Newbies Nest

[crockettaa]

ugh crawling back in here ashamed of myself.

If anyone reads this please say a quick prayer for me. I hate myself right now. Why can't I conquer this? I start out with a plan, I know how bad it is for me, but after a few weeks of success I always convince myself that now I can moderate. I feel so ashamed & embarassed. But I wanted to tell the truth.

[dill]

Crocketta, please don't beat yourself up! With each step you take, with each mistake you make, you are learning. Just learn from this experience and keep moving forward. This is a process and as long as you are trying, you will reach your goal.

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters,

Crocketta, just keep trying & revise your plan to include 'moderation doesn't work for me'. It just doesn't work for most people no matter how many times we try.

Ava, glad Robert is doing OK. Please send some of your winter weather this way

Hi Dill, nice to see you here!

Wishing everyone a good AF Tuesday.

Lav

[crockettaa]

Thank you Dil & Lavande that was exactly what I needed to hear.

<3

[NoSugar]

Crocketta, Aside from not physically drinking, what Lav taught me - and which made all the difference - was to constantly notice and be grateful for every little change for the better that came from not drinking. It's been a couple years and I still have the background chatter comparing my life then to now. All the best - NS

[Mischa]

Good morning, everybody. I woke up to the most beautiful sunny Alberta sky this morning. So pretty. So now I'm sitting in the sunshine sipping a cup of coffee and waiting to leave for work. This is day five for me. Wow.

Last night wasn't as tough as I thought it was going to be. I was pretty tired - is that normal? To just want to sleep all the time? I also still have this blasted headache. Anyway, I put myself to bed around 8:30 because I didn't want to be around my husband while he had is nightly drinks. It sucks that I have to remove myself from him because I like spending time with him. But until I feel strong enough to be able to hang with him and not drink this is what I have to do. I wish he'd quit, but I can't make that decision for him. He's a heavy drinker and has been for a long time. He actually quit drinking for seven years before he and I met. He went to AA meetings and everything. Anyway, who knows what will happen.

Well, I have to get going to the hospital. I hope everyone has a marvelous day. And Crocketta, I'm not one to give advice this early in my quit but I just wanted to give you a shout out.

I will make sure to check in later on this evening. Ciao, everyone!

[Byrdlady]

Good morning, Nesters! Great to see everyone checking in!

Crockettea, if they tossed people out for repeat offenses, I certainly wouldn't be here today. Your quit WILL stick....like Pav's avatar says, You had the Power all along! For me, it took several changes of mindset.... I forget which movie it came from, but the words "Failure is NOT an option" was a mantra of mine (Apollo 13?) I finally had to say NO MORE. I took the option of drinking off the table. The debate was over. I closed the door on it once and for all. How did I do that? All I had to do was hold a mirror up and ask myself how moderating had gone in the past. I spent YEARS convincing myself I could do it. I spent years telling myself I was doing ok at it, too! Unfortunately, I was the only one who thought that...my hubs finally packed his clothes and said he didn't want to be married to a drunk. Hell, I didn't want to BE a drunk. So what to do...what to do???? Oh....THAT. Yes, I had to do the unthinkable. I had to REALLY NOT DRINK. Yes, it was HARD for a while....but once you close that door it gets exponentially easier.... I guess in the same way that death is almost easier to accept than divorce. In death, you have NO choice. In a divorce situation, there is always the HOPE that things will work out...and this is where the agony comes in....that HOPE is what strings us along and makes recovery even longer and more inhumane. It's usually when the other spouse remarries that final hope is extinguished....then the other person can move on. The relationship with AL is very similar (I think). As long as we hold out HOPE that we can SOMEDAY drink on special occasions or have indifference to it or just drink on weekends we are keeping that relationship alive. And believe me, addiction KNOWS when it has a fighting chance and when it is doomed. IT KNOWS. I may have gotten away with drinking less for a while, but it ALWAYS caught up with me. You only get one brain and it knows where you've been. Once I took a HARD look at where drinking got me...it wasn't too hard to say 'I give up'. One drink only leads to another one. Maybe I got away with it this week, but our addictive brains will ruminate about it, jump around celebrating our victory over addiction...and the next thing you know, we have a hangover and we don't know what happened. I played this game all during my 40's....and as a result, I barely remember them. Unfortunately, we can not outsmart addiction (try as I might). If it helps you close the door on AL for good, please know that I pay attention to these things and I have never seen one of us be able to moderate LONG TERM successfully. The rules start bending and the next thing you know they are out the window. Robin Williams said so eloquently...I was violating my standards faster than I could lower them. So it's not just you! I understand the overwhelming urges to give it ONE MORE SHOT....but I would bet my last dime it will not turn out any differently than it ever has (oh wait, it can....it can get worse....much worse). So take it from someone who had more than her share of Day 1's. Get quit and stay quit, it's 1000 times easier than fighting against AL. We will all be right by your side!! We are so glad you are back with us, this is the place to be if you are serious about taking your life back! Hugs to you and let's get going!! Byrdie

[LilBit]

Crocketta, welcome back and a big Amen to everything that Byrdie said. The ability to mod is just another lie that AL tells us. We all want to believe it because if it were true then: A. We really don't have to give up "our friend," B. We don't have to admit that we no longer have control, and C. We don't have to look at the fact that our AL problem really is all that bad.

Early abstinence is scary territory, like stepping onto the moon. It feels uncomfortable because we have to release the false emotional tethers that have held us "in good stead" for so long. But trust me, the framework of the modding belief system is held together with Q-tips and bobby pins. It crumbles at the slightest whiff of truth. But once you let it go, you can look around and realize that you're walking in a profoundly beautiful new world.

You can do this.

Mischa, sleep is good! Your body is already beginning to heal, and sleep is one of its best ways of doing so. So indulge yourself in deep draughts of it and don't worry if your "pillow hours" rack up more than usual. I slept like a bear in hibernation during the first few weeks. I also ate like one coming out of the cave in Springtime. It won't last forever, and your body needs it now.

[lifechange]

Hi Nesters,

Super, duper great posts to come home from work to.
THANK YOU!
Welcome Back, Crocketta!

I had a doozy of a morning-- after sleeping from 830-600 (I'm also sleeping so much, Mischa!) I had to drag myself out of bed and to work and was in such a foul mood. Mostly, I love my job.. but it is, of course, at times a huge source of stress and in the past I've "dealt" with it by quickly downing a few drinks before anyone else arrives. Out of the blue, it crossed my mind this am to do just that.. I am very proud of myself for NOT allowing that AV to talk me into it. What a fight though.. even though I've decided no matter what, where, when, who, etc. that I wouldn't drink, I had to stand very hard-core-firm in my decision. I reminded myself of how many times I've already let myself down by drinking when I promised I wouldn't, how I would f*** up the string of days I've already started (7 days being tomorrow!) and have to start over again (probably not for several months or maybe not ever, what with how hard it was this time), how disappointed my partner would be, how I would surely continue on during and after work and miss after school time with my daughter.. then be up the whole night wanting to kill myself, how my mind would be completely pre-occupied with alcohol again. I sat down and read a bunch of old posts I'd sent to my email address, drank some fuzzy water, decided I wouldn't drink NO matter what, began to work, stayed in a bad mood for an hour or so until I could talk over the stressy stuff with my co-worker (who mentioned I seemed a bit stressed out today), and then was soooooooo relieved that I'd got past the next of hurdles.

As soon as I walked in the door, I came here and read in the Nest-- and I'm so happy to be back with you all. I don't ever want to go back there again.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Glad to see you putting up a good fight LC - you will have nothing to regret

Mischa, keep treating yourself well, it pays off!!

Hey there Crocketta, Byrdie, Lil & everyone stopping by today.
Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest. Not sure if we're getting any more storms tonight but I'm prepared

Lav

[Hanna]

Hello Nesters-

Just checking in. I am hanging in there as best as I can. Actually met with someone from AA who is going to sponsor me...so we will see how that goes.

I anticipate getting served with divorce papers anytime after I give my lawyer her retainer fee tomorrow. Being in the same house with my husband should be that much better after this happens (said sarcastically). Life...ugh.

Anyway, I am not as much of an emotional basket case as I have been, so, I guess that's progress..

[LilBit]

Lav, glad to hear you "battened down the hatchlings." Arrgh, I know...that was awful.

Hanna, hang in there. You are getting stronger by the day. Keep looking for those silver linings. They're there -- I promise.

'Have an appointment with a radiation oncologist tomorrow to set up my treatment schedule. 3-6 weeks of daily zaps -- ugh! At least there aren't any major side effects except fatigue, and as ex-alkies, we're all pros at dealing with that symptom. Heck, I bet that on my worst radiation-tired day, I'll still feel better than those Mondays after boozy weekends. Thinking of treating myself to a sailing kit for my kayak as a reward for getting through the treatment. What do you think?

[crockettaa]

Good luck Hanna & LB with your days today.. Will be thinking of you.

I have traffic court tomorrow at 8am & then the graduation craziness begins. My older kids & inlaws will all arrive for my baby's HS graduation. Going out for dinner Friday night & then party here on Saturday. Those will be my next big challenges.

Hanna I think it's a great idea to get a sponsor. I don't have one yet but I did reach out to 2 women yesterday from my AA here & both were very helpful, spoke to me for a long time on the phone. Very supportive and not judgmental at all.

Ok have a great day everyone!

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters, happy hump day to all

Sun & blue skies here today, yay! Looks like a pleasant day is on the way.

Hanna, sounds like you are doing OK with everything. Change & uncertainty is hard, I know. Try to remain open to new & better possibilities. Having an AA sponsor & face to face support sounds very helpful.

Lil, I really hope your treatment go well for you. So many advances have been made in that field reducing side effects. Stay positive & sail through so you can spend the rest of the summer enjoying your kayak

Crocketta, one day at a time thinking helped me get to where I am now. Focus on doing your best today, repeat tomorrow. You've got this! Congrats to the graduate!

Wishing everyone a wonderful AF day all around!

Lav

[Mischa]

Just checking in. I was unable to post last night because I didn't get home until after 10. I'm in a play and we had our first read through last night. Let me tell you, it took everything I had not to have a drink because, well, that's what you do after your first read through right? I actually argued with myself on the way home. My rational brain won, by the way. :welldone:

Day six is looking good. I'm off to work. Have a great day everybody!!