Newbies Nest

[Byrdlady]

Good morning all. Beginning of a very busy week here! I am heading out of town for business and when I get back on Wednesday afternoon, I work one day and then on vacation! It is a challenge to pack for two separate events! I hope I'm not taking my flip flops to the business meeting and my dress pants on vacation! (sounds like something I'd have done back in my drinking days!)
I hope everyone has a great week! I will stay connected to my support! Hugs to all, Byrdie

[NoSugar]

Hey, it is looking like the Oldbies Nest around here! Thank goodness Sweetie and Hanna stopped by :hug:.

If you're lurking and have never posted or posted before but are embarrassed to come back because you drank or if the long holiday weekend really threw you for a loop -- please post. Except for the rare person who can get all they need by reading, you've got to get involved if an anonymous online mutual support forum is your main tool to get this done.

What do you have to lose? It is ANONYMOUS! You can go make up a new email address to use here if you don't want any connection to your real identity. You can use the incognito function of browsers if you don't want your history tracked. There was no way I was going to an in-person meeting in my relatively small town - if not for this site, I might still be drinking. And that is about the worst thing I can imagine.

You can post whatever you like. Talk about yourself. Ask questions. Encourage others. Don't feel like your posts need to be like anyone else's. Some people manage to address everyone. Others respond only to pleas for help or to posts that directly relate to their own experiences. Do what works for YOU. Byrdie has mentioned this several times -- when we post here, we are doing it for ourselves. We truly hope that what we are saying resonates with someone else and helps them. I know I've helped a couple people free themselves and it has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life but in helping them, I strengthened my own quit. That is why I joined and why I'm here now.

As you write, you truly change your brain. This has to happen or the addiction will stay active. After you've stopped drinking, continuing to write or talk about it keeps those new neural pathways intact.

Take the plunge - it is hard and uncomfortable at first but it won't kill you. And although we don't talk about it much around here, continuing to drink might.


EDIT: Hi, Dutch and Lost and Found! Didn't mean to leave you out. You're both really using the site and sounding GREAT!

[jane27]

Hi Nesters, Last day of mini vaca in Florida. It has been a nice, relaxing time. We are watching a new show on Netflix called Grace & Frankie, starring Jane Fonda & Lilly Tomlin. Anyone looking for a light comedy, check it out! xx

[LilBit]

Great post, NS! I never could have quit without actively participating in these NN discussions. Like you said, it's retraining your brain. It also helps to "journal out" the gamut of emotions that you feel, especially in the earliest days or at times when Life beats you up and takes your lunch money. :thumbsup:

[Hypernova]

Hey everybody! That's about as positive as I can be today. I am having a tough time right now. Guess after using alcohol to stuff my feelings for years I am seeing (not beginning to), but actually seeing that my family is not going to resolve some issues that have been simmering for years. All the while I thought they would see the light and make things right. My mistake. Very painful mistake. Fooled myself. I never realized(or didn't want to see) how totally selfish and uncompromising some people are. Lies, withholding the truth, not being forthright or whatever you want to call it seems to be a way of life with some. Lying is such a divisive force. I'd have to write a book with diagrams to explain. My strong point has always been honesty, just not with myself. I have always been there for my family through the thick and thin of it whether I was drinking or not. Mr Responsibility. So rather than talk about my family I will talk about the only person I can change. ~! I'm not sure I can endure feeling this horrible and being in such a painful spot without drinking. I never have. I know it is not the thing to do and I am mentally tormented right now. I am holding steady and am not looking to give myself permission to drink just don't know exactly how to handle this. I will not drink today is all I can say. Thanks for listening and just for being here.

p.s. ~ had a hard time deciding to post this or not, thanks No Sugar probably would not have w/o your post

[available]

Hyper, we cannot change others and there is no point even trying to. You on the other hand can be changed by yourself with your actions and your choices. Sometimes we just have to walk away as it is the easiest decision to make and i find protecting my quit is the highest on my list of priorities. I have walked away from people in my life that dont want my help and who in all honesty like their dramatic life as it is. I dont need drama i need sobriety. As time goes on dealing with lifes events becomes easier. I was always a people helper, a fixer and maybe that was due to the guilt and shame i carried with al. I could not fix myself so surely i could fix others. I have learnt that is not how it works and i accept that we are all different and all carry our own baggage. Some things we just cant fix and have to accept but we can always be there if needed and when we feel strong enough.

I am glad that for today you will not drink. I will also join you.

[NoSugar]

Hey, Hypernova

Glad you posted :hug:. All I can say is that drinking won't fix or improve anything you're dealing with. It is nothing but a temporary escape. Everything will be waiting for you to sober up and either deal with it or start the cycle all over again. I've had/am having some fairly difficult family issues. I'd love to make it all go away but there is no way I can control it, fix it, or orchestrate others' behavior. I like being able to think about this logically, ask for help, know for sure what I said when I have had conversations, not get overly emotional about it --- and in the meantime, work on developing other ways to deal with these kinds of chronic stresses. I still get stomach aches that I know a glass of wine would help alleviate - but so does slow, deep breathing and focussing on that. This wasn't supposed to be all about me but I wanted you to know you're not alone and you don't have to drink. It wouldn't help and will end up hurting you again.

