Newbies Nest

[LilBit]

Lav, as always, you're a rock. Hugs back.

Actiongirl, I like your name and thanks for your wishes.

Kensho, thanks for the hugs and hope you found a good treat last night.

Jane, I hereby place these worries in the coat closet. I laughed when I read your post. How true. "Expert denial" should be on my resume and, darn it, I should get some benefit from this well-honed skill.

Pav, thank you. Yes it's stressful but I've made up my mind this morning not to let it rob me of one moment's joy and peace while I'm waiting.

Byrdie, thanks so much -- my mom and older sisters have all had scares too, so that's a good sign.

Yeah Dutch, as Roseanne Rosanna Danna once said, "If it's not one thing, it's another." I can think of much crappier situations than mine.

Woohoo, Kairos! You survived Day 1, which is really the hardest one in many ways. Welcome back, lots of water today.

Welcome, ToMy. Happy you joined. May 1 is a really cool quit date and I'm glad you decided it's time. No matter where you are, there will almost always be drinkers but I'm finding as time goes by that no one really cares what's in my glass. Plus, if they do, they probably have a much bigger problem than I do.

Last night, my overactive imagination combined Byrdie's uber-realistic relapse description with my experiences of the last 24 hours into a vivid dream. I was supposed to skate a performance piece but -- forgive me, guys -- my breasts were hanging down below my costume skirt like gonads and I was so distraught that I downed a bottle of champagne. I was so happy to awaken and realize that neither really happened. LOL!

[Matt M.]

Good evening Nesters,

It turned out to be a pretty decent day outside after all. I invited my DIL & grandsons for dinner since my son is at work. Matt knows about those 24 hr shifts

Going thru life with a 2 glass buzz huh? That's interesting I never thought of that in the past & just not interested now I guess. It takes time to completely settle into this AF life but it will happen if you just wait. Ignore the thoughts, ignore the comments & ignore what everyone else is drinking. The only important thing is what you are drinking/not drinking. Right?

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

I've heard of these 24 hr shifts you speak of?:battered:
It is so very vital to have a family support network when working in Public safety, my mother and MIL help out so much. Your son is fortunate to have you, as am I

[Matt M.]

Good Morning, Nesters!
Happy Birthday, Dutch!!! Let me grab some balloons for you! :balloons:

Stopping addiction is a B____! If it were easy, there wouldn't be sites like this and organizations like AA (I almost put AAA, the auto club!) Matt, I imagine as you went back and fished for your first post, you saw names and people that came and went. People that, at the time, you would SWEAR would get this. I found this place in 2009 and finally joined in 2010, I have seen thousands of people come and go, and come and go....and come and go. If you saw this experiment on paper, you would think we were all nuts to keep reintroducing AL to the equation. Unfortunately, we don't live on paper, we live in a world that is promoting AL. This is tough and there will be tough days. The great news is, that over time, the GREAT days outnumber the tough ones, until they are nearly nonexistent. This is the time to bolster our support, not abandon it. Hard work brought us to where we are and it takes work to maintain it. We are feeling better because we are not drinking...so keep not drinking!

Stay the course, I promise it's worth it! I wouldn't still be here if I didn't believe it with my heart and soul. Some of the people who have the longest quits are right here on this site and they post all the time, so that is my plan, too. Dutch you are so right about just getting your thoughts out and using MWO as a journal of YOUR progress. If someone responds to it, even better, but the posting is for YOU! I can look back at my early entries and it is a real testimony to time. I am SO glad I have stuck with this. Remember, sober people have bad days, too! Kensho, I had to chuckle to myself during your note, if I had a really bad day, I would call it a 'Brown Liquor Day'. (even tho white liquor was my poison of choice). Great job of pushing thru the crap. So proud of you!
Hope everyone has an easy day! May all your lights be green! Byrdie

What a great post I overlooked, you never cease to amaze me...

[Matt M.]

Hi, Nest:

Great article, Ava. Thanks for sharing.

