Newbies Nest

[Hanna]

Hello all

Just a quick check in. Still at my sisters and my niece and her boyfriend are here tonight. Just wonderful, and a great distraction and mood lifter. Best day I have had since mid-March. Not looking forward to going home and facing reality next week, but ready to take it on, I guess.
Husband brought me to the airport, and will be picking me up, but not interested in calling to see how things are going here, in spite of my reaching out to him via text (sigh). Learning to get a tougher skin...gonna need it.

However, most importantly, I am sober.
You guys are the best.

[kherriot]

I hear you Hanna, you have to let it be. Like the song. The only one you can change is yourself, trust me, I have tried and it doesn't work. Stay strong, reality is not that bad, especially if you are sober. Believe in yourself because everyone here believes in you. You can do it. One day at a time. Keep checking in, it will keep you strong.

[blackflag]

Hey pav, that's right, well remembered! it's a struggle for me between the two. I play in bands too, which I love doing, but there is a big drinking culture there, as you can imagine, both in the practice room and at shows etc. It's a shame I don't have a car, I'm sure the guys would love a lift to every one which'd mean I wouldn't be able to drink even if I was tempted.

Day 3 for me, going to see my mum and going for a walk, so that'll be nice. Got myself a nice meal planned for this evening too. Have a good one, everyone!

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters,

The summer heat sure is ramping up in my portion of the nest, ugh. I am grateful for my AC

Hanna, glad to hear you are doing OK. It helps so much to focus on doing the best you can do today. Worry about tomorrow when it gets here, right?

blackflag, day 3 is a great day! Great that you have plans for another successful AF day

Hello to everyone & wishing all a wonderful AF Thursday!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Good Morning, Nesters!
BlackFlag, Day 3 is fantastic....you'll be operating under your own power today! All the AL out of your system and blood. Today will be a good day, and that's all we have to worry about, right?

Hope everyone has an easy day...catching up from being out a week...(oh, ain't it fun). Hugs to all, Byrdie

[LavenderBlue]

Checking in, I'm still around just been reading old threads. I'm planning to make some phone calls I don't really want to make today, but it'll be good to get them over with at least. Student loan stuff, as usual. Blech! I do feel stronger making them sober, though, than I ever did while I was drinking. I know I'll be able to explain where I'm at more clearly and understand things better; I also won't feel the guilt of having trouble with them AND drinking all the time.

New job is going great! It is a lot of work, but I love what I'm doing so much that I don't mind. I'm not even as upset when I make mistakes as I usually am - which is probably partly being sober, but I'm positive it's also because I feel like what I'm doing really matters even if I'm not perfect. I have trouble letting myself be not-perfect, so it's a good thing.

I feel like a close friend of mine is getting to the point of not-so-close, which is a bummer. I've spent a lot of time trying to stay close with them, though...I don't know, I'd hate to drift apart but I don't know if I have it in me to keep trying to stay close to someone who doesn't seem to care much if I'm around or not. :/ On the other hand, I'm starting to be more confident in meeting new people, and getting back in touch with folks I've known even longer so that's a good thing.

Staying sober does get easier with time, BUT it's still something I feel I need to keep an eye on. I'm still "used to" drinking through feelings and situations that are crappy, I'm still making sure to have lots of nonAL drinks around that I enjoy and not to forget how bad my drinking was. There are so many threads here with people who have succeeded for years, but there's also many threads where folks managed for a while and then lost it. I don't say that to be mean to anyone - I've been back and forth enough in the past that I sure as hell can't judge - but it is a reminder to me that this stuff is serious and I need to take it as such. For all that I've managed so far, I'm really only at the beginning of getting my life where I want it to be. And most of the time, that's more of a really exciting thing than a frustrating one. I don't want to stop the forward progression, and if I started drinking again that's exactly what would happen.

Take care all, and sorry if I got super serious. Just been thinking a lot about how much of what I'm doing now I never would have (or could have) done while I was still drinking. It's not exactly a bad thing to think about, just...well, sobering though I wish I had a less punny word for it!

