Newbies Nest

[LilBit]

Lucky, in case you feel like we're ganging up on you, all these comments about the regular/daily MWO check-in apply to anyone who's contemplating a MWO or other support system absence, even -- especially -- for a short time. I did just that some years ago. Look at my MWO join date. Then consider my new AF Day 1, which was March 4, 2015. The period between those two dates began with a feeling of confidence that I now "knew how to quit" and could therefore "do it anytime." It rapidly degenerated into a living hell of a roller coaster ride that lasted 5-6 long, wasted, self-destructive years.

Like the others who've said so, checking in here, seeing how everyone's doing, reaffirming my quit and the reasons behind it, and giving others a boost up is a part of my day that I can't imagine doing without. I hold a genuine affection for these people with whom I've shared and received so much. But, just like the electricity in your house, it doesn't do a thing unless you plug into it.

[Byrdlady]

Saw this on LinkedIn and thought it was appropriate for us!

[Dutch1988]

I definitely agree being on here daily is major support, especially if it is the only support you have. I have been reading on here daily but haven't posted for almost a week, wife caught a major fever and it wiped her out for quite some time, so I had to pull double duty with work and the two year old. It is nice not to have to worry about doing it with a drink in my hand, I know I did it plenty before, and didn't really see negative results from it, but I definitely didn't like the feeling of waiting for that time I felt it was okay to drink and relax. of course I basically walk around unrelaxed now, and despite drinking decaf green tea, taking holy basil, and meditating, still having a tough time with the stress.

The main reason I don't like posting daily is because I really feel like I just come here to complain, I seem to be addicted to it and I don't think of it as complaining, it is more worrying about things, but it gives me a place to get those worries out and until I find a better way to do it I am going to keep posting here. It's gotten me 128 days so it can't be that bad.

Byrdie I appreciate your post almost a week back about keeping up with the Jones's, I never really thought of myself as that type of person, but the story of the woman losing her hair and being afraid to go outside definitely fits my personality. Here I am worrying about a fungus growing on me and using that as an excuse to feel bad about myself when it really doesn't matter a damn bit in the end. I worry about having money for my daughter's college, pleasing my FIL and MIL by succeeding to their standards, having enough money to live in a home in the best school districts in California, maintaining a standard of living that let's my wife go part time. All of these things we as humans I think are supposed to worry about, but it just seems like my mind stresses about it without even knowing it. I blame alcohol for this, back in the day I would just drink when I felt bad, and somehow it's like it made it difficult to know what the hell I am feeling and why. I can't tell you how many times in the past 4 months my wife has asked me if I was okay and I said no and she asks me what's wrong and I have to say I don't know. It's that kind of thing that makes me know I am not "right" yet, I can't go back and drink. I mean I still feel anxiety going to work at a job that I have been doing for the past 8 years, successfully too!

I did have a breakthough yesterday though, I felt bad sitting on the couch while my wife was upstairs, we were supposed to workout together but she was arguing with her brother on the phone so I was doing our daughter's nighttime routine. I realized I felt bad because I assumed I wouldn't want to workout after eating and relaxing for an hour with my daughter. Since exercise is so important to me maintaining my "image" as a martial artist(which is a whole another problem, here I am still caring more about what other people think than what I actually want to do) I decided I could choose to workout then and get it done instead of feeling bad all night because I wouldn't. At least I KNEW what was making me feel bad and I chose to do something about it.

Lilbit-Glad you have some moral support with your dog, dogs can definitely be waaaaay better company than no company.

[jane27]

I can't tell you how many times in the past 4 months my wife has asked me if I was okay and I said no and she asks me what's wrong and I have to say I don't know.

This may sound weird, but I think its a positive thing that you DO say no, and I don't know. Its important to stay in touch with how you are feeling even when its like an itch that can't be scratched. In fact, I think its critical to keep an eye on the feelings that can't be neatly identified. At least this way you know you have an opponent and can keep your guard up. Blowing stuff off only gives it more power. Keep on taking inventory; its a safer bet! Thanks for your post.

[Matt M.]

Checking in after returning from a much needed vacation. The Muntains of New Mexico are heavenly, conpared to the heat at Hell's gate AKA Texas.

