Newbies Nest

[Overit-still]

Good morning! Day 3 here.

Softball wasn't too bad. In fact, it was more of a mourning. I didn't even think of AL during the game, it was after when everyone was standing around talking, laughing, watching the next game, etc. Of course no one noticed I wasn't drinking and didn't care, and that has never been an issue for me. So, as usual, it's just that mindset. And of course I DON'T HAVE TO PARTICIPATE but it is something that my husband and I have always done together. If I don't participate, that's 3 nights a week we aren't together and that sucks! Anyway, it is doable. Yes, I 'm only on day 3 but I've made it past 7 months before so I know it can be done. AND.....I didn't want to have to come here and ask permission

Gotta run. busy busy day ahead.

[jane27]

Ava, I was just thinking about the vacations with your Mom and mulling over in my head why they were so different- despite the fact that most of the variables were the same (same time of year, same place, sober for both). I then had an aha moment about a variable that I have failed to recognize in my own life- EXPECTATION. You are one of the least self involved people I have come across - you don't operate with a sense of entitlement- you practice gratitude and humility on a daily basis- you give to others on a daily basis - RARELY do you bitch about things- when you do its off the cuff/ tongue and cheek, and over in a sentence or 2.

So why was I let down by the 2nd vacation compared with the 1st? That's right, I said I. Because I was expecting it to be as good as the first. Why was I expecting it to be as good as the first? 1) because the 1st trip was my frame of reference 2) because it was so GOOD, and my inner addict is a greedy pig when it comes to anything that makes me feel good.

Things that make me feel good- particularly the kind of good that can be felt with 1st time/ new experiences - leave a mark in my brain- lets call it a purple that says CHASE THIS HIGH BIATCH When I planned my stoopid family vacation I was so revd up over the luxe house that we rented for the week, that I failed to consider the people logistics; I totally bypassed reality in exactly the same way I did on a daily basis in getting blitzed with booze.

Expectation is a subject I'm going to explore. Pav had raised the issue in response to one of my SOS vaca posts- and I felt a belL ring. Unmanaged expectation can be a problem. I have known this with regard to anticipating/avoiding situations in which I might be tempted to drink :lildevil: - but it never occurred to me from the angle of being disappointed when reality does turn out as well as my expectation :fairy: .Don't know if anyone will relate to this, but thought I'd share about it anyway. And ofcourse, I've got Dutch's trip to Hawaii on the brain.

Newbie's, not so newbie's, old timers starting over- pop in and say a few words. You'll feel better for it, and so will we. Our success is built on community, and community is people connecting with people. Wishing everyone a bewdie.

Starfish, if you're out there, I miss you.
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[LilBit]

Great post, Jane. Like Chevy Chase in the original Vacation film, gearing up to experience the ultimate fun-filled family road trip, we're all sometimes bitterly disappointed by reality, which actually involves a big moose statue telling us the park is closed.

It doesn't help that cruise ship ads feature flawless, bikini-clad models lounging elegantly on chaise lounges while strapping suntanned waiters with ponytails bring them silver trays of frosty drinks with the sunlight glinting off the kiwi garnishes in just the right light. They leave out the part where you find the suntan lotion spilled in your bag or get bitten by a mosquito in the crotch area and then have to resist the urge to scratch furiously in mixed company. No, no, no -- they say nothing about the gray-frizzled, beer-gutted hairy men in Speedos or the sand that's so hot it makes you do a Mesoamerican fire ritual dance after forgetting your flip flops.


Yes, vacations are particularly prone to unrealistic expectations, but so is everyday Life. I'm just beginning to grasp that it's no good trying to project or control the future. Unless we're Miss Cleo -- and even then it's highly doubtful -- our predictions will likely prove to be "misses" and it's possible that we might miss out on the really, really good stuff that happens in "Plot B" because we're so immersed in ensuring that our "Plot A" story plays out as we intended.


That said, I try not to get so far flung into "living in the moment" that I turn into a Golden Retriever. It's still necessary, good and even fun to plan and anticipate, but I am happiest when I can manage to keep those expectations "fuzzy."

[Dutch1988]

Thanks for the advice everyone, as always, I have much better idea about how to handle this new challenge. Never thought I would think of vacation and challenge together, but you know what everyone is right. I need to drop my expectations at the door. I will just have to try and have a good time, find things I want to do. I can always go surfing, get away from everyone and struggle on the water for a few hours. Worse case scenario I just don't come back. =D

[Overit-still]

Over-it, do yourself a huge favor & use some hypno recordings to help change your thinking about AL. I used the ones produced by MWO but there are others out there. Your sub-conscious soaks up all that info while you are sleeping - works miracles Lav

Lav-I would love too but I don't have the money for purchase. I know, the cost is cheaper than the alcohol but when I'm literally trying to work a deal with my mortgage company to not foreclose on me and I'm cleaning houses after work to try and earn cash, it's hard to justify the costs.

I did post on here some time ago that I would love to borrow them from someone, just for a short time.

[paulywogg]

Over-it,there's plenty of really good ones on YouTube, just find a quiet spot and ear buds

[Marylou123]

Over - I just bumped information on free meditation, should be up front in the nest.

