Newbies Nest

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters & happy Hump day!

I'm in a rush so I'll just wish everyone a wonderful AF day!!

Lav

[Hanna]

Good morning nesters-

Oh my God. Thank you all, but especially, thank you Resolve. You hit the nail on the head! Exactly spot on.

The thing is, I want this marriage to be ok. I know we have other issues, all marriages do. But I know that my drinking has been the most destructive, and I know that unless my husband is willing to commit to us, we cannot go anywhere but apart.

I understand that my actions and not my words have to be what MAY allow us to move forward. And I am there. What is so hard is the wait to see if he may get there. It is as though I am waiting to hear from a doctor whether I have some terminal illness with imminent death. That sounds dramatic but that is how it feels. I am doing my part by not drinking, but the control over the "doctors decision" is my husbands alone. The wait, and the weight, is intolerable. Therefore, I am spending each day in intense anxiety and each moment hoping he will call, or when he comes home at night, will give me some decision. This is why I have been avoiding him to a degree...because when I am with him I am crying or begging for some answer and pleading that I am done with drinking. I know that is not helpful.

I listened to you all, and did not give him that note. It is the same thing I have been doing in written form. I did go to the movies last night. Got home at 10, again hoping he would say something positive. He didn't. Don't get me wrong, he is not acting angry or nasty or anything like that. He asked about the movie, my day, etc. He knows how much pain I am in and I think truly feels bad. But he has not been able to tell me he wants to move forward. I don't think he is done with us. I think he is watching me and trying to see if I am truly committed. This may take time, and I guess I need to learn to be patient (UGH).

I am going to try to keep my anxiety in check, and not just disappear all the time, as I don't think that is helpful either. As much as I can, I want to just move on with life, without this reassurance, and give him time. This is going to be really hard. Really hard.

Many of you have been so sweet, and defended my need not to feel like it is all me, and he has issues too, and I should not be a victim. I agree, but I think that is something to contend with later. Right now, he is basically saying he is not sure if he can trust this (for good reason) and needs time to decide if we are irretrievably broken. After, and if, we pass that hurdle, we can move on to other things that may need tending to.

We have had many good and meaningful years together, and I don't want to throw them away. We have both been through a lot together. I have been there for him in tough times, and he has been there for me. We have raised 2 wonderful kids and have amazing memories together. So, this is tough. Ugh, here comes the tears again. Never knew I had that many.

Well, on a good note, I am sober, and staying so, no matter what happens. I never want to do this to any relationship again, this one, or any others I may have. I always thought I was really only hurting myself. I thought that since I don't get violent or nasty, don't miss work, etc. that I was only hurting myself. I thought "OK, so sometimes at night my memory sucks, but other than that, who am I hurting?". It was less the effect of the alcohol and more the lying, sneaking, and broken promises that hurt those who care most. Huge revelation for me, and for that I am so, so sorry.

Well, anyway. The second best exotic marigold hotel was not a bad movie. Light, and well done. If you gotta see a movie at night by yourself when you are thoroughly depressed, not a bad choice

I really cannot believe the support I have gotten here from all of you. I have never been so honest in my life.

Love you

[KENSHO]

Good morning! I hope everyone is weathering hump day with a positive attitude!

Hanna, your honesty will be groundwork for progress! Good job! Maybe, when you're sitting thinking about what decision your husband will make and feeling in intolerable limbo - maybe stop, and shift the focus on YOU. Feel proud of what you have accomplished for that day with staying sober, and think of what you will do later, tomorrow that will keep you going in that positive direction! I understand you feel stuck under the weight of your marriage, but now it's time to focus on you and your healing. Try to remember to feel positive about THAT and concentrate on re-building you now! Focus on your quit and be more proud by the day - feel grateful for this opportunity to heal and live life sober. You will have time later to rebuild your relationships.