I am so grateful to be sober , I coud just shit myself.
All these years I was convinced that fun was not possible without Alcohol. In hindsight after my recent vacation, My obsession and persistence to have everything revolve around my drinking , My family,especially my young boys were denied many fun things because it didnt fit "My Agenda". This vacation we went to several popular tourist attractions and places, In the past, I would find excuses not to do. Either those place didnt sale Al or I would be plowed and not wanting to drive....
My youngest son is 8, a day after we got home he came up and told me that was the best vacation he had ever been on, it brought tears to my eyes. My first reaction was to beat myself up for all the past vacations where i had failed him, instead I changed that train of thought to an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Grateful knowing that from now on our vacations will be enjoyed without draging the load of 2 -55 gallon drums wrapped around me. Grateful that I have the oppurtunity to actually remember the smles and ecitement in my famiies eyes..
This is a euphoric feeling, to know, that as long as I continue to stay in front of my program to stay sober, i will no longer be a slave to alcohol nor be his bitch.

this may sound like a broken record, yet ican not stress it enough. If your new or struggling, know this about me. For 20 years I was convinced life woud be eternally catatonic without booze, life as i knew it would be over. One thing is for sure, Life as i knew it is over, I coudnt be happier,Yes I have my days were my addiction results jumps up and smacks me, This has only turned into fuel for my quit machine... My Darkest days have become my greatest assets !
Shame and Guilt is one of the main feelings I woud get after a drunk,and i hated those feelings worse than any of the negtive, deblitating affects of drinking, Wanted to share someting- Let me know what you think?


The Alcohol Guilt Trip & How to Escape It.....Matt M.
There was a period in my life (a ridiculously long period) where I became aware that my drinking was not ‘normal‘. I had finally left denial behind and I knew that what I was doing was going to eventually kill me. I hung around in this alcoholic purgatory for several years in a recurring nightmare of not wanting to drink any more but also waking up each morning to find I had done exactly that.
Alcohol is the most devious and insidious drug on planet earth. The first thing it does when we consume it, is interfere with the part of our brain responsible for making sound decisions. Next it make us thirsty! So despite the fact we were adamant that we were only going to have one drink, the drug ensures that we feel the need to drink more and then turns off our brains ability to stop us making that terrible mistake.
Trying to have ‘just one drink of alcohol’ is like trying to knock just one domino down in a huge line of them.
Perhaps one of the aspects of being a problem drinking I miss the least is the guilt I would experience each morning as I awoke (feeling terrible) and realized how much I had drank the night before. Then my shame would switch to panic as I tried to remember if I had embarrassed myself in anyway. I would proceed to lie to myself all day that ‘I was never drinking again’… until the next day came when I would go grab a bloody marry for some " hair of the dog" or decide just one or two drinks with my evening meal would not do any harm. This is the pure insanity of alcohol addiction!
If you are reading this right now and you are full of that guilt over what you did yesterday – use the pain you feel right now as leverage to make the decision that can lead you out of the alcoholic trap.
Even though I don’t drink alcohol any more I still occasionally wake up and have a split seconds panic about whether I drank the night before or not. I can’t tell youhow good it is to start every day knowing that you didn’t.

Stay Hard My Friends!

[little beagle]

Matt I still get that panicky awakening. Oh No! What did I do last night? Nothing because I don't drink. Ahhhhhh. Life is good again.
Wonderful posts today.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

LB is right - wonderful posts today, thank you everyone!!!

Matt, I'm so happy you enjoyed a great vacation with your family. Just think, every vacation, every day from now on you get to choose to be fully present, clear headed & happy. Good for you

Dutch, I have had a certain amount of anxiety my entire life, some of us are just like that. Untreated anxiety in my case turned into depression, even worse anxiety & finally resulted in my trying to self medicate with tons of wine. That didn't work of course. I have been taking an herbal supplement called Amoryn for years now, it did wonders for me & allowed me to kick the wine addiction. Look it up, it's a safe product & quite effective.

Byrdie, I love, love, love your cake work lady

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest.

Lav

[Marylou123]

Hi Nesters,

Check in to let everyone know I'm still here, sober and happy. It feels so incredibly good to be sober - all the time.