[peppersnow]

Hi folks...Hyper, I just want to throw in a "ditto" to what Ava said. Although full disclosure, I could just ditto everything she says all the time, advice-wise. But when I was drinking I was always fixing everyone, all the time. Everyone except myself. When we finally stop drinking and realize that we're the only ones we CAN fix, that can be really painful. When I was in the throes of drinking, the alcohol fogged up that mirror and made it difficult to take an honest look at myself, at least until about 3:00 in the morning when I'd be hit by a train of regret and shame. After I quit, what I initially found a bit painful was the realization that the person who was "fixing" everyone else, or trying to, was a hypocrite who was too fearful to try to work on myself through quitting. And then after I started the work, that realization that we actually can't change people we love can hurt, especially when we love them so much it hurts.

Hang in there and don't drink today, and then tomorrow don't drink tomorrow. And so on. :hug:

[Hypernova]

Hey ~ peppersnow, NoSugar & Ava thank you. Just got back from a one hour bicycle ride & I kicked the road's butt. Little stretching and then saw your posts. Would like to let you know how much I appreciate your kind words of wisdom. Guess I am right at the cusp of accepting. It's a process and not an easy one. I would suppose a dose of brutal honesty with myself and acceptance will go a long way. I really feel better already and putting the words to paper does make a difference.
I know the issues still exist but the desire (super strong itchy craving) to drink is gone. It has reinforced me and I thank you for helping me to realize this point.:thanks:

[Byrdlady]

Well done, Hyper. All drinking and eating AT people did for me was turn me into a fat drunk! Living well is the best revenge! So glad you rode the urge out! Great job! B

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters, old & new alike

Hypernova, what you are feeling is FRUSTRATED with the people in your life - boy do I know that feeling!
Drinking AT them was the way I attempted to handle my frustration, it didn't work. I only ended up hurting myself, really beat myself up too. One day I decided it had to be 'them' or 'me' & I chose 'me'. I turned all of my attention & directed all my energy into fixing my own problems. That was the best decision I ever made. Do the same for yourself & you'll have no regrets

Greetings to everyone & sending wishes for a safe night in the nest for all!

Lav

[LavenderBlue]

Flyby checkin!

So, I think part of my moodiness the last few days was because I was catching a bug, go figure! I was running a fever all weekend, just started feeling a little better today. Which is good, since I had to work.

Before I rest up some more, I'll echo what everyone else has said about not being able to "fix" anyone else. It's a tough one for me, too - part of my brain tends to think that if I only do the EXACT RIGHT THING then I can fix things that aren't actually mine to fix. It's harder working on yourself, and tough to accept...but it's also freeing each time I take a deep breathe and try to refocus my energy into things I actually can control (myself).

Good luck all and have a great AF MAE!

[jane27]

Nice work talking through it HN. When I look back at the years leading up to my quit, its so obvious to me that I was drinking in large part to tolerate things that I didn't like or feel comfortable with. For years I did this, because everything was sort of linked up- and when I looked at change from any angle, it was too much to bear. When I looked at the total picture my life stuff was like a giant ball of knotted up threads.

I spent many years drinking because I was overwhelmed by the mere thought of navigating my way out of the mess. There came a time when I began to notice the price I was paying for my drink-to-cope-with-it approach. Severe hangovers, struggling to peal myself out of bed in the morning, heart palpitations in the middle of the night, hands that trembled violently until around 2pm each day. My world started to close in on me. I began to catch my co-workers noticing me look disheveled & like I hadn't showered. The clerks at the various liquor stores I went to- I couldn't not notice them gazing at me with awareness, & even a pinch of concern. That was really a wake up call because it violated a long held, sacred & unspoken deal - I buy whatever I want, and you act like its normal.

It must have been survival instinct that led me to the idea of looking at the picture a piece at a time while wearing headphones to drown out the noise of all the peripheral stuff. It was by thoughtfully working to untangle a little bit at a time that I was able to break down the problems into stand alone issues that were more manageable. I have a lot of family bs too, and I tried all the things I was told to try - setting boundaries, communicating openly, looking at my role in the problems. Nothing worked and unfortunately nothing will ever work. I don't regret the work I put into trying, because in the end I had to walk away. Via process of elimination it was the only option left that would allow me to feel healthy.

I don't know if any of this will resonate with you, but if possible I recommend trying to separate and break things apart into smaller unconnected issues where possible. Don't make yourself sick drinking just so you can put up with people or things that you are not comfortable with, because things will only get worse for you. Its your liver on the line, not anyone else's. There isn't anything that anyone can do to help you if you suffer adverse health complications from drinking. Not just that, all the people being assholes will continue being assholes. There won't be any change there.

Change is scary- big, drastic change is unsettling & even crazy making. Picture what you want your life to look like, and spend your energy planning clever change so that you can adapt and evolve with it, and feel in control. If you can't picture what you want your life to look like, or if sorting it out feels like papers thrown all over the floor, I learned another trick during my years in therapy. Ask yourself what do I KNOW. This one question has never failed me when I needed to identify a present state starting point. Rooting for you and know you can do it.

[Pavati]

Hi, all:

I'm with you, Hyper and Ava. I will not drink today.

Pepper - brilliance. I connected with everything you said.

All you lurkers - I lurked for a while. You can't possibly know how much better it is to finally take the plunge and write a post. I was SO AFRAID for so many reasons, and my first post was a giant weight off my shoulders. Jump on in...

Good night all.

Pav

[LostAndFound]

Hello friends!

Just wanted to share some exciting news that I haven't shared yet with you. My wonderful wife and I are expecting our first baby together this July - July 4th to be precise!!! The due date will be 65 days sober for me :happy2:

We are both very excited!!!!

Oh, and... it's a boy!

LostAndFound