[lifechange]

Hello Nesters,
after months of trying to do it on my own, for the umpteenth time the past 4 years, I'm coming back with the hope of getting some support. I know I'm like a broken record and I can imagine those of you who have witnessed my ups and downs and comings and goings might feel annoyed with my inability to be honest with myself/lack of discipline when the going gets tough.
I am searching for a counselor here because it seems I need some extra help. There must be issues I'm not dealing with/not completely aware of. I know that depression and a deep set anger often trigger me into feeling that there's no point, which usually leads to drinking.
But the support here, checking in on a daily basis, is what helped me to get to 4 months AF, which is the longest I've ever managed and which allowed me to feel better than I ever had. I want that again.
I'm so tired of this. I'm so sick and tired of the stress, sadness, hopelessness I'm causing myself by continuing to use alcohol.
I've been able to get a few days here and there and then I decide, F*it, this is too hard. I've been telling myself every morning at 3am that I won't drink again. And then around 3pm I can't remember any of the great tools I learned here. I have been wanting to check in but have been ashamed. I didn't think I'd ever be able to face you all again. But it's at the point where I feel so bad on a daily basis that I can handle the possibility of anything if it will help me to stop drinking. And this morning I went to the Toolbox to remember what I used to do when I felt the urge to drink.. and it helped.
So onto day 2 tomorrow. I'm back at square 1, where my only goal is not to drink.
Thank you.

[NoSugar]

Welcome back, LC :hug:.

[available]

Morning nesters

Well i have the gym bug, up at 5am to get to the gym before work. I had a PT session on Wednesday and thought i would be wheel chair bound on Thursday but i survived. I swear those people are sadists but i lived. It may be a good thing me winning this free membership for 6 months. Gives me an interest, motivates me but i really dont need something else to fit into my busy life.

Robert is having an operation on Monday for a fistula. How that man keeps so positive is amazing. I am pretty anxious about his op as he is not well but i keep thinking the drs would not operate if they thought he would die on the table. If this works he can go home from hospital and have some quality of life so fingers crossed.

LavB i always keep an eye on my non drinking, i am always aware of where i am to make sure i dont have any al. i made a beef dish with red wine the other night and asked the man if he thought i should dare to eat it. what if it set off some immense desire to drink al again. I imagined myself turning into an al monster and going wild but nope and i could not really taste that 1/4 cup through a dish that fed 4 people.

Hi LC and glad you are back. Its all here if you use it and i hope you do. I never thought i could be a year and a half sober and so happy and busy and just so glad i dont drink anymore. Its a good life sober, hard to find and keep but so worth it.

Well its Friday here so i had better get my butt into gear for work.

Take care

[Byrdlady]

Welcome back, Lifechange!
Hells Bells, this is an ALK site, we'd be sorry friends if we rejected a fellow nester because he/she fell. We ALL understand the challenges of this! Hopefully, this will be YOUR time!

There is a commercial about quitting smoking and the guy says, "I quit a lot, and I started back a lot, in the end I got nowhere". Isn't THAT the truth, each and every time we go BACK to AL does put us at square one....no matter how you slice it. One thing that helped me was accepting that I am an alcoholic. Sure, there are many around here who hate labels, and I do to a point. This one HELPED me, tho. If I didn't accept that I'm an alkie, WHY would I take the extreme measures to treat it? My half hearted attempts would eventually be met with "Oh, I'm not as bad as all that!!!" "I've proven I CAN stop, I must not be that bad!" The bargaining went on and on until I talked myself right out of it. Once I admitted and accepted the diagnosis, I began my treatment. The treatment for ALK is NO AL. So far, so good. Any time I get those misty water color memories of the way we were, I remember that crazy lady in my closet drinking 7 desperate gulps out of a hidden vodka bottle. Yes, I WAS that bad. Any time we try to justify drinking we are going backwards in our treatment. So we are mighty glad you are here. Hang in with us here every day and you will succeed!
Not one, not ever, no matter what! Hugs to you, and welcome back! Byrdie

[blackflag]

Evening everyone, today's been fun. Took my mum who's not so well for a picnic, and my local pet rescue place does a thing where you can "borrow" a dog and walk it for them, so we took a lovely lab for a walk little bit of a wobble this evening, but got through it, so that's day 3 done. Hope everyone is hanging in ok.

