Newbies Nest

[Pavati]

Hi, All:

Dutch - I'll concur that it was a much slower process than I anticipated. I thought, Oh, I guess this is it. I'll feel fine, just fine. Each week that passes I feel better and better - and I am 1.5 years in. It surprises me how all of these small things are coming together for me now, and how I feel so much better. There is a pink cloud effect when we first quit - WHOO HOO, the yolk is off! - and once that goes away, the flatness can feel like a real let down. After all, we quit alcohol, we didn't quit being human. Being human comes with a lot of ups and downs that keep coming and coming. Life is not all rainbows and unicorns, but I will tell you that I see them a lot more often now. Stick with it!

Matt - awesome find of your first post. Yes, Spring, we all felt pretty much like that - stick close and read, ready, read.

Lil - Isn't it wonderful to read a book and not have to re-read the chapter the next night?! I can't wait to read your novel...

I'm sorry I can't write more - very late again as I am getting to bed.

Night, Nest,
Pav

[Dutch1988]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. BL My brain immediately became defensive when I read that I must be going through the star of bargaining, so you probably the nail on the head. I even caught myself at my weekly meeting for work thinking about ordering a drink, which I haven't for weeks. I think part of it is having a birthday today and my mind has always associated that milestone with drinking since I started. I really appreciate your post, and although I have read through it multiple times I think I should make my own personal toolbox from the one on here. Just going to keep focusing on telling my mind I'm in it for the long haul, and that I don't need to drink to be happy.

Lav, Ava, and NS I will take your advice. I can't remember who, but someone on here mentioned how drinkers tend to be very goal and achievement oriented, so it's nice having that drink to come home and unwind to. Frankly though most of my goals I don't even care about lately, as long as I am still able to pay the bills it's like my brain could care less. I write all this, but maybe it is all just black and white thinking...I still have been doing a lot of things, even if it's not as many times a week as I would like. I think I believed initially that drinking was holding me back from doing these activities so I naturally assumed when I stopped I would be doing much more, not less than what I was capable with a hangover.

Pavati maybe I am just used to the numbing effect of alcohol on beig human. The only comfort I have is that I have some days where I wake up and I just feel amazing. I have a brother who is bipolar and he thinks I might just be developing mania/depression lien himself. I feel like this could be right and yet I dont, aside from having energy and doing what I thoght I would do when I stop drinking, I don't do anything else mania like, if that makes sense. I usually just feel really good about life and where I am. Then there are days like today and yesterday where I give zero f***s. Maybe this is just like you said, life! You are going to feel better some days than others so I should get used to it. I. will take it a day at a time, here's hoping tomorrow is one of those massive accomplishment/successful days.

I really appreciate the advice I get on here. I know I post here everyday and like a journal so I don't expect anyone to respond to something I write, but whenever I have a genuine question or ask for guidance I get an extraordinary a out of information that I can reflect on, it has greatly aiding me. I hope to return the favor in the future to newbies on here.

[available]

Happy birthday Dutch and a sober one to boot, may you have many many more. I'm doubting the bipolar theory also, its just your emotions rocking along. So many highs and lows in the beginning of quitting. I evened out kind of after 8 months but dont ask my kids as they still think i am a nutter. my son told me not long ago that every conversation he has with me is an adventure, i had to laugh at that one!

God if i was given a $1 for every time i posted when i stopped drinking i would be a bloody millionaire but it has gotten me to where my quit buddy is - 1.5 years. I looked at that number and thought "that can't be true" but it is and yep this is life we are living now and its sober and its what the so called normal people do and have been doing while we were getting drunk.

God forbid i am getting a throat infection but nothing will stop me in my quest to shop until i drop. Time for a nap and then back to it i say.

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters, happy Hump day to all

Ava, take care of yourself, geez!

Dutch, Happy Birthday!
Birthdays bring out all sorts of unexpected thoughts & feelings, you are not alone. It took me a good deal of time to sort it all out too.

Wishing everyone a great AF day!
I will be watching my grandsons today so I will be busy

Lav

[abcowboy]

Happy Birthday dutch!

