiction were still a part of our lives. As Turnagain explains so eloquently, it effects every cell of our bodies. Every drink does damage. Even tho you may not be feeling like a Johnny-Jump-Up at the moment, you are, most likely MILES AHEAD of where you were. Please take a look thru the Tool Box (link below) there is a ton of information there. I hope you see daylight soon.

Fin is about to surpass his all-time record, so proud to see that....Daisy is closing in on hers, too! We always want to be in uncharted waters! It is NO FUN to repeat even ONE DAY! Hang in everyone! Byrdie

[Hanna]

Wow. So much swirling around my mind. It is Monday morning, and I am so excited to have a week under my belt. That being said, this morning has started out stressful (stupid stress, nothing earth shattering). I am taking deep breaths, and glad it is the morning and not 5pm! Additionally, I have a somewhat stressful week in general, and really need to think about how I am going to get through inevitable cravings.

Anyway, I feel I need to share my experience of the last week. This is the first time in a LONG time that I have been able to string together any length of days, other than when taking Antabuse. Many years ago, I put together about 2 months, but the experience was SO different then. I HATED every day. I was absolutely white knuckling it and I could not understand how people lived that way. There was NO way I could keep that up forever. Problem was, I didn’t know any other way to do it.

People have talked about the difference between white knuckling by sheer will and surrendering, but I could NOT figure out how to surrender. I also could not wrap my head around surrendering to some higher power, be it GOD, nature, etc. I wasn’t opposed to it, just could not DO it. It did NOT work for me. Maybe it was just a matter of waiting until I was ready. I used to think, and say to others...”tell me how to get ready, then”. After all, I was ready every day to not drink...until 5. I could not figure it out.

While Antabuse kept me from drinking, and was a relief, as it took drinking off the table, I taught myself that without Antabuse, I was unable to stop. So of course, I would drink the second the Antabuse was out of my system.

Something is very different now. Firstly, I think I really, finally have gotten to the point where drinking does nothing positive for me, other than stop the voice in my head asking for it. And of course, all the negative consequences are still there. So, maybe I am just ready. But still, not listening to the voices would have probably been impossible for me without a certain understanding I have now. I am able to look at the voice asking - no telling- me to drink in this way: “This voice is my neuro-cortex making sense of the strong and confused impulses coming from my mid-brain. The rational side of my neuro-cortex- the side that does not want to drink- CANNOT engage in an argument with the side that is the voice of my mid-brain. That side is in fight or flight mode-survival mode- and will do, and say, anything to get what it thinks is needs.” Recognizing this helps me to do other things rather than engage in an internal argument. Surf the craving is a great way to put it. And when the craving leaves, my rational side of my brain is truly relieved! Also, doing things ahead of time to calm down my mid-brains needs is really helpful. For me it has been primarily the afternoon snack. I was so used to being starving by 5pm, and my mid-brain had so confused hunger as thirst for alcohol, as they were so tied together for so long.

Anyway, I would hate to have said all this and then relapse this week. I am not planning on it. The moments I am surfing are quite the challenge, I must say. But each time I get through it, I feel a little more confident about the next time.

Sorry for the whole book here, but really needed to put this out there.

Hope you are all are having a good start to the week. I am planning on making the rest of my day much less stressful that this morning as been.

[TJAF]

Thanks Guitarista but to be honest with you I am quite indifferent about the 12 months,it really means nothing to me.I am more of at a place where I am thinking that I have wasted the last 2 years trying to live up to some crazy ideal.
I mean it is nice to be clean and sober but it isn't a great deal of fun or really fulfilling in anyway.My endeavour into this recovery has been much the opposite to what most peoples recoveries are like.My life really fell apart when I began this recovery and it is showing no signs of ceasing its destruction anytime soon,haha.
Still nice to be able to communicate with others in recovery though,I have stopped going to AA and NA I found that in the end the fellowship and the meetings were actually detrimental to my well being and I was just becoming angry.So I guess I am trying to find some support or fellowship in here.I don't know anywho thanks for the kind words.
Cheers Stevo.

