Newbies Nest

[Mr Vervill]

Happy St. Patty's Day nesters! A sober one for this Irish man. What a novelty.
Thanks sooo much for the support here, it means a lot.
Thinking of you Ava, you've got a lot on you now, but you're also so much stronger than a year ago. Sending good vibes to you, Robert and the dog.
Overit, wishing the best for you. Does hubby's apology change things, or prolong the agony? Hoping you can work it out.

[Overit-still]

Mr. V I hope it means he's willing to stick around and fight for us! Only time will tell. I was just happy to get that hug. He is the LOVE OF MY LIFE, the greatest man to walk this Earth (besides Jesus), my best friend, a man's man, handsome, loving, gentle and respectful, and he treats me like a woman, always has since day 1.

Having had this bump again just shows me how much work there is to do in my life. So, I'm not accepting the community position as I was asked to fill last week. In my learnings, you need to have your own house in order before you try to help others. We will never be perfect but I need to work on cleaning up my own messes first and that entails putting all my time and effort into saving my marriage first. My husband needs to be at the top of my priority list. I can still be a help without having an actual position or title.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Well, I survived a 5 hour stint with my grandsons ~ they are a tough crew, Ha ha!!!

Overit, sounds like things are changing quickly for you! Be happy & trust your instincts

NT, CONGRATS on your 7 AF days :welldone:
It's such a great feeling to get that first week done. Life will continue to improve, just stay on plan!

Ava, thinking of you, Robert, your doggie & know that you will be OK :hug:
You are one strong lady & you have our collective strength & support!

Greetings to everyone & sending wishes for a safe night in the nest for all!

Lav

[Hanna]

Good evening nesters--
Ughh. Advance warning...there is a need to just vent coming in this post.

OK. First things first. Another successful day without a drink. I met my friend today, the only person I actually would call a friend from my days many years ago on MWO. She still drinks, still hoping to moderate, but also, I think, worries that this may not be the answer for her. Anyway, she lives about 4 hours away and we have gotten together on occasion. She happened to be close by as her husband had work here, so we got together today. I had some trepidation, but knew getting together with her during the day was safe, in terms of my drinking, and it was. Because she understands the drinking issues, even though we are in different places, makes it wonderful to talk to her. However, I would be stupid to see her in the evening while trying to quit, as in some ways, she is the only "drinking buddy" I have in my life. Anyway, we got together today, and had a great time and wonderful conversations about drinking. She is on vacation and I told her that I would be fine if she chose to drink while with me (I knew I would as it was during the day). She did chose to have some wine mid-day, and I was actually fine with that. I had explained to her the importance of me having food to help me with craving, and how I have been learning to have a late afternoon snack. I did this, when we were at the mall at about 4pm. Then I brought her back to her hotel and did some things and drove home to meet my husband for dinner by about 7.

OK here comes the rant. He knows how hard I am trying. He knows how freaked out I am about how drinking is impacting our marriage. He knows how eating and drinking are both issues for me and intertwined. He knows how hard I am trying. SO...

We eat dinner, and about 9pm, I decide to make a snack, which involved and 80 calorie yogurt. He says something snarky...."what are you doing????". I say "I am making a snack"...he says..."You just ate dinner".

Keep in mind, I am 5 foot 4, and wear a freaking size zero. Keep in mind, all of the above I just told you.

I lost it

I said..."Jesus f.ing Christ (or something similar), who cares if I want to eat another dinner, or a whole freaking cow????"

Followed by..."You know how hard I am trying, you know how eating AND drinking are issues for me, and I am just doing my best to save myself, and maybe this marriage too"

He said something to defend himself, followed by the snarky..." I"M SORRY".

Ok. I gave you the heads up about the rant. Thank GOD it is 10 pm and I am in my PJ's.

This is SOOO hard.

By the way, I threw out the food. Feel like I should have thrown it on him (who, I forgot to say, was baking brownies during this).

Well, thanks for listening, reading, or at least I can pretend you might have. This is so tough.

Hope you all are ok.

With love

Beth

[Pavati]

Hi, All:

Overit - sorry for what you're going through with your husband. However, I get protective of my fellow nesters and when you say "it is all me," I don't buy it. Every relationship between two people has two people who are responsible for it. Whatever your troubles are, he had a part in it. You may not be able to see that right now, but if you blame all troubles on yourself, you put it all on yourself to "fix" things. In my experience, it will take both of you working to fix things. My husband and I went to couples therapy a while back - I was excited as I knew she would side with me and tell him exactly all of the things he had done wrong. Lo and behold, through the therapy I was able to identify what I had contributed to our problems. You can change and work on yourself, but he'll have to step up, too. My two cents.

Hanna - Sorry your husband made that comment - do you think it was a jab of defensiveness or fear? Or was he just being an asshole? Again - the only thing you can work on is your reaction to him. What if instead of getting mad you just said, "yes" and sat down to eat. You know you're in shape, and you know what you need to do to stay sober - if you let it roll off your back, you take back the power for yourself. I know, easier said than done... This is where I have applied the serenity prayer to my relationships - accepting what I can change (myself and my reactions), and also what I cannot (others' behaviors and perceptions).

Sorry if I went to solve instead of sympathy. You both have my sympathy, too. Relationships are HARD!

G - Excellent sentiments for our Ava, and I agree.

NT - Congratulations on a week - amazing milestone!

Sounding great, Dutch. I don't like alcohol breath, either. ew.

I'm off to do some work tonight. I can because I haven't been drinking. Thank goodness.

Happy Sober Tuesday!
Pav

[NoSugar]

Good MAE, Nest.

Hanna, I read your post last night but didn't answer b/c I had nothing helpful to say about your husband's comment (and a lot of nasty stuff!). I obviously don't know the dynamics of your marriage but I find it really offensive that he would be commenting on whether you have a snack. Avoiding hunger is a normal thing for anyone to do, and especially for us. I hope he isn't the reason you work to keep yourself so thin. Anyway, we all have to do this for ourselves, not for anyone else, so I hope you can do what you need to do regardless of the lack of support (or outright criticism) you receive. Just check in here when you need a reminder that you're doing the right thing :hug:.

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters & Happy Hump day!!

There's a chill in the air once again, not thrilled with that!! Oh well!

Overit & Hanna, I completely understand what you're going through, been there, honestly!
Taking ownership of your problems, taking the appropriate steps to 'fix' your problems is what we're all doing, right? I figured the least my husband could do was the same but NOOOOO, that wasn't going to happen.
Sometimes people just let their huge egos get in the way :egad: I found the best thing for me was just keep my focus on myself, continue on my self-improvement plan & hope he would follow suit. He did but it involved him leaving for 4 years - odd man for sure. Hang in there ladies & keep your focus on yourselves, do the best you can do :happy2:

Wishing everyone a wonderful AF Wednesday!

Lav

[Londoner]

Hey guys - I just wanted to check in with a quick update, seeing as I've now reached 50 days AF. This is approaching a record for me. At least since I started drinking a decade ago.

It has been rocky. With lots of self doubt and mood swings. I've questioned whether I could do it.

But, the difference this time has been keeping the higher purpose at the front of my mind. That higher purpose being me striving to be the best functioning version of me that I can.

There's lots of gremlins to be faced. That's why I drank after all. To take the easy way out and not face my perceived self inadequacies.

Good quality sleep, meditation, eating right, exercising consistently and stress reduction techniques have been the base of this transformation. And the biggest change I have noticed is getting rid of my car. I now have to be more organised with my time, and the benefits from walking at a leisurely pace for 60+ minutes each and every day is MASSIVE.

This is the first time I've ever looked ahead and seen a future without alcohol. It doesn't have the same pull on me at the moment. I've sat in pubs plenty of times with friends recently as they have drank AL, and I sip on my soda water.

I feel like I am growing into a MAN. I am facing challenges. I am starting to stand up for what I believe in. I am not just going with the flow - like a dead leaf in the wind. Sure, that means risking pain and suffering. But coming through that pain and suffering is what makes us who we are.

