Newbies Nest

[banana44]

My plan is not to drink. I can't formulate any other! It really sucks, having this disease. Thanks for welcoming me back. I need to keep my son safe too, he is worried about me (and only 9 years old...I really don't want to make him go into therapy, although he already might be injured by my behavior. I don't know.) I'm struggling right now to stay at home and mainline gatorade instead of AL...it would be so easy for me to go buy some Cab. But I won't.

[available]

we all need little plans at first banana. make it a plan if you feel the need to drink to log on here first and read and post. make a plan to have no al in your house. make a plan to eat and be whatever you want. Most of all be gentle on yourself and take each day as it comes. i found that just not drinking did not work, i needed support and help and this is where we come in. There is always someone on mwo. Reach out to us, we are alcholics we "get" it.

Children are resilient creatures. I drank in my childrens teenage years, i highly dont recommend that at all.

[banana44]

My stomach really hurts...not sure what to eat. But you're right, just using will power doesn't work for me. I need to step up to some other level. Thanks for your post.

[Pie]

So true what you said about the coping skills, Ava. I'd go even further and say that alcohol robbed me of coping skills. A fact I didn't even realize until I'd stopped drinking.

[daisy45]

I can count 3 times in my life when I have been under so much stress.....this is one of them. The worry, hurt and betrayal, where the kids are now, going down so bad that I couldn't help others who needed me. Then a dear family friend got killed in a farming accident a couple of days ago. I went to his house the next day and came home only to have a panic attack. Another today...I really need to do something , the first being alcohol.
I honestly feel I was doing well before this....I could not have predicted the turn of events that unfolded. My stress right now is not down to alcohol.....but, it is most definitely far worse with it.
I am glad I have the insight to know it has to be eliminated and fast. I still feel strongly that I will do this and am getting closer.....I have been more AF this past year than any other and get up and go again...over and over I know....but I will, until I don't have to any more.
Thank you all for your unrelenting support. I hear you all and am taking in everything you say.

[Byrdlady]

We attended a religious ceremony at the local Indian Temple for my hubs grandmother this morning. In my drinking days, having to go to the temple would result in rebellion "I-don't-wanna! (POUT, STOMP) -drinking". In today's case where the ceremony was at 10am, I probably would have started at 8. In my bag, Id carry a Poland spring bottle filled with vodka - or nips from the liquor store. No one would notice and there would be nothing remarkable about my behavior.

With a bit of distance from it, its hard to say which came first - habitual drinking or chronic anxiety, but ultimately I felt like I was swinging from & between socially uncomfortable situations or things I didn't want to do. Time spent not drinking was confined to the time between whenever I woke up and whenever I started again. For the last year of it, I started whenever I felt like it- no matter the day, the hour, or place.

The physical hook for AL was (IS) so strong, it reminds me of a giant rare earth magnet. Within a certain broad proximity, I will get sucked in, every time. The only way to ensure my safety is making recovery a daily part of my life.

When I did quit last January, it was a project "one day at a time" which is a very zen way of saying it was really hard. Sometimes I felt like I was starring in a one man vaudeville show (hey, look! Now we're gonna juggle!)- anything to get through the minute, the hour (another day gone by! Time to post on roll call!)...but somewhere around the 6 month mark, brain receptor reparation/renovation started to take place, and as of today, I can't remember a time when I felt as calm or stable.

I never expected that sobriety would make me calmer and more tolerant. When I got uncomfortable at the ceremony I just closed my eyes and dozed wakefully. My MIL (who's Mom passed away) knows that I quit drinking last January and she's quietly very proud and supportive of me for doing it. More than before, I think she understands that I was using alcohol to do a lot of things I didn't want to do before- to be 'on'. The majority of the time my level of buzz & drinking went totally unnoticed. I was warm & enthusiastic- I didn't slur or get caught behaving badly. I'm grateful that she seems to understand the price I was paying for that. Sometimes I have to do stuff I-don't-wanna! to do in order to support her. I do the best that I can, and I do it for her. There is a lot of room for improvement, but what I am doing, I am doing sober- and the more I do it, the less of a struggle it is.