Welcome to all the newbies - stick yourselves here with glue (or butt Velcro as some call it!). Read and post - as often as possible. Especially early in your quit. And eat - especially when you feel a craving. Or do anything other than drink AL for at least ten minutes when the urge hits and you will be amazed that the urge will pass. Early in my quit, almost a year and a half ago, I would walk in place for ten minutes. I'm now convinced that the endorphins created by just that very light movement helped me tremendously. Read books about alcoholism and alcoholics (see the What We're Reading thread for some great suggestions.). What videos and shows about the subject. The more you know about this hiddious poison, and its effect on the body, the better equipped you'll be to fight. (Every battle requires intelligence!)

As many of you know, my husband walked out January of last year. That was my wake up. My gratitude to the MWOers who have told heir stories, provided advice, extended compassion or a swift kick in the butt, is overflowing. My husband came back after nearly a month but it was very rocky for the next six months - at one point we were eight days from our divorce being final!! Boxes were packed, the house was on the market, etc. Fast forward - after asking him to work with me one last time, he agreed. That was almost a year ago and we have worked very hard to get back on track. He now trusts me not to drink (such a wonderful thing!). More importantly, I trust myself but I stay ever vigilant. We're going to a two-day marriage retreat next month and I can't wait. And, this may be TMI, but the physical intimacy has finally come back too. Yippee!!

Lucky -- I totally agree with what others have said. Please find a way to pop in and protect your quit.

Cowboy - congratulations on your milestone. You are an inspiration and a fabulous support.

Ava - I'm so glad you had a chance to get together with another MWOer. Hanna and I had two wonderful evenings together last weekend and I can't wait to get together again -- sometime next month I hope. It's so great to make plans with a friend and know no matter where we go, what we do, or who else is there we've got our own backs and each other's. (Love you Hanna!)

Well, bedtime for me. I'll read for a while - Under The Influence - a great book NS posted about in above referenced thread. I'm almost finished with it and will add to the thread NS started when I finish. (FYI - this is an excellent book to learn how AL affects/devastates our bodies. The good news - most if not all of the damaging physical effects can be stopped, reversed and healed with sobriety.)

Have a safe and sober M or E all!

P.S. Beautiful cake Brydie. I want to sit in that chair and eat me way around it!

[Pavati]

Each and every time it led to my drinking again. And to be honest, at least a few of the times, that was my intention. I never would have admitted it up front and it may not have been a full blown plan.. but still, it was in my mind.

Hi, Nest:

LC - that is the key. We don't even actually always KNOW that we have a deep, secret plan to drink again.

Actually drinking is the LAST STAGE of the relapse. Read the others on this paper, and note that "the return of denial" is one of them. That return of denial includes the "I wasn't that bad" or the "I can control it now" or the "It wasn't really affecting my life." We have all been there for sure. We join communities so that others can call us on our s&*t when we show it - I hope you would all do the same for me.

For anyone wavering - read Matt's post. The joys of being actually alcohol free are real. If only one, why not NONE!

Off my soap box. On to bed.

Good night,
Pav

PS - Byrdie - that cake is TOO MUCH. I am jealous of its recipient.

[jane27]

Pav, thank you for that link. Man oh man. Knowledge is power! Xoxo

[available]

Evening nesters

Still damn cold here in Aus but i suppose it is winter.

Great post Matt, we cant take back the past but goddamn we can make a good future being sober. I am glad you are in a good place.

I was so excited today Robert suggested we go to the cafeteria for a coffee, after 2+ months he was okay to go and then he dropped a bombshell that his kidneys are failing badly and he thinks it is time to go home and die otherwise he will just stay in hospital and he refuses to die there. he knows i respect the decisions he makes but it still doesnt make it easier to process. We are going on that balloon ride, he cant finish his bucket list but we can do this. he said he was worried about me when he was gone, i said i would be okay, he was worried i would drink and i told him not to be, even his death will not entice me to drink. I have too many wonderful memories with me being sober and him, to ruin it by drowning in a bottle. I just cant believe that he has fought for so long and so hard but thats the way cancer goes i suppose.

Just wanted to check in, maybe they will tell him something different tomorrow, i hope so.

Take care x

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters,

Another night of thunder storms here - oh boy.

Ava, sounds like Robert has accepted his news & has made his plan & that is a blessing in & of itself. There is nothing worse than standing by watching someone struggling all the way to the end. I wish peace for him & of course for you as well :hug:

Pav, thanks for that link. What a great resource that should be in the Tool box if it isn't already.

ML, so glad to see you are doing well & reaping the benefits of being AF

I am watching my grandsons again this afternoon so I need to get a bunch of things done before they arrive.
Wishing everyone a good AF Wednesday!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Checking in after returning from a much needed vacation. The Muntains of New Mexico are heavenly, conpared to the heat at Hell's gate AKA Texas.

I am so grateful to be sober , I coud just shit myself.
All these years I was convinced that fun was not possible without Alcohol. In hindsight after my recent vacation, My obsession and persistence to have everything revolve around my drinking , My family,especially my young boys were denied many fun things because it didnt fit "My Agenda". This vacation we went to several popular tourist attractions and places, In the past, I would find excuses not to do. Either those place didnt sale Al or I would be plowed and not wanting to drive....
My youngest son is 8, a day after we got home he came up and told me that was the best vacation he had ever been on, it brought tears to my eyes. My first reaction was to beat myself up for all the past vacations where i had failed him, instead I changed that train of thought to an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Grateful knowing that from now on our vacations will be enjoyed without draging the load of 2 -55 gallon drums wrapped around me. Grateful that I have the oppurtunity to actually remember the smles and ecitement in my famiies eyes..
This is a euphoric feeling, to know, that as long as I continue to stay in front of my program to stay sober, i will no longer be a slave to alcohol nor be his bitch.

this may sound like a broken record, yet ican not stress it enough. If your new or struggling, know this about me. For 20 years I was convinced life woud be eternally catatonic without booze, life as i knew it would be over. One thing is for sure, Life as i knew it is over, I coudnt be happier,Yes I have my days were my addiction results jumps up and smacks me, This has only turned into fuel for my quit machine... My Darkest days have become my greatest assets !
Shame and Guilt is one of the main feelings I woud get after a drunk,and i hated those feelings worse than any of the negtive, deblitating affects of drinking, Wanted to share someting- Let me know what you think?


The Alcohol Guilt Trip & How to Escape It.....Matt M.
There was a period in my life (a ridiculously long period) where I became aware that my drinking was not ‘normal‘. I had finally left denial behind and I knew that what I was doing was going to eventually kill me. I hung around in this alcoholic purgatory for several years in a recurring nightmare of not wanting to drink any more but also waking up each morning to find I had done exactly that.
Alcohol is the most devious and insidious drug on planet earth. The first thing it does when we consume it, is interfere with the part of our brain responsible for making sound decisions. Next it make us thirsty! So despite the fact we were adamant that we were only going to have one drink, the drug ensures that we feel the need to drink more and then turns off our brains ability to stop us making that terrible mistake.
Trying to have ‘just one drink of alcohol’ is like trying to knock just one domino down in a huge line of them.
Perhaps one of the aspects of being a problem drinking I miss the least is the guilt I would experience each morning as I awoke (feeling terrible) and realized how much I had drank the night before. Then my shame would switch to panic as I tried to remember if I had embarrassed myself in anyway. I would proceed to lie to myself all day that ‘I was never drinking again’… until the next day came when I would go grab a bloody marry for some " hair of the dog" or decide just one or two drinks with my evening meal would not do any harm. This is the pure insanity of alcohol addiction!
If you are reading this right now and you are full of that guilt over what you did yesterday – use the pain you feel right now as leverage to make the decision that can lead you out of the alcoholic trap.
Even though I don’t drink alcohol any more I still occasionally wake up and have a split seconds panic about whether I drank the night before or not. I can’t tell youhow good it is to start every day knowing that you didn’t.

Stay Hard My Friends!

Matt, I wish you would tuck this into the Tool Box for safe keeping. It really tells a story....we are so thrilled for you! Life is measured by the people and moments...not by what's in your glass!

That Tool Box is an amazing place, I was in it yesterday looking for something on another thread and I tell you, what a resource it is! I learn something new every time I consult it...it is like a B12 shot to your resolve!

Keep up the great work, everyone! Every day you put between you and AL is a win. I've never regretted one day I spent sober! Happy hump day! Byrdie

[Overit-still]

Checking in after returning from a much needed vacation. The Muntains of New Mexico are heavenly, conpared to the heat at Hell's gate AKA Texas.

I am so grateful to be sober , I coud just shit myself.
All these years I was convinced that fun was not possible without Alcohol. In hindsight after my recent vacation, My obsession and persistence to have everything revolve around my drinking , My family,especially my young boys were denied many fun things because it didnt fit "My Agenda". This vacation we went to several popular tourist attractions and places, In the past, I would find excuses not to do. Either those place didnt sale Al or I would be plowed and not wanting to drive....
My youngest son is 8, a day after we got home he came up and told me that was the best vacation he had ever been on, it brought tears to my eyes. My first reaction was to beat myself up for all the past vacations where i had failed him, instead I changed that train of thought to an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Grateful knowing that from now on our vacations will be enjoyed without draging the load of 2 -55 gallon drums wrapped around me. Grateful that I have the oppurtunity to actually remember the smles and ecitement in my famiies eyes..
This is a euphoric feeling, to know, that as long as I continue to stay in front of my program to stay sober, i will no longer be a slave to alcohol nor be his bitch.

this may sound like a broken record, yet ican not stress it enough. If your new or struggling, know this about me. For 20 years I was convinced life woud be eternally catatonic without booze, life as i knew it would be over. One thing is for sure, Life as i knew it is over, I coudnt be happier,Yes I have my days were my addiction results jumps up and smacks me, This has only turned into fuel for my quit machine... My Darkest days have become my greatest assets !
Shame and Guilt is one of the main feelings I woud get after a drunk,and i hated those feelings worse than any of the negtive, deblitating affects of drinking, Wanted to share someting- Let me know what you think?


The Alcohol Guilt Trip & How to Escape It.....Matt M.
There was a period in my life (a ridiculously long period) where I became aware that my drinking was not ‘normal‘. I had finally left denial behind and I knew that what I was doing was going to eventually kill me. I hung around in this alcoholic purgatory for several years in a recurring nightmare of not wanting to drink any more but also waking up each morning to find I had done exactly that.
Alcohol is the most devious and insidious drug on planet earth. The first thing it does when we consume it, is interfere with the part of our brain responsible for making sound decisions. Next it make us thirsty! So despite the fact we were adamant that we were only going to have one drink, the drug ensures that we feel the need to drink more and then turns off our brains ability to stop us making that terrible mistake.
Trying to have ‘just one drink of alcohol’ is like trying to knock just one domino down in a huge line of them.
Perhaps one of the aspects of being a problem drinking I miss the least is the guilt I would experience each morning as I awoke (feeling terrible) and realized how much I had drank the night before. Then my shame would switch to panic as I tried to remember if I had embarrassed myself in anyway. I would proceed to lie to myself all day that ‘I was never drinking again’… until the next day came when I would go grab a bloody marry for some " hair of the dog" or decide just one or two drinks with my evening meal would not do any harm. This is the pure insanity of alcohol addiction!
If you are reading this right now and you are full of that guilt over what you did yesterday – use the pain you feel right now as leverage to make the decision that can lead you out of the alcoholic trap.
Even though I don’t drink alcohol any more I still occasionally wake up and have a split seconds panic about whether I drank the night before or not. I can’t tell youhow good it is to start every day knowing that you didn’t.

Stay Hard My Friends!

Matt, I hope you don't mind but I have printed this off. I am going to make a book of these items, somewhat like the tool box, but a book that I can look at and rummage through when I'm feeling tempted or questioning my sobriety. I do better with things in my hands. I prefer to hold a real book when I read, not kindle, you know what I mean? Thank you for this my friend.

[Overit-still]

I guess I should start off by saying Good Morning!

I did not make the 7/10 date but I did make 7/14. I didn't want to come here not having day 1 under my belt. Of course I have that overwhelming GREAT feeling I get in the beginning when I have slept, wake up sober, no GSR and not hung over! It's so awesome! Just wish I could bottle that.

Anyhoo, moving on. I have realized/known that my excuse for not counting days is because then it holds me accountable. So, counting I will do.

Also, I have pledged that I will reach out IMMEDIATELY before I take a drink. I will not hide from you. I PROMISE!

I hope everyone has a great day.