[Byrdlady]

Good Morning, Nesters!
Happy Birthday, Dutch!!! Let me grab some balloons for you! :balloons:

Stopping addiction is a B____! If it were easy, there wouldn't be sites like this and organizations like AA (I almost put AAA, the auto club!) Matt, I imagine as you went back and fished for your first post, you saw names and people that came and went. People that, at the time, you would SWEAR would get this. I found this place in 2009 and finally joined in 2010, I have seen thousands of people come and go, and come and go....and come and go. If you saw this experiment on paper, you would think we were all nuts to keep reintroducing AL to the equation. Unfortunately, we don't live on paper, we live in a world that is promoting AL. This is tough and there will be tough days. The great news is, that over time, the GREAT days outnumber the tough ones, until they are nearly nonexistent. This is the time to bolster our support, not abandon it. Hard work brought us to where we are and it takes work to maintain it. We are feeling better because we are not drinking...so keep not drinking!

Stay the course, I promise it's worth it! I wouldn't still be here if I didn't believe it with my heart and soul. Some of the people who have the longest quits are right here on this site and they post all the time, so that is my plan, too. Dutch you are so right about just getting your thoughts out and using MWO as a journal of YOUR progress. If someone responds to it, even better, but the posting is for YOU! I can look back at my early entries and it is a real testimony to time. I am SO glad I have stuck with this. Remember, sober people have bad days, too!
Kensho, I had to chuckle to myself during your note, if I had a really bad day, I would call it a 'Brown Liquor Day'. (even tho white liquor was my poison of choice). Great job of pushing thru the crap. So proud of you!
Hope everyone has an easy day! May all your lights be green! Byrdie

[paulywogg]

Happy birthday Dutch I just wanted to say that I read an article about how some people are actually wrongly diagnosed as bipolar in early sobriety, just cuz of all the ups and downs, around and arounds,some days I'm happy as can be, others grrrr,feel like a bear!I can only listen to long termers and pray it all settles down,but moody or not it still beats the creepy person I am while drinking, or after drinking too

[Overit-still]

Whew! Here I am! Couldn't find my way out of a paper bag

Dutch's Birthday? Bird-where's the cake?

Happy Birthday friend!

[Hanna]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DUTCH!!! Hope you have a wonderful, sober birthday.

Hi all. I want to share the anniversary card I wrote to my husband yesterday, for our 19th wedding anniversary. For anyone who does NOT think their drinking has a huge impact on your relationships, as I didn't, please read this and give it some thought. This is where my drinking has gotten me...

I wasn’t sure what to do about our anniversary this year. Do I give you a card? What do I say? So, instead I decided to just write you some words expressing my thoughts:
While I don’t know what is going to happen to us, I am trying to learn to live day to day, and let things unfold as they will. I cannot begin to express my deep sadness and regret for what my drinking has done to me, you, us, our family, etc. I only know that I never, ever want to let my drinking harm me or anyone else again.
I know it is impossible for you to understand. I don’t think anyone who has not experienced it personally really can. But the truth is, I have been ambivalent for many, many years about alcohol. I mean, I really, REALLY wanted to solve this problem, but this problem is one that convinces me at the same time that I don’t. It is such that in light of all the obvious, I often could not see how destructive my drinking has been. Sitting on the fence for so long has personally been very frustrating. I can only imagine how it has been for you. There was never any maliciousness in my poor choices. It is hard to explain how this works, but my own thoughts, at that witching hour, were that drinking was a good decision. Even as my rational brain would tell me otherwise. I cannot tell you how often I would feel regret even as taking the first sip.
I know you said it “sucks” that it took this (the reality I may lose you) to get to this point. But from what I have come to understand is that, for many, if not most, it takes something truly dramatic to break through that ambivalence. I feel like I have finally “fallen to one side of the fence”. Can I promise unequivocally that I will never drink again? No, I cannot, not iron clad. But I am pretty damn sure of it.
I still get those thoughts urging me at moments. However, I am choosing not to listen to them, and they are starting to fade. I am doing what I need to do, such as eating something, which miraculously rids of the thoughts/desire. I am using tools.
I am lucky, in a way. I have just a small window of time, on any given day, that I have to struggle. Starting at 5, until I eat dinner, and then all thoughts are gone.
Anyway, I love you very much, and hope we can move through this time together and get closer than ever. I hope more than anything that we have a 20th anniversary we can truly celebrate, but only time will tell, I guess.
So, strange as this anniversary card is, happy anniversary to my husband.

I am staying the course, no matter what.

Have a good day everyone!!

[jane27]

Happy Birthday Dutch!!!!!

[LilBit]

Morning Nesters, and Happy Birthday to our quitriplet, Dutch and hi to my other bag-wearing quitriplet, Overit.

Lav, if I see the Stella hopping off a bus in my neighborhood, I'm running and screaming like a sissy girl. They look like they know.