Giving up AL alone, for me anyway, is not the answer. It is but a piece of a large puzzle. It has needed a holistic approach, with an honest review of what is coming up up to get myself to where I am.

There is still a long way to go. But, I am not full of the self deprecation and bitterness that I was just 7 weeks ago.

There was some serious damage done to my body and mind from the amount of shit I was putting into my body. And the lack of recovery I was giving myself. I am just getting back to where I was a year ago after last stint AF. So, if this is me at neutral, I'm looking forward to how I am feeling at optimal. That's why AL is losing it's pull. I am excited at having the potential to GIVE more to others. It's not about me, it's about what I can offer others.

For the guys just starting out, check my messages in the past. See the wild swings in mood I have had. The lowest of the lows around August of last year and January of this year. Only time can heal. And we need to treat each second of each day as precious. We need to stay mindful of the bigger picture. AL can pull us back under at the click of a finger. It has that lure.

The first step is admitting the problem. The second is giving yourself the basic needs you need to start recovering your hormonal systems/ The third, is being realistic with the journey ahead - it is not plain sailing. It is lonely. It is a struggle. But the first feeling of the light at the end of the (very long) tunnel makes those hard times worth it.

Stay strong - this energy is only from 50 days of solid living. As a collective we have so much more to give, if we are kind to ourselves and others.

Londoner

[LilBit]

Morning All.

Lav, have you seen this Geico commercial? Stella is famous. :happy2:

Thank you for your post about focusing on yourself and keeping your self-improvement plan going while the hubby eventually gets his act together. It's Day 14 for me, and my live-in fiance continues to try to sabotage my AF lifestyle. Last night, he came home with a bottle of my favorite type of champagne and kept pushing, "Come on...just one glass..." When met with a resounding, "NO!" he said, "Just because you're trying to stop yourself from saying mean things when you've had too much to drink, that's no reason to stop entirely."

Turns out, he was trying to get me drunk so I'd have sex with him. And, when I sat down and thought about it (over a nice glass of Pellegrino water with lemon) I realized he's been doing that for quite some time.

Is there an "Anger Phase" to this process? If so, I think I'm in it.

I love him, but the more I wake up from this booze-induced haze of the last ?? years, the less I actually like him. Truth is, other than the drinking, we don't have a lot in common. And no, I don't blame him for my drinking. I was the one lifting the glass to my lips. It's just that I watch him get up in the morning and chug a beer, or pour liquor into his coffee or come in to kiss me goodnight with strong breath and it just repulses me. He senses it, and keeps clutching harder or trying to get me back into my former state (which 'aint happening!!!) I don't know where all this is heading, but it's not looking good.

[LilBit]

Great post and congrats on your 50 AF days, Londoner! :welldone: You really sound like you're on a great path and I wish you well on your journey.

[KENSHO]

Loved your post Londoner! To your points, this process requires us to face ourselves and learn other coping tactics. That takes guts, resolve and time. But through being AF, we begin to make our way through our "issues" and come out on the other side with a better ability to set boundaries, chase what we want and lose what we don't need any longer.

Overit, my husband and I went through a fairly rocky time when I stopped drinking. He was uncomfortable with the new me, and I all of a sudden had the clarity to discuss our issues. One night we had a very serious and emotional talk and since then, things have been very different and good with us. Not all scenarios will end this way, but without the cloud of alcohol, and some time, we begin to see what we really need and want and we take less BS. I found that, though sometimes painful, I began to make choices that made my life better - and that is the good news. Keep speaking your truth, don't drink, and you will get to a good place!

Beth, as Pav said, please don't take on the weight of your entire relationship - it takes two. Drinking certainly damages everything it touches, but it can't be solely responsible for all relationship troubles. Please see that, and continue to take care of yourself. Eat when you need it, as I think this will be critical for you. Spouses can be so dense around this subject - and as LAV has said many times - just do what YOU need to and the rest will eventually follow.