6 months to 12 months is a challenging time; the physical cravings have chilled out, but you now have to deal with accruing life experience sober (while emotions you've long since forgotten or maybe never even knew) introduce themselves to you (like weird cousins), often with little warning. It feels clumsy, uncoordinated and out of tune, because it is; your brain isn't used to operating without alcohol, and you are not used to operating in a natural state. Alcohol made you able to micro-manage/ manufacture 3-4 moods which got you through most situations. At around the time I hit the 1 year mark, I noticed that the "weird cousins" (moods) weren't throwing me for a loop any more. Spending the time getting to know them was painful at times, but well worth it. I learned that even the crummiest mood of all doesn't last forever.

Sometimes Ill catch myself daydreaming about the 'good old days'....heightened senses, feeling wild & unbridled, passionate, energized, M O R E everything. Knowing that this feeling is just 3 shots of tequila away. The old me would get sucked in by the lure of how good it would feel. The wiser me shakes my head from side to side, no. I spent so many years descending into that dark pit; when I try to recall how it felt to be trapped down there, I cant tell if I'm screaming for help, or if I only think I'm screaming. Its such a far away place that its logical to assume no one would hear; With no one to talk to and only one solitary frame of reference, what would be the point of living to repeat the same day over and over again. Talk about a one way ticket to madness. 3 words, No Thank You.

Getting sober took all my focus. It was my subtle obsession. It has given me something I never had and badly needed, a core. I wouldn't have understood what that meant 15 months ago.

A remarkable post, Jane. What a wonderful perspective you have on this now. I wish you would put that in the Tool Box for safe keeping. It deserves to he seen! Byrdie

[NoSugar]

There was a segment on NPR's Morning Edition today about the success of Moderation Management. That may well work for some people but I suspect that most of us who have made it here have tried that on our own and not succeeded.

After that experiment has been conducted a couple times, there's really no point in repeating it over and over again. The outcome is unlikely to change and there's always the risk of an epic fail, which is the dispassionate way of saying that too many participants died. And with drinking, we're risking not only our own lives but the lives of those in our care and even of people we don't even know.

No matter what pressure you're under or new crises that develop, alcohol cannot be part of the solution. You've already proven that it doesn't work. Please stop doing the same old experiment, wishing for a different result. That may work for some people but it's not very likely for anyone here. It's too late and risky for hopeless dreams and failed experiments.

And on top of it being futile, alcohol is a toxic poison that no one should consume. Don't envy the moderators - they're still trapped.

[Matt M.]

Officially checking in. Been trying to log in and read each day, but I know that's not enough. I say this every time, just don't seem to practice what I preach.
I am very busy, I basically work two full-time jobs. The thing is I know I am creating and planning my schedule and keeping myself busy. Downtime is not a good thing for me, yet I know I I physically and mentally need it. This is a very hard balance for me.
I feel by staying busy I am protecting my quit, yet the stress of balancing work, raising children, and nurturing my marriage is becoming a bit much? I know there are things I can do other than work, but the fear of idle time scares the dog shit out of me.
I know drinking will only make my stress that much more unbearable and the thought of drinking is repulsive. I fear that the repulsion to drink will turn into the fantasy of "I can do it this time, it will be different"
All this may sound petty but is on my mind.

I see there are some that were pulled back out there, and It makes me cringe, I don't mean that as an insult, I just don't know any other way to describe it. If there was any way to bottle up that "Day 1 again" feeling and make it a pill form. It amazes me how fast that misery leaves our memory. I'm no saint, I was a chronic relapser. I just hate to see it happen to anyone.

Stay Hard my friends!

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Lots of activity here today & that's great!

Daisy, I am so sorry about all your stress. Please know that you have a large support group here thinking of you & wishing you the best :hug: It may help to go talk to a professional a few times, have you considered that?

banana, welcome back & please get into the Tool box & use some of the great ideas there to help you put together a good working plan. Plan to succeed

jane, 15 months later everything does look quite different, huh? Life is so much better when we completely kick AL to the curb - good for you!

