Newbies Nest

[Samstone]

Hi nesters

Well, I guess I am back. Feeling very dark today. I actually took antabuse this morning, because I simply can't trust myself. My son is home from college for one week for his spring break, and caught me with alcohol last night. To think that I recently almost had a month sober, and managed to screw it up now that he is home. Makes me sick. I think what I am finding most difficult is the fact that whether or not I am drinking, I still have to struggle with this. That is painful. I am hoping that a couple of days away from al with the antabuse will help me get my head back to a better place so I can move ahead with the positivity I felt before. But I honestly don't know. It just seems like as hard as I try, I cannot seem to combat this awful thing.

Sorry to be such a downer, but it is what it is. I wish I could just close my eyes and it would all go away, but of course that is a childhood fantasy. I hate the fact that this issue makes me a disappointment to others, when all I really want is to not do this. It just seems so unfair. What other illness do we as a society blame the ill? I am not making excuses here for drinking, but the truth is, I am, and have been, trying so hard for so long. Encouragement does not come for the efforts, or even the successes, nearly as much as anger and disappointment for the failures. Not just from others but toward ourselves. Well, hopefully my next posts will be lighter than this one.

Hanna
sounds like conflicted voices rambling around, one part wanting your sobriety and the other wanting you drink and making you believe you can't win, just throw in the towel, what the hell, this is who you are, remember all the good times ... blah blah blah....

It is not a game of will power. Frankly, it is not a game. This is the real deal, whether you want to stop or not. Once you've decided that you are not drinking, then you can tell that voice to screw itself. It is only when you make the choice that you can really tell that voice to take a hike. The guilt and all that baggage will disappear because it has no reason to exist. It has been said here many times that no one wakes up with any regrets being sober, unlike the alternative.
best to you
Sam

[Dutch1988]

Well I made it through a very uneventful evening. I took someone's advice in here, think it was Byrdlady, and did some chores I had been procrastinating on. Last night I cleaned my garage, which if I was drinking, would never happen. Surprising how much crap I have accumulated even though I moved here just a few months ago. think I'm good to go back to work today, so that's good. At least that will keep me busy, plus I have a late meeting that goes till ten, then I'll come home for an hour and head to the gym. figure I'll just do what I can that doesn't hurt my back.

Anyone else feel like your first week was actually easier because of the enthusiasm it brought? I feel like I was so w/e about my other problems trying to stay sober the first week that now I'm realizing all my other problems are still there.

Overit-I think you are dead on, injuries can really be eye opening, didn't realize how easy it was for me to get down, I'll just have to stay busy and keep telling myself this is temporary. I'm already feeling mix better today, just can't lift my legs straight haha.

[available]

Hanna hearing stories like yours makes me more determined not to drink. Why do we do this to ourselves when we felt so damn good not drinking? As Sam said it is our choice to not drink and to pull every bit of grit and determination we have to say no to al. That is so hard, been there and done that but its not forever. For today I will not drink was and still is my motto. Alcohol in the house, that is like a crack addict having a stash in his drawer. Temptation for an addict is a definite NO.

Dutch all our problems are still with us daily, its how we deal with them that matters. I know i prefer to deal with them sober and have a clear head than be irrational and drink myself into oblivion. Be gentle on yourself, you are in your early days of quitting. Nothing else matters except protecting your af life. Who cares if you gain a few kilos or put your exercise on hold for any amount of time, you will be able to carry on later. Look after you Dutch and the rest will fall into place.

[banana44]

Well, here I am, would be on day 9 today, but last night I bought a bottle of red on the way home from work. I split it with my husband. No drama, not even enough to get me tipsy really, just made me sleepy. No idea why I caved in, I just did. Disappointed in myself. Not drinking tonight, going to yoga instead. I'm with you Hannah, sometimes this all seems to be just too much for me and I get tired of struggling. Oh well. It is what it is. Hope everyone else is doing ok!
Banana

[Overit-still]

Banana44-well, on the one had good for you for no drama and only 1/2 bottle. On the other hand, what a lousy way to lose a quit! I mean, I would be so disappointed that I didn't even get a buzz! I guess you drink for other outcomes than I did because my whole point was to get sauced, each and every time. If I'm going to lose my quit, trust me, I'm going to regret it for more than one reason.

[mywayin]

Hanna, Do not give up and do what ever it takes! Do it for yourself and do it for your son. You won’t be sorry.

