Newbies Nest

[Hanna]

Thinking back over the last few days, wanted to add my two cents about people who don't get quitting AL. I'm not married, but the reason I moved back to my hometown years ago was to help out my mother. She's got MS and does alright, but is alone in the house otherwise; and when she was diagnosed my brother had just gotten married (well, the first time) so it made more sense for me to come home.

Anyway, it's been awkward with her in part just because we are mother and daughter so don't always get along to begin with! But also because my dad is an alcoholic, sober for years now but not when I was a kid. One of the reasons my mom divorced him was his drinking, moreso how it was affecting my brother and me. Her sister also seems to have a drinking problem, but doesn't want to address it. So my mom gets that drinking problem=bad, but doesn't really understand the "quitting is hard" part since dad did that long after they split up. I remember early into my quit she'd asked if I would rather she got her liquor out of the house, which was great, but then the week after she asked if I could run by the liquor store for her and it initially really pissed me off. I've tried to compare it with smoking, which she's been unable to quit, but I've been addicted to both and AL is definitely a different beast in a lot of ways.

For me, I've had to balance just being patient with trying to communicate the best I can. I think the biggest problem for us is partly that she's worried that she may have enabled me to drink and partly that now that I'm not she'd like for me to be able to just pick up where I left off with my life. I don't think she means to push as much as she wants me to be happy, and sometimes quitting hasn't exactly put me in the best mood. It's hard for me because I've had to be very honest about, "The reason I don't want to do *thing* right now is I'm concerned it will be a trigger for me to drink." I usually prefer to be all, "It's ok, I got this;" so it's getting used to saying "no" and also getting used to being honest about where my weaknesses are. Added to that, I don't want to make it sound like a threat, "If you push me to do this I'm going to drink" would be a crappy way of coming off!

I don't know if that will help anyone, but those are thoughts that were jumping around in my head, anyway. I think with my friends it's awkward in that folks who *get* it, get it and those who don't just really don't. And with my friends I don't always want to get into all the details about how bad I was. Which is perfectly fine, it just means I have to remember that when they good naturedly ask if I want to go out for St Pat's or similar. They're not trying to tank my quit in most cases, they just are lucky enough not to get how an alcoholic's brain works!

Lav
Thank you for this post. It really helped me. The impact my drinking has had on my marriage is tremendous, but it isn't just the drinking. It is the divide it puts between my husband and I because there is no way he can understand it. While I am fortunate to be married to a non drinker, his inability to understand me in this department frustrates both of us. I would give my right arm to be a person who does not understand drinking issues, but that will never be. And he God willing will never be a person who understands what it is to have a drinking issue.
So, this is why we all need each other.
After a very difficult week my marriage has come somewhat back to center. Going forward I have to realize that I can't expect my husband to always know what to do or say. Ultimately it doesn't matter because this is up to me. While it saddens me that in this major way we will never be able to connect, I need to accept that, and I hope he will to. I don't mean I want him to accept drinking behavior, just that this issue is a piece of me I will never be able to truly share with him.
Does that make sense?
Anyway, happy Friday to all. I plan to pamper myself in a little while with a pedicure :happy2:

[Hanna]

Ahhhh. Getting a pedicure as I type this. Gotta remember to be kind to myself. I highly recommend this.

[LilBit]

Thank you, Jane, Kensho and Overit for your comments re: the dream. I've always had vivid ones. Some have meaning; others are just "a collection of shiny bits that one's brain picks up during the day."

Jane, you're so astute! Re: my fiance infantilizing me by dismissing my fear and saying it was all my imagination, I've had several talks with him about my quitting and how vital this new lifestyle is to me. If he doesn't understand it, he's either not listening or he's in denial. Probably in denial. He even had an endearing nickname before I quit: "Crazy-drunk-[My Name]" so he knows firsthand how it affects me.

Here's where it gets tough. AL has been a central thread throughout our whole relationship. Over time, we both developed a real problem with it. While I don't expect him to quit just because I had an epiphany and was ready to let it go, I DO expect him to understand my need to be AF free, and I even hope for a little support. Instead, I have a panicking, clutching person who would rather see me wreck my life in a vat of wine than to move on without him (as he apparently perceives I will). Instead, I get phone calls asking if I want anything from the beverage store. I get AL shoved into my face every other day, I mean, literally. It's getting old very quickly. Also, I packed up my wine bar the day I quit, but still awaken to his beer bottles, glasses & liquor on the kitchen counter every morning.

This is harsh, but if he can't pull himself together enough to care for my welfare more than his fears, even for a moment, then what kind of love is that? If he never quits, do I want to spend my life with someone who chugs a beer and has a shot of rum first thing in the morning -- who's idea of a good time is getting so sh_t-faced that he passes out? Understand, I'm not being judgmental. I'm just assessing my own boundaries.