Stevo Welcome

I find your comments interesting. I certainly understand the sentiment. I spent 2/3rds of my life as an alcoholic and I've had moments since I've become sober when I've felt that recovery wasn't so much fun. What you will find out if you give it a chance is that overtime you get past the physical crap that goes along with recovery. In the beginning my expectation was that once I was in recovery the sun would shine everyday and I'd get 10 years younger overnight. The reality is a bit different. Between the physical difficulty in the first stages of recovery and the longer term PAWS issues it hasn't been all peaches and cream. On top of that you body really does miss the high. However over time I have found that the physical issues are going away and after a year and a half I'm just beginning to see the huge upside on the mental aspects of a sober life. Lets face it we have both spent most of our life with rose colored glasses on. Do we really think that we'll reach Nirvana in so short a time. The point of the message is that things get better in stages. It isn't linear and at times things can look like they go backwards but with time you'll find that the negative stuff was all an illusion and things will brighten up considerably. A sober life is a good life we just need to learn to look at the positives in the same light that we relied on the drugs and alcohol to provide in our past life. Hang in there! Sobriety isn't going to make all the other bad stuff in your life magically go away it just gives us more tools to deal with the other BS.

[Healthybutempty]

HBE,
I was just researching Methadone withdrawals....take a look at this list!

Thank you for posting that yes, methadone is still an opiate so its going to have severe physical withdrawal. But luckily I am getting it from a methadone clinic everyday as a way to treat opiate addiction. It may seem silly to treat opiate addiction with a synthetic opiate, but with methadone all you have to do is drink it once in the morning and you're good until the next day, which is much better than when I had to use pills 4 + times per day...I have been at the same dose for the last couple years but I am trying to be off of it completely before I start school in september. I started off at 125 mg daily, and I have been lowering by 1 mg per week, and now its 2 mg per week, so I am lowering off at a slow enough pace that the doctor said I shouldnt experience any withdrawal symptoms.

But thank you Byrdlady for your post and concern!
How is everyone doing today? Today is day 345! Feeling alot better emotionally/mentally today, although still a little depressed/unmotivated, but I am going to call to find help today. Think Ill be going to an AA meeting tonight if I can make it there (have to find a drive). Got a book I ordered in the mail today! It's basically a textbook on chocolate and tempering etc. excited to start studying.

I am feeling kind of sick today though physically. Woke up in more pain than usual in my ankles/fingers/jaw from the rheumatoid arthritis and been feeling really nauseous. I didnt eat at all yesterday, so I'm going to try and force myself .

Hope everyone has a wonderful AF day!

-HBE

[KENSHO]

Hanna, MAJOR congratulations for your one week (and without Antibuse - that's ALL YOU - and nothin' but net!) Great work! I loved your post. I'm glad you are "putting it all out there". I feel you are tackling this problem head on and really dealing with it. I can relate to alcohol offering me nothing positive any more - and I think that is a really crucial revalation in the recovery process. I also would be ravenous by 5pm - and I got really used to drinking my calories. Food really is a best friend in this instance and I rarely forget my afternoon snack any more.

You ARE getting stronger every craving you don't give in to. For me, the first week was by FAR the hardest. There were a couple days in that week two that challenged me, but if you consider that you are likely past the worst, it would be SUCH a shame to slide backwards! Ask yourself if you would want to repeat this past week... don't do it! KEEP GOING STRONG and it WILL get easier - I promise!! Now isn't a time to give up - so give it your all this week and you should see a big turnaround after week two!! So happy for you!

HBE, I'm glad you are resisting your urges. It sounds like you have some life issues that you have an opportunity to work though - and we know that alcohol the bastard would only make it twenty times harder. Keep working through your stuff and you will see the other side.

I survived my weekend at the party hut in the mountains. I say survived because I didn't enjoy it like in past years. My fellow 40-yr. old friends still want to party like they are in their 20's and I learned that I'm not really interested in it any more. I thought I could just do my thing and participate sans drink. I did do the "sans drink" part, but I found it hard to participate with enjoyment. This made me sad and left me feeing a little blue this morning. These trips have been a favorite past time for me and I'm not sure they will be in the future.
I am feeling like I don't know how to socialize - though it may be more that I just don't want to regress 20 years. Either way, a bit bummed today.

Crockettaa - you still there? I would love to hear your weekend story. When I first logged on here, I ended up leaving after 16 days AF to go on a drinking trip with friends. It took me a few times to realize that AL is not something I want in my life any more. I hope you made it through, but if you didn't, tell us about it and get yourself back on track.

I missed this place this weekend - glad to be back. Have a great day everyone!