Newbies Nest

[Resolve]

Great posts all around today. I believe everyone here arrives with intellectual awareness that they need to stop drinking, but forever sure seems like a long time. To say that getting to the point of accepting our final quit, and making that contract with ourselves, is tough would be an understatement. Everyone here knows they have a problem with alcohol, but even years of that knowledge in most cases isn't enough to necessarily approach a quit as the last without some uncertainty and fingers crossed. We all want our quit to be the last, but determination and will may not be enough if that firm decision and acceptance don't take hold, whether at the beginning or along the way.

I approached this quit with complete commitment and acceptance from the start; however, it was relapse circumstance driven so I've always felt I didn't do it on my terms, more like grasping onto it with complete conviction because I had failed miserably. It felt more like I had no choice rather than making the choice but know that is a circular point. I got the memo, and I appreciate the importance of getting it regardless of how it was delivered. I think however you get to the point of making that commitment to yourself and others it still seems grandiose to proclaim it your final quit, and that's where the day by day aspect helps with strengthening the decision. It is daily management and daily maintenance to keep our quits, and it helps to feel results and have experiences that show you can do this. I bought into RR, just didn't know it was called that at the time, and know that has made my footing more certain and steadfast. I read once that someone said part of how and why they stay sober is because it's too much work otherwise. I get that because it felt like a burden lifted when I said enough this time, and I don't question it.

Hanna - I had that same type of dream about 3 weeks ago. I can't say I've had too many drinking dreams, but that one stuck with me because the thought that bothered me most was how'd I deal with it on roll call! I want this to matter when I'm unconscious, so that completely reinforced why I started to post my days. Glad we woke up!

[ADP]

Thanks for the welcome........think this is going to be the first of many false starts.......but that was yesterday. Today, lets try again. I knew this was going to be tough but I have been heavily drinking for so long now that it seems almost arrogant of me to think I might be able to do this......BUT I MUST!
Thanks guys for the posts and hope of a brighter tomorrow.......stay strong!
ADP.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Wow, what a day in the nest - great posts all around!

NS, I understand your explanation because I pretty much did the same thing in the beginning. I knew I should quit entirely but I wasn't ready to commit to abstinence. I thought, let me try 30 days, see how I do & how I feel. Before that 30 day period was up I was absolutely & totally convinced that I did indeed need to remain abstinent! I knew that I did not have another quit in me to be honest. Whatever way we come to the decision is just fine & it does need to be a most personal decision. It has to be one that we can live with forever & ever.

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[Hanna]

Hi guys -
Just to add to the discussion...as a newbie, I have to say that this is the first time I really want to be a non-drinker - for life! However, forever seems so daunting, and breaking it into small chunks is easier to accept. For example, right now, knowing I am approaching the 30 day mark is really helping me stay motivated daily, but I was thinking about this earlier today...I don't see this as a destination as much as a benchmark. I expect that, when I I get there, I am going to get excited to make 60 days...the next goal. I hope, and expect, as time goes on I won't need to do this, and will just consider myself a non-drinker ( while keeping up the support and connection here so I don't forget where I came from) but for right now, these counting of chunks of time is very helpful to me.

On another note, I was checking out some of the other threads, but after doing so, think I belong here and only here. Don't know if it is just me, but a lot of the other threads seemed more chatty then supportive of sobriety, and I fear hanging out there would feel like I am just kinda hanging out with drinking buddies. Maybe because that waa my experience when I was here years ago. Not sure.

Either case, the nest is my home. Thanks homies lol

[frances]

Hi all! Just reading and thought I'd chime in with my experience with the 30 day trial - As NS said, I think the mindset going into it is VERY important. I always did see it as an endpoint. And that was a big problem. Any time I quit before it was for x days (30, 45, etc) but then I would 'alllow' myself to drink again with the goal of moderating. the problem was, each and every time, I went right back to drinking on a regular basis, but trying to cut back to less days a week and less quantity. But because it was there again on a regular basis, for me, it was so very easy to slip right back into the old habits that had brought me here in the first place. 30 days as a milestone or benchmark, yes, and it is definitely something great to look forward to accomplishing! But I would recommend not thinking of it as an endpoint because then you are really setting yourself up to go right back to drinking and you know where that leads...to nowhere good! We're here for a reason, we cannot control our drinking, and we no longer have 'our own voice' ...someone (samstone?) put it that way recently and I really liked that. I had lost my own voice. The bastard AL was screaming so loud my own voice was nowhere to be found. Now I have it back!

