Newbies Nest

[Overit-still]

Jane27-that's what I was thinking but was afraid to post. Time. But I've been where Hanna is and it's the panic that wants us to move, do something, now! But I also know if I sleep on it, I'm usually thankful I didn't move and things become much clearer.

Hanna-just hang on and breathe.

Dutch-can't wait to read!

Good day everyone!

[jane27]

Yup Overit, I've been there too...wanting an immediate result. It still happens! Hanna, we're all rooting for you! I just think that asking for a chance when you're not feeling like your best self isn't being fair to you or giving you the greatest chance to succeed in your goal.

[LilBit]

Hanna, I'm not in any position to judge your letter, or anyone's for that matter. There's some "good medicine" in the responses thus far. All I can say is that I feel the pain in what you wrote, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Wishing you both healing in every way and better days ahead where all of this is a distant memory.

[available]

Hanna i think that was a lovely note but...., always a but isnt there. i would not give him that letter at the moment. you are vulnerable and weak. We all know what al does to our minds and yes i would also be strong in my quit before i gave him the note if at all. What happens if you are so determined and then drink (common in our early quits), how will you feel then? It will give him another piece of fuel to add to the fire. Why not just show him without words but actions that you have given up drinking and in a few weeks try and talk to him. I found that no one believed me when i said i was not going to drink, hell my daughter bought a bottle of wine around the very next day. All of my 4 children never ever thought i could beat this but i asked and took help, i had to leave my ego at the door, i left everything at the door so i could heal. it is a massive change for everybody, not just you when we stop drinking but for months afterwards, others need to learn to trust us, we took that trust from them. We need to make them believe that we are going to succeed and actions speak louder than words. I know that al has been my enemy and al nearly took all that i loved away. i as a mother swore i would do anything for my children and i had to make that choice with al, that it would not take one more day of my life from me.

Remember it is your house also, show him you are not weak, prove you can be the woman that you used to be before al took hold. Change your life and if he chooses to be a part of that then wonderful, if he chooses to walk away then you have started a whole new journey albeit it scary, it is your life.

i wish you strength Hanna at this time. Al takes so much from us alcoholics and it takes a strong person to beat this addiction. The man i am seeing at the moment said to me that i will always carry this with me and i said yes i would but i will never ever let it win again. This was the same man who initially told me he could control my drinking and now he said that in his company i will never ever drink and thats good as we are both on the same page.

[TJAF]

Hanna I feel for you!

First my background, I am a man and have been married for 30 years. It has been difficult and wonderful all at the same time. To say that we haven't been challenged would be a lie. We have faced times when it would have been easy to get divorced and we have come close. But despite that, even in our worst moments, I have never been able to imagine a time without her. Love is funny as they say.

In my opinion, You have been placed in a difficult and unreasonable position. The alcohol issue isn't a good enough excuse to leave something so important twisting in the wind. If you were an abusive destructive drunk and the only recourse was to leave than that is what you do...you leave. In Byrdies case her Hubs hit his limit but again he didn't leave Byrdie hanging, he packed his bags and left. I think it is almost sadistic to knowingly leave a loved one so alone, he has to know your pain. deep down I suspect he knows what he wants.

My advice, forget the note, I would ask a very simple question, but only if you are ready for the answer. Do you Love me! Don't settle for a "I don't know" kinda answer. It really is only yes or no. If he says yes but he cant handle the drinking than you got something to work with. If the answer is wishy washy or no than at least you know where you stand and at that point the choice yours. Personally I would tell him that you love him deeply but until you get an answer he needs to leave. Your health and recovery cant possibly abide the place he has put you in now! Sorry if I am being blunt I don't mean to be!

[jane27]

Hanna, I'm also sorry if my post was blunt. I didn't mean to be a sledgehammer. I think you've got some good feedback here. Have you thought about how you will handle it?

[Matt M.]

