Newbies Nest

[Overit-still]

My definition of flounce is a little bit different than the dictionary. It must be the bag definition. Of course it is an "exaggerated action, typically intended to express one's high and lofty attitude, a swinging of the what the good Lord gave me, and flipping of the fiery red hair as I stride away on my high horse giving AL the bird."

[LavenderBlue]

Ag, I always miss things when I've had to be offline for awhile! First off, Byrd super congrats on 1500 Days; that's awesome! You're so encouraging to everyone else and spend so much time being so supportive - and you're GOOD at it which is even better, hehe. I love that you write so honestly about your own struggles and am thankful for you being here. I'll raise my coffee to thousands more sober days in your future. ^^

Going to be a short post this morning (edit: well, that didn't happen); my dog sneakily encouraged me to sleep after my alarm went off so I'm running later than I'd like. It's a weekend, but I did still want to get some things done. I spent too much of the last week a little glued to the computer; I know it's partly because it's been cold and miserable but I'll feel better if I move more.

I had the weirdest "wow" moment yesterday, though; and forgive for rambling a bit. Facebook informed me I'd added a friend of mine two years ago as of this month. It's great in that I'm glad we hit it off so well and are still friends, he's been great support plus he doesn't drink so that's been awesome. But less great in that it's the guy that I started off wanting to date 'til he told me he was really only looking for friends in his life right now. I "got" that, but would often find myself falling into treating him as if we were dating in terms of how much time I spend with him or dropping other things if he was free, that sort of thing. Actually more than with guys I actually DO date since it's usually important to me not to get super dependent. Not trying to get him to change his mind, just my brain was putting him in that category on my side, if that makes any sense? While I was drinking I wasn't exactly looking at things in a smart way to begin with, and I was also a lot more clingy than I am sober just in general. Pus anytime I tried to step back my drinking brain turned it into this huge dramatic "I'm going to lose my friend forever!!!!!!!" thing. Not that I noticed that at the time. When I quit I kinda shrugged and figured I'd sort it "some day." But wow. That's 2 years letting myself put more into someone than I want to or than they want me to. No drunk emails at him this time around, but I think it's way time to actually step away a bit for real this time. It's hard because after 2 years I'm in such a habit of always being there, but I'm thinking if I can break my drinking habits I can stop other things that aren't good for me. And I don't feel such a need to hide from other people now that I'm not trying to hide my drinking. It feels weird to think about - we're that "couple" that everyone else always thinks we're dating and I'm still struggling with a little bit of guilt since I feel like it's mean of me to back off. But sober it doesn't feel so much like the end of the world and it's also easier to see that I'm not being mean - I'm just trying to do what we both wanted from the beginning and have an actual healthy friendship. I'm also seeing that some of my panic thoughts about the whole thing started when I was drinking - if I take them out and really look at them, I can see where it's not nearly as big a deal as I made myself think. So still scary and kind of uncomfortable and sad, but not so much panic inducing. I had this thought earlier in my recovery but I wasn't really ready to rock my own personal boat that much; I think I can make some actual progress now. And if drinking taught me anything, it's that "I'll deal with that another day, I don't want to think about it" isn't a great way to make changes in my life.

Unrelated I so want Spring NOW!!! I'm in the Midwest and we've still got a couple/few weeks of cold weather. The light is already changing, though, so my brain is craving warm weather even more. I'm trying to use that energy to get a jump on spring cleaning. I may not be able to get out as much as I'd like but maybe I can at least get things done.

Fin - Good to see you and so glad you came in here when you were panicked! I remember you from when I was around more, it makes me so happy to see you succeeding.

ADP - YAY YOU on a full day! \o/ Those first ones are so hard, especially the very first one, I'm so glad you did it! I know when I hit my first day I almost didn't even know what to think; it had been so long and had seemed so impossible. Sticking close here and reading helped me sooooo much, I'm glad it helped you as well.

Hanna - So glad you came back to try again; NoSugar has the right idea (IMHO) to look at what went wrong so you can plan not to have that happen again. It's hard; I know the times I tried to quit before I came here I was leaving myself ways to fail. It's like my AL brain was so good at lying to me and I was so good at listening that leaving loopholes open seemed like it made perfect sense. I didn't manage to really quit until I stomped out my loopholes and focused completely on my quit. The old timers probably have better advice though. We're rooting for you!

[Overit-still]

Hanna - So glad you came back to try again; NoSugar has the right idea (IMHO) to look at what went wrong so you can plan not to have that happen again. It's hard; I know the times I tried to quit before I came here I was leaving myself ways to fail. It's like my AL brain was so good at lying to me and I was so good at listening that leaving loopholes open seemed like it made perfect sense. I didn't manage to really quit until I stomped out my loopholes and focused completely on my quit. The old timers probably have better advice though. We're rooting for you!

Leaving loopholes and lying brains.....boy howdy. I thought about this this AM as I was taking my vitamins and my "little white angel." Just last weekend I took my vitamins in the AM but told myself I would wait to take that days 1/2 antabuse until later, when the cravings crept up. Then of course as the day goes on my AV starts talking to me and telling me that, well, maybe, since I haven't taken the pill today, I might enjoy JUST ONE MORE night of relaxation and have a few cocktails. Since I left my pill at home, I can't just grab it and swallow fast before my AL brain figures out what I've done, so I might as well stop by the liquor store on the way home, just for a small bottle. Now, of course before the night is over, I've had at least one tantrum, I've gone to another liquor store for another bottle, I pass out not remembering the evening, wake up in the middle of the night for hours, drink some more to make myself sleepy, wake the next morning hung over, shaking, feeling like crap from everything and no sleep. I can't work out because I'm hung over, I have commitments to fulfill, I want to lay on the couch all day and pretend I'm sick so everyone will leave me alone. Usually, half way through the day, after some napping, I start to feel a little more like myself so treat myself to an afternoon of drinking to ward off the dog, and repeat the night before. But this time, I have to wake up feeling like that and ITS MONDAY MORNING! Now what?...................ugh, just the thought of all of that makes me physically sick to my stomach. What a mad mad mad circle I was living in.

But guess what? No more! I just don't do that anymore

[Londoner]

Just checking in - coming up to 5 weeks off the sauce now.

It's at this point that I normally start to relax and justify 'just that one beer'.

Not today. I stayed strong. I see this like a vaccine - a brief stimulus in a drinking environment to let the brain know that I can do things without AL.

We need to stay mindful through this entire journey. But the toxicity of AL to my mind, personality, actions is really becoming apparent now. My perceived normal is so, so different from what other people's normal is.

Recovery this time around is slower. I'm still eating a lot of sugary foods and spending time on the internet to cover up the reality of now, and I had a big down phase today in terms of mood.

It's going to be tough. AL has been used to cover up something. And it's time to face that something....

[available]

Mstall, i am like you, work and have co-workers as friends and 4 children and i much prefer to enjoy my childrens company 99% of the time. I figure that i work so much during the week that the only people i want to spend my time with on weekends are my kids. Thank god i bought them up to be nice people that i truly want to hang with. I will always remember when i was a newbie and hated my "dragon lady" of a mother and Lav told me to appreciate her while i could as she wont be around forever and i did eventually listen and i do have a good relationship with her now just like my children.

Hanna sorry you drank but you too made the choice to drink. I always wonder was it as good as you thought when you had that drink?

Fin i hope you are okay, keep checking in daily.

NS i know that heroin/ice/crack and al are just as addictive as each other. My son is 2 years crack free in March and i lived first hand what he went through while he was withdrawing and getting support to recover. I was still drinking and hoping that he would not tell his counsellor what i drank in case i was found out! Its funny but people congratulate him no end when he says he is a recovering crack addict but when i mention i am a recovering alcoholic they look at me like i have the plague and no control over my life. Its the same story at the end of the day and we both are having happy endings although we both could have ended up dead. He still has his plan in place just like myself. We are never really free of our addictions, we just learn to live without them.

[Overit-still]

Just checking in - coming up to 5 weeks off the sauce now.

It's at this point that I normally start to relax and justify 'just that one beer'.

Not today. I stayed strong. I see this like a vaccine - a brief stimulus in a drinking environment to let the brain know that I can do things without AL.

We need to stay mindful through this entire journey. But the toxicity of AL to my mind, personality, actions is really becoming apparent now. My perceived normal is so, so different from what other people's normal is.

Recovery this time around is slower. I'm still eating a lot of sugary foods and spending time on the internet to cover up the reality of now, and I had a big down phase today in terms of mood.

