Newbies Nest

[Overit-still]

Good morning everyone. Taking my meds, appreciating my husband, working out, reading, praying, and of course work....just not enough time in every day. Not getting stressed out though, just taking it all in stride.....and smiling. Now....to get some good foods in me.

I appreciate everyone here. I can't even express it.

[NoSugar]

Some folks here would say that it is a day by day experience, and I agree that is true. I think it is a both/and proposition. One makes the firm, forever decision, and implements it on a day by day basis.

I agree, OK. We have to live with that apparent contradiction to get this done (and keep it done!), I think. For awhile, iit really bugged me when people popped up with that "one day at a time" phrase. I had decided that this was IT - forever - so telling people to take it a day at a time seemed ridiculous. Who wants to struggle every single day? But it turns out to be the way to go. You've got an overall goal for sure but given the vagaries of life, you can't anticipate all challenges you might encounter so you have to stay in the moment and continually make the decisions that support your overall goal. Fortunately, this becomes normal and easy. I rarely think about it anymore but want to stay in the moment so that a traumatic experience or bad news doesn't send me back to where I never want to be again.

My perception is that with some newbies here, it doesn't appear that they have crossed the bridge on the firm decision, for various reasons. At least in my case, by making the firm decision, it was one less thing I had to deal with in the early days of my quit- and as we all know there are PLENTY of things to deal with otherwise during those early days.

I think that's where the "30 day trial" can really help. Many if not most over-drinkers would like to magically become social drinkers and at the beginning, imagining life w/o another drink EVER is so daunting. But a month w/o one is imaginable, even if scary. It seems that many of us were fortunate during those 30 days of not poisoning ourselves to realize that we never had to drink again! We could imagine a life w/o a drink and it looked so good and peaceful. Others, like you (and I think, Resolve), were able to make that firm commitment right from the start which sounds like the best situation of all. All the struggle is gone. This is the Rational Recovery concept that I think is so true: As soon as you say you are done, you are.

[Overit-still]

It's funny, I never drank until I was 35. Prior to that time not once did it ever cross my mind to think I was depriving myself or that continuing on that path of NEVER DRINKING was hard work. I just didn't drink. No one ever questioned me or asked why (and if they did the answer would have been that I didn't like the taste, which I still don't) I never thought about it. I was around drinkers all the time, purchased alcohol for my husband. I was the designated driver. Nothing phased me. I didn't despise drinking. It just wasn't my thing. Fitness was. Funny how now the thought of NEVER DRINKING is a HUGE deal! But there are those who just don't and it's not work, it just is.

[Turnagain]

OK and Resolve - You've brought up the KEYS to unlock the AF Kingdom with very timely and well-articulated posts.

When I was drinking, I interpreted the phrase 'one day at a time' to mean, "I may not drink today, but who knows about tomorrow?" Yikes! That's sure an example of the diminished reasoning from a brain that has been damaged by grey matter shrinkage. And, as NoSugar points out so well, it's also quite typical:

Many if not most over-drinkers would like to magically become social drinkers and at the beginning, imagining life w/o another drink EVER is so daunting. But a month w/o one is imaginable, even if scary. It seems that many of us were fortunate during those 30 days of not poisoning ourselves to realize that we never had to drink again! We could imagine a life w/o a drink and it looked so good and peaceful. Others, like you (and I think, Resolve), were able to make that firm commitment right from the start which sounds like the best situation of all. All the struggle is gone. This is the Rational Recovery concept that I think is so true: As soon as you say you are done, you are.

It can seem very scary to make that commitment to no longer drink...no matter what forever and ever and ever. I remember telling myself that I had done EVERYthing possible to control my drinking and yet....I was failing quite miserably. It was about 10 days into this last quit when I finally realized there was actually one thing I had never tried: Complete and total abstinence. Forever and ever. THAT, my friends, was the NUCLEAR option as far as I was concerned.

I was starting to feel better after a rough detox and the thought of never drinking again seemed a little extreme. I mean, how could I possibly ever go to Italy or France again without drinking wine? I was getting better, right? Well. sorta. I remembered just how difficult it was to even get ONE day this last time around without the compulsion to drink and remembered how much I had to drink to even come close to getting a buzz and remembered how I had even considered killing myself because of the despair and depression I felt. I was afraid of what would happen if I went back to drinking. And, ironically, I was also afraid of what would happen if I decided to STOP drinking. Once and for all. As in FOREVER. What if I failed?

Then I did something quite odd for me. I decided to spend 10 minutes to 'try on' abstinence in my mind. No need for public proclamations or internal commitment - just a little imaginary foray into what life would be like without alcohol ever again. It felt like a very 'safe' and low-risk exploration.

It took some effort at first, but I really made myself see this life. I began by focusing first on the positive impact. As difficult as it was to imagine, I saw myself being FREE of the soul-robbing compulsion that had come to dominate my life. I saw myself feeling really healthy and happy again. I actually FELT a spark of self-respect igniting somewhere inside. I longed to feel simple joy again. I even saw myself feeling quite content to vacation in wine country without the need to damage my body anymore with a drug. I thought about those at MWO - the ones who were in charge of their lives - like the lovely LAV (she had a bouncy blue avie then!) and the mighty T-Byrdie. They were fulfilled and powerful and TOTALLY abstinent.

Then I made myself look at what the future would be if I went back to drinking. I had become very aware of the damage alcohol was doing to my brain. That scared me more than anything else, but I also saw the damage that had already been done to my body. Alcohol had really wrecked my gums, I knew it was effing up my intestines. I had constant diarrhea. My colon was full of pre-cancerous polyps. My tolerance level was frightening. I could drink a 12 pack of craft beer AND a few glasses of wine and still not feel buzzed.

Before my timer on my phone went off, I decided to take the 'leap' into abstinence. Whoa! I instantly felt light and a sense of immense relief.

NoSugar nailed it: All the struggle is gone.

At 10:35 am on that day in July 2011, my life changed forever. That decision - was the starting point. Thanks to the help of a lot of folks here and the amazing resources out there on the internet, I was able to heal and build my strength....moment to moment...day by day...month by month and year to year. My ironclad commitment backed by solid knowledge of the damage that this drug, alcohol, causes with - every drink - every time - to every body - gives me the confidence and assurance to know that I will NEVER go back to the hell of addiction. What I have left of my time here is now filled with an ever-growing sense of contentment and mind-peace. And isn't that what we all really want out of life?

[banana44]

That was truly beautiful, turnagain. I think that this kind of total mind-reset is what all of us addicts need. You've given me some inspiration today.

[banana44]

Hello everyone! Day 3 and I stopped on the way home from work...to Walgreens, a major AL stop for me many days. I had a list, without alcohol on it, and I stuck to my list. Beast brain pegged some KJ chardonnay on sale but nope, nope nope. Made it to the checkout line with very little difficulty, actually. Part of it is starting to regain my health and balance, I don't want to screw that up. But when feeling healthy and well starts to be the norm, I need to stick to my guns.

Rational Recovery does make the most sense to me. I mean, I can choose to be a drinker, or choose to be a non-drinker, and then become that person. I want to be a non-drinker, and I want peace and freedom. If I need to choose it daily, for now, that's fine too. But I will keep on choosing it until the dawn breaks...darnit! I've got too many lapses under my belt.



Just some

[Overit-still]

"Rational Recovery" has been mentioned a few times on here today and so I had to go look it up. The site looks familiar so I think I've been there before but never really checked it out. WOW! This is for me! This is it! I'm so into this theory of thinking. I'm not much for BS and this just calls it like it is. Thanks for whoever mentioned this. I've printed out the Crash Course and will peruse it later but I'm telling you, THIS IS GOSPEL for me.

[NoSugar]

"Rational Recovery" has been mentioned a few times on here today and so I had to go look it up. The site looks familiar so I think I've been there before but never really checked it out. WOW! This is for me! This is it! I'm so into this theory of thinking. I'm not much for BS and this just calls it like it is. Thanks for whoever mentioned this. I've printed out the Crash Course and will peruse it later but I'm telling you, THIS IS GOSPEL for me.

Hi, Overit

One thing about RR is that he encourages you not to participate in recovery groups of any kind (in fact, he insists). In a perfect world, I think that could work. I am very comfortable in my AF life, have no desire to drink, don't think I'm missing out on anything, etc. etc. but I am reluctant to simply walk away from my network of support for a couple reasons.

1. I think it would be very easy to convince myself I'm fine and oh so casually decide to have a glass of wine sometime. I'm like Turn, I see no reason to consume a toxic substance and so don't think I would do this but I can imagine a social occasion with a lot of pressure where it might seem easier and relatively harmless to have one glass. Or --- a really bad day where it seems like "just one" would be just the thing. Staying in touch here makes me clearly remember why I stopped drinking and how hard it is to give up again.

2. My life is reasonably happy and easy right now but as we've so sadly seen here in the last couple days, the life we know can change in an instant and we can be faced with stresses we've not even let ourselves imagine. In that situation, I think it is important to have a support network in place - not one to just rush back to in the crisis. The RR philosophy that "once you decide you're done, you are" makes no allowance for human imperfections and the unexpected events that could lead us off track without others helping to keep us on.

To take the basic philosophy of RR and back it up with ongoing support seems like a winning combination to me.

It can work for you, too!

[Overit-still]

Hi, Overit

One thing about RR is that he encourages you not to participate in recovery groups of any kind (in fact, he insists). In a perfect world, I think that could work. I am very comfortable in my AF life, have no desire to drink, don't think I'm missing out on anything, etc. etc. but I am reluctant to simply walk away from my network of support for a couple reasons.

1. I think it would be very easy to convince myself I'm fine and oh so casually decide to have a glass of wine sometime. I'm like Turn, I see no reason to consume a toxic substance and so don't think I would do this but I can imagine a social occasion with a lot of pressure where it might seem easier and relatively harmless to have one glass. Or --- a really bad day where it seems like "just one" would be just the thing. Staying in touch here makes me clearly remember why I stopped drinking and how hard it is to give up again.