Hello Friends,
Just checking in, on the fly. Not much chance to read to far back but I will. If your new here and I haven't welcomed you, I apologize. and Welcome! You have made a wise decision. If I can do it the devil can. :thumbsup:

Quick funny story then I'm back at it.
Some of you may know or not, I have 3 boys 8-15, well in the last few days their toilet has been getting stopped up, like several times a day. Me being a Firefighter and basically working 2 full time jobs I wasn't able to really try and figure out the problem. I can only assume to much toilet paper. Not an unfair assumption given 3 boys that eat me out of house and home, well you can imagine that is a busy restroom. Upon further investigation, I found what looked like a miniature roll of paper towels next to there toilet. it was almost like toilet paper size yet it was paper towels, HEAVY DUTY paper towels. Come to find out my 8 and 12 year old, without ill intent wanted to help old mom and dad out, so they managed to cut some paper towel rolls into almost perfect toilet paper size and put it on the holder....Problem solved!!! Aint that the shits? :welldone:

Stay Hard freaks!

[Hanna]

Funny story Matt. Thanks for the smile.

Well, seems most of you think I should not leave the note. I probably won't. Not sure. 'nuf said about my marital woes. So sorry to take over the board here.

Most importantly, I am sober. Just finished an early dinner. I am going to go to a movie by myself at 7:30. Truthfully not what I want to do, but it is just too painful to be with husband until he at least tells me his intentions. So, trying to figure out things to do in the evening hours by myself that are not drinking related. Guess I am going to see a lot of movies! I signed myself up for a "7-11" mile hike on Sunday at 8AM. YIKES. Yes I know it is Easter Sunday, but being a Passover girl, that is not an issue. If nothing else, I am going to be not only sober but in ridiculous shape after this! I don't know where else to go besides the gym!

Husband and I will be together Friday and Sat. night for Passover, first with his parents and then with mine. Not worried about alcohol as, although tradition has everyone drinking wine, it is Manoshevitz(sp?) wine usually served, which to me tastes like cough syrup.

I am sorry I missed giving good wishes for those of you who made some exciting milestones recently. I will try not to be such a center of attention, but really, truly needed to get out my feelings, and get some advice. Again, thank you all.

Will touch base later ((hugs))

[Byrdlady]

Hanna, I'd can the letter....actions speak louder than words, as other have said. It is almost backing him into a corner to make a decision, if he has to choose based on his information today, the odds arent good. But if you demonstrate that you are dead serious about getting and STAYING sober this time, you have a fighting chance. I walked on eggshells for weeks, but I deserved it. I put him thru hell. It took time, but we came out the other side. Everyone has his limits and I found my Hubs', i imagine you have now found Marty's. So lets both NOT go there again, deal?
B

[Overit-still]

Hanna-I understand that you don't want to be home when he is, that it's very painful. But, if you're not there, 1)he's going to wonder where you are, who you're with, and what you're drinking 2) How can you show him that you're serious if you're not even around. Please don't avoid him, it can become easy to get used to someone not being around. If he doesn't want to be around you, trust me, he'll leave. Clean the house, cook something wonderful, read a good book, or put on some good music, work outside in the yard, fold laundry, etc. Just be present, because let's face it, you haven't been. I know, I was there. My husband is enjoying my presence and I'm shutting off when I get home and as uninterested as I might be in what he's doing around the house, I try to take an interest. There was a time when it didn't matter what we were doing as long as we were side by side, we had fun and enjoyed each other. I'm trying to make that a priority again. Hugs to you lady. My heart just aches with what you are going through. Keep us up to date.

[MossRose]

Hanna - don't give him the letter. It won't help. I speak from experience. What I read was the desperate plea of a woman who sees her marriage falling apart and is willing to take all of the blame, apologize, and try harder. You posted last night that you've been a good wife. Yes, you drank and that is a problem, but you are fixing that problem. He better be damn perfect for you to do all the heavy lifting. He should be jumping for joy right now. I know this is a cold truth you don't want to hear, but I've been there.

You are probably thinking that if you make your needs very, very small, he'll stick around. After all, you won't be any trouble. You may actually think that you can "nice" him back into the marriage. I tried that too. Please, don't go there. I know the temptation. You are scared. I get that. I was too. But I promise you, no matter what happens - YOU WILL BE ALRIGHT. You will, my friend. You are much stronger than you think. And sober - you are a warrior. You just don't know that yet because someone is putting your heart through a blender at the moment. Be kind to yourself. And tear up the letter. I wrote so many of them. I doubt my ex read a single one. That made me feel even more foolish. Being strong and having boundaries may be the one thing that makes him work on the marriage. Don't let your emotions make you the "crazy woman" that he has portrayed you to be in his mind. Sorry, but this story is too familiar. If you would like some links to blogs that may help you make sense of this situation, just PM me. I'm always here for you. xx