I'm sitting in a car dealership (yuck!) and hoping the bill won't be too high. Planning to keep eating well and sleep enough. As Londoner said, eating well, sleeping enough, exercising and meditation seem to SIGNIFICANTLY improve my mental and physical state - I feel on top of my game when I keep it up!

Have a great day everyone. Believe in the gift of time - I have experienced changes from my first week AF to now that I could have never imagined - you will find that doors open that you never even knew were there.

[Overit-still]

Hi, All:

Overit - sorry for what you're going through with your husband. However, I get protective of my fellow nesters and when you say "it is all me," I don't buy it.

HA HA PAV! I love it. No, that was in response to a question from LAV as to if he was accepting any responsibility for his own issues. The answer was no, he truly is blaming 100% on me. You and I (and him if he would just admit it) know that is not possible. Everyone has a reaction to an action that leads to a reaction on and on and on. But my point was that I'm not going to say "oh ya? But what about......?" Because I just don't do that and it's not productive. And to be honest he doesn't normally either. And to be REALLY honest, most of it is (beyond my drunken stupidness) a lack of communication or misunderstandings. I say something and (for whatever reason his own low self esteem) takes it to mean something TOTALLY out of context. If I realize what's happening I try and explain and it just ends up in a huge mess.

Thanks for being willing to come in and punch someone in the nose for me.

[Overit-still]

Morning Nesters! Huge shout out to Kensho and Rooni and I don't think I congratulated Londoner yesterday. You guys are AWESOME!

The sun is shining, the birds are singing and for the moment, I'm still married.:smile:

Busy day at work :checkin: I really need to put my thinking cap on as yesterday I just kind of muddled around.

LILBIT & HANNA-We're all in the same boat. Is there a marriage thread on here? :angelgirls:

Everyone, stay strong today. LILBIT-passing the cup cakes your way.

[Hanna]

Hi all-

Thanks for the responses to my "rant". As I process what I see happening, I am thinking the following:

That when we quit drinking, several things have to occur:

1. While we can't do this alone, we can not expect others who have not experienced this to understand.

2. We need to change much more than just our drinking behavior. For some of us, this is radical, such as those of us who have to remove ourselves from situations that have become a huge part of our daily lives (for example, if all our friends or family members are drinkers). Thankfully, I am gratefully lucky in that department. However, changes are necessary, and for me, if that means changing when/how I eat, I am fortunate, but still need to do what I need to do.

3.For those of us with close family members or spouses that have not been through their own drinking issues, it is very, very hard to understand the process.

4. Additionally, getting rid of the drinking allows other issues that have been there all along to rise to the top.

In my case, I have a husband that likes to be in control...or at least aware of the minutia (sp?) that goes on. I tried to keep secrets while drinking, but unfortunately for him, while NOT drinking, he still cannot be in control/involved/aware of everything, which makes it harder, I think, for him.

I guess my question is this: I understand only a subset of you have dealt specifically with marital issues that come up along with/related to quitting, but I assume we all have/had to deal with the impact NOT ONLY our drinking had on others close to us, but also the impact of quitting has had.

So, generically, any advice in this department would really be helpful. Also, anyone who has specific advice or experience with marital issues that would like to share with me, please PM me. I would be really grateful.

Londoner- Way to GO!!!!!

Hope you are all having a wonderful day!

[Dutch1988]

Just swinging by fast this morning, have a busy day ahead, but was hoping for some advice from you long time abbers. My wife surprised me with tickets to my favorite comedian for this Saturday, normally I would be excited except it's a two drink minimum and it just filled me with dread going and ordering water or soda for the two hour show. For me going and seeing comedian and drinking always went hand in hand, I'm actually not excited but more like dreading going. I'm worried it won't by enjoyable sober or I might order a drink. The only thing I keep telling myself is let's try this normally alcohol filled night sober and see if it's just as fun. Just nervous because it'll be the same day as my last quit from two weeks back. I know everybody has bigger fish to fry, but that's my challenge right now haha