When I quit, I withdrew from a lot of people in order to really focus on what I needed to do - and keep out of temptation. I remember the day that I sort of woke up and said - wow, I feel so much better now, and I began the process of reconnecting with my husband and friends. It took a few months for me to get there - and it really takes some introspection and focus. I just asked my husband to be patient with my healing process and mood swings. I don't think he totally "got it", but now he sees a more whole person who is so much more capable of taking care of herself and giving to others!

Best to you my friend!

I'm working like mad to meet demands before we travel next week. I get those drinking thoughts sometimes at night - but instead of entertaining them, I decided to just to one hour of work and let the rest sleep. I am feeling good today! So glad I don't go down that road any more!

I know it may seem impossible to some to stop drinking, but it DOES become second nature after time and practice. YOU CAN DO IT!

[Overit-still]

Good morning nesters.

Hanna-he's taking an interest in your day by asking questions, take an interest in his and be present. It sounds like you're feeling a little better today. Keep at it.

Resolve-thank you so much for your post. We forget the damage is not only to our bodies but others. I forget that even though I saw it as a child. It's amazing what we truly do not acknowledge.

Today is my mom's 79th birthday AND day 1 of my 12 week body challenge! I'm so excited to see my results at the end of 12 weeks having quit drinking, getting my back side to the gym again and fueling my body with good foods.

I hope everyone has a great day because I will.

[available]

Stay positive hanna and dont become resentful giving up al, it will eat you away. You need to give up al because you want to and not for anyone else. Being an addict is not easy and we all know that.

Well i had my ex husband stay last night and we actually had a good chat, i had a cup of coffee and he drank beer, no suprise there and i told him how happy i was to be sober and that i can never ever have that one glass. To me this feels like a healing part of my emotions regarding our marriage as it was not a joint marriage, more one sided, well i did it all. I have had to deal with a lot of anger towards him but seeing him i can move on. We both made mistakes, he hasnt changed, i have. One more night to deal with and he goes back to his fiance. The positive is that the children have enjoyed seeing him and if i have to smile until my face breaks, then so be it.

Last day of work today and 4 days of rest. Life is good. Take care all.

[LilBit]

Happy April Fools' Day, everyone. Here's a little gift. No matter how many times I see it, the "Models Falling Compilation" always makes me laugh.

I know, I know...it's pure schadenfraude but I can't help it. Bwahahahahaha.

[LavenderBlue]

Hey all, I'm here I just have my head pretty far up my own rear at the moment, so please forgive me if I'm distracted. Especially you, Hanna; that's so much to juggle and I really do feel for you. I'm glad there's so many others here giving such great feedback and advice.

I'm not distracted with anything nearly as exciting; I just found out that a local gas station was having open interviews and decided to go. Now, big scheme it is not a big deal if I do or do not get hired part time at a gas station and I KNOW that in my head. I don't even think I want to stick with retail as a career; this should be something I can take or leave because making money is a good thing and I feel better when I'm employed, but I still have enough of a cushion to wait if I need to. But going through the application process brought up a LOT of work related anxiety from my past. I'm a really horrible perfectionist in general, but it really comes out with work stuff. I'm the one who'll sit there "I remember I was late to work one day at that job, what if they say that during my ref check? God, I'm so stupid, why couldn't I have been on time?!" I also don't THINK my drinking ever directly impacted my job, but now that I'm sober it's really hard not to go over the last chunk of years and wonder if I was wrong, wonder if I was just fecking up everything while I was drinking and just didn't notice.

Bleagh. It also makes me worry about my financial stuff since I know if I'm employed I'm going to have to make phone calls to people letting them know I'm working now and I'm scared they're going to jump all over me and set up crazy payment plans that leave me with nothing at all. Or I'll forget to call and get nasty voicemails and they'll...I don't know what I think they'll do but it worries me. (I know that's not rational, it's just what my brain is telling me.)

The weird thing is it's actually not making me want to drink. I think it's because I relate my drinking to the "I fecked up everything" thoughts, so the last thing I want to do is more of the same thing, if that makes sense. It's just still really uncomfortable and stressful and also frustrating that I'm the one everyone always says is so strong and together and apparently I can't even apply at a damn gas station without turning into a whole huge issue.

