Newbies Nest

[jane27]

Daisy,
What a terrible situation to be in. You know what you can handle and what you can't, and I'm glad that you're not going to take on this massive responsibility. It sucks and I know how heart breaking it must feel but even the sturdiest mule can only carry so much weight. Please try not to feel badly, it will eat away at your strength. These last couple weeks out of sheer desperation, I have more than once lied down on the bed, closed my eyes and tried to meditate- focusing on breathing in and out slowly. It helped. We are here for you. xo

[actiongirl46]

Welcome Kelpie! I am a newbie myself and don't have any experience with deprinol. You may want to put that question on one of the other threads as well as this one. If you hit "home" in the top left corner a list of the forums will come up. Scroll down and you will see one on Meds. I'm not sure if they are as active as this one but someone will get back to you eventually.

In the meantime, we're glad you're here! Stick around, read everything you can, it WILL help.

[Pavati]

Hi, Nest:

Daisy - so sorry for your situation. I know that you must be doing what is best for you and the kids in the long run, and I know it must be heartbreaking. I have to put my MWO two cents in, however - STOP DRINKING! It won't help the situation any, and it won't help you feel better. It will add guilt on top of whatever else you are feeling, and will keep you from feeling like you are making clear-headed decisions in this difficult time. I know you can do it.

Turn - What a beautiful post. I know in my head that I didn't cause this, but sometimes it is hard for me to wrap my head around. That's one for the Toolbox, for sure.

And NS, you said it beautifully. When I remember the painful lows of my drinking days, I know that the flat spots are nowhere even in the same ball park. And the good parts are so much better.

Welcome, Kelpie. I don't know deprinol, but I do know sober is great. Settle in here and you'll get a lot of support to get and stay sober.

As for Facebook - I always put it all through a filter - no one posts the crappy stuff there (except the few Eeyores who always have a sad story. You are looking at the airbrushed version of everyone's life. Here in Northern California people are posting "summer in February" pictures of themselves at beaches and in shorts, but they're not showing the unflushed toilets that we have or the docks sitting on the bottoms of dry lakes. I know you know this, but I typed it anyway - a good reminder.

Ok, nest. Good night.

Pav

[Guitarista]

My thoughts are with you Daisy. I hope things settle down in the best way possible for you all real soon. Take good care of you.

Welcome Kelpie! I have no experience of that med sorry. Someone here or in the meds section might know, though i haven't heard of it. Does it go by another name, or is it new?

Take it easy. G

[daisy45]

Pav...I know you are right. I will. Now Things look a bit clearer.
The kids know something is going on....acting up and crying for no reason. I can't even tell them off or discipline them as I feel the pain....Just horrendous. We are giving them all the love and hugs we can, even though I feel like I have betrayed them. Hug, love and give away....that's how it feels.

[enzo'smom]

pav: you are so right about Facebook
I may be sitting in my house, bundled up with a blanket around my shoulders looking outside at the dreariness of winter, but in my head it is springtime. everything clean and clear, fresh and new because i am not drinking. I would rather be here in the freezing cold with springtime in my head than in the tropics but with the dead of winter inside my head because of alcohol…...

[enzo'smom]

food for thought

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14348/how-i-live-with-addiction-every-day-amber-valletta.html

[Rahulthesweet]

Hi All,

Someone I am come across situations when I feel like just being there and taking a snapshot of the place I am around. See for example right now I am sitting a mall close to a business meeting which I have in an hours time.

Typical scene of a coffee showing in the ally of a mall. Classic music from 50's playing in the background.

The couple sitting next has been chit chatting for so long. The kind of talks looks like the are from advertising. It surprises me sometimes people have so much to talk about ! Talk and talk ... It is all pretending or genuine desire to express I wonder. For the book which I am reading now a days preach that "for one to have public victory, one much have a victory over one self. If you are genuinely kind, have integrity, and respect your actions will speak louder than words and you can have much fruitful relationships." Me its been the hardest thing to do having genuine friends. Am I so "non genuine". "I can't share anything with you", "You dont have time for me" are the common expressions I hear from my wife. But then she atleast complains. For the rest they dont ... "To be or not to be ..." for me I guess. But then I see this couple chatting for long ... I wonder ...

The guys making fresh coffee ... must be having such a simple life. In early 20's all they have to do is come and serve coffee. They probably have their whole like in front of them and are maybe not entangled in the web we all knit for ourselves in this thing call life.

The guy on the right wearing a "dropbox logo" blue T-shirt seems to be going all the way to impress the other guy. Interview ? Maybe . ... Job interview is something I never did and I wonder how I feels like. But being in sales I guess its like an interview. ...

The elevator in the mall goes up and down ... kinda reminds of our lives how they also moves up and down ... highs and lows ... but then we stay put on this world can't move another. The lives as if guided by the rails on which the elevator moves ...

The security guard seems to have the most thought job I guess. To do nothing ... or maybe the most responsible one as well. Wonder what he thinks about the whole day. Does he notices the things which I am lie now at this moment.

Its gonna be a long day. I have a business meet then a funeral to attend in afternoon an then a pre wedding function in the evening. Situations of success for some, extreme sadness for others and extreme delight for my cousin who is getting married tomorrow.

Thats reminds me of this cousin to home I saw like after 5 year yesterday one another pre wedding functions. Back home for Seattle, Washington where she is working. "she had a dream proposal " said my wife yesterday evening .. "He took her out on a a private jet, the had wine and then he proposed !" . This reminds me of what I crazy things I did with few handful women during school / college days.

"I stopped drinking about an year ago " I mentioned to a relative who was surprised to see a diet coke in my hand. For rest of my cousins already know that I dont drink any more. "So much control ... WOW !" he remarked !! I wanted to say it was not about control. ... it has never been about controlling. ... but then ... to much to preach ...

Time for my meeting see ya …

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters

Sunny & -1 degree here - weird!

Hello & welcome Kelpie, glad you decided to join us!
The best way to get started is by looking through the Tool Box & use some of the great info there to put a good plan together for yourself.
Were you perhaps talking about using Declinol to stop drinking? Deprinol is an old fashioned anti-depressant that caused lots of nasty side effects. It's not used much any more here in the US since the newer SSRIs came on the market. Stick around & let us help you with your plan.

Daisy, I'm thinking about you & sincerely hope you are OK :hug:

Wishing everyone a great AF Friday!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Good Morning, Nesters!
Turn, that WAS a post for the ages, I hope you will stash that in the Tool Box for safe keeping! It hit all the right notes. I must agree whole-heartedly that Lavande is the Leader of The Pack, and the strength of the leader is the strength of the group. Under her tutelage, more people are living better lives thru abstinence and its her example here that sets the tone. She is a stellar (and Stella) role model!

Kelpie, welcome aboard. Please tell us about yourself and what you have tried in the past. When I first got here, I was hoping there was a pill I could take to help me fix all this, but what I have learned (most, if not ALL, the hard way) is that there is no luck involved...it takes a plan. I don't see any pill helping that much around here, but what DOES help more than anything is getting AL out of your life. How do you do that? Please see the link below to the Tool Box. It's filled with 7 year's worth of gems to help you. We are glad you're here!

The other day I was reading back thru the Relapse in Retrospect that NoSugar so thoughtfully put together. I don't know about you, but I like black and white answers as to WHY relapse happens. I see a common thread. 'I got overwhelmed'. And that is just why god made support groups. A problem SHARED is halved and a joy shared is doubled. What seems to happen to us is this:
*We feel confident in our quits and go out into our world.
*Issues start piling up and we get busier and busier (we drift away from the MotherShip, the source of Strength).
*We get overwhelmed and turn to the quick fix we all know (and hate).
BAM, RELAPSE.
I have seen this over and over and over. I have DONE it over and over and over!
STAY CONNECTED HERE. Writing out your problems and getting some different perspectives makes ALL the difference. We all lead busy lives, but remember what the foundation of all of it is....our sobriety. Without that foundation, everything else crumbles, as we see here on this site daily. I am as busy as the next person, but I MAKE time for posting and reading. Staying sober is my #1 Priority....and so is staying sober. Did I mention that staying sober is THE most important thing? It is a really small price to pay for all I have received. STAY SOBER. It's 1000 times easier than starting over. (see my book on 1001 Day 1's)

Rahul, you are such a gifted writer. Why don't you write your wife a love note? There for a while, when I traveled a lot, I would call home and it went something like this: "Uh, huh....did we get any mail? How's the dog? Blah, blah, blah, love you, bye". It was not very meaningful. But then I decided to write him notes at night instead. He would write me back and it was really cool! He can express himself better on paper (so to speak), I know I can, too. I hate the phone! Maybe thru that medium, you and she could express yourself more deeply. I tell you, the notes you write us are intimate, maybe SHE would enjoy hearing this, too? What woman wouldn't??? Just a thought. I hope your meeting, wedding and funeral went as well as possible. Gosh, that is quite a day right there! You covered ALL the bases!
Friday in these parts, just because we have a weekend doesn't give us a free pass to BoozeVille! Stay strong, you will never regret a day you spent SOBER! Hugs, Byrdie

[Hanna]

Good morning Nesters-

First, Daisy. I can only imagine the intense feelings you are experiencing right now. I know you want the best for those little guys and love them dearly. Here is the thing IMO. Even if you were not to drink, keeping these kids will not work. Not for you, your family OR for them. As much as you want to make it all ok, you seem to know that it won't be. Therefore, as difficult as this decision is, you are doing the BEST you can for them in a lousy situation. You really are. Guilt, therefore, is irrational. As difficult as this is, you are rising to the occasion, not the opposite. Lots of hugs.

I woke up today feeling so much better (from my cold). Yesterday I stayed home and barely got out of bed. I kicked this virus' a**, and am so thankful for that!

Kelpie

I too am a newcomer, so to speak. I have just a couple of weeks under my belt, and can NOT believe how good I feel. Like you, I drank almost nightly for 30 years and actually tried to quit numerous times with no success. Let me tell you, quitting booze is VERY different than cigarettes. With cigs, while it is hard, it is willpower. We want to smoke, but our brain can remind us of why we DONT want to pick up that cig. With Al, our brains, at the moment of craving, tells us all the reasons it is ok to pick up. We cannot just fight our own thoughts. It does not work. That is the major difference, and I struggled with this a LONG time. AA told me to "give it up to God". Well, as an agnostic, that was NOT going to work for me. However, I have found a way to do this here, and it is much simpler than I could have thought. NOT easy, at least not at the beginning, but simple. Stick around.

I am much less resentful and sad now that my husband doesn't bring out a band in celebration of my every day lol. I realize that early on, each day felt like I had somehow avoided a firing squad or some such analogy, and could not understand why he did not celebrate that with me (of course, he could never have known or understood this). As it is getting so much easier day to day, I am able to see his somewhat ho hum reaction in a much more rational way.

I am amazed how quickly my thoughts can change, and how it impacts my mood. Wow, I can't believe I just said that LOL. I am a darn cognitive-behavioral psychologist. However, I think the masters of this psychology like Ellis and Beck missed something crucial. There is biology that plays a huge part in our thinking. I don't mean genetics. I mean our reward centers in our brain that, when screaming out for substance, without its own voice, taps into our thinking brain to put words to the need. and will come up with the most convincing words to do so, as the feeling from our lower brain is something like "give me this now or we will die!!" These are thoughts that are kinda impossible to argue with, no?

OK. Just my random thoughts here. Longer than usual, because I am on my computer and not my I-pad, and I can type faster and let my thoughts just roll onto the screen.

Have a great day all!!!

[Pinecone]

Enzo's mom, thanks for that video. I needed to hear a lot of the things she had to say. I have been thinking lately about tools and techniques for longer term sobriety. I know from my own experience here and reading that of many others that we have the early stages of recovery nailed. When a new person posts, they are directed to the Toolbox and Nest, which I think is fabulous because they really do work. I liked her concept of it "shape shifting" and her emphasis on personal growth through introspection and service. It prods me to get off my slacker butt and get more serious about that stuff. Someone said here once that if we stop paddling, we don't just stop, we start drifting backwards because of the current. Many good points on there, this has taken me a while to type because I'm digesting it.

Kelpie, welcome!

Daisy, hang in there!

Rahul, I enjoyed your reflections.

[Resolve]

Daisy - sending support across the pond to you. It's clear from your words this is a tough situation, but you've made the decision that's right for you. It sounds like you've given much of your time and self by way of the past and now you've had to make the right call about what you can manage for you and your family. I'm sure you'll still find a way to try to be involved and help to the extent you can as well. We all have our experiences that push us to the brink, and we deal as best we can and learn from them which helps with new challenges down the road. Your signature quote about it never being too late is true and one that I've always liked. Great words to live by, and I hope when things settle and seem clearer you keep doing that.