[jane27]

Moderation for me was a chair rigged to collapse once I sat down on it. Every time. I had to come crashing down on the floor a gazillion times before I really put two and two together; essentially that one sip = disaster. Every single time. I thought that somehow I was getting away with it, because I could appear normal and function well enough to blend in. A little bit at a time all color faded until all the colors became shades of gray. But then they started to fade too.

[Orimus]

Love the acronym g/s/r. Bit like gun shot residue. Was feeling good today but in the end .... What a dichotomy - wanting people to rely on me but also wanting them to stop asking me questions. Most times it's just no initiative. Tomorrow actually get back to the dojang (dojo) and looking forward to the monastery on the 13th. Been trying to remember mindful breathing once an hour, at traffic lights and before I answer the phone. Feel calmer but in the end I still come home alone to a little studio. Finding at 40 that undermines all my reason. Nevertheless I'll go to bed tonight thinking tomorrow will be a great day. Somehow, someway.

[Orimus]

Finally getting back to the dojang because my foot isn't screaming bloody murder. Been two weeks. Just haven't been around.

[Orimus]

Was going to make this comment on roll call but figured this was more the place.
Love being busy at work. Just didn't realize that the busier I get the more I forget about really living.

(Listening to Staind - It's Been Awhile.)

[LavenderBlue]

Busy in the Nest today, wow! I got going late today - my sinuses aren't much liking the weather lately and have decided to gift me with headaches. Blarg. But I made stir fry for the first time ever tonight - and it even came out well! That's definitely not something I could have done this time last year, even if I wanted to.

I've also got someone else in the house who still drinks. It's a long story, but I initially moved back to my hometown because my mother was diagnosed with MS. It's certainly harder for me than it would be otherwise - I'm aware that there's liquor in the house, after all. But I'm also lucky in that even though she doesn't really "get" it, my dad was an alcoholic so she at least tries not to make it worse for me. It'd be so hard with some of the guys I used to date, if they were still drinking and hoping I'd join in. Much love and support to everyone dealing with it.

On the one day at a time thing; I think the way that's helped me most was one of the books I read during my first couple weeks. Of course I forget which one, now. But the author was talking about how she'd really want a drink for Christmas...and then tell herself "I'm going to try it sober this time, I can always drink next time if I decide I want to." It might not work for everyone, but telling myself "I want to do this sober for now, I can always change my mind next time" takes the immediate pressure off even though I PLAN for never. I think it stops me from arguing with myself by giving my AL brain the illusion that I can deal with it later so long as I don't drink now? And of course, then I end up really glad I stayed sober so it reinforces me that way. No idea if that would be helpful for others, though; I could see it going the other way depending how your head works.

I love all the talk about what thinking we all needed to get into to quit and make the quit stick! I think I could go back and try to explain, but so much of it for me at the start was because I was drowning. I hadn't hit rock bottom in the same way as other folks, but I felt like there was *nothing* I could do to make *anything* better. So I was willing to entertain the idea of something drastic like "Let's try being completely sober." I don't even know if I really thought I could do it; I just couldn't think of anything else and knew *something* had to change *now*. Rational thought and reasons to stay quit came later, at the time I was just grasping and hoping desperately that this, at least, would make some kind of a change in my life. I fell into some amazing folks here who swore to me that it really would change things. And it did, so there's that at least.

Overit - Yes, the reward thing is so tempting sometimes! It's one of the reasons I want to get better at rewarding myself in other ways, so I've got something planned instead of letting those "I've been so good I deserve a drink" thoughts butt their way in.

Enzo - It's rotten days like that that are hard for me sometimes, too. I keep telling myself, "Well if you have one now, what's to stop you next week when you have a bad day? And then maybe two days the week after that? And how long until everytime anything annoys you.....?" It's another one where I'm working on other ways to feel sorry for myself, even though that sounds weird. I ordered a monster huge cookie from the pizza place last time, actually. Anyway, good for you finding a way to get past it!

ADP - Welcome to the Nest; this is a wonderful place to be, especially starting out! The old timers here give awesome advice. And good for you deciding you want to be done with it.

Pav and Lav - It's not just me gluing myself to my house then! Granted it's winter and I don't feel like going anywhere anyway, but there were quite a few things I passed up because they sounded too hard for me to do the last few months. I think I'm glad I waited; this spring I can start getting out to do things at my own pace.

