Newbies Nest

[little beagle]

Hanna I have felt like that. But by not drinking I didn't make it worse.
Byrdie I too was in a self impose prison. Yuck. Glad I learned the key to unlock that.
Mitchy I like bad jokes. I'm looking to more from you. Hang in there. It gets easier and much better.

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters,

Hanna, sorry you had a bad day yesterday. Today will most likely be better. Hang in there with us.

LB, no more prison time for us, right?

Wishing everyone a wonderful AF Monday. Hot & sunny here today!!!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Good Morning, everyone!
Hope everyone is ready to take on another week!

Pav, each time I look at your avatar, it brings memories of 'The Wizard of Oz' to mind, and there are so many inspirational moments in that movie as it relates to our affliction. I remember the scene where the Wizard is behind the curtain, and he is telling each of them how to succeed with their perceived shortcomings....He said, "But you have something THEY don't have....______!" As that translates to us, we have this baffling, irrational, mind-boggling addiction. On our own, few of us ever succeeded....but we have something now, that THEY don't have....EACH OTHER. We now have tools to help us climb out of the rabbit hole and STAY out. It's a lot more than willpower, in fact, willpower alone is virtually useless here. By being part of a group and becoming accountable, it increases our chances of success. Sure there are exceptions, but as a rule, those people who succeed have support. Matt's byline says it all, "I'm 100% sure I can't do this alone". I know I couldn't.

ACCOUNTABILITY is the word. We are really good at dodging that when we are in active addiction. In fact, accountability is the last thing we want. I notice that the folks I know with the longest sober times are here every day....Lav, Mollyka, Jackie Claire, NS, Mick, Little Beagle, The P-Ava Twins, Jane, Ginger....every day!! I want to be one of the success stories, so I'm going to do what they do! Just because I got the monkey off my back doesn't mean the circus left town. I'm one drink away from the rabbit hole. Checking in with my support system is a small price to pay for freedom. It works for me, so I'm going to rinse and repeat. Get some skin in the game...become accountable and stay put!!!

Hope everyone has an easy day!!! Byrdie

[Pavati]

Just because I got the monkey off my back doesn't mean the circus left town.

Amen to that, Byrdie.

I had another NOT lazy day (as I was hoping) - more frustration and having to accept that which I cannot change. Some friends came by and had a drink - first time in a while that I thought - I just want one. It was over quickly, but a good reminder that that circus is right around the corner. Keeping in sober shape is the only way to avoid it.

Sorry you had a bad day, Hanna. It IS over, and as Lav says, drinking wouldn't have helped.

I'll try to check in later. Off to work.

Pav

[crockettaa]

Hello all & Welcome Mitchy!

Made it through the crazy double graduation, 8 houseguests giant party weekend without booze, yippee! I never could have pulled it off hungover. I even remember the names of the nice new people I met.

In crazy catchup mode now, will check back in tomorrow. Thanks Nest for all your support!

[LavenderBlue]

Checking in here, and sending support out! Also thought I'd share a story from yesterday.

I got to do a sober first yesterday...at least I think it was a first? (I'm having super deja vu now and I swear I've already posted this first.) Anyway, sober movie at the movie theater, with my mother. For the longest time I'd drink before I went to "make sure I had a good time" and later on I'd bring some in with me. Double crazy since I'm the one usually paranoid about sneaking even soda in, and I feel guilty since a friend of mine used to work for a movie theater and told me the only way they make any money is off concessions...but for booze, that was "different." I wouldn't drink it while watching the movie, but sneak off to the bathroom. I had a vague idea that this probably wasn't normal, but I always told myself "just this once" and didn't think about it too deeply.

The funny thing (to me anyway) is I actually thought the movie yesterday was pretty bad. There were a few moments that I liked, but little to no character development, contrived romance, plot points that made no sense, I didn't particularly like most of the characters...and I still had a fine time sober. I ate my popcorn, drank the soda I got as a treat, rolled my eyes at the parts I thought were pretty bad and it was just fine. I never once though, "Crap I'd rather be at home right now, this is such a waste of my time."

I remember the last movie I went to while I was drinking, and I had a much worse time even though the movie was better. I found it hard to focus on the plot, kept wanting to check my phone but then not wanting to be rude, and at one point had to duck off to the bathroom as I felt pretty crappy. Part of the reason I'd drink was to feel more immersed in the movie...and crazy enough I "lost" myself sober much better than I did buzzing! And that time - even though I was enjoying the movie - I kept thinking about how I'd rather be home. Sounds like great time, huh? At the time I *thought* it was or I wouldn't have done it.