Pav - I wanted to clear up the opposite-sex confidante thing. I too have men as dear friends. One friendship goes back over 40 years. We grew up a couple houses down from each other. In fact, I talked to him the other day on the phone. However, in my experience, there are different kinds of friends. I would definitely invite the friend I just told you about to dinner with my spouse. In fact, I have in the past. There is nothing to hide. However, when my ex-husband was confiding in his "special friend," it was all too secretive for my liking. She was never invited to our home. She and I never got to know one another. I wanted that, but he didn't. He talked about her, but kept us apart. Women's intuition is usually right. In my opinion, that's not a level playing field. She knew intimate details about me and my marriage, yet I knew nothing about her. I felt violated. So, that is where my screed came from.

Have a great evening all. I'm off to make dinner.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Still waiting for the 'real spring' to begin - chilly & damp here!

Hanna, I'm glad you are not leaving that note for him. Giving away all of your power (what's left of your power) can only be detrimental to you. I'm glad that TJ wrote what he did - it helps to have a man's perspective. I'm glad that MossRose wrote what she did - no matter how scared you are right now you will be alright!!! Please know that a lot of us have been through these tough situations & honestly, we are OK regardless of how they turned out in the end :hug:

Matt, paper towels would murder my septic system, ha ha!!! I didn't raise my kids here but I am always watching the grandkids, just in case

Greetings to everyone & wishing a safe & cozy night in the nest for all!

Lav

[Overit-still]

Have a great night everyone. G-please pass the Velcro.

[Resolve]

Hanna - your situation is familiar to me, and I both feel for you and can relate. I haven't had much to say of late but wanted to respond. Not exactly advice, but I can share perspective I've gained from my wife and how our relationship has fared.

We had a long heart to heart this weekend that was insightful to me if not brutally honest. We've got issues and, not shockingly, my drinking, lying, hiding and sneaking around took a bigger toll then I fully appreciated. We're working through damage and resentment that has long needed attention. She's seeing the past differently, or clearly, and dealing with anger and her realization of the missing link that explains a lot. What you, me and others face/have faced is our words became empty and hollow which we demonstrated time and again by continuing to drink. We are about actions now, and all the promises and words of conviction simply become white noise that has to be demonstrated. I don't blame your spouse or mine or anybody's partner if they walk away. I don't mean that harshly, and every situation is different, but for better or worse has its limits.

Our long overdue unfun, exhausting and maybe beneficial three hour chat went into the wee hours where I kept waiting for the we are toast conclusion.. My wife surprised me in that just as I took drinking off the table, she did the same with any notion of separation due to our children. Now to be clear, I don't want that either so I wasn't seeking it. We have three kids and 20 years together so we are trying to preserve this family we created. We're striving to figure it out and have good reasons, but we're not in a good place so we're going to try counseling.

Even though we're struggling I can't imagine drinking, and this has strengthened my commitment even more to maintain this. It feels good to be honest, and though always capable before, I was more interested in preserving my relationship with alcohol regardless of the damage to other relationships. Can we get our mojo back is the question, and time as always will tell. Despite the frankness in how we speak now, I like it because it's real. I don't like hearing about my mistakes or bad judgment of the past, but to get past this we have to go through this aftermath together.

All of this has been a process, and by dealing first with sobriety I'm now able to focus on and nurture what I've neglected. It's not pleasant to hear that you've been selfish and a disappointing spouse, but it is motivating to have a chance to turn it around even if it doesn't work out. It took years to deconstruct what I claimed mattered most, and I feel relieved everything has surfaced now. I don't believe we're irreparably broken, but if I hadn't worked at getting sober we would be. So work at us we will, and that's where my headspace has been and will be. And we still have humor - she told me I've become fuddy duddy so now we call me Fud.

Stay strong, stay sober and the rest will follow as it's meant to be.

[Pavati]

Hi, everyone:

I think it might feel like you're center stage here, Hanna, but I'd say you struck a nerve. Obviously we all have our relationship issues with alcohol playing a big part. By asking the questions, you allow us to reflect and write our feelings. We might start out with "Hanna..." but we are also helping ourselves. Thanks for starting the conversation.

Gotcha, Mossy. A big difference.

Matt- I love that your kids were creative problem solvers! Hilarious.

Thanks everyone. Some fabulous posts with great advice and experience. I'm toast. Good night!

Pav