2. My life is reasonably happy and easy right now but as we've so sadly seen here in the last couple days, the life we know can change in an instant and we can be faced with stresses we've not even let ourselves imagine. In that situation, I think it is important to have a support network in place - not one to just rush back to in the crisis. The RR philosophy that "once you decide you're done, you are" makes no allowance for human imperfections and the unexpected events that could lead us off track without others helping to keep us on.

To take the basic philosophy of RR and back it up with ongoing support seems like a winning combination to me.

It can work for you, too!

NS I totally agree with you. I look forward to and clearly need this group. But, it reaffirms my thoughts on AA FOR ME! Also, in just skimming over it I really just like the thought of accept it, get over it, and move along! The whole thought of "just for today" is gut wrenching! It means every day I will repeat that same thought that I'm giving up something, I'm sacrificing just trying to make it through THIS DAY. I don't want to just make it through, I want to live life to its fullest and I can't by hiding in my house away from everyone, rotting away and getting fat and wasting what short precious time we have here on this earth.

[Turnagain]

I took a look at the RR stuff, too, early on and I will say it was helpful to me in terms of reminding me I actually had a 'choice.' For what it's worth, I choose NOT to 'demonize' my brain processes. There is no beast there. Just a battered limbic system that was hijacked by flooding it with a ubiquitously available highly-damaging supernormal substance of proven toxicity.

Moreover, I did not become an addicted drinker because of a disease or a flaw in my character or personality or my spirit. I didn't inherit some sort of predestined genes of doom.

Alcohol - and what it does to the brain - is what causes addiction. It's that simple. And it's THAT knowledge that became the starting point in breaking free of addiction. Forever.

[okoren1]

Rational Recovery (and Jack Trimpey) are the real deal.

Much of what is mentioned in RR are concepts that are frequently mentioned, through the myriad of posts on these pages. RR just seems to get to the bottom line, very fast.

He does advocate various kinds of support, including groups. They are available on his website.

What I think he is referring to when he ostensibly dis-avows support groups, are any that do not adhere to the strict "never-again" attitude. Those who have successfully beat AL use on this forum, essentially are in the RR camp. They have made the decision to quit forever. I totally agree with NS on this point. We are all human after all, and what brings us back here, daily in many cases, is the opportunity to rub shoulders with other like-minded souls who have reached that same decision. Reinforcement helps.

[NoSugar]

' For what it's worth, I choose NOT to 'demonize' my brain processes. There is no beast there. Just a battered limbic system that was hijacked by flooding it with a ubiquitously available supernormal substance of proven toxicity.

I LOVE that idea, Turn! We've got to love ourselves and do all we can to heal the parts that have been shattered. xx, NS

[NoSugar]

He does advocate various kinds of support, including groups. They are available on his website.
.

Thanks for the information, OK. I have not seen that part of the website and was dismayed by several instances where he dismissed support groups as institutions to keep a person "sick" and wrote a scathing diatribe about AA. I'm glad he doesn't oppose all sources of support. I love his basic philosophy and it was central to my quitting for once and for all.

[Pavati]

Hi, Everyone:

Turn - what a beautiful post. I had that same sense of RELIEF when I finally decided to stop the madness and never drink again. A giant weight off my shoulders. I have put in the hard yards to commit to that, and it has paid off in the countless ways my life is better without alcohol.

Deciding every day is too much, but taking it one day at a time makes sense to me now. The first thing I worried about when I quit was a vacation with friends EIGHT MONTHS AWAY. I realized what one day at a time meant then - no use in worrying about THAT day, let me live today. Some might call it living in the present. It is not that each day I struggle, or each day I decide whether to drink or not, or making a painful decision. It is just that for today, I choose to live my life positive, happy and moving forward, and I know that is impossible with alcohol. I never have to say forever, and yet quitting drinking forever was key to my success. That's the paradox. I know it sounds like BS because it did to me, but shifting the frame from deprivation to gratitude has made all the difference.

I sort of disagree with NS about the "30 day trial." (WHAT??? I disagree with my guru???) If I gave myself trial periods of sobriety, it was easy to do. I was always counting the days and I used those times as part of my strong system of denial - if I could so easily go X number of days without alcohol, I must not have a problem. I marked the 30 day milestone, but it was just that, a milestone I passed in the long, long trip. I had to be firm in my knowledge that I had quit drinking.

Ok, folks. Off to an appt. and then some exercise. Happy Hump Day.

Pav

[NoSugar]

Civilized disagreements can lead to good discussions, Pav :smile:!

I think the 30 day commitment is a way to detox your brain enough that you can make a clear-headed decision (I had never made it that long on my own). Many people are not ready on day 1 to commit to a lifetime of sobriety so if that looks like the only option available, then drinking it is... I didn't see 30 days as an endpoint but as a time I would reassess what I was doing.

I did a lot of healing over that time period and was able to look rationally at the situation I was in, clearly see the solution, and implement it. I wasn't at all rational about this when I first joined.

Does that make more sense??