Hanna - One thing about alcohol, is that it controls your decisions. It is not as simple as having will power to say no to something - it is an addiction that is IMPOSSIBLE to say no to until and unless you get some help in some form or other. I remember talking to my therapist the first week I quit and saying that I didn't want to go to AA because I didn't want to think or say that I was powerless over anything. She said something to the effect that I was right - I DID have the power as long as I didn't drink. Once I chose to put alcohol in my body, i was ceding the power to it. After all, that well-intentioned "just one" and staying 'til two didn't happen to just me. I do think that it is very hard for others to understand - maybe if he could read something or talk to someone in al anon? It was a nice letter - happy anniversary and I hope it all works out to your liking.

I am still on the hamster wheel this week - looking forward to jumping off sometime soon. In the meantime must...go...to...bed...

In the words of Matt, stay hard, my friends.

Pav

Pav- You have achieved Rock star status with me, no credit needed for anything I have to say. What's mine is yours!
You can use stay hard friends Ill use
Stay hard freaks and weirdo's!, I'm partial to freaks and weirdo's, anybody that can relate to what I got going on "ain't right"

[Matt M.]

Hi Everyone. I'm checking in because I'm feeling a little wobbly tonight. Not that I want alcohol or its repercussions, but I just need an escape from my relentless work schedule. I came home and had a good dinner, and am putting my kids to bed. I will look for something sweet when they are down - and remember how much I would regret entertaining the beast.

I'm sure I'll be fine - just helps to say it.

Have a good night - will check in more later when I get a moment. Well, actually the first moment I get I will breathe. THEN I will check in. Support to all...

Strong work Kensho, thanks for sharing this with us!

[jane27]

Good MAE Nesters,

In 1984 I had mono. After it subsided I had recurring and debilitating Epstein's Barr. Around the same time I developed narcoleptic tendencies. Without medication or an alarm clock, I could easily sleep 12-14 hours a night. During that same time period I frequently walked in my sleep- one time I made a sharp turn into what I thought was a an open doorway but was actually just wall, spilt my forehead open and went right back to sleep. I have a deep scar to show for it because I never did get stitches. Also in that time frame, more than once I woke up in the middle of the night, got fully dressed to do to school, and nearly made it out the door. I cant remember what stopped me. One time my Dad caught it and turned me around. A few months later, he did the very same thing, only it was me that caught him fully suited with briefcase heading out the door at 4am. I have also cooked in my sleep.

In my 20's, I started eating in my sleep. During this time, I struggled with insomnia- I would get into bed at 11pm and semi wake up at 2am to find myself eating. For this I was semi conscious. If I had food in the house I ate it. Anywhere between 1500 and 3000 calories. When I got tired waking up feeling bloated (and discovering empty packages of cookies, crackers, cheese, leftovers -whatever all over the kitchen), I got rid of all the food in the house. I was tired of not being able to eat lunch with my friends at work because I had gorged the night before and felt bloated (and full). It wasn't long before I began eating totally raw, uncooked pasta. It hadn't occurred to me to get rid of that too. I do not recommend chomping on uncooked Penne. I wound up requiring root canals in half of my molars because I cracked the teeth eating the pasta. I only did this 2-3 times before I got rid of the pasta too, but the damage was already done. 20 years later, those root canals are slowly starting to fail and I'm having periodontal problems that are symptom free (they remove the nerve when they do do root canal). Recently after having a fever for 3 years, I went on a quest to determine the source (in conjunction with quitting drinking). One piece of it was an abscess at the root of a molar where Id had a root canal. Wouldn't have even known about it if not for the cat scan I had due to recurring sinus infections. Had oral surgery for that in January of this year. Fever is gone.

I have always had extremely vivid dreams- mostly highly detailed nightmares. Recurring themes include the ability to fly, falling down and not having the leg strength to get back up, not being able to dial telephone numbers on the cell phone without making mistakes or because the cell phone is complicated, my husband hating me, and terroristic events (explosions, fires) including terrorism itself.
Last nights was a doozy and I woke up feeling like I had been ruffied. We ordered in pizza last night, and I know no one drugged me, but it sure feels like I was drugged. Am groggy, have a massive headache Its 1240pm and I could easily go back to sleep until 5.

Ive also been experiencing skin tenderness that is local to specific areas (left side of middle back, portions of a finger that can switch from one finger to another and feels like a cooking burn.) My back feels someone raked it with needles- and as though there are open cuts. There is nothing.

I have add and also get restless foot syndrome every night around 10pm usually while trying to stay awake to watch a tv program. If I push through it, the sleepiness feeling goes away all together, and I could easily stay up until 3am. Night sweats are the norm.
Bothering me the most is how groggy and drugged I woke up feeling ( and after extensive, realistic nightmares). I am wondering if anyone had has similar experiences? In the weeks before I quit drinking I had brutal nightmares, but those subsided with sobriety. What goes on now is more sporadic, but troubling in the feelin that Ive just woken up after having had general anaesthesia. Apologies for the length of this.

Thanks

May post this under general too. Please forgive the redundancy.

[jane27]

TMH,

Im glad you got to this point. Its so much easier. Its tough for the first handful of months but eventually you'll level out and actually feel better mood wise than you did drinking. I am a huge glutton and extra is my middle name. If its bad for you, has to do with breaking rules, or offers a high- I usually like it. I'm not proud of that. Not drinking falls into the vice category. It is THAT good, and I realize that to someone that still drinks, this is going to sound stupid, goodie-goodie, spiritually freaky, new age-ish (anything contrary to the way you feel and type of person you are).

Like you, there was a long stretch where wanting to quit drinking was directly connected with feeling unhappy with my weight. That is a never ending cycle and a fools game. Drinking or no drinking, maintaining a weight I'm happy with is an ongoing commitment. I totally understand gated community living with activities that revolve on a well greased, lets-meet-for-drinks machine (before/after/during- whatever- eventually it'll likely become all 3) . This makes it more challenging for you, but I know you can do it. Being sober isnt better for me because its healthier or means less calories. I am way happier and more stable sober than I ever was when I was drinking. And now that I am sober, I can see pretty clearly that all the drinkers I was associating myself with- they're not that happy. They're hooked and looking the other way.

I'll bet no one can stop you when you are passionate about something. The trick is making quitting drinking the same. You have to massage the desire to quit, and build strength and resolve in the accumulation of days. It will feel like uphill skiing in the beginning. That's the power of alcohol addiction- which there is no reason on earth to believe in or hunker down against (just turn on the tv, Don Draper on Mad Men, Rob Lowe on West Wing, Kerry Washington on Scandal- they are look pretty good to me) Its the only way. Good luck. Hoping I haven't come off sounding like a zealot- something else it takes a while to figure out- and this is IMPORTANT -the mindset that you are in now (wanting to quit- saying NO MORE), that feeling is a lot like winning the lottery. It doesn't happen that often, and you cant fabricate it. Wishing you strength. xo

[Byrdlady]

Jane, thank you for your post...what an odd set of symptoms!! I don't even know how to respond except that I hope someone comes along with a similar set of issues to help you. Wow, you have been thru the meat grinder with some of those things! I hope you can get some relief!!

ToMyHealth, welcome aboard. We're so glad you're here. There just comes a point when enough is enough! I tell you, I've never regretted ONE SINGLE day that I spent sober (1563 of them!) I live in a beach community and there is a LOT of booze on this tiny island. If I can do it, I know you can, too. As it turns out, everybody isn't drinking like I thought they were....that's what I WANTED to see. Thru sober eyes the world looks a lot different. So glad you've joined us here in the nest! Byrdie

[LilBit]

Wowzers, Jane! What a lengthy ordeal for you. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that.

Some of this seems that it may be neurological in nature. I'm not saying it's definitely so (!!!) but complex partial seizures would explain some of the behaviors and symptoms. I learned from caring for my son (who has the gamut of seizures from generalized tonic-clonic to simple and complex partial) that the area between conscious and unconscious is indeed a murky one with many different levels and facets. When he's had some types of seizures, he awakens groggy and sluggish with a headache as you described, and during the complex partial seizures he acts out various routines in a semi-conscious state. If your symptoms are neurological in nature, don't panic! It's very common, and controllable with medication for most people. All that said, remember that I'm not a doctor (but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.)

As for dreams, well, reference my "gonads" dream on the previous page. 'Nuff said! 'Hope you get some restful sleep soon. Through all this, remember that your body heals when you're sleeping. If it's like mine, it has some serious catching up to do.

[ToMyHealth]

Well, thanks for the wondeful welcome! It was 4 yrs ago that I stumbled across MYO. I've mostly lurked & spent time with the modders.
NS, you wouldn't believe how much I have thought of you, and how you reached out to help. Thanks, Lilbit, yes May 1, May Day is a good quit date. Jane,thanks so much for your perspective. Ah, Byrdie, I know,I know.
This a.m. I was tying my sneakers on way out for my walk and announced to dh I was quitting drinking. He said he was too except for Sat nite. We had company for dinner last nite. She brought bottle of wine & finished it. We were no better as we opened large bottle & finished it.
I volunteer at a hospital in the blood donation center on Fri afternoons. Dh came in to give platelets, & then we stayed downtown for a dinner date. Italian. He ordered a Chianti. I had water and did not feel deprived, righteous or anything. We had 2 cars & I ran an errand after dinner which included buying a journal to document this journey. Nice feeling to not not have the interest or worry about my driving. Hope this makes sense. So this Day 1 is almost over. Tomorrow is a golf tourney with Kentucky Derby party after. My plan is to order club soda with cranberry. And I will have my first sober weekend in a long time.

Thanks again for the warm welcome!

TMH

[LavenderBlue]

Quick fly-by tonight! It was a busy day - in a good way. I completed my first online article for someone else (as opposed to just personal blogging), ran errands, hit my exercise bike since it was raining, and a few other odds and ends. I started redoing my resume, too - a local animal shelter is hiring for a part time assistant and I think I'm going to at least give it a try. I know the folks who work there through my pets and a previous job, so I'm not as nervous as I was last time.

I'm headed to the zoo with my mom tomorrow, and I'm legitimately so excited to be able to spend time out there sober - both being out there and spending time with her where I'm actually present. I remember very clearly the last couple times we went and they aren't great memories. She'd taken me out there to help with my moods since it's one of the things that can usually cut through my depression; but I spent the time fidgety and waiting for my next drink. I wasn't snappy with her (I don't think) but I know I was distracted and pretty much wasted what should have been really good days. Well, not this time!

Neat moment while running errands today, though. A police car ended up right behind me for most of my trip. I don't tend to speed or anything, but that always makes me so nervous that I'm going to do something wrong! I was thinking, though, that even if I got pulled over for something, at least I would definitely be sober.

Support out to everyone struggling with things and hello to those I haven't seen before. Sorry not to respond more, but know you're all in my thoughts and I'm rooting for you!

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

I had a nice day, totally grandkid free too, ha ha!!

Welcome back TMH!
Glad you decided to give AL the boot too. We've had so many success stories here, just do what they do

Matt, I'm just happy that my son & his family are near by so we can help out. We worked insane hours in our own professions & remember arranging childcare was a nightmare. Sometimes those damn 24 hr shifts turn out to be a lot longer, don't they?

Jane, honestly, you made me think of my daughter when I read some of your symptoms. She had mono back in high school & over the years has developed some CFS symptoms. Fatigue, joint & pressure point pain, severe allergies & even a bit of asthma. She found a good bit of relief after visiting a naturopath who pointed her to a gluten free diet. She's also know to be a sleepwalker - strange because I did it when I was young too & now my granddaughter is starting too.
I sure hope you can find some relief soon :hug:

Byrdie, I hope the family visitors behave themselves!!!!

Lil, you doing OK?
That dream sounds terrible but funny at the same time

Looking forward to a decent weather weekend. Not looking forward to dog sitting my son's two Goldens this weekend. I fondly call them the "Insanity Twins" - pray for me, ha ha!
Wishing everyone a peaceful & safe night in the nest!

Lav

[frances]

Have you been al free all this time Frances? If so I'd love to know how many days I'd have had under my belt if I'd kept on going. (we were just a day apart) and I left for the trek about 67 days I think. But here I am again taking action again and that's what matters.
K

Kairos -
"Here I am again taking action again and that's what matters"....YES! That's the truth. AL does have a sneaky way of creeping back in, I have been there oh so many times. To stop that, it seems that you really do have to take it off of the table as hard as that is to accept.

As for your question, no, I have not been AL free since you left. I had a completely unexpected situation come up at Thanksgiving time and had what I term a 'slip' - nothing serious just a couple of drinks on a couple of occasions, but nonetheless I broke my quit. I wrote about it in the relapse in retrospect thread. I am back on track but I am not counting days on a regular basis any longer. But I do know my days, including where I would have been, but it is on my other computer at work. I'll send it to you when I get it.

[jane27]

Nesters,

Below is a link to an article I enjoyed. I found its tone alternative to the AA model on quitting drinking (the author actually attends AA meetings, so I don't think this was her intent). AA's reputation for helping people to quit drinking and remain sober speaks for itself - I respect its success in helping people achieve peace & gain control of their lives. My own run at AA (when that's all there was because I hadn't found MWO yet) made me feel guilty, ashamed, humiliated, branded, dirty, rejected, damaged & most importantly like a failure. (the tiniest handful of negative). I know lots of folks who have had the same experience.

I never quite understood the meaning of the word 'stigma' until I saw the movie 'The Anonymous People". Here is a definition I found via Google search:

stig·ma
ˈstiɡmə/ 1. a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person. "the stigma of mental disorder"


Here is a snippet from and link to the article.
ps I know you guys prolly realize this, but I am not xojane (we just share the same name

Are You Thinking About Quitting Drinking? Here's What I Know Four Years After Making That Choice Myself
Drinking is great -- and so is quitting it. ~ From xojane.com

"Distinguishing yourself as a person who does not drink -- something that is such an overwhelming part of our social and sexual literacy -- is a very scary move to make. But it can be thrilling.

It is thrilling in the same way that making any kind of commitment to yourself is. Like, say, not beating yourself up for past mistakes or resisting the lure of crazy-making people or seeing the immutable value you hold in yourself simply by existing -- rather than requiring the sparkle and validation of a man's attentions as he buys you a white wine or the prospective boss who clinks a glass of Makers with you to bond.

Everything is illuminated sober. Once you make it through the first several months and then somehow that becomes a year and then two and then three and then you see that this is really not going away -- that you're not going to let it go away -- life episodes that in the past might have devastated you are suddenly no more scary than a tiny child pummeling her fists during a tantrum. You laugh at what had once seemed so terrifying. Humiliation? Social embarrassment? Instead of devastating, it feels amusing and sweet, like the trumped-up monster in a fairytale.
"You were once scary, weren't you," I've almost wanted to say when encountering a situation that in the past would have taken my breath away.

Why is everything so much easier to handle in sobriety?

I think because when you experience everything with no mood alteration -- no elevated drunky bombast and no bottomed-out next day crash from a riding-high roller coaster ride of manic energy -- all of the ups and downs of life become a lot clearer. Evened out, crystallized and illuminated. You can see the monsters for what they were -- shadows against the wall. Or in many cases, simple transitory fights and emotions and just plain old human beings. You realize that no one thing has to mean everything. You start to approach life as if you were the one living it, rather than just passively sitting in the movie theater as events unfold around you.

You even learn to like saying no.

"I don't want to go out tonight." "I think I want to do this instead." "I don't like being around that person." "I feel better when I am doing this." "I'd like to do this other thing to take care of myself."

Here's the link to the full article

http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/quitting-drinking

[available]

Evening nesters

Well i am home and what a nightmare trip it was. One hour out of Bangkok and mum wakes me to tell me she feels like fainting then proceeds to become unconscious. Two lovely nurses (one of whom was in the earthquake in Nepal and works where i do) helped mum. she was very dehydrated and they thought had an infection from a gastric virus she had had. All i could think of was that i was losing Robert and i was not strong enough to lose mum too. Thank god they did not detour the plane as there would have been 400+ very unhappy customers and we arrived okay. The hostesses asked me if i wanted anything and i said "yes a scotch would be nice". She said she would get me one and i said "no, i dont drink" but damn it sounded like a good plan at the time.

So after no sleep for over 24 hours plus i am popping a valium and hopefully going to sleep. I have my fur babies back and they were so happy to see me as were the children. Mum has been taken to the doctors and is on antibiotics and rehydrating fluid.

It never ceases to amaze me that if something is going to happen it will happen to me. I am sure i will find something amusing about our adventure but for now i am grateful to be home and that mum will recover and if not i am not 40,000 feet in the air!

Take care nest.