Hanna, congrats on your anniversary. I know that you feel that you're just hanging on to the marriage sometimes, but keep on hanging. You never know what sheer tenacity can do.

So true, Pauly, about the mood-er-coaster. Add perimenopause to the equation and you sometimes get Linda Blair-like head spinning moments.

Yes, Pav to reading a new chapter instead of rehashing the last one! It's even worse when you're rewriting them.

I watched an Intervention episode last night: Sandi, a 64-year-old grandmother who was snarfing a liter of rum + wine + beer every day. At 120 days, her transformation was amazing, but the amount of pain she endured was written on her face. The story resonated with me because my initial major trigger was similar: watching, helplessly as my son endured a devastating and intractable seizure disorder that left him in a nursing home forever with only a 10-12-year-old mental capacity. I get that there are things in life which hurt so much that all you want to do is to blot them out. But, as my favorite author, C.S. Lewis said, "Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do." The same can be said for drinking to dull the pain.

[LavenderBlue]

Good morning, Nest! I realized today that I'm starting to really see the changes in my outer life now, and that's really nice. Just before my drinking was at its worst, we'd been doing some remodeling here, so there's been half-finished projects sitting around for years in some places. The kind of thing that's easy to ignore (epecially if you're always drinking!) but slowly I'm getting those taken care of. It feels nice to sit here and know the room is looking more like a room than like a storage space that I shoved my computer into. I forget sometimes that taking care of that stuff IS also important, since I deserve to spend my time in surroundings that make me feel good.

It's also SO much easier to throw things away sober! I remember at one point wondering if I needed to get counseling because going through old things always upset me...and no, no that was just all the drinking messing with my head and my emotions. I'm still a little prone to keeping things "just in case" but it's down to a reasonable amount, now. I think part of it was that I wanted to keep everything from when my life had been better, as if holding onto the objects would remind me that I USED to be proud of myself. Now that I can see a path ahead where I can be proud again, I don't feel so much like I need to keep them, maybe?

LilBit - I don't know about anyone else, but I'm sure I "rewarded" myself more than I needed to while I was drinking. It was another excuse to drink, not that I saw that at the time. "Oh yeah, I TOTALLY 'deserve' a drink because...because I just did a bunch of laundry!"

Byrd - Just thanks again for your thoughtful posts; no matter who you're addressing they tend to remind me to check myself, in a good way. I think for me, I spent so many years thinking, "Well of course that advice is good for alcoholics, but I've just got a small issue so it doesn't apply to me." I know better now, but that doesn't mean the AL brain never tries to play tricks. I'm definitely in the realm of feeling like it's easier to not try to juggle "just a bit" since that's something I can't seem to do. Not EASY, just easier. And more effective. It was you and the rest of the Nest that really helped me get to that point, though - I wish there was a good way to explain that no one here forced me or brainwashed me...I just looked at what you said, looked at where I was at, and realized quitting completely made the most sense for me. Ok, not "just" since that was a huge thing for me, but you know what I mean.

NoSugar - I definitely struggled (and still do) with the "Ok, now everything should be better, right?" thinking. It's really helped when folks like you remind me that it's a process and it took time for you, too.

Ava - The "three things" is exactly what I did, on the advice of my mom, actually! I felt so overwhelmed by all the things I needed/wanted to do, but by focusing on three things a day I was able to make progress and feel good about it. I still use that on days that I feel crappy or overwhelmed.

Lav - Thanks for the encouragement and reminder that it's not just me with that issue! A part of me doesn't like saying I'm "in recovery" but when I unpack it, that's exactly where I am. And anytime I hear about someone in recovery (for anything) I always hope they're focusing on themselves and their healing...so if that's the advice I'd give to anyone else, maybe it's something I should listen to myself, huh?

Pav - It's so awesome to hear it's still getting better, plus a good perspective check! Even though it fades, I'm still thankful I had my "pink cloud" time. I know it can mess with folks' heads (and I think I remember getting annoyed when folks called it that) but it also gave me a taste of the joy I'd been missing for so long. It was like a preview - "stick with what you're doing, and things will get better." I wonder if it hit me that way because I remember dealing with my depression when I was much younger - I'd reached a point where I literally didn't know what was normal anymore, so even though it took time to balance out, the first few times I felt real joy were amazing to me. (I hadn't really thought of that until I started typing, so thanks for spurring that thought. Think it'd be good for my own toolbox to remember I've been through that and it also got better.)

Dutch - Happy birthday! I'm thinking the others are probably right and it's more likely recovery feelings than bipolar, though I can definitely see where it could seem similar.

Hanna - Congrats on your anniversary! I know it's really hard for you two and I don't want to say the wrong thing, but for what it's worth I have a lot of respect for you deciding to take control and get sober.

LilBit, again, lol - I love C.S Lewis, too! I'm always amused that when I was a kid, I never noticed the allegory of the Narnia books, but when I branched out to his other writing I really enjoyed his perspectives and thoughts. I avoided watching Intervention for the longest time, not sure if it would trigger me; but I watched a couple episodes a few weeks ago. I remembered that I used to always be scared I'd end up in an intervention situation with my family since then I'd be "found out." It's definitely something (I'm not sure what, just something) to be able to watch it now and realize a)that actually might have been really good for me and b)it's not something I have to worry about now.

I think I talk more when I wake up with a lot of energy, lol. Ok, I'm going to try to put that energy to use; hope everyone has a great AF MAE!

[NoSugar]

Hanna, I hope your husband can read your words and really understand your meaning. I'm sure everyone here does but as you've found, it is hard for anyone who hasn't had the experience to "get it". He must wonder how anyone can be ambivalent about whether or not to drink when the drinker and everyone around her can see the problems the drinking is causing. It must look to him like a simple choice. He hasn't had the experience of the alcoholic voice and craving - of being torn apart by 2 strong forces from opposite directions. I heard an analogy the other day that I kind of like because I think visual images we can quickly draw on are helpful - we have 2 little dogs, a red one and a blue one. The red one is our addiction and the blue one is our sobriety. They can't both survive but which one will is up to us -- the one that we nurture and feed! You have been taking care of your blue dog, Beth, and letting the red one go. You'll never regret it.

I definitely struggled (and still do) with the "Ok, now everything should be better, right?" thinking. It's really helped when folks like you remind me that it's a process and it took time for you, too.

LavBlu, It still is taking time and I hope I continue to change and grow. One of the gifts of escaping an addiction is that in the process, you really have to examine your life.

In our world, very few people take the time to do that. They are way too busy working, striving, attaining --- they are human doings, not human beings, as I read recently. I was like that -very goal oriented and focused on achievement. I knew I was missing something and dabbled in spirituality, introspection, mindfulness, etc. but didn't take it very seriously or stick with it. Wine as easier - it gave me a big time out from all of that hollow doing but it wasn't until I stopped drinking that I finally started learning to just 'be'.

It's kind of funny to me when I see and read about the things all you guys are accomplishing now - eating better, getting fitter, working harder. Really, I applaud all of that and am very happy for you but I actually do less of all that now. I was very fit when I was drinking and I was doing creative projects non-stop in what I now see was an effort to mask and compensate for what drinking was doing to me -- I was trying to convince myself than it wasn't hurting me because look at all the things I still could do and do well! I was often being told I looked good and that my projects and work were great. I used all of this to convince myself and those around me that I was fine. Most of them believed it but deep down, I knew the truth, as we all do.

Don't worry, I haven't turned into a candy-eating couch potato who never cooks or creates. I still eat well, exercise, cook, and make things but now I do it because I want to. I focus on and enjoy the process without so much concern for the product, and am pretty unconcerned about what others think (other than those who have to eat what I make :smile. For me, this is a much better way to be.

[Hypernova]

Just have a minute to chime in. After reading all the great posts above I can see clearly this is the place to be. I am sitting tight and listening to words of wisdom about how this will 'get better' for me. Just wanted to pop in and say that last nite had dinner at home w/SO and she didn't have a drink and I asked her if she wanted a beer or wine and she declined. Didn't think much about it & enjoyed the food. After dinner she poured herself one whiskey on ice and I didn't need one ounce (:happy2 of control to not drink b/c I didn't even think about it. That's progress for me.

[LilBit]

LavB, I'm glad to have found another C.S. Lewis fan. I always liked "The Silver Chair" best among the Narnia books, and have only recently realized that it seems to be about addiction. The Prince, made vulnerable through tragedy, succumbs to a poisonous temptress who imprisons him underground in the dark realms. He's bound in an enchanted chair every night, which he believes is the only thing that keeps him from turning into a monster. The point at which he breaks free and destroys the chair is a triumph.

What I find fascinating is that the temptress had convinced the prince to invade his own country and rule it under her control. Like addiction, it's a poor substitute for what was already his to begin with.

Good stuff!