NS, I have NPR on my FB page & read a bit about the Moderation Management group - yeah, sure, Ha Ha!!!! I tried & tried again (for years) to moderate before coming to MWO. It just wasn't going to work for me. I'm much happier & healthier without

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest. There's plenty of nest belts & butt Velcro around here somewhere - help yourselves!

Lav

[daisy45]

Thanks Lav. I am on medication right now....hopefully not for long. The doc was very good......an overload of stress resulting in a breakdown. Scary stuff! Of course, throwing alcohol into that mix was just madness.
I do know that I have got to take care of me now.....or I simply won't be here or won't have a life worth living..
Some of these life lessons are hard to learn!

[KENSHO]

A core. What a great way to describe what you get when you stop drinking - thank you so much for your post JANE. I feel similar in that being natural and going with the flow instead of fabricating it is becoming much easier. I feel grounded and calm (most of the time) and I'm the voice of reason in my house. I cringe to think of my what my sometimes irrational drinking behavior has taught my kids regarding coping and anger and unrestrained emotional outbursts. It wasn't good. Thank goodness they have the stable me for the rest of their childhoods. Thanks Jane, your post was masterful.

[Dutch1988]

Jane I really enjoyed your post, especially the paragraph about using alcohol to get through situations you really didn't want to be in. For me it started at a funeral, since then I just started using it for bad days, the. Everyday, and it just kept going from there.

Today was a tough day. I'm with Jane and Kensho though. I feel like I am slowly rediscovering this part of me that knows I have so much more untapped potential within me, some kind of core self I guess. It's like this AF time has slowly helped me rediscover me, the farther I get from alcohol, the sharper my focus becomes on what is really important in my life. My need for instant gratification has dwindled to an all time low. I can't remember ever being this goal oriented, and my only worry is I am burning the candle at both ends. I desperately want to accomplish my goals, I no longer want them and then come home to have a drink because I fear not achieving them. It's like AL had become my doc because I was constantly fearing not reaching my goals; but drinking it somehow made me more inept, coming home to drink became my focus, replacing what I really wanted out of life. At some point I decided it was easier to drink and feel good instead of really pursuing my life's ambitions, knowing that if I didn't make it at least I knew I tried.

Well there's my Monday rant, I hope everyone is staying AF. GL banana, I can't remember who always says it, but it's true, you never regret the drink you don't have. Past the month halfway mark and despite a bunch of shit in the way there ain't no getting off this train haha. Gnite all

[frances]

Loved your post Jane - "what would be the point of living to repeat the same day over and over again"....so true!

Well, I screwed up and put my appointment on my calendar for the wrong time and actually missed the 'real' time - so, I rescheduled for this morning. Getting a wisdom tooth extracted...fun stuff!

One thing I thought about this morning is how much I LOVE waking up in the morning after a late night working and feeling 'just tired'....nothing else - not sick, not hungover, not dry mouthed...it makes me feel so great! Whenever I used to work late I would always drink even more than usual just because I wasn't in bed yet...that in turn would make me feel even worse than usual in the morning and I would be in for a sick, fuzzy headed, regretful day. Every time. Now I'm just tired, nothing else, and I am just so happy about that!

[Elvis]

Ugh, woke up to no heat this morning! Appears to be an electrical problem. Stay warm everybody!

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters,

It's a chilly 30 degrees here this morning. Hope you get the heat fixed Elvis!!

frances, I had a wisdom tooth extracted nearly two years ago. It surprisingly wasn't all that bad - good luck!

Dutch, we can get so much more done in a day's time with a sharper focus

Daisy, I'm glad you are getting some help. It is very hard to learn some lessons, I know. I keep reminding myself that learning these lessons is precisely why we are here in this life! Take care of yourself :hug:

Wishing everyone a wonderful AF Tuesday!

Lav