HBE - I don't want to tell you what to do, but I know that for me I had to commit to not buying any AL to make this work. It's hard for me since running errands is part of what I *do* for my mom, but I had to make a solid rule that she's got to pick up her own. It's easier for me to say that of course, since she at least supports what I'm doing. Sending support and hope things get better.

Turnagain - That was a beautiful post, thank you so much for sharing it!

banana - Good going on day 3, and making it past the temptation at the store!

Ok, time to shower wayyyyyyy later than I ought to and try to get some sleep! Take care all, hoping for good nights and days your way!

[daisy45]

Hi.... I am day 1 again....read through the roll call to where I could have been. The time is now....still so much going on in my life....the decision-making has been pulling me apart. So many people depending on me....it is really getting too much.
I have 2 situations going on....anorexic niece and depressed cousin and kids......and trying to build my own life back again.....feeling totally overloaded.....
Have spoken to so many people over this past week ........rang my friend last night.....she was the only one that recognised what I needed....to take care of getting sober....she is calling me today to go for a walk to talk things through.....

[KENSHO]

Hi Everyone! I've been working my tail off, and so less time to read and post. I did want to share something though. Yesterday my mom texted me to ask what I order at restaurants when I go out. She had shoulder surgery and is on pain medication that won't allow alcohol in addition. This is significant to me because, while it was a BIG deal to me for awhile to NOT order wine or any other alcoholic drink when out with family, it was obviously not so for others around me. She payed no attention to what I was doing, she just ordered her wine and moved on. Good thought for those who are struggling with the concern about "what others think". I know it may not be the same for everyone, but my own mom didn't pay any attention to what I was drinking.

Take care everyone. Nice to see you back and posting LavB!

[Turnagain]

Daisy...it's a relief to have you back. I'm sorry you have so much to deal with so much at one time. You did a good thing to get in touch with your friend and you have recognized that you need to keep alcohol out of your life - more so now than ever.

We're here to help in any way we can....

[available]

Good to see you back Daisy, if you dont look after your own needs and keep yourself healthy then you cant support others to your full potential. I know when i drank, i promised the world only to deliver what I thought would suffice. Now i can give it my all and know that i have done all i can, even if i have to walk away, i have done all i could.

Interesting convo today on the nest. When i stopped drinking, i had had a few stops and starts and my daughters wedding where i just HAD to drink and her hens night where i HAD to drink, a massive fight with my mother and i had had enough. Totally and utterly enough. I was becoming unwell due to drinking, i was looking like a worn out crack whore (sons words) and i was tired. I didnt want to stop drinking but i knew i just couldnt keep going the way i was. My lovely NS suggested i pick a date and i did and i am eternally grateful for her and her wisdom. I figured i would not drink until my 50th which was 4 months after I quit and have just a COUPLE to have fun and celebrate. I couldnt accept forever. God forbid i never drink! But i got to my 50th and i didnt want to lose what i had gained. I didnt want to lose the waking up without a hangover, i didnt want to lose the appreciation I had for the little things in life so i chose not to drink and i have kept going and going. Its not been easy but nothing in life is that is worthwhile.

I took on board taking life day by day and not drinking, i left the option ajar just in case but each day i knew i didnt want to drink, i didnt want to go back to day 1 again, i could not let the people who had helped me along this journey down. I became accountable to others, something which i never was when i drank.

[enzo'smom]

Love this discussion. Like AA, rational recovery, women for sobriety and some others that I can't remember the names of……MWO helps people get and stay sober because of its group consciousness.
Although it is called MY Way Out, it really should be called OUR way out.
All of these groups offer recipes for sobriety. But we are all different. What works for one person may not work for another. The beauty of these groups is that they offer the whole recipe and you can pick and chose the ingredients that you think will work for you. I have tried all sorts of different ingredients and one thing I know for sure, my recipe is completely and totally unique for me. I would not have been able to make this recipe without the help of all of you…..and part of that recipe is daily support which I get in several shapes and forms
the good news is that after many trials and errors, I think I have a good recipe now. Part of that recipe is AA and part of it is MWO and part of it can only come from me.
the not so good news is it has taken me a long time to get to this point. THere is no guaranteed recipe that everyone can follow….you have to come up with your own. That, in my opinion, is the hard part.:love: