Newbies Nest

[Stevo]

Gambler I was what you would call a functioning alcoholic and yes my life didn't really begin to fall apart until I came into recovery.You see I can soldier on when I drink myself into oblivion at the end of each day but take away the medication and guess what I can no longer function as I did previously.I came into recovery and tried to continue on with my old life but wound up hooked on drugs after 6 months of working and not having alcohol to deal with it.I spent 4 and a half months in a rehab and have not been able to get a hold on my life again.I have guided my family into poverty and financial ruin in the name of recovery,not what I would consider a noble act.Maybe only from the standards that I have placed on myself but I think that I would not be alone in thinking this way.
I am glad to hear that you told your boss to stick his job and you started your own business,good for you.I live in an area where there is not a lot of work and although there are other jobs for someone like myself the issues that I find difficult to live with are the industry through.Retraining is something that I would love to do and it may come further down the track.
I would like to end with this,I didn't have to run my life into the ground to enter back into recovery.I have been here before and I knew where the solution was.I had been back out drinking actively for 10 years when I said to myself this has to end.If I had have known what was in store for me as a recovering alcoholic on the day that I decided to give recovery another crack I most likely would have said this can wait until the kids get a bit older.I wasn't thinking that a rainbow was going to hit me in the rear end but I also wasn't thinking that what has eventuated would happen either.
Cheers Stevo.

[Byrdlady]

Good Morning, Nesters!
Pav sends her best regards from HER company conference. Seems to be the time of year for those!
Wishing everyone an easy day. Byrdie

[Hanna]

Good morning nesters

Day 9 and feeling strong! Finally starting to sleep well, and oh it feels so good. I have a long work day ahead and was a little worried about the triggers at the end of today (leaving my office after a long day spent testing a 17 year old). I would typically go immediately to the liquor store. However, NS gave me a suggestion that has been shared here: leave all my money and credit cards at home. SO SIMPLE BUT SO BRILLIANT! So that is, among other things, my plan.

Have a great day!

Beth

[KENSHO]

Happy Tuesday! I love the fact that not drinking is my norm now. I have issues to deal with here and there and the occasional craving, but most nights it's just the way life is now - without alcohol. This is a wonderful feeling! I can only say it must be time that has brought me to this point!

Feeling grateful today...

[Overit-still]

Just a quick fly by. EXTREMELY busy at work for the next few months. Hope everyone is doing well.

[Resolve]

Welcome back Steveo. I've read your posts with interest in both your story and thoughts about recovery. Dealing with both alcohol and a drug addiction is a real testament of your strength to come out on top as you have. You've battled on several fronts and are clean and sober as a result, and those are victories and the reason we're all here, so I congratulate you on that.

What I haven't seen before is someone questioning that if they had deferred their recovery, and in essence prolonged their addiction, would their life have been better. Usually our reverse-thinking is geared more to wishing we had done this sooner. I know in substance that's not what you're saying from a health and well-being perspective since you struggled it seems for years, including a lengthy rehab stint. What I hear is that your self-respect, pride and ego have been badly bruised based on your financial situation and a lack of sense of being a strong provider for your family. I don't know your type of work or profession, but it seems a bit disconnected to equate your livelihood with the idea that alcohol was justifiable then because it helped you get through it. Alcohol provides that false sense of everything and we all drank to cope, mask and simply not deal with some aspects of life (addiction reasons aside). It will gladly accept credit for helping us to deal with our jobs, relationships or anything, but it deserves none nor should we give it that under any circumstances. I'm guessing that at some point you saw through this and chose yourself over any perceived benefits from it since you stopped drinking. That was the right choice so I hope you don't really regret that.

What you've achieved is what all of us here have struggled to as well. If you feel you've let your family and yourself down temporarily on the monetary front, then focus on that being temporary. A job and your financial situation can change, maybe not overnight but surely an easier battle then overcoming alcohol and drug addictions. We all have baggage and regret from our past actions with the common thread being alcohol caused or made them worse. You aren't less of a man for getting yourself help, and what you've provided your family is a greater gift of your true self who is present, sober and not making bad choices that are harmful to you and them. There is absolutely nothing selfish about recovery and the notion that any drug use is unselfish if it leads to a greater economic good is simply untrue. You've done the hard work in getting clean so don't give that up or think you've lost everything else so why not again. You can have a great future, and however it turns out, it will only be better with your sobriety intact. You know this, so keep thinking about the positives you've achieved and the possibilities out there.

[Healthybutempty]

Just returned from the doctor. She wants me to take these other anti-anxiety meds in the meantime, and is making a referral for me to see someone at mental health services hospital. I told her everything about how ive been really anxious and paranoid and having suicidal thoughts and craving alcohol after so long. I also told her about the compulsive hand washing. I am glad im finally going to talk to someone about my issues but i am nervous too, because throughout my life anytime I talked to a therapist or mental health professional I would always lie and would just say what they wanted to hear so I could get out of there and go get a drink. But this time I know if I want the help I need to be honest with them and tell them everything.

[Matt M.]

Hey Friends

Just checking in. All is going OK with me.

Stevo~ Really not much I can add. Resolve took the words out of my mouth, then put them down way more eloquently than I could ever imagine.
I hope you decide to stick around. You have been able to string along a respectable amount of sober time. I would hate for all that turmoil going on inside to lead you to the F-it's . Stay close my friend!
The other day I posted on here how I was starting to feel worried and nervous because in my past failed attempts at quit, The 7-10 month period had been where I had failed twice before. My worries were that I hoped I was doing things "right" this time, whatever that is?
Instead of continuing to stress and worry, I really looked deep inside me and asked " what is different this time?"
I look at alcohol so different now. It's a beautifully packaged poison.
I gain zero benefit from it in all aspects of my life.
The thought of "look what I'm missing out on" when I'm around friends that drink, has almost diminished. I have trained myself, anytime a thought of drink comes to mind, to play that drink out for the next 24-72 hours. It never ends well.

As I creep up on 7 months sober , those darkest days Before I got Sober have become my greatest assets! I have to remind myself when something bad is happening or life isn't fair, life maybe just steering me in a new, better direction that is for my greater good!
Stay hard my friends!

[Hanna]

Hey Matt-

Thanks for your post. It gives me a lot of hope. I have just about completed day 9, and feeling pretty good. I knew this week would be stressful, and it has, but I geared up for it, and think the rest of the week, while busy, will be better. I look forward to having days where I don't have that period of time in which I have to actively do something to deal with the crazy thoughts of drinking. Right now, pretty much daily, I have a (short) period of time in which I am actually not sure if I am going to make it. Thankfully, so far I have. It is scary though. I am glad I left all my money and credit cards home this morning.

Anyway, I have barely had a chance to get on here and read today. Hoping I can do so before I get to bed. It fuels me.

Beth

[gambler]

Good evening nesters..

That was a very well written post Resolve.

Dont take my last post the wrong way Stevo. It was not intended to be about me. I was just trying to bridge some gaps. I think I know generally how you came to where your at. Your right man. For some fathers there is nothing more important than the safety and well being of our family. I hear you. Given a choice of sobriety that would endanger my family..or security of at the cost of self..I dunno honestly. I would do Anything for my kids. ( again..this is not about me..im just trying to put myself in your shoes ). But staying the corse would ultimately be of benefit to everyone. I dont know what else to say other than I really feel for you.

Seeing as how much you really care..enough to consider putting your own self on the back burner for them..shows that your more of a Real man than most. Im sure we will all agree on this. But remember..you have to take care of yourself as well. Best to you.

[enzo'smom]

another good day for me except for lunch. My two girlfriends from work took me out for my birthday (it was last month).
I ordered green tea and they ordered red wine. The restaurant didn't have the kind they wanted so they proceeded to try 4 different wines…waiter bringing over each glass one at a time…before they settled on what they wanted….really? they had to go through that riggamoroll for a glass of wine with lunch? It was driving me crazy. The worst part was smelling it. Anyway, it was uncomfortable but it wasn't a huge crave which is good. It was just really annoying.

So, I am home safe and sound looking forward to watching some good TV tonight…..better call saul is on!!

[MossRose]

Hi all. I've been absent a few days. I was just busy with life and taking some time off from the screen. Things are going much better now. I guess I just needed to get some sleep. I see a lot has been going on in the Nest.

Hi Stevo and welcome. We haven't met yet, but I went back and read all of your posts. I'm intrigued. You have gotten some solid advice. (Resolve, your post was amazing.) So while, I can't claim to understand your situation, I certainly do understand this:

I have stopped going to AA and NA I found that in the end the fellowship and the meetings were actually detrimental to my well being and I was just becoming angry.Cheers Stevo.

I get this. I have recently felt this way. I thought I was the only one. I couldn't adequately explain it to anyone, most of all myself. Lately, I too have felt myself getting angry and anxious. When people are kind to me, it almost made it worse. It's odd. As you said, I knew logically that things wouldn't magically get better when I got sober, but I had hoped for a different outcome. Something other than this. I am grateful to be sober, but I am sad that so much had to be lost due to drinking and then not drinking. With that said, I hope you stay the course. Going back isn't the answer. I've thought of it too. And it makes no sense. Your family is much better off having you sober and present. I know it sucks to worry about money, and all that implies, but that can be fixed. It's a terrible bother, but it can be done. Stay strong.

I know this post may upset a few. That's not my intent. Stevo's comment hit a nerve with me. Please know that I love you all and I am grateful every day for MWO. I'm just going through something right now that I don't even understand. Thought all of this nonsense would be behind me by now.

[Byrdlady]

Hanna, great job on Day nine! The best is yet to come, wait til you get to day 13! Something clicked for me and I knew I had it!

Resolve, great post and congrats on 100 days!!! Wooohoo!
Beachgirly had 60 yeasterday!

Stevo, I know this one thing to be true: Nothing is improved by alcohol.

B

[daisy45]

just spent about 3 hours grocery shopping online. It takes so long but so good when it is delivered directly into my kitchen.
Busy day with the kids...they are off school next week for midterm so not sure if they are coming to me or not.
Not sure how I am feeling at the moment. I do know exercise is a biggie for lifting my mood and I haven't done any for a few days. Also very much on edge.....this is when things tend to go belly-up for me. Something is not quite there....I am isolating a lot.....Sunday for obvious reasons.....drinking going on anywhere I thought of going to, and even though I stayed away, I was still contaminated by phone calls and a drunken cousin banging my door at 3am.
This Sunday I am driving to Dublin so will be away the whole day.
I do not know any friends who are nondrinkers. It was annoying that my friend who I confided in, rang and asked how the non-drinking was going, then tells me she is drinking a bottle of wine.....the phone call then dragged out.
I have had this before with others.....one cousin who kept offering me tea and over-the-top checking I was ok as she got absolutely sloshed and looked with pity on me as I was the one with a problem.
I suppose this is a problem with being open.....especially in the circle of friends and family around me....I consider many of them to have a problem. Just had to get that out!
Apart from that all is ok. My turn for the early shift tomorrow....7am toddler. I will get on the exercise bike and shower to try and lift this mood....

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

MossRose, I have to tell you that my emotions were all over the place during my first year but that changes. We have so much adjusting to do after we quit, it just takes a little time. Keep the faith that everything will work out!

Stevo, I'm glad to see the guys here responding to you but I hope we can all support you as well. Be kind to yourself, you have accomplished a lot already. Good things will come for you as well.

Wishing everyone a safe & cozy night in the nest!

Lav