Dutch, I don’t quite remember the phases but what I do know is that after 2 months without drinking I feel so much better. The problems are still there but I’m dealing with them and getting on top of things and am beginning to enjoy the real improvements I’ve made in my life and the process. Hang in there and you will see a big difference.

Banana, get right back on your horse…

[A new page]

I don't drink!

So got invited to a boring "few drinks" after work tonight....I didn't want to go for many reasons...
One could be we had an ice storm today, or that we all have head colds.....but what came out of my mouth....

"No thanks, I don't drink!", came right out, without hesitation! And no one acted surprised or shocked.....
Well that sure was easy! :sohappy:

[Lizann]

So got invited to a boring "few drinks" after work tonight....I didn't want to go for many reasons...
One could be we had an ice storm today, or that we all have head colds.....but what came out of my mouth....

"No thanks, I don't drink!", came right out, without hesitation! And no one acted surprised or shocked.....
Well that sure was easy! :sohappy:

Good for you!

[Byrdlady]

Hanna and Banana,
Im sorry you feel defeated. That's pretty much the way it is always going to be. AL is always going to win. I am of the mind that there are 2 types of people on our site: Those who struggle with AL and those that don't. The ones that dont struggle are the ones that dont drink. As long as AL finds its way back in, there is going to be that conflict...as long as CHOICE (as Samstone explained) is there, there will be struggle. Slam the door on AL and dont look back. This situation is never going to change, so we must change the variable!
Get right back up and it wont take but a couple days for you to get your legs back!
You can break free of this struggle, I promise, but it takes some time! Stick with it!!
Byrdie

[banana44]

Yes, I think you're right Byrdlady, about the two types of people. I wonder if I'll always be struggling, and that just makes me despair more.

[Byrdlady]

I thought I would be one of those too, Banana, but over time, EVEN I came around! NO struggle now...at all! You will get there if you give it some time!

[banana44]

I'm fine tonight; I went to yoga which always clears my head and leaves me feeling physically and mentally good. I have a big day at work tomorrow and don't want to eff anything up! I know I need to give my brain some time before it settles in to a permanent thing. I just need more tools in the meantime I guess.

[Hanna]

Well, so day is coming to a close and mood is significantly improved tonight...thank goodness, as I was pretty down. Glad I took the antabuse, as I truly did not think I would have success today otherwise. Don't want that to be my answer in the long run, as I know from experience that I don't gain a strong inner sense that I, myself can do this, an inevitably go off the med and cave.

I truly felt, that for the first time, I was ready to end this struggle. My head was really there...until it wasn't. That is why I am feeling so disappointed. But, I really have no choice but to keep on trying, do I?

Someone asked about how my son "caught" me. I can't remember who it was right now. I had a diet coke spiked with al in my work bag when I came home, and guess I did not have the lid on tightly, so it had seeped through the bag. He saw it dripping, picked up the bag, and could smell it was alcohol. Humiliating to say the least. Ugh

Well, guess that's all from me

[Overit-still]

Hanna-it was me that asked. And it's also me that is on Antabuse. My first quit here I took it and felt like it was a crutch, maybe I still do. But I don't care. Whatever takes AL out of the equation is what I'm going to do. For me, it just reinforces a habit. As long as I'm taking it, I have to find alternatives to the things that would trigger my drinking. Before too long, it all becomes a habit, a new of dealing with things. I was fairly successful the first time. In fact I quit taking my Antabuse after 2 months and kept one in my pocket for emergencies. Whenever I felt a little bit of doubt creep up on me or I found myself in a situation, I popped a pill. I might not have had one for a week but I would pop it real quick, before I knew what I was doing, and then just carry on my way. When did I lose it? Like every other time, it was a planned quit. I had planned It for a "celebration" and of course we all know the end to that story. Actually about 2 years worth of remorse, ending just over a week ago.

Take it for as long as you need. I've heard that it is damaging to your liver over time but less so than drinking. I know many people who have taken it for over a year at a time. Just do whatever you need to do RIGHT NOW!

With those GREAT words of wisdom, good night!

[KENSHO]

Evening. Feeling extra stressed at work now with too much to do. This is something I really need to figure out. This is the work part of recovery - and this is one of the hardest things for me to learn - how not to take too much on and how to make time to de-stress. It makes me want something to "relax" - but I know alcohol is not that thing because I would want more and more - and it would only cause me more stress. I think instead, I will sit after dinner a bit, and then make a list of what I can ACTUALLY accomplish (not what i WANT to accomplish). Then I will do a small amount and get a full night sleep. BAH! Feeling major stress!!