Otherwise I'm somewhat out of the loop around here with work making for a long week. The winter doldrums are in full swing and it seems everything snowballs this time of year - long hours, crap weather and not much downtime. We planned our spring break to have something warm to look forward to on the not too distant horizon, and it will also be the first real sober vacation for me in years. My wife informed me, not in a permission sort of way, that I can drink on this vacation, so how nice is that? I guess we apparently haven't talked enough about this based on that comment. At the beginning here I had to accept that I can't fix everything at once, or that everything is fixable, and by being focused inward all these months to maintain this quit I haven't been outwardly discussing it. I come here with my cyber alias and enraged looking avatar, which has helped me beyond words, but this has all been largely private. And just to be clear, I know there's no part of me that can drink in a contained, controlled environment away from home and then leave the drinking me behind again at check-out and expect he won't follow me home. A nice unrealistic idea, but we all get that this isn't a compartmentalized affliction that you break out for special occasions only. While I don't need an anvil dropped on my head, I can see I need to open up more on the relationship and communication front. Time to focus more on the we rather than me, but it's all part of the rebalancing I've experienced along the way. Not a regret yet, and I don't expect to have one.

Keep up the great work here!

[Turnagain]

I am amazed how quickly my thoughts can change, and how it impacts my mood. Wow, I can't believe I just said that LOL. I am a darn cognitive-behavioral psychologist. However, I think the masters of this psychology like Ellis and Beck missed something crucial. There is biology that plays a huge part in our thinking. I don't mean genetics. I mean our reward centers in our brain that, when screaming out for substance, without its own voice, taps into our thinking brain to put words to the need. and will come up with the most convincing words to do so, as the feeling from our lower brain is something like "give me this now or we will die!!" These are thoughts that are kinda impossible to argue with, no?

Hi Hanna - Just wanted to let you know how much I admire your insight about addiction. While I'm not in the healing profession, I've had the opportunity to work closely with folks who are to create information campaigns. It's no surprise that it takes time and a lot of education for new scientific findings to become an accepted part of clinical approaches. Recently, I've been introduced to the work of the Addiction Technology Transfer Center (ATTC) which has an ongoing initiative to help introduce the latest in addiction science to clinical professionals.

Here's a link that I think you and a whole lot of other people here will find interesting:

http://www.nattc.org/projects/blendinginitiative.aspx

And for those of you who enjoy getting geeky without hurting your brain too much with scientific jargon....here is a link to ATTC's Addiction Science Made Easy page that will lead you to a lot of great new knowledge.

http://www.nattc.org/addiction-science/asme-search.aspx

Hanna - imagine how much more you'll be bringing to your practice as a result of understanding the scientific basis of addiction as well as your own personal experience in overcoming addiction from the inside out. That's truly powerful.

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Welcome Kelpie! Love the handle. It's cute - made me think it should be a new character on SpongeBob - not that I watch it. LOL. Seriously, though - it's great that you're here and working on busting free of addiction....

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And Daisy....I hope you're still reading. I am going to say this very loudly so your prefrontal cortex will understand and act. Alcohol offers false and very fleeting relief to our stresses. In fact, alcohol ends up adding to the complications in stressful situations like yours.

There is no judgement here. Just a call for action. THROW OUT the alcohol in your house and get back here for the support you need.
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hugs to all...from the Newbies to the Do-Bees (LOL - anyone else of a certain age still scarred by Romper Room?)

If you dare:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtI1t_3wWLM

Laura

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Ha Ha Turn - Do Bees - I had forgotten about them

Rahul, wishing you the best with all your tasks (sorry we cross posted this morning).

Resolve, it's been nearly 6 years for me & guess what? I'm still keeping my quit to myself - it's mine & I don't want any opinions, permissions or anything of the sort from the people in my life. I have not & will not discuss this website, it's none of their business, just mine. Don't feel bad about protecting your quit - it's yours to protect

Hanna, glad you are feeling better today!

Well we are expecting more super cold weather, snow & who knows what this weekend. I am not thrilled because I have to get to my granddaughter's 4th birthday party on Sunday, LOL
Wishing everyone a safe & cozy night in the nest!

Lav