Re: your question about the golden color of white wine and if its a fave -- used to be, but I'm a competitive figure skater in my spare time, so "gold" has a special underlying connotation for me. Good Q! :happy2:

Kensho, my dream had very much the same feeling as your bear dream. I believe it's healthy. It shows that the gravity and consequences of continuing to drink have sunk in, and that we're willing and able to fight for our lives. Because that's what this is, right here in this thread, with all these brave people, it's a daily Life/No Life decision. If anyone is reading this and hasn't yet realized how serious it is, go and view the video in Overit's signature line. Scary stuff, indeed.

[Overit-still]

LILBIT-my husband isn't quite the same but I know in the beginning he did have a fear (never discussed but I could tell) of me becoming someone without him. Being a non drinker. I am excited to say that he has been cutting back quite a lot on his drinking. That's exciting. I quit smoking about 2 years before he did. He told me he would never quit smoking so I didn't even realize when he had quit. Cold turkey. Then he said "but I will NEVER quit drinking." but there hasn't been one night in the last 2 weeks that he's even seemed buzzed in the evening, although he is still drinking.

Quick question for you. I think you said that your NA drink was sparkling water. I've never been very fond but I need to cut back on my soda which includes 2 diet 7ups each night. I just bought your favorite brand of Sparkling Mineral water. What do I do with it?

[LilBit]

Quick question for you. I think you said that your NA drink was sparkling water. I've never been very fond but I need to cut back on my soda which includes 2 diet 7ups each night. I just bought your favorite brand of Sparkling Mineral water. What do I do with it?

Hey Overit. I'm glad at least somebody's husband is slowing down. It underscores just how much he cares for you, in a very healthy way.

As for the sparkling water, chill it thoroughly, pour it into the prettiest glass in the house. Squeeze & drop a twist of lemon, and enjoy. (I like mine with no ice.)

Edit to add: Like anything, it grows on you. I wasn't wild about it at first, but now it's a treat.

[Overit-still]

OK Nesters. I'm off on my first excursion (or any event other than work, church and home) since I've quit drinking. I'm good for sure because I'm on my antabuse. I'll check back in tomorrow but rest assured I will not be drinking because we have a big party for me next week.:hyper: I'm going to try and keep my attitude and my anxious thoughts in check and just enjoy myself.

See:eyes:you tomorrow.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Well, it snowed all day as predicted but there's no more than a few inches on the ground. Hopefully it will all melt tomorrow anyway & not ruin this first spring weekend

Overit, I hope you enjoy your evening out, just remember your goals!

Lil, that was quite a dream!
I have had some weird dreams during high stress times in my life. They never made any sense, I think it was just a way for my subconscious to unload or something. We owe it to ourselves to protect or even redraw personal boundaries to protect ourselves. No one is truly looking after us but ourselves

Sounds like everyone is doing well & I hope we all have a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[Dutch1988]

Good luck overit, and I'm looking forward to that party haha

Lilbit I'm going to try that drink, right now I drink dr pepper and move from 0-2 at night after work. I know it's not healthy but compared to drinking vodka with it I feel pretty good. Reading your dream made me laugh because my wife is horrified of snakes, if it was heard she would have kicked my a$$ in her sleep.

Well the two year old is crying upstairs for the past hour, it's 1 and it's the only day I have work in the morning. Friday nights I ised to get lit despite work on Saturday but today I spent most of my time staying late at work and stretching my back/working out a bit. Today was the first day I didn't think about drinking till I heard an ad at 2 on the radio. Pretty happy wth myself and really think I am finally start to live up to my potential. That or I am starting to go crazy like my twin since I feel wired at 1am, but hey, at least I'm sober 😎

[enzo'smom]

I LOVE my sparkling water every night!!!! I drink it with a splash of cranberry juice and half a squeezed lemon…..YUM
My dermatologist noted my dry skin and asked me what I drink at night. Proudly, thinking sparkling water was good hydration I told her I had a liter of it every night.
She scolded me!! said what makes it sparkling dries out the skin…..I find that HYSTERICAL
I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying "really? Is it more dehydrating than a bottle or two of wine every night?" hahahahahahhahahahhaha
dry skin be damned….I will not give up my delicious drink!!!!

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters, happy Saturday to all

I hope to watch all this new snow melt today!!

Dutch, is there a decaf Dr Pepper option?
Glad you are feeling happy!

Jennie, I wonder why sparkling water dehydrates your skin. Never heard that one before. I think the long winter we have endured is a bigger problem for out skin.