Hey LC!

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Well, day 1 of the 3 day heat wave is about done & I'm still here, yay!

Welcome back LC. You know this is a good place
Pull up a twig & settle in & stay put. I was sick & tired of it all when I first found MWO back in early '09. Now I have 6+ years of freedom under my belt - wouldn't have it any other way. You certainly can do this too!

Ava, apparently Robert is not ready to give up yet, bless him. I hope you are OK too!

LavB, sometimes it's better to just let some people go from our lives. If they do not have your best interests at heart then they should go. You are moving forward, time for some new friends. Good luck with your phone calls.

Hard getting back to work after vacation Byrdie, I know

Great job blackflag, keep moving forward!

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[NoSugar]

LC, please don't ever feel bad about coming back. We are thrilled to see you! The thing is, once you've experienced this freedom - you just want it for everyone! I love it when people are willing to try again. This can be your time.

LavBlue, I used to read old threads, too. It was really helpful to see the early posts of people who at the time were securely AF. It made me confident that I could change, too.

BlackFlag, I bet it felt good to truly be there for your mom - and that it must have been great for her to have your full attention, too.

I was out to dinner the other night and before we even ordered beverages, they came around and poured those little glasses of Prosecco, without even asking if everyone wanted one. I raised mine in a toast and then set it down in the middle of the table so it was not a problem but it struck me how presumptuous it was and how it could really upset someone early in their quit. You really have to be ready for the unexpected!

[LavenderBlue]

LC and blackflag - I'm glad both of you are here and am rooting for you!

Other than that just a quick thank you for the good thoughts and comments sent my way. I am SUPER braindead right now - making myself make those phone calls took a lot out of me. It's one of the things I used to be much better at before my drinking got bad - because I know, logically, most places just want to hear from you and will work with you on repayment from there. But when I got so behind, plus the drinking, it got in my head that it was impossible to fix things. I guess I don't have to explain to you guys how things can seem true when they really aren't. It was one of the reasons I was nervous about working again, not knowing if I'd have to start paying more than I could afford right away.

Anyway, I was still nervous...I think I was expecting them to grill me about WHY I don't have a better job, why aren't I making enough to pay more of my bills, what's my problem, etc. And then I'd have to decide how much to tell them and...yeah, really easy for me to get wound up about it. And go figure, after about 2 hours on the phone to two different places I've got a plan through the next 10-12 months. No one asked me why I'm not making very much, they just asked for my information and then told me what programs I qualify for.

I don't even know what I would have done if I was still drinking. I don't mean that as exaggeration either, I literally do not know what I would have done if I was trying to sort through it with the worse anxiety and trying to think through the haze of either AL or withdrawals. I was absolutely phobic about the entire situation while I was drinking, I didn't even want to answer phone calls even thought I KNEW that sort of thing doesn't help, and actually makes it worse. I was acting the direct opposite of my normal, sober self who always had great credit and took care of things on time.

I've got to head to bed since I'm working tomorrow, thought I'd at least give an update though! Big picture my finances are still super not at all where I want them, but I have some breathing room to sort it out now at least. And I can stop beating up on myself for not having dealt with it.

[lifechange]

Good morning Nesters,
Checking in on my way to work and I wanted to tell you all how much a appreciate the welcome back and encouragement.
Yesterday I was feeling pretty darn down in the dumps, embarrassed that it's taking me so long to "get it". Today I'm feeling more positive. Like I have another chance at life. I just can't/don't want to get ahead of myself.
I feel impatient about getting to a certain point in recovery, probably that where I left off as I was beginning to live the freedom of a life without alcohol. It's painful to start over. But I'm going to try and focus on the fact that I'm very lucky to have another chance. I want to learn from previous mistakes. Who always says, "Nothing changes if nothing changes"? I want so badly- the change!