I was pretty sure I'd have an ok time seeing a movie sober - I used to enjoy it after all. I hadn't realized how much of the experience I was missing by thinking I needed to drink, though. It's so weird remembering that last time, while drinking, and knowing I thought I was having a good time (or as good as I could, anyway) but also remembering all the things that really weren't. And being able to compare it to yesterday. I'm actually thinking about seeing another one today since I have the day off - and for a couple years now I'd been saying movies in theaters were kind of a waste of my time.

[Hanna]

Hello everyone. Welcome Mitchy.

So glad it is Monday and the weekend and father's day is over. Yesterday was a very difficult day. I met my dad for lunch, probably 2 miles from where my daughter made a brunch for my husband. My son was also there. I felt...well...left out. My son spent the rest of the day with my husband and I was alone. It was father's day, so it made sense, but was really sad.

Living in the house with my husband through a divorce is just the worst! My son is moving into his first ever apartment (not including in college) on the 1st, and I expect after that I will be spending many overnights with friends just to avoid this torture. While it is all very "civil", I can't wrap my brain around simple civility with the person I have been married to for over 19 years.

On a brighter note, I got a sponsor (I think I already had posted that), and she is wonderful. I am trying so damn hard to kick this horrible thing, and I get some time, then have a weak moment and say f%%k it. I can't wait to come on here and tell you all I made 30 days.

I was doing a little better emotionally, but anxiety has kicked in big time. I wake up around 5 in the morning and can't fall back to sleep. I have a constant sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. I am trying REALLY hard to just focus on today, but I have so many changes looming and it is just overwhelming.

Outside of the obvious of losing my husband, I am scared to death about finances. It is all so uncertain. And now that we have started with lawyers, it is just terrible. GOD, I so feel like I am part of two clubs I did not want to be members of: Alcoholism, and divorce. A lot to take on.

As they say, if it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger. I may end up an amazon woman by the end of this

[Turnagain]

Hi Hanna -

I am so sorry for all the upheaval and stress you are experiencing right now. You're dealing with a lot that you don't have much direct control over. BUT - there are some very basic things you can add to your arsenal to help you deal with the overwhelm and overcome those triggers to @#$@#($* it!

Most of us never get any training in dealing with stress - yet it's something we all face every day on a variety of levels and you're at 4 alarms. Fortunately, a lot of folks shared tips and techniques with me which made a critical difference in my recovery from alcohol addiction - which is actually the Queen Mutha of Stress. It comes down to 4 basics:

Fuel It - eat whole, organic food. This allows your ravaged digestive system to begin healing the damage that alcohol - and other stressors have caused. Get aggressive about supplementing what your body may still be missing after years of being abused by the toxin alcohol. Did you know that a whole bunch of our feel-good neurotransmitters, including serotonin, are actually produced in our gut? No wonder that alcohol and anxiety go hand in hand. A healing gut means a happier you.

Move It - regular, vigorous workouts help release feel good chemicals in the system.

Rest It - you need 8 hours of sleep Minimum. Make it a priority. Your brain makes critical repairs while at 'rest' - fluids are released to help process toxins which is the kind of brain washing we all need.

Rewire It - We have so much power in between our ears. Alcohol and cortisol from excessive stress damages our brain structure and function. Once you stop the damage, it's imperative to start the repair. Techniques such as meditation help make quick work of this. The added bonus here is that meditation empowers us to begin controlling our mind chatter and replace it with mind peace.

Here's a link that explains how to use a simple meditative breathing technique that you can add to an amazing 2 minute Wonder-Woman restorative pose. I do this just about every day and am so grateful that this simple (and probably SILLY looking) pose can create such a quick and positive outcome:

http://jamesclear.com/body-language-how-to-be-confident

Sometimes while I'm 'assuming the position' I also run through a gratitude list. In the beginning, it wasn't very fancy. In fact I remember having a hard time thinking of anything to be grateful for and ended looking at my feet and without much enthusiasm, I muttered I was grateful to have them! Well. Ok. My list is a whole lot longer these days!

What else can you do right now to move forward? I'm sure you can come up with a doable list that will keep you busy and build on your success. The positive steps you are already taking to deal with addiction is monumental. And your inner Amazon is showing even if it's hard for you to see sometimes. In fact, I think we should start calling you...our Hanna-zon!

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Such a hot & humid first day of summer, geez! Makes me wonder what the next couple of months are going to be like.

Hanna, stick with your sponsor & stick with us. You have a good deal of support, try to remember that :hug:

Turn, nice to see you & thank you for your input. I hope everyone keeps those ideas in mind - so important!

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[Hanna]

Turn again and Lav. Thank you for the responses. It means the world to me. Turn...no question about those tools.

Today, my attorney had the first conversation with my husbands attorney, so the process begins. I saw the first piece of written material with my last name vs. my last name on it. Very sad. I felt anxious, sad, and was ABSOLUTELY sure I was going to drink. But, I called my sponsor, and, at 5pm, ate a gyro, went to a meeting, then visited my good friend who is in the hospital with some weird infection. I DID NOT DRINK. Every day I face the decision at that time of day "do I eat or do I drink?". If I make the right choice, I lose the interest in the alcohol. Even in this very dark time, I feel proud of myself today.

So, for a change, I have something good to say here, and maybe can encourage someone else instead of being the sad one...at least for the moment.

Thank you guys!!

Night

[Pavati]

Hi, Nest:

Turn - that was PERFECTLY timed for me as I feel anxious and stressed tonight. Wonder Woman it is.

Hanna - one other thing, and I know you know this, but I'll say it again (at the risk of repeating myself a million times) - all of those things that are SO stressful and anxiety producing will be made better with an extended period of sober living. I'm glad you have a sponsor and are developing techniques to get through it all sober.

Good night, nest.

Pav

[little beagle]

Hanna I'm proud of you. It is so hard, but you can do it.
Turn that was a great post.
Coming onto MWO and posting daily reminds me of when I was inbschool. The teachers would use the method of making us write lines as a form of discipline. I don't know if this is still used now, but it's a way to rewire the brain. Write 500 times I will not pull hair, or for us write 5000 times I will NOT Drink. By writing this on a daily basis, I think we do rewire our brains.
So here I am today writing my I will Nots.
I will NOT drink. I do not WANT to drink. That crap is POISON!!!

[available]

Afternoon nest

Quite a lovely winters day here. I have the feeling of being pulled in 100 directions and am about to blow into a million pieces. I am pulling every bit of grateful i can out of my butt to just get through the day but the good aspect is I dont want a drink, i dont crave a drink and I know a drink will solve absolutely nothing. It wont make Robert better, it wont make my "village idiot" work colleagues pull their weight, it wont make my house clean and it wont make me feel better in myself, well maybe for a short amount of time but that wont be worth the pain, shame and anger afterwards. So i am plodding along taking each day as it comes, like we all have to do.

Great post Turn and i am thinking i have not been grateful to my feet so now I am!

Hanna stay strong, you can do this!

Its always good to vent, now time for a coffee.

[Londoner]

A rude awakening at the moment.

I'm always look for external sources to bring me temporary satisfaction/instant gratification.

Whether that's feeling more confident around certain people, sitting on my phone to avoid certain situations, using booze on social situations....

It's all about getting back in touch with what is inside. Each fail is making me realise this. It's an impossible battle if I keep looking to the external instead of the external.

I'm finally getting fed up of feeling tired and in a mental fog all of the time.

Even things like keeping a stern facial expression is used to keep people at bay or to prevent me showing true emotion.

Something has got to change. Maybe I have spent so many years avoiding things to keep myself safe that I have fallen off the path of really knowing what I am about?

[Guitarista]

A rude awakening at the moment.

I'm always look for external sources to bring me temporary satisfaction/instant gratification.

Whether that's feeling more confident around certain people, sitting on my phone to avoid certain situations, using booze on social situations....

It's all about getting back in touch with what is inside. Each fail is making me realise this. It's an impossible battle if I keep looking to the external instead of the external.

I'm finally getting fed up of feeling tired and in a mental fog all of the time.

Something has got to chanhe

Hi Londoner and Nesters.

I have also come to this conclusion Londoner. I have all the tools I need within (which includes knowing I can learn more tools to use from joints like this). Meditation it is for me everyday first thing to kick things off to go inward and nurture myself.

Steady as she goes Ava. You are amazing.

All the best everyone. G