[Dutch1988]

hey I just noticed that these ginseng tinctures have 0.5 alcohol in them, they are a little smaller than half an ounce but what are your guys feelings on that? Do you avoid any extracts? I am kind of bummed now feeling like I am technically not alcohol free but I didn't even think of it till my wife mentioned I wasn't drinking echinacea when I first quit because of the alcohol. Let me know your guys thoughts, I hope people don't say I have to start back at day 1 now XD

[NoSugar]

If you didn't notice and it didn't cause you problems, I wouldn't worry about it, Dutch. I believe that intent matters once you've established your quit. I drink Kombucha daily and eat fermented foods. The traces of alcohol in those don't affect or worry me. Even if you decide to stop using those tinctures, please don't go back to day 1!

[jane27]

I agree with NS, Dutch. I have known Alks in recovery who go out of their way when eating at restaurants to specify no alcohol in anything whatsoever; People who haven't had a drink in 20 years! I understand that they take this step because they need to, not just to make themselves the center of attention or create a fuss. If you start to have unholy thoughts about the Echinacea- or if you feel yourself obsessing about it after a day or 2, I would toss the stuff. If you're at peace with it, then I don't think it changes anything about your quit at all.

[treetops]

I really wouldn't worry about this. Just as I dont worry about using hand sanitizer with AL or an AL rub. These are IMO legitimate (for those of us who are abstinent) uses for AL. I drink miso soup and I think it has traces of AL in it. The only qualm I had was when I was briefly on Antabuse. I am not an observant Muslim either.

[Byrdlady]

I agree, Dutch, dont be bummed or freaked out. Had you known you wouldnt have done it. I do avoid extracts in my cake decorating unless I am baking it (and it cooks out). If it messes with your head, dont do it again. You are fine! B

[abcowboy]

Howdy everyone! I just love coming to MWO and cruising around the various threads, seeing how attitudes and opinions are constantly changing, including mine. Watching how people are not only finding out what is causing them problems, but accepting different ways of dealing with them that don’t include drinking! Seeing people searching for solutions, resurrecting old threads that will not only help them, but others as well. And this all got me to thinking how hard we are on ourselves as we follow our journey to freedom. I don’t think I was ever hard on myself when I was drinking, only the morning after lol. Then I remembered what my counsellor told me, give yourself a break from time to time, and be kind to yourself!

We shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed just because we feel the way we do, we want to be hard on ourselves to make up for all the things we did or didn’t do while we were drinking. But if you beat up on yourself for letting something bother you, you are being a perfectionist and you are denying that you are a human being. We all make mistakes. We all let others (especially people we are attached to like "significant others") drive us crazy sometimes. The solution is to acknowledge that you are making progress but that you are not perfect. Giving yourself a break will keep you from needing to escape from the pain by drinking because giving yourself a break will make you feel better. It relieves sadness, stress, and is a positive personality change. It also helps you make decisions because you won't worry about beating yourself up if the results don't turn out as planned.

You can't help it if someone or something throws you for a loop. Everyone gets overwhelmed and frustrated. No matter how much you think you can control your feelings, no matter how well adjusted you think you are, every now and then something will happen that will upset you. The key is to not let that get you down. People, places, and things cannot control your emotions. They are just emotional triggers. Remember, you make yourself feel a certain way in response to the trigger. You can also quickly change how you respond. If the problem causes resentment, substitute resentment with empathy. Try doing some service for others, by getting out of yourself and helping another, you will fell less lonely and you may recognize that your problem is not as bad as the other person's. You may gain perspective. Your attention will be re-focused. You will avoid finding yourself saying, "If I get drunk, I won't be able to think about it."

Maybe take an inventory and see where your own sensitivity may be contributing to the problem. If you can determine what the sensitivity or issue is, tell someone else. If you can't determine what it is, discuss the situation with someone else. Try to find your defect and not the defect in the person you think is causing the problem.

And give yourself a break. It is normal to feel annoyed at times. But as soon as possible (especially before going to sleep), give yourself a break and relax. Exercise acceptance. Ask yourself if you have done everything reasonably necessary to deal with the problem, then forget about the problem and breathe. Finally, use gratitude and perspective and loving thoughts to turn your attitude around.

It’s great to see everyone here evolving, changing, maturing, and accepting…all the things required to keep you on the path to sobriety. But remember, be kind to yourself and give yourself a break every once in a while. We all deserve it and have earned it!

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Glad to see so many folks checking in today
I had a great day out with my girls - just what I needed too!

Cowboy, great post, thanks!

Dutch, I really don't think you have anything to worry about! Stay cool!

Over-it, I would gladly loan you the CDs but I never got them back from the person I loaned them to years ago.
I think you should be able to find stuff on youtube as Pauly suggested

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[Mr Vervill]

Cowboy, Great Post!
Jane, lilbit, Dutch, Even though I make plans and have high expectations about how things should go, I have also learned to let things flow as they will. It comes from my job, nearly 40 years in the news biz. Shit happens, and it happens all the time. Life throws curve balls. I get sent out of town with no notice, sometimes not returning for a week or more. There are rain delays, things are not as advertised... you get the point.
Go with the flow, enjoy the journey, no matter what it might be. We only get one trip here, I try to make the most of it no matter what happens.
Just like leaving AL behind, it's just another mindset.
My two cents for the day. Hope I don't sound preachy.