Newbies Nest

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters & happy Thursday

Chilly but sunny still in my portion of the nest, c'mon spring!

Lil, I inhaled a shameful amount of chocolate when I quit. I had to break that new habit with some L-glutamine, thank goodness it worked

Jane, I really believe as long as you check in here at least once per day you are protecting your quit. At some point you find yourself able to engage in a full day's activities without constantly thinking of your non-drinking status. It's just getting to that point of total acceptance that's the hardest. Set aside a little time each day to check in, make yourself accountable

Wishing everyone a wonderful AF Thursday!

Lav

[KENSHO]

Happy Thursday! Day 4 of this challenge week for me. I had drinking thoughts again last night - but guess what? I didn't stay up to work, I went to bed. HA! The draperies and sofas can wait! There really are some important instances to push to get work done, but they are fewer than I used to think. Protecting my quit is more important than "getting it all done".

Hope everyone finds a way to be grateful for sobriety - just don't drink TODAY! Anyone can make it a day!

[Hanna]

Well. Update.

I asked my husband if we could talk last night. He said sure. So...my plan was to tell him that I will be patient, and not continue to be an emotional basket case, and give him the time to see that I am serious about being sober. However, I started by asking him to clarify his feelings at the moment. What he said is he is still unsure. I asked what that was coming from, and he said "fear. Fear that this won't be the last attempt". I told him that I believed over time he would see how serious I was and would begin to trust me. His response was basically this "But what about in 5 years, 10 years? I am almost 60" "what do I do if I need to leave you then?" My response was that if I were sober for 5 years, pretty likely I was committed. Also, we have no crystal ball about anything. I could be sober for life but die of a heart attack in 5 years. I don't think he understood what I was saying. I then asked him "when you say you are uncertain, you don't mean 50-50 do you?" He said no....He is more certain than that...much more.

So, basically I have my answer. I cannot do anything to guarantee him in 5 or 10 years what will be. He also made it clear that he has thought about my son, who is graduating and planning to live home for 6 or 12 months. That he would not do anything "until Matthew has the chance to settle in". He basically indicated that what has kept him this long was the children.

I am f-ing blindsided. At least I know what I am dealing with. I am not going to drink. But I guess my marriage is going to be over regardless.

So, I am truly a mess, but I am also a survivor. I am making plans. There is a website called meetup that has tons of different groups to meet people. some are for singles and I am certainly not there. But many are for other things. I signed up for a "7-11 mile hike" Sunday morning at a nearby state park. Yes it is Easter but I don't celebrate and I guess either do the other 8 that signed on. I signed up to go bowling next sunday afternoon. Nothing that involves drinking, but I need to start to carve out a life for myself.

If I am sounding strong, I am not. But I am in survival mode, so there you go. I have to believe there is more to my husbands decision than the drinking, since he does not want to even give me the chance to show him I am through, but I guess it really doesn't matter much, does it?

[Byrdlady]

Hanna,
Trust me, none of us here are marriage counselors, but from what I read, it sounds as if you are FORCING him to make a decision now. As I said before, only TIME will tell. You just wouldn't believe how many ailments quitting drinking DOES fix. You have to EARN his trust and how long have you been sober now, two weeks or so? Sorry to say this, but it took about a year for my husband to REALLY believe that this was it. As AL addiction folk, we have become masters at deception. Yes, we have lied before, just so we could keep our relationship with AL alive and well. I felt blindsided, too, but in reality it had been building for many, MANY years and I just didn't see it. I wanted to make sure that if I quit drinking, HE WOULD STAY....after all, if I was giving up ALL THAT, I wanted some guarantees. Well, guess what, life doesn't come with that kind of warranty. I just had to TRUST that it would work out.
I also learned that if I moped around and made life miserable for both of us, this would make his decision to leave EVEN EASIER! Instead, I tried to be FUN and upbeat! I wanted to become indispensable! I wanted him to miss me when I left for work..... and he did! In reality, he missed the ME he married. The AL me sucked.
All of this aside, let's talk about the elephant in the room....how is your relationship with AL? Have you REALLY come to terms with it?
We are all pulling for you, Byrdie

[Hanna]

No Byrd Not forcing. As I said, I wanted him to know he has all the time in the world, but...seems that is not enough. Anyway, not avoiding the elephant in the room. I am not drinking, ever. It has done way too much damage to me and those around me. I am done. I have had thoughts but immediately they make me sick. That is where I am at with that.

[Overit-still]

Good morning! I have that same headache. Took something for sinuses hoping that is the cure.

Dutch-I'm sorry that you feel betrayed. That is a horrible feeling to have. It makes you questions everything at that point. Unfortunately, I have to take the 5th on this one. Not that I have told that particular lie but I've told tons concerning my drinking and my behavior. And in my book, even though that one seems like a doozy, to me a lie is a lie is a lie. Kind of.....anyway, I hope you can reel in these feelings and forgive. Lilbit is right about how freeing that can be. Sorry friend.

Everyone else, busy day, headache and really tired.

[Marylou123]

Hanna,
My heart goes out to you. A bit more than a year ago, I was in a very, very similar place. Except he moved out. That's the day I took control of my life, back. Brydie, with trials so much like ours, gave it to me straight. She is right. Time changes everything.

My husband was back three weeks later, in separate rooms. Oh, he's almost 60 too. Very slowly, we are repairing, and changing, our relationship. I don't drink and I won't drink. I want a sober relationship and so does he. And he deserves it because, the longer I am AF, the clearer my past paths of destruction, and denial, become. Our marriage is far from perfect- but after a year sober, my husband has faith in me again and trusts that I won't drink -- so that particular marital problem is off the table.

I'm going out on a limb, but it seems to me that 'carving out' your own life as described above is accepting that your marriage is over. He's still willing to talk to you, express his fear(s) and worry about you and your son. You also have time to continue to build trust and his FAITH that you can do it. And you can because you are! But he won't see that, or feel your desire to build a better future together if you're not around.

I truly hope you find some peace Hanna - keep your quit forefront and please know that time will help heal this wound.

[available]

Morning nesters

Well a day off woo hoo. Ex hubs still here and all going well, he actually is a nice man, just not suited to me. We have had a laugh and some good conversations and it has been really good for me emotionally to face up to my anger. it has been healing.

Hanna only you can decide how this will be played. If i was with a drinker and i was the sober one, i would not believe at all that you were done with drinking after a few weeks when you have been drinking for years. Giving up is one aspect of becoming sober, staying sober is the hardest to achieve. You can be as determined as anything but you still could drink. We have seen others on this site having to stop drinking as their family dynamics were in jeopardy only to feel defensive, deprived, angry, and resentful. These thoughts boil and simmer until they get the f**k its and figure they have lost it all so they may as well drink and show them. As the oldies have said time is what is important and showing that it can be done. Rome was not built in a day!

Dutch, keeping and holding anger is harmful to everyone. I have just spent two days with my ex husband and had to forgive him for 17 years. I need to forgive to move on. What she did was wrong yes but were you fully there when you drank? I always say it takes two to make a marriage and two to keep it going. Enjoy what you have now, we cant live in the past. i dont want to live in mine anymore. It is truly freeing to not be angry at ones that have hurt us anymore. You have another little one coming now, enjoy what you have sober. In a years time life will be so much different.

byrd you are so right in that time makes a huge difference and we arent counsellors of any kind. What we all have in common is al and dealing with what we created by drinking. Then we have to learn to deal without al and fix what we created by drinking but as time has gone on i know that i have forgiven myself and others have also learnt to trust me again. i will never drink again, i will never lose what i have gained over 16 months of being sober and its not been easy but anything worthwhile is not.

take care all. xx

[Guitarista]

Themes of forgiveness and trust in these posts. 2 things that go right out the window within ourselves and those around us when we are drinking.

For me, i have seen that time can be the repairer here. That is, sober time for us.

Keep cool out there. G

[LilBit]

Lav, I am trying the L-Glutamine. I did snarf down a dark chocolate treat before taking it, though. They say that a little dark chocolate every day is good for you. Then again, that's what they say about wine. Already, I feel less of a choco-craving, so thanks for the tip. Hopefully tomorrow I won't wake up with a shameful telltale brown stain around my mouth mumbling "Ghiradelli...."

[Matt M.]

Hanna, ( and I say Hanna but this is for all of our recoveries

I followed your postings and really haven't had much to add that hasn't been said. I sincerely feel your pain and hate what the effects of Alcohol has on us, our families, jobs, the ripple effect is mind numbing. I just wanted to reiterate a few things that have been said. At 44 years old 3 kids and married to my high school sweetheart, I have been in your shoes and still am in a sense, in repairing all the shit I royally fucked up over the last 20 years.

I don't how long you have been married to your husband, or how long you abused Al. From what I can see this man has stayed with you for whatever the reason kids, money whatever. He has stayed. During that time if your anything like me, he has likely watched the revolving " I'm sorry" door " This is it, I'm done, and I'm really sorry this !time" and other countless broken promises. So in his defense, (and believe me I'm not taking sides, I know it takes two to tango, and I get it) in his defense, can you see where " I'm really sorry, I'm so sorry, this is it!" etc...can you see where he translates that into " Watch out she's about to do this shit again!"? because for the last however long that has been the case. I so understand you want him to believe you this time, but do you really blame him?

8 months ago I stood in front of the love of my life, as she commenced to tell me, that we needed to get our affairs in order and begin the process of becoming independent, she wasn't leaving me right then, she was preparing us for the inevitable, and that would be me drinking again. I'm pretty sure she was repulsed at the site of me. Guess what I did? I began to worry and drowned her with the " I need an answer now. " Are you leaving me? Do you love me? yada yada....

I was a chronic relapse and I really thought this what it, and believe me the first 5 months, she followed through and began looking at our finances, whose name was on what, stuff to prepare her life with out me in it.
Some things I have done different this time, the LAST time. I just backed off and did what Byrd was saying, I carried on the best I could, trying everthing I can to show her and my family, with ACTION, that they were my world. I have changed my verbiage, I know longer say Im sorry , I say I was wrong, so very selfishly wrong. In my mind, I was right were you are at, I had come to the conclusion she was done with me. I cried myself to sleep on many occasion. Yet I knew that if I put half of what I did drinking into saving my marriage it could be done.
There is still a lot of work to do in my house, believe me singing angels in the distance aint happening , time and MY ACTIONS are healing this sucking chest wound that I alone created. My drinking was the cause for the screaming and yelling arguments, finances, housework, self health being ignored.

Again I do not know the details of your situation, my wife was as cold as it sounds your husband is, but I have not doubt her coldness was from 20 years of Hell, as bad as I want it to be fixed NOW. Its just not reality.

Stay Hard my friends & whatever you do don't take that first drink!

[LilBit]

Good morning! I have that same headache. Took something for sinuses hoping that is the cure.

Overit, there's some kind of nasty sinus bug going around. I caught it in the second week of my quit and it lasted nearly two weeks. Ugh! Please do all those immune-building things like taking zinc, getting adequate rest, etc. Here's some virtual chicken soup for you. (Don't look, Stella!) At least, it's a lot easier to kick a bug when you're not dehydrating yourself nightly. Your headache might also come from the caffeine decrease. Whatever it is, I hope you feel better.

This morning was challenging at Chez LiLBit. The dog raided the cat food during the night and woke all of us at 4 am with the trots. In the process of hosing down the dog's backside, my fiance had a gagging session and eventually hurled out back. And someone mysteriously stopped up our toilet, although not with paper towels. That would have been cute. This was, well...not. 'Hoping Good Friday is a good Friday with no drama!

[Hanna]

Good Evening Nesters-

Over-it. I am so sorry about your headache...they suck. I hope you feel better after a good night's sleep. If it persists, you may want to see if you need an anti-biotic...

Thanks again to all of you. I am sorry again to throw up my marital crisis crap here. However, the responses were very helpful, and I realize I need to get a grip and be very, very, patient.

Ok. Enough of that. I am sticking to what worked before to keep from drinking. Namely, having that late afternoon snack, and if I still feel the urge, going right into early dinner. It really does work for me. I met my daughter for dinner after work today, and it was really nice to be with her. I am now in my PJ's and ready for bed shortly. Getting up early to hit the gym. I took next week off completely since I have a ridiculous amount of vacation time, no vacation plans, and not in the best frame of mind to do what I do. I think it was a smart move. Just need to make sure that I have those late afternoons covered and planned for.

For those of you in colder climates, winter weather must finally be coming to an end. Here, we are getting ready for the very hot summer months.

Happy Easter, or for those like me, Passover. We will be spending tomorrow night with my husband's parents, and Saturday night with mine. I can do this.

Oh and Lil bit....your story is hysterical! Probably didn't seem so at the time

Night all

[available]

You are a treasure Matt and thats what i love about mwo it puts into perspective our lives and the hell we put others through. This is not only about us, it is about how we destroy everything that we hold dear and how we need to heal ourselves. We seem to create a "ripple" effect with our drinking and to stop that means we have to stop drinking. We have to accept what we have created and we have to own it and then we have to change. I never thought my drinking affected others, only myself. Now with time i have proven i want to change, i have proven i love those close to me, i have proven that they are way more important than a bottle and most importantly i have proven to myself that i am a good person if i dont drink ever ever again, once i drink again i start the vicious cycle that i have escaped.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Boy did I ever have another challenging afternoon & evening with my grandsons. Separately they are not bad but together - oh boy
Yes, they are part of the reason why I would never invite AL back into my life!

Lil, you certainly take the prize for the most 'interesting night', ha ha!!!
Would it totally gross you out to know that at least one of my dogs fancies chicken poop? GAG!!!
I hope you have a peaceful night tonight.

Matt, Hanna & everyone dealing with relationship issues please try to stay calm & just stay on plan. Like Byrdie mentioned, you have no idea how different everything will be in a year's time. There is just no overnight fix for these things. Sometimes spouses decide to leave a full year after you quit. Guess what? Turns out most times their issues have nothing to do with you & everything to do with them. Then four years later they come back. Talk about odd - yeah, that's what I'm dealing with these days. I firmly believe that as long as we don't drink, everything will be OK!

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav