Newbies Nest

[LilBit]

Byrdie, have fun at your trade show (yeah, right -- huh?) Make a game of Bingo for yourself with ubiquitous terms and see how many times they repeat them. It's how I've managed to get through many a dull conference.

G Man, you just double-dip all you like, honey. To me, 90 days is one of the most major milestones.

I'm off to the rink for double program runthroughs to work on stamina. Can feel the hurl already. Have a great week, everyone!

[KENSHO]

Morning y'all! Busy weekend here in the nest!

PAV, got shivers hearing about your son's accident - one of my worst fears. So glad he was not seriously injured!
G - great job on 90! I love the numbers that end in zero - way to go!
I've got a really tough week ahead. I'm procrastinating getting started. I've realized though that overextending isn't worth it - so I'd better get a good plan in place to get the priorities met!

Have a great day!

[Overit-still]

Lil-bit-You're Fiance's drinking habits sound like mine. Now you know what my hubby had to put up with. "quit twins" Too funny! Ooh.....What I wouldn't give to work from home.

Hanna-I like seeing you checking in and staying strong. Don't be gone so long!

Dutch-I'm so proud of you! keep it up.

G-90 days! Holy BBQ!, oh sorry chili sauce.

Byrd-I'm going to try and learn the piano again, something I can do when I'm bored and it will keep my mind and my hands busy.

Kensho, you would have been my "quit twin" kind of but then I decided to tackle it on my own Anyway, good to see you my friend.

I'm home. Mom is doing just fine. Busy busy busy!

[available]

morning nesters

Mr G a huge congrats on 90 days, you are a treasure on mwo and i remember when i tried stopping back in 2011, there you were and we are both still here! persistence pays off. Proud of you.

SF, sometimes i think i should be doing more but then i think of all of those normal people and are they fanatical about filling in their time or are they just cruising through life. I like to cruise now, i feel i am strong enough in my quit that drinking is last on my list to take back up as a hobby. i did manage to pull the knitting out though but its just sitting there waiting for a brain explosion on what i will knit or re-knit i should say.

3 weeks until i head to Thailand and 3 weeks of no work. Im pretty excited to be having some much needed time off work. My my boss still has not got a replacement for me and he did the same last year and i had so much work when i got back. This year if he chooses not to get a replacement my speed for getting up to date when i get back to work is not going to be high on my priority list. I just wonder how some people get responsible jobs when they are totally and utterly useless. I have learnt i cannot fix others inadequacies.

Ex coming to stay this week sometime, cant wait. the sarcasm is flowing at the moment and i will allow it but this is the last time, i need to move on in my life.

Take care everyone

[Overit-still]

Available-Why does he have to stay with you?

[available]

To spend time with my boys and thats okay this time. I used to have him constantly when he visited in my drinking haze but i have moved on. i do prioritise the kids but this will be the last time. Its funny but he is still where i left him and i have moved on so far. He wont be getting any special attention believe me lol.

[Hanna]

Hi Nesters-

Well, I am at a computer instead of my I-pad, so it is easier to type, and I am composed enough to put my thoughts down, so here it goes...

As I have mentioned, the last week or so have been horrific for me. Here is the deal. My husband is uncertain if he wants to continue our marriage after almost 19 years (I think I told you that part). I think it is mostly that he is just done with my drinking, and although I am done, he does not know that he can trust me (I can't blame him for this). However, I truly feel blindsided. I am also not sure if that is the only reason, based on a couple of other things he said over the last week or so. He shared with me that he has talked to his co-worker (actually, his employee) about our marriage troubles (I am sure he means my drinking but not sure what else). Although I don't think there is more to this, this person is a married woman, and it just hurts like hell that this is the person he chose to confide in. Either way, I made it clear that I feel like a fool because I did NOT see this coming, and thought, overall, we have had a pretty damn good marriage. I feel like I am getting kicked when I am down. Don't get me wrong, he has every right to not want to deal with my drinking anymore. HELL, I don't want to. However, it hurts big time. I am scared, scared to death. And the fact that I am sitting here waiting for him to make a decision about whether he wants to work on healing or want out is killing me. I get it, but also deeply resent it.

So, I am trying to stay sober at a time that I am most vulnerable. My stomach is in knots. I know this is not a marriage site, but I don't want to not come on here, and there is nothing else for me to share right now. It is all consuming.

UGH

sorry for venting. This is the first time in 19 years that I am aware of our marriage being in jeopardy.

I hope you are all doing much better than I am.

[NoSugar]

Hanna, I am so sorry.

We encourage people to avoid other stresses when they first stop drinking so they can focus on the big challenge of stopping. But here you are with no choice - you've got to quit while you face the biggest crisis of your married life.

Maybe these 2 things can compliment one another. Being sober will either help you save your marriage or will put you in a position to deal with everything that comes with a divorce. And when you make it to the other side of your situation with your husband without drinking, either way you will have established an amazingly solid quit. Your sober "muscles" will have gotten a work-out unlike most of us have even imagined.

I really hope this personal crisis can strengthen your commitment to what you so clearly know you need to do. I don't know how much we can help you but I know you'll always receive support for all the challenges you are facing and you can know that we care.

xx, NS

[Hanna]

Thank you NS.

[LilBit]

Hanna, I second what NS said. The Newbs here have been very understanding and supportive about posted relationship issues. It's whatever is bugging you and threatening your quit. It all matters.

After 19 years, I hope your husband will give you another chance. If my fiance showed 1/100th of the initiative and willingness to change that you've shown, I'd try to give him every chance. And yeah, that sucks about his talking it over with a married female employee. At least 1) she is married and 2) he's trying to talk it out with someone instead of holding it in or just throwing his hands up.

Meanwhile, find some ways to be good to yourself. Soak up some sunshine, watch a favorite TV program, eat a brownie. Either way, "This too shall pass."

[available]

Hanna i am sorry about what you are going through but the obvious answer to me is to stop drinking and see what happens. I know that is easier said than done but if your marriage is worth fighting for then you really dont have a choice. Even if he has given up it doesnt mean that you have to bury your head in a bottle. We all hit our rock bottom with our drinking. I did not realise how mine affected my life but it affected my children, my work, my relationships, everything really. Now i have stopped drinking and done the hard yards my life is so much better. I could have chosen the bottle and given up or i could have fought back tooth and nail, i fought and i am winning. Dont let al win and take what is precious to you. Fight the f**ker with all the grit and determination you have and show him and yourself what you are made of.

[MossRose]

Hanna - my heart hurts for you. Of course, I agree with the others - drinking will definitely cause more harm than good in this situation. As NS said, it's hard enough to get sober with support, but you are facing an uphill battle. But not an impossible one. I quit drinking right after my long-term marriage fell apart. It wasn't fun, and I stumbled a few times, but I turned to the folks here for help and support. It worked. I hope things work out for you and your husband, but if the worst happens, you will survive. I did and I really didn't think that was possible. In fact, today I am thriving. But I certainly remember the pain of what you are going through and am not trying to minimize it.

It hurts like hell. My ex-husband did a similar thing. Please promise me that you won't make the same mistakes that I did. This advice has little to do with drinking, and much to do with the situation you find yourself in. Take what is helpful, and toss the rest.

First, your husband has crossed a line by discussing your relationship with another woman. Period!! Whether you drank in the past is irrelevant. You have the right to draw that boundary, stand firm, and demand respect for the sanctity of your marriage. If there are problems in your relationship, he should be discussing them with you. My ex-husband had a "friend" that he discussed our marriage with, and her advice was very damaging to us. Also, please don't audition for the part of his wife. I did that. I wanted him to pick me - to pick us - and all I managed to do was erode my already damaged self-esteem. At that point, I had given him all the power. You have been his wife for 19 years. You have a say in this matter. It's hard to see that when you are in the midst of it, but as they say, hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had done things differently. I'm not sure it would have saved my marriage, but I would have healed much quicker. Just keep working on yourself, stay sober, and everything will work out in the end.

Take extra special care of yourself, and if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you. xx, Moss

[Byrdlady]

Hanna, your story sounds exactly like mine! I had a 24 year marriage and the night of Jan 19, 2011, my husband packed a bag and left. I had 2 choices and neither of them good. I had to quit drinking and HOPE my hubs would give me another chance or give in totally to AL and let it take me down. It took some convincing, he didnt think I could do it ( and neither did I) but I had to finally give it 100% effort and I did it.
Remember, he feels helpless and desperate. Yes, it hurts that he sought counsel with someone else, but HE needed help. It wasnt easy but each AF day I had earned his trust back a little more. You have to prove yourself! You have to take AL off the table as a solution to anything. As Narilly says, ypu can have the life you want, or you can drink. My hubs' ultimatum has literally save my life. After all, who wants to be married to a drunk? I dont!!! Give it everything you've got and things will work out one way or another, if you are AF you've got a fighting chance of keeping the marriage together. You can do this. Love is stronger than AL. Byrdie

PS, where is FIN??

[MossRose]

Hi Byrdie - I see we have a difference of opinion on this matter, so Hanna has options to choose from. Hope all is well in your world.

[Byrdlady]

A little bit, Mossy, I was trying to walk a mile in his shoes. My hubs said he felt so alone and didnt know where to turn. Every situation IS different. I can see many angels in this situation,,.its very complex. Xo, B