I'd initially wanted to put off the job hunt until I was more settled about my anxiety issues; but open interviews are really good for me. My last couple jobs look kinda crappy on paper, plus the time between employment. But I've always *interviewed* very well even if it makes me nervous.

Going to try to be kind to myself, and proud of myself for trying, though. And I should probably breathe and also be proud of myself for not letting drinking be on the table. I may be out of my mind with (irrational) panic, but I went in and I did it sober which is a first for me in forever. I know I can do it now, and I know even though it sucked I can handle it ok.

Thanks for listening; I'm going to go take the dog on a long walk and try to get relaxed. I absolutely promise I will come here if my brain changes its mind and starts thinking AL is a good answer, though. I know just bc it's not in my head now doesn't mean that won't change.

[LilBit]

LavB, wow, you sure set new standards for thinking things through ahead of time! So much so that I wonder if you need to play out all those scenarios in your head? Many times, the things we worry about most never happen. Read that again. They never happen. And if they do happen, our pre-worrying about them usually doesn't help.

You CAN control your thoughts. When an anxious thought arises, acknowledge it. Say no to it. And then reframe it with a positive thought. 'Sounds silly, but say the positive thought aloud. It's proven that we hear the things that we say with 10x the impact of things that others say.

How about taking this whole thing one step at a time? Do the interview, which you know you can ace. If you were late for work on a previous job due to AL, they can't pry that out of you with thumbscrews. Your lateness may have been caused by anything! I have interviewed many people over the years and can tell you that employers are often willing to overlook past flaws as long as the person is intelligent (which you are) and can do the job (which I'm sure you can).

As for the bill collectors, there are many ways to work with that situation, but I still think "one thing at a time" is the way to go, for now.

Maybe you can tell that I've struggled with anxiety in the past? It's still a lifelong struggle for those of us with vivid imaginations, but you really can retrain yourself to minimize its impact on you. I wish I could take back every second that I ever spent worrying. Good luck, and keep us posted on how it's going.

[MossRose]

LavB - I understand your job-hunting anxiety. I actually enjoy interviewing (I know, sick!), but the prep work to get there is overwhelming. Anyway, what I really wanted to say is that your worries about past job references may be unfounded. I'm not sure if you are in the States, but if so, there are tons of laws governing what a former employer can and cannot say when asked for a reference. My company won't verify anything other than dates of employment, title, and salary. That's it. As employees, we are prohibited from giving a reference. Even a personal reference. HR departments are very skittish about giving a bad reference. It leaves them open to lawsuits. So unless you drank on the job, ran naked through the building, or embezzled...something horrendous...I don't think you have anything to worry about. And even then, I'm not sure how much they can say. It sounds like you are much harder on yourself than any former employer would be. So don't worry!! You've got this. Fingers crossed.

edit to add: My only advice about the bill collectors is don't ignore them. They usually will work with you if given the chance. I've managed to settle some of my divorce debts for pennies on the dollar. But I had to have a plan, and call them. Good luck. I know it sucks, but sending lots of love your way.

[Byrdlady]

Evening, nesters.
I am dog-butt tired. Been in a class about network DVR's today. UGG. I am the least technical person you will ever meet and this class was full of technicians. There was a test at the end and if I hasnt cheated, Id have never passed! Bah!! Glad this day is over!

Heading home tomorrow. Hallaloooya! Hugs to all, Byrdie

[Overit-still]

Heading home. Terrible headache today from not enough/well enough but not as much as usual caffeine. Tomorrow is another day. Although I would bite off LILBIT's right hand for a piece of chocolate. (just kidding, well......kind of.......)

Hanna-snuggle up close, G gave us the Velcro.

Where's Fin?

[Dutch1988]

LavB good for you for getting it there. As log as your taking steps and confronting your fears that's all that matters right? I mean having the anxiety and doing what you fear anyway sounds like your plan, so good for you. And if your not ready yet, who cares right? You sound like you have a buffer so good for you.