It's going to be tough. AL has been used to cover up something. And it's time to face that something....

Londoner, you sound healthy. Please stay at this. I'm on your heels and NEVER want to catch you. Keep it up!

[Healthybutempty]

Hello, hope everyone is having a great day.

[Londoner]

Londoner, you sound healthy. Please stay at this. I'm on your heels and NEVER want to catch you. Keep it up!

Thanks - I want you to keep the same gap between you and myself too

I'm definitely not feeling great - I know without AL or any narcotics, I have to face myself. I have to face my emotions face on.

And sugar and internet is only being used as another cover.

[LavenderBlue]

Blerg; just venting quick. We've started stir frying so my mom wanted to pick up rice wine for marinades. The recipes we have call for cooking wine, and I thought I'd be ok using that in small quantities since I'd read that it's salted. I was willing to try for hers at least. She couldn't find any and picked up sake instead. >.< I can't seem to explain to her that not only am I pretty sure those are two different things as far as flavor, but that I'm a lot *less* ok with trying to cook with something that IS drinkable.

Actually - what do the old timers say about cooking wine, for that matter? On my own I'd sub in something else just to avoid the issue entirely but I think mom really wants to try it "the right way." Am I overreacting here? We never really cooked with wine before so I never really thought about it and I can't tell if I'm being safe and protecting my quit or just panicking and being a pain in the rear. :/

[Overit-still]

London-does it matter what we are doing right now to divert our minds? I think anything is ok, well, no more destructive behavior anyway.

[abcowboy]

LavBlue, nothing wrong with protecting your quit! They say when you cook with wine, you "reduce" the alcohol right out of it, not sure if that's reliable info though. I would still worry about the taste, that's why I even stay away from NA beverages!

[banana44]

Hi everyone...checking in on day 6. Had a super busy day at work today, run off my feet. I had a birthday card I wanted to put in the mail on my way home, and the nearest mailbox is outside of Walgreens. My plan was to pull up next to it, idle, and hop out to drop the card in the box. Funny thing is, I pulled into a parking spot on automatic pilot and turned the car off. I got out and had a literally 5 second argument about going into the store with myself, but managed not to. Just mailed the card and turned right back around. I think it's funny (in a sad way) that I can't go there without parking automatically; it's the closest place to my house that sells so I hit it all the time.

I too hope to hear from Fin.

Londoner I know what you mean about finding a cover for our emotions. Internet is definitely one of mine, or even healthy things like reading that ultimately are distractions. I've been trying to pick up my meditation practice again, it's one way I kind of 'force' myself to sit there with my feelings without constantly trying to distract myself. The first time I meditated after my last binge I ended up in tears, LOTS of emotions coming to the surface. But they do need to be dealt with. It's difficult.

Happy Saturday everyone! Hope you are staying warm & sober,
Banana

[MossRose]

Hi Nesters. Just dropping in to say hi. Life has been a bit chaotic lately, so I've been quiet. But I'm still here, and I've been reading. Hope everyone is doing well.

[KENSHO]

Fun, I hope you are ok. I always judge my roll call days as 6 behind you... Need you there!

Heading to dinner with family. I've started treating these events by focusing on how much fun I can have... With conversation and laughter. AL never has been the cause for this, I have. Check in more later...

[Hanna]

Hi all

So... As I shared, I drank last night. So, where do I start. I am quite sure last night was not the issue. I had plans with my husband to meet another couple for dinner followed by seeing jerry Seinfeld. No one was drinking. I drank secretively before the show. I am quite sure, my thoughts did this...

Dealing with the daily struggle during the witching hour..annoying but ok. Thursday evening, left work, somewhat frazzled by setting off the alarm...then my tire blow out. Should have been nothing more than annoying, but stuck from 5:30 to 7:15 was tough. I was hungry...major trigger, and thought I wanted to drink. Of course, stuck ok the road, couldn't do either. Finally got home, and did not drink, and didn't eat much either...too stressed out. BUT, next day, basically had a temper tantrum... " damn, this sucks...I have been trying so hard, last night sucked...bleh, bleh"

Sounds so dumb. I have clearly had much more significant stressors,as we all have...major surgeries, death of loved ones, etc. but this one, hitting at the hour it did, and me powerless to do what I needed, ie. eat dinner, threw me over the edge.so...guess I gotta start over again?..

I hate this.... Anyway night all