Newbies Nest

[KENSHO]

Stevo, so glad to hear your stresses have lessened! Great news!

Samstone (and Jennie), it was the "desire to drink", despite what it was doing to my life, that was so confusing to me. How could I want something so destructive, when I've always strived to be the best I could be? I've since learned that it is addiction or alcohol-voice - that primal part of my brain that learned to mistakenly signal me to drink. That understanding made it much easier for me to accurately weigh the pros and cons of drinking - and there is NO contest.

This morning I flashed back to about two years ago. I knew I had a problem with drinking too much. I went to a therapist to "discuss" my desire for alcohol. (in fact, over the next year, I would visit a total of 3 different therapists). I told them that I didn't want to stop, I just wanted to understand my desire to drink and fix that first. Not only did they NOT explain ANY of the mechanics of addiction and brain chemistry, they never just suggested that I stop for any length of time. To my fault, I did tell them that I just wanted to talk - to understand the issues behind my drinking. I now know that drinking itself was much of the problem.

When I came here, it was out of frustration that I knew alcohol was damaging my life, but I had no tools to understand my addition or learn to stop. With the toolbox, years of posts, daily support, and shining examples of successful abstainers, I learned that I had an addiction to alcohol that hit an irrational part of my brain. I also learned, through trial and error, that I was better off not drinking anything at all - and that all alcohol did was damage my relationships, energy, clarity, problem-solving skills and health.

I remember sitting in the therapist's offices feeling lost and spent and very frustrated. Now I feel I understand what's going on, and have improved all aspects of my life. Thanks to this site and the people who participate, I have moved in the right direction and am living life again. To those who are new or lurking or struggling, keep reading and participating. You are here because you know you have a problem. If you commit to solving it, you have amazing resources here. Keep at it - and it will click!

[Matt M.]

Checking in on the Fly!
All is well here in God's country it has been unseasonably warm, that's about to come to a screeching hault. If you don't like the weather in North Texas just wait a few hours!

Kensho great post, I so tried to get someone or something to tell me I didn't have a problem. I too knew it a long time ago. I was going through my Kindle App on my phone the other day and found about 5 years worth of books I had downloaded on , "learning to moderate" " quit forever in just 3 hours" all of them mostly bullshit to be honest.
I worked so hard at trying to not drink like a fucking
lunatic. Some of you may remember my story about me planning and plotting to drink for several months.(Linda does, and reminds me often)
I had my wife believing that I was moderating, although she didn't like it. Thing is I didn't drink a drop the whole time I had her believing I was moderating. So for several months I was home more, not an Ass to be around, never had AL on my ( because I wasn't drinking) I successfully convinced her I was a by God changed man! Then the wheels came off the day I took that first drink. 10 months dry down the drain. Who the Fuck does that? This Sicko did. :bravo:
That's all I have to say about that.

For me and most like me, it's not the 8th 12th or 20th drink that does me in. It's the very FIRST one!
Stay Hard Freaks!

[NoSugar]

Hanna/Beth, You sound like Pav with each getting past your challenges in fine form last night (and believe me, that is high praise! Pay attention to what she does and DO IT! You'll never regret it!).

sometimes I think I am just fooling myself and everyone around me with my proclamation that I don't want to drink anymore. I mean, after years of drinking every day I really don't know the true me. Does anyone else ever think like that? Am I just brainwashing myself? If I am, I welcome it……but do I really?
confused this morning…..but definitely fully committed to NOT drinking today….that much I know is true. poison poison poison

Jennie, I think it is a form of "brain washing" although the neuroscientists that study the phenomenon probably don't call it that :wink:.

Part of our brains are messed up and need to be washed clean! They aren't responding appropriately to signals. When a person gets to the point of not being able to imagine going a day without a drink it is because the brain is confusing the need for alcohol with the need for something required to keep the individual or species alive such as food, water, or sex. Well, clearly, alcohol is not required for life so the brain needs to be retrained not to think it is. A clue to all of this is how you can "satisfy" that part of your brain with fluids and food -- sometimes all you really are is thirsty or hungry but our brains have learned how really awesome it feels to "scratch that itch" with alcohol - so much more rewarding in terms of brain biochemicals. We have to learn to get our thrills elsewhere and satisfy true biological needs with what they are really aimed at - food, water, and sex.

So, yes, I think the real you (your rational brain) wants to quit drinking or you wouldn't have come back. The mis-wired part of your brain is going to do everything it can to make you doubt yourself. But you can re-wire or brainwash or whatever you want to call it. And you're doing the necessary work - posting, practicing gratitude, getting rewards in other ways - and most importantly, not drinking.

Please give yourself the time you need, Jennie. Some people go back to trying to moderate before they've given themselves long enough to heal and that is just so sad and so unlikely to work.

xx, NS

[Healthybutempty]

Hello everyone, hope all are doing well.
Today is day 348 for me.
My bf is on day 1 again. So far so good. He is using his valium prescription to get through the physical withdrawal symptoms, but I am not going to get too optimistic because he has tried this way MANY times. But I hope he does.
I am trying to look out for my own sobriety first and have been staying away from him whenever he's drinking or using drugs, when possible.
Although I am still kind of struggling with my mood and cravings and paranoia.
I got a referral from the doctor and am waiting for an appointment to be fully assessed, but she said it sounds like it could be OCD or possibly schizophrenia. I just want to find out for sure what is wrong so I can get some proper help and treatment.

Hope everyone is having a great AF day/night! Gettin a bunch of snow up here over the next couple days!

[Guitarista]

Yo Nesters near and not so far,

Great posts from everyone here as usual. Kensho, now that i understand more about what's happening inside my brain when it interacts with booze, it is much easier to tackle it. I now understand where and why cravings come from and exist, and why i respond in a certain way i.e. first reaction is to go get my fix. Now i can step back and know what's going on and know that i don't need to be afraid or be baffled by any mystery as to whats happening inside me. The science is now out there, and here on these boards for us to learn about. The science is taking away the fear and the mystery of my addiction and past rides to hell. For me, getting an insight is really helpful and i feel strengthens my sober path.

And this is thanks to folks like No sugar, Turnagain and many others past and present who continue to post links to scientific info. The 'online media toolbox' is a great thread for this.

Passing the butt velcro to the...........................left!

Keep kicking ass y'all.

[Hanna]

well 4:30 here, and I am still at work for a little bit. UGH. My head is giving me a hard time today. I am trying to ignore, but hearing the voice in my head trying to convince me it would be a good day to drink. I just ate an apple, but for some reason, it is a tough afternoon. I can't wait to get in my car and get HOME. A couple of things are keeping me safe right now. I hear Bird saying that day 13 was a turning point, and I am almost there. Also, NS has said that I would not believe the change I will experience in my thinking after a month. When I really need to grasp at straws, I remind myself that I have routine blood work a week from Tuesday, and it would be nice to go into that without alcohol in my system. Why just on the cusp of feeling so strong in the last few days is this hitting me today??? UGGHHH. I know as soon as I eat dinner I will be fine. Just gotta deal a little while longer. Promised I would share so I am. Hope all of you are having a better moment than I am!

Later

[See the Light]

For quite a while the “voices” in my head seemed very apparent and very much in conflict (and they are still there from time to time). I am reminded of a Pink Floyd quote: “there’s someone in my head, but it’s not me”. Obviously they are not really voices, and I like how NS put it..it’s the rational thoughts trying work themselves back and heal your thinking…much of the AL battle is a mental game…but it’s much more than just will…it more really is about understanding ..really understanding what you are doing, why you are doing it, what it is doing to you and those around you ..and why you need to stop. When you cross that part..when you become rational again, , the struggle with will power and the battles with coping seem easier to manage. The good voices can win, but you need to empower them.

Below is one bookmark I referred to from time to time that seemed to make sense at the beginning (although don't 100% agree with all of it)...

http://www.rational.org/index.php?id=36

Addiction Recovery — Now
©2014 Jack Trimpey, all rights reserved.



Give these items some careful, serious thought. An awful lot is at stake!



1. Imagine how you would feel if you knew for a fact that that you’ll never drink/use again, that your addiction is already ended, and you’re free at last.

2. Notice your mixed feelings, (a) freedom and hope for a better life, and (b) a sinking feeling related to total, lifetime abstinence.

3. That sinking feeling is your Beast. The sense of liberation and relief is you.

4. Your Beast talks in your thoughts. Your Beast is your wild appetite for the high-life, the desire to get high.

5. You can hear your Beast sowing seeds of self-doubt that you can decide to never drink/use again and stick with it forever. That is your Addictive Voice.

6. Your Addictive Voice (AV) is any thinking that supports or suggests the possible future use of alcohol or other drugs. Your AV is the sole cause of your addiction. Your Beast speaks with awesome authority, but it is a mere desire, utterly powerless, a dependent quadriplegic unable to wiggle your fingers.

7. Your Beast (a) organizes your thoughts, emotions, and perceptions to support your addiction forever, (b) develops plans for continued drinking/using, and (c) predicts a gloomy life without the option to get high.

8. Your Beast has only one fear, deprivation of its favorite fix. It fears only one word, “never,” as in, “Never say never.” Therefore, that is exactly what to say: “I will never drink/use again!” — the Big Plan of AVRT-based recovery. Go ahead. Say it, and mean it.

9. The more you mean it, the stronger you’ll feel your Beast’s emotional recoil. The more pain for your Beast, the better for you. Say it again, and believe in yourself: I will never drink/use again. No pain; no gain.

10. Feel the joy of victory! That is the Abstinence Commitment Effect (ACE). Feel your Beast’s agony of defeat, the sinking, angry feelings. Shift back and forth between your joy and its agony. As you practice this, you’ll draw the fact of full recovery into the present moment.

11. You’re fully recovered at the moment you say you are. Others will catch on in due time.

12. Recovery now may seem premature, impossible, too simple, or too easy. Or it may seem impossible to guarantee anything because the future is necessarily unknown. Or, you may believe recovery doctrines about addictive disease, powerlessness, and one-day-at-a-time sobriety. If any of these seem so, go to #6, above.

13. Welcome your Beast into your life as a sign of health, and not disease. Welcome your Addictive Voice as a sign that you know right from wrong. In other words, to your Beast, anything that feels as good as its favorite fix cannot be wrong. To you, nothing could be more wrong than drinking/using, in the larger, moral sense of the word.

14. Now, you have two sets of eyes, the eyes of your Beast, and your own, human eyes. The view is amazingly different from those polar opposite viewpoints.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Byrdlady]

Hanna,
I went back and found my post from Day 13 for you... it truly was a changing day!

OriginallyPosted by Byrdlady
Day13. Yesterday was EASY!!!! I'm so happy to report, that hubs was out of townand I had the perfect opportunity to have myself a high old time....but Ididn't! The voices weren't as loud or as often, so day 13 was the day that Ithink I turned the corner. I feel good! I certainly haven't lost any weight...Iam rewarding myself by saying, look, you can have anything in the world youwant, except AL...now I need to reel myself in a bit and stop eating everythingin sight. Finally finished off the last of the Christmas cookies I had in thefreezer. For the first time in years, I feel like I'm getting control of mylife, and it feels really good! ODAT! I could NOT have done it without thissite.

[NoSugar]

11. You’re fully recovered at the moment you say you are. Others will catch on in due time.

I didn't believe this one at the beginning, STL, but now I do.

Once you've made the non-negotiable choice, you're free! It really is that simple of a concept, even if not an easy point to get to. But - you can!

That doesn't mean we don't have to make the effort to maintain our recovered states (which some refer to as being in "active recovery"). Maybe it's just a matter of semantics but - back to how we think about things - I believe the words we choose, especially about ourselves, really matter.

I've made all sorts of big lifestyle changes over the years to accommodate my biology with not drinking being the most challenging one because it involves an addiction, not just a preference, habit, or desire. I don't consider myself to be a victim of any of the diseases I've been labeled with. I've recovered from them and am determined to maintain my recoveries. xx, NS

[Turnagain]

Yeah, baby! Amen! Huzahhh! Love that - NS!

Here's a link to a great Ted Talk that makes a powerful connection between our thoughts and our bodies and how they are intertwined:

http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en

I've got to tell you that I have 'assumed the position' many a times - from just wanting a good start on the day to dealing with some fairly big challenges. It works - it really, truly always results in me feeling better. And this is culmulative. Builds really buff brain connections. Gets my hippocampus doing a happy polka and a little dosey-doh with my bouncy basal ganglia.

One of the greatest things about beating addiction has been the discovery of the unlimited power between my ears. I LOVE my brain. And I will protect it like my life depends on it. Because it does.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Lots of great discoveries & discussion going on today - I like that

STL, the phrase 'Don't feed the beast' sounded so odd when I first heard it but it makes perfect sense. It's a good starting point for newest newbies!

NS& Turn, I've always loved knowing that we can actually rewire our brains & get some brand new action going in between our ears

Hanna, HBE, hang in there - you are both doing great! Glad the boyfriend is making another attempt HBE but I'm even happier hearing you are making yourself your #1 priority!!!!

Wishing everyone a safe & cozy night in the nest. Temps are dropping rapidly in my portion of the nest - freezing out there!!!

Lav

[daisy45]

Turnagain, I would love to see your face as you were writing that post.....you radiate 'joie de vivre!' You are a great incentive for anyone wondering 'is it worth it?'
Very busy day again. Early finish tomorrow and looking forward to it....
Bought St Johns Wort yesterday.... been feeling really low some days, then great for a couple...don't know,..could be hormonal, but will give this a go.
Was so good getting my shopping delivery this morning....delivery man wasn't bad looking....might offer tea next time....joking!

[Hanna]

Hi all again

Thank you, thank you. Can't begin to tell you how much you all help me! Thanks Bird, for sharing your 13 day post (although gaining weight prospect scares the s**t out of me). Thank you NS, for making so much sense to me. I am just fine now. It is amazing how my brain can go from almost certain I am going to cave, to absolutely happy to not drink and horrified at the thought I could have. No on who has not experienced could possibly understand.

Have a great night all!

[daisy45]

Hanna, I know it's different for everyone but every time I get some decent AF time I lose some weight. I eat more, especially sweet stuff and crisps, which I never did, and the weight came off.
The calories in the wine, plus late night eating and then hangover food....good to enjoy food now. This time I have dropped 16lbs and that is where I am happy to stay.

[Byrdlady]

Hanna, after a couple months I went on to lose 13 pounds, so dont worry about that! You are so right, only one of us would understand what this is like. Hang in there! B