Wishing everyone a good AF day! Enjoy the first full day of Spring :yay:

Lav

[Dutch1988]

Lav I love straight black coffee as well, that's what I drink during the day, no chance that's leaving me right now hah

[LavenderBlue]

I've heard there's a myth that it dries out your skin; but unless you're drinking sparkling water with a bunch of chemicals added...all they add to it is carbonation! Some do have added sodium, but just read the label and avoid those. I can't remember the articles, but I read a few that debunked that they're bad for your teeth or your health or anything else. :P Mayo clinic has a blog post up that it also doesn't cause osteoporosis like some sites claim: http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-li...r/bgp-20056174

I swapped to sparkling water and coffee partly just to help with my quit; I always had mixed drinks so when I had a soda I'd sometimes start thinking I'd want to add something to it. I had no memories of AL with water and I had more memories of plain coffee than spiked so it's just what worked better for me. I probably could go back now, but my taste buds are used to the amount of sweetness in naturally flavored waters so I don't really want to go back. ^^

[Hypernova]

Hi all. I am back like a boomerang. This was a long trip down the wormhole. I can't believe how long it took me to get one day under my belt, today being day 4. I've been up and down the escalator for years & as many have said ~ don't give up your quit ~ protect it at all cost. As I have read here before each quit gets more difficult and I could not agree more. Don't know where this leads, time will tell. Best advice ~ protect your quit as you would your life. Hope to hang around this time but if I was handicapping this horse his track record is far from stellar and he deserves the long odds. Feels good to be AF even for one day. ~ First test coming today w/dinner in the city (N.Y.) but I have my plan in place. Thanks for listening.

[Hanna]

Welcome back Hyper!

Just a quick check in. Definitely in a better place emotionally. Just ate a healthy lunch, and am off to the mall, I think. Just saying hello. Looking forward to a sober weekend. Now, if I could just get my sleep back on track (sigh).

Happy Saturday

Oh, and club soda with a splash of cran is amazing. Even sounds appealing when asking for it in a restaurant.

[Byrdlady]

Hey guys - I just wanted to check in with a quick update, seeing as I've now reached 50 days AF. This is approaching a record for me. At least since I started drinking a decade ago.

It has been rocky. With lots of self doubt and mood swings. I've questioned whether I could do it.

But, the difference this time has been keeping the higher purpose at the front of my mind. That higher purpose being me striving to be the best functioning version of me that I can.

There's lots of gremlins to be faced. That's why I drank after all. To take the easy way out and not face my perceived self inadequacies.

Good quality sleep, meditation, eating right, exercising consistently and stress reduction techniques have been the base of this transformation. And the biggest change I have noticed is getting rid of my car. I now have to be more organised with my time, and the benefits from walking at a leisurely pace for 60+ minutes each and every day is MASSIVE.

This is the first time I've ever looked ahead and seen a future without alcohol. It doesn't have the same pull on me at the moment. I've sat in pubs plenty of times with friends recently as they have drank AL, and I sip on my soda water.

I feel like I am growing into a MAN. I am facing challenges. I am starting to stand up for what I believe in. I am not just going with the flow - like a dead leaf in the wind. Sure, that means risking pain and suffering. But coming through that pain and suffering is what makes us who we are.

Giving up AL alone, for me anyway, is not the answer. It is but a piece of a large puzzle. It has needed a holistic approach, with an honest review of what is coming up up to get myself to where I am.

There is still a long way to go. But, I am not full of the self deprecation and bitterness that I was just 7 weeks ago.

There was some serious damage done to my body and mind from the amount of shit I was putting into my body. And the lack of recovery I was giving myself. I am just getting back to where I was a year ago after last stint AF. So, if this is me at neutral, I'm looking forward to how I am feeling at optimal. That's why AL is losing it's pull. I am excited at having the potential to GIVE more to others. It's not about me, it's about what I can offer others.

For the guys just starting out, check my messages in the past. See the wild swings in mood I have had. The lowest of the lows around August of last year and January of this year. Only time can heal. And we need to treat each second of each day as precious. We need to stay mindful of the bigger picture. AL can pull us back under at the click of a finger. It has that lure.

The first step is admitting the problem. The second is giving yourself the basic needs you need to start recovering your hormonal systems/ The third, is being realistic with the journey ahead - it is not plain sailing. It is lonely. It is a struggle. But the first feeling of the light at the end of the (very long) tunnel makes those hard times worth it.

Stay strong - this energy is only from 50 days of solid living. As a collective we have so much more to give, if we are kind to ourselves and others.

Londoner

Londoner, I wonder if you would consider putting this in the Tool Box for us. It is just TOO meaningful to let it get lost in the shuffle. Congratulations on your 50+ days! It will be twice as good at 100! I am so proud of you and wish you continued success!

It was a long, hard week, topped off by a flat tire and having to get towed, but at NO time did I think Al would improve anything. THAT is progress! Stick with this everyone, and you will see that learning different coping skills will change everything!!
So happy to be home, safe, warm and DRY! Happy Sattidy all! Byrdie