I haven't been drinking but I have been pounding the coffee hard. Finally getting burned out not seeing the results I want at work but still pushing through, albeit not as strong. I also have a sinus infection, which goes great with getting punched in the head and constant dehydration from exercise and coffee.

Reading Hannas situation has made me think a lot about my wife and mine. Although we are happily married, I found out a few days before I quit drinking she secretly got off birth control when she got pregnant with our first. She told me because I always praise her and tell her she is a good person etc, which she is, but she said she couldn't take it anymore and felt guilty. Since we were trying for our second kid, I wanted to take a break but naturally she wound up pregnant that month. I was happy about it, and feel since I decided on this one it made me feel better overall, but now that it has been a few weeks since the new baby high I feel that anger of being lied to and my whole life changing before it was supposed to. I had my first one at 24, and although we could handle it financially if really pissed me off she lied to me and said ahe just forgot her bc for 2 nights. Dunno if anyone has any good relationship advice, but it seemed like Hanna got some so I figured I would start here. It's way cheaper than marriage counseling haha.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Glad to see everyone working hard, checking in - good things are happening in the nest!
I know, from personal experience that when we quit drinking we really want everything in our lives fixed as fast as possible. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. I had to convince myself that time would heal all & it pretty much did. Learning to be patient was a rough one for me, honestly. But, if I did it I'm sure you all can as well

Just had a marathon 9 1/2 hours watching my grandsons & am doing it all again tomorrow. Who said retirement was all fun & games??
Wishing everyone a safe & cozy night in the nest!!

Lav

[LilBit]

Oh Lav, that's so true. It's like we take the beer goggles off our entire lives when we quit and suddenly see what a mess things are. It's natural to want to fix it all at once but, as you said, patience...

Dutch, that's a tough one. While I won't presume to give you advice, I will say that you're entitled to your feelings and it just hurts to be betrayed, no matter who you are or what the betrayal is. I think if we're honest, we've all disappointed and hurt each other if we've ever been in a long-term serious relationship. No "first stone cast" here. Only you can decide if you can give her a chance to rebuild the trust. But one thing I do know. It's good to acknowledge and release your anger, but just don't hold on to it. Forgiveness frees you in stupendous ways. It's a process, and I find that I have to re-forgive people sometimes for the same thing until it sinks deep enough into my soul. But, it's worth it for your own well-being.

Overit, I am with you on the chocolate craving. What IS this? I haven't craved AL these last four weeks but all the sudden, this week I am "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs." Maybe it's walking past the Easter candy at the drug store. Maybe it's the low-carb, high intensity training regimen I've been on. Whatever the cause, I would almost retrieve an unwrapped marshmallow bunny from my fiance's soccer bag and eat it. That's saying something.

[enzo'smom]

Hello fellow birdies…..It has been awhile since I last flew by…..I can only chalk it up to one alcoholic reason: complacency. THat is NOT ACCEPTABLE. As I approach 100 days (today is day 96) i need to be extra extra diligent (or is it vigilant?) with utilizing ALL tools I have in my sobriety. That includes staying tuned in with the nest. I simply can not afford to let any of my tools fall by the wayside….based on my previous 100+ days AF experience, the words "I've got this" are very dangerous. If I revert back to the way I was before I put down the bottle (i.e. not using all of my sobriety tools), the bottle will eventually come back….that stupid insidious voice will tell me one sip is ok…..then 3 sips…….then a beer because it is so nice out and I am on vacation……. then a glass of wine with my sister……then, why not? I will have another!!!! and the downward spiral continues until I am right back from where I started……bloated, hungover, depressed, at least 10 pounds heavier, but most importantly, spiritually dead. I will lose all the joy I have regained these past 96 days.
I have to keep reminding myself that the problems I had 97 days ago that "justified" my drinking are STILL here…..but because I don't drink, I am happy DESPITE those problems. :happy2: