Newbies Nest

[Matt M.]

Thanks Linda!
Don't most people bury treasures?
:heartbeat::heartbeat:

[LavenderBlue]

Checking in and also a belated thanks for the kind words and advice yesterday. Yes, I definitely overthink things and sometimes it really helps boot my head out of that gear just to hear that isn't normal. Not in a mean way of course; but exactly how you guys did. <3 I think I get caught up in "I have to do this thing perfectly" and it doesn't even matter so much what the thing is, you know? Like it's my responsibility to plan out every detail, and that's really not true. It's almost funny in this case because I've been on the other side of the interview chair before, and I know I don't expect perfection from applicants! So thanks for the reality check, it was much appreciated.

Had a good night tonight, got some nice compliments earlier tonight. My brain started to overthink them (I never realized how often I do that) but I've been redirecting it. I'm allowed to be pleased when I do something well, I don't have to look for ways I could do better all the time.

So much good advice on forgiveness, trust, and relationships the last few days! I lost the comment, but I think it was Lilbit who said something that really hit me about sometimes having to forgive someone more than once. I hadn't thought about it that way before, and it gave me a bit of relief about some folks in my own past that I sometimes have to re-forgive.

On related topics, I know in my past I've gone really heavy on folks asking them for decisions or how they feel about me. And I got worse about it while I was drinking. I know how much it hurts when you just want to KNOW...but I also remember now that I don't respond well when people do that to me. There's been conversations in my past that the other person pushing made me want to give an answer that was a lot more negative than it would have been given time. Not trying to give advice really, just thought I'd share the thought.

Hope everyone is taking care and having a good, AF day/night/evening. And thanks to everyone for being here; it's really helpful just to know you guys are here and you understand where I'm at. <3

[Pavati]

Hi, Everyone:

Thanks for the posts, everyone. I love MWO!

The thing that struck me was that the further away I have gotten from alcohol, the more I see how it affected me in ways I didn't even consider. As the Bubble Hour hosts say, the longer I am sober, the worse my disease gets. I blamed all of my problems on anything BUT alcohol - I knew I was drinking too much, but really just was thinking about how it affected me directly. Now I see how it affected everyone around me, whether or not THEY know it was alcohol. Of course, as you all have said, getting alcohol out of my life has not solved all of the problems of the world, but it is all so

I have had some challenges the last few weeks, and the amazing news is that not once have I considered alcohol as a solution. Well, today I thought about it when I saw a beer in the fridge - just to test where my brain was. It said, no thanks, I don't want that. I can think much more clearly without. What an amazing feeling!

Jennie - Glad you checked in - I was worried about you. Easy enough to check in - you don't have to read and respond to everything!

Off to take care of a sick kid.

xo
Pav

[Matt M.]

Pavati~*I blamed all of my problems on anything BUT alcohol - I knew I was drinking too much, but really just was thinking about how it affected me directly. Now I see how it affected everyone around me, whether or not THEY know it was alcohol.

Great stuff Pav, there is no telling how many incidents or issues I had with people around me, that was caused by my sickness, and some didn't even know it.

[Dutch1988]

Yeah I agree with Pav, The farther away from drinking I get I realized how I was using it as a crutch. I have decided I am going to have to do a bit of personal development because I still have these random spells of depression/anxiety and I really don't know where they are coming from. Im pretty sure it's what pushed me to alcohol in the first place, and although it's much more manageable without alcohol, in still struggling with it. I'm going to try and start meditating again and see if even ten minutes a day makes me more mindful of my thoughts I can figure out where these negative feelings are coming from.

I'm going to take everyone's advice and just re forgive my wife when I feel random bouts of anger against her. I really don't think she did it maliciously, she actually had her own reasons that were pretty good at the time, at least not like she was just doing it for no reason. The farther away I get from drinking the more I realize I chose to do a lot of things that didn't move me towards what I really want out of life, or what she does. So I can't hold a grudge if she popped a kid out early, I'll just shoot for an early happy sober retirement playing with grandkids😎

[TJAF]

This morning was challenging at Chez LiLBit. The dog raided the cat food during the night and woke all of us at 4 am with the trots. In the process of hosing down the dog's backside, my fiance had a gagging session and eventually hurled out back. And someone mysteriously stopped up our toilet, although not with paper towels. That would have been cute. This was, well...not. 'Hoping Good Friday is a good Friday with no drama!

LilBit I can relate. A while back my wife and kids were away and I was home alone. I came back from a long day and found that my 150 pound Newfie had the trots all over my Berber carpet. For those in the know this is a very difficult carpet to clean. I pulled out the carpet cleaner and began cleaning. It was horrible. As I moved along I noticed that the smell was becoming intense and I swore there was a bit of a fog, but I was in a grove and with my eyes focused forward, I pushed on. After another 5 minutes of increasing fog and smell I turned around and noticed a small hole in the hose for the cleaner. The hole was small enough so it was atomizing what I was cleaning and was pushing out a fog of dog doo. I now had this slowing settling mess of brown haze covering everything. I immediately threw the steam cleaner across the room, rolled the berber carpet up and tossed it outside. Several hours later and many bottles of Lysol I could finally claim victory. Poor dog was huddled in a corner the whole time while I glared at the poor thing! Thanks, I think, for the memory.

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters & happy Friday to all.

Cloudy with the promise of rain all day, at least it isn't snow. I'm heading out with Easter flowers to leave at our parent's grave sites today, just something I feel I have to do.

Dutch, we can't change the past so forgiving someone is the healthier & saner thing to do! Forgiving them isn't excusing their behavior. I have a hard time with the forgetting part, honestly. Redrawing boundary lines is helpful to me

Wishing everyone a wonderful AF day!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Good Morning, Nesters!
Wow, with the dog poop stories!
Hope everyone is securing his/her plan for the holiday weekend! Don't be one of the folks who say, "I got offered this ____ out of the blue and just took it without thinking!" Play out scenarios in your head and come up with ways to protect your precious quit! NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING is worth starting over!

I hope your weekend includes all GOOD things....as it relates to our quits, we are either contributing to it, or contaminating it. I do what I can to contribute to mine.

Jennie (and others), I had a crazy busy week myself, and even tho I couldn't read back and comment every time, I checked in. This is something I impose on myself. Lav does, NS does, the P-Ava Twins do.....we check in every day. This may seem like a pain in the keester, but it's these little things that contribute to the overall big picture. Complacency is our enemy. It takes WORK to GET sober, but it also takes it to STAY sober. I have seen countless people get sober over the years, but unfortunately, I haven't seen but a fraction of them keep going with it over the long haul. That is a real shame, the hardest work is right up front. (front end loaded) I hear, "I really WANT to be normal and checking in to an AL site every day reminds us that we have issues"....well, that is exactly what I need....to be reminded that I am NOT normal. I can wish it and hope it til the cows come home, but I will never have a normal relationship with AL. So I've replaced my wishbone with a backbone and I am doing the heavy lifting. Still. There aren't any shortcuts to long term sobriety that I've found...and I LOOKED. Stay connected! It's worth it. I understand it sounds preachy....but when I see things happen over and over again, it becomes a trend. If I were falling into a trend, I would appreciate it if someone told me I was heading for the ditch. (Thank goodness someone did....it was Lav!)

I hope everyone has a peaceful day! It's just Friday, not a ticket to BoozeVille! XXOO, Byrdie

[Matt M.]

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What Byrd said about the daily check in. Guilty!
If I'm really serious about staying sober or being success at something, why would I feel the need to reinvent the wheel? Quite frankly this has likely been the reason for past demise. Most successful people likely followed a blueprint that led them there. The long term sobriety members in our rooms are here everyday. Sounds so simple. Why do I like making things difficult?
I know this is nothing new, figured if I put it in writing, there is some accountability there.

Stay Hard and Stay Close!

[LilBit]

Hey, everyone.

LilBit is basking in the glory of 30 Days AF by writing about herself in the third person. :sohappy:

Thanks, TJAF for the cathartic dog poo story. I do indeed feel better. A Newfie, a Berber and an atomizer -- Oy!

On forgiveness, I agree with Lav -- it isn't necessary to excuse or explain the infraction away. It took me a long time to realize that forgiveness is an act of will -- not an emotion -- and that you can still maintain healthy boundaries while forgiving someone. It doesn't mean what they did was OK. It simply means you're deciding not to hold it against them and carry the weight of it. Many times, I have to say to myself, "I am choosing to forgive this person, no matter how angry I feel about it right now." Then, the next day I feel a little less angry and I say it again. And so on. One day, I wake up and the hurt and anger are barely distinguishable anymore. So, if the dog pooed on my Berber I'd choose to forgive him (decision), eventually get over my feelings of loss (emotions catch up) and then darned sure never let him near another nice rug (maintain healthy boundaries).

How fitting that we're on about forgiveness on Good Friday. It's so underrated in terms of what it does for you: restoring your health, liberating you to a new uncluttered future, and freeing the Universe to give you amazing gifts that fill the void left by all those negative thoughts & feelings. Sounds like letting go of AL.

Thanks, BL for reminding us about checking in. I can absolutely say that the type of thinking and hubris you described were what sabotaged my earlier attempt to quit. Well, that and thinking I could eventually be so strong that I could mod. It took me six heinous years to learn better and now I gratefully have a twig forever attached to my derriere.

Happy Easter, Passover or Spring weekend, all!

[NoSugar]

Hanna, I'm a little late to the relationship discussion but some of what you wrote rang a very familiar bell with me. I am very uncomfortable with uncertainty and it sounds like you might be, too. You'd almost rather have your husband say he's through than keep you hanging.

It reminds me of when I had a weird, apparently chronic illness in the past and just wanted to know what it was even though that information wasn't really going to make me better. I couldn't stand the "not knowing". Fortunately, I had a doctor who didn't want to mistakenly label me and so would not "sign off" on a diagnosis.

Now, did I really want to have rheumatoid arthritis?? Heck no! And when my symptoms gradually resolved and my health returned, I was so glad I hadn't pushed for that label just so I could avoid that uncomfortable uncertainty. It might not have changed anything but on the other hand, it might have opened the door to being prescribed some really serious medication that you really don't want to take unless you have to. And it turns out, I didn't. That was 20 years ago and the symptoms have not returned.

It sounds like you want to save your marriage, Hanna, so I really hope you can give yourself and your husband the time needed for that to happen. It might not feel like it right now but uncertainty is better than the wrong solution.

xx, NS

[Hanna]

Thank you NS. Yes, you are right. The uncertainty is a killer, and I am trying not to reflexively respond to that. I know that I caused this mess. I do. But I am human, and so there is the fear of uncertainty, as well as feelings of rejection/abandonment. The impulse is to beg him for an answer, or alternatively, to get defensive. I am trying my hardest to do neither. I am trying to just move on, be the best I can be, and show him through my actions that I am not drinking. I am also trying to shore myself up so if we don't end up together, I can be in a place of strength rather than weakness. I am going with a group on a hike Sunday morning. I asked my husband if he wanted to come, and he said no. I am going to go anyway.

Tonight is the first night of Passover and we will be spending it together with my husband's parents (in an assisted living). Not really a drinking trigger, but Passover includes (lousy) wine, and because it is Friday, it has to be after sunset, so dinner is not until 7. I am going to eat my dinner before I go, just to be sure. I am really committed to not drinking, no matter what happens. Tougher in some ways during such a stressful time, but I am committed. I never want to do this again. I had no idea how much my drinking impacted my relationships. I do now.

Hope you are all ready for a nice holiday, what ever holiday that may be.

With love

[Hanna]

Oh Lil Bit

Are you 30 days today??? WOW. Huge congrats!!!!!! Catching up to you as fast as I can!!!

[LavenderBlue]

Checking in - and on the topic of that checking in; I was MIA from the boards for a few months and then came back. I tend to figure I wouldn't have come back if I didn't feel like it was important to me. I try to at least read during the days I don't have much to say, and I learn a lot from what others post.

The doggy stories are reminding me to be thankful that we put in hard flooring a couple years ago! My dog still finds carpets to mess sometimes - he threw up a little in here the other day and it's taken a few doses of Nature's Miracle to get the smell to go away - but at least the main room is easier to clean now. I have many not-so-fond memories of cleaning doggy diarrhea out of the old carpet, ew. I remember one time at work a little kid threw up his ice cream in the aisle and the other employees were basically hiding - I took one look at it and thought, "Oh, seriously, this is SO much less gross than last time my dog was sick!"

Planning for a quiet day, I hope. I did some really good things this week, but I'm feeling tired all over now so I think it's time to rein in my "must do all the things!" and spend some time relaxing. I checked yesterday and I'm up to having lost 40 out of the 60 or so pounds I gained drinking, so that feels pretty good. It's just something else I know I need to be patient with - geez all this patience stuff, you'd think that was an important thing to learn or something!

And LilBit, yay you on 30 days! \o/

[jane27]

Special shout out for LiBit rocking 30 days!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2PGNA2u_HI (come-on-come-on and wiggle it, just a LILBIT) :moonwalk: