Newbies Nest

[Byrdlady]

Great posts from the overnight team, as usual!
NS, I thought the whole gratitude thing was a bunch of New Age Hooey.....until I got serious about quitting and needed all the tools I could get my hands on. Turns out, THAT was was of the important ones! Who knew?! Getting sucked up in the pity party is a sure path to relapse, so I had to try something new....Lav's Gratitde, or Lavitude, as We call it.

LC, what a wonderful find there with the distress tolerance article. I have copied that one to my personal Tool Box! Thank you, I tell you that Tool Box is a powerful resource of information and motivation. Im glad you are doing well, LC! Like you, Im no longer watching my life from the sidelines, Im in there! When I sit down in front of a blank cake getting ready to decorate it, I am afraid I will mess it up....when I try a new technique, Im skeert (as we say in the South). But I dive in and try it! Whats the worst that can happen, its CAKE! But that is true with other things, too, like work. I was stuck thinking I didnt want or need to change. I didnt want to get involved with anything that would, a/ interfere with my drinking or, b/ showcase that I had been drinking. It IS a cycle. It is uncomfortable to stop it, but it is doable!

I really liked the part of that article that said we self-handicap ourselves into thinking we can go back to drinking like a "normal person". No truer words, I got stuck in that awful loop, too. I think that is just about THE biggest challenge to overcome with us. ACCEPTING the fact that we must let it go. This is the step that trips up MORE people than anything else. Its that stage of the grieving process that is our undoing: Bargaining.

Its going to be an oven out there today! I plan to enjoy every minute of this day! I am sober! MindPeace, Byrdie

[LavenderBlue]

Checkin quick before work - I'm still around!

I definitely agree with what's being said about distress tolerance and learning to be gentle with ourselves and others. For me, I tend to get bent out of shape pretty quickly when someone does something that "obviously" will upset me. It's not that I expect people to be psychic, but I have a dose of natural empathy that I developed over my lifetime. I think I get mad because I feel like the other person isn't "trying as hard" as I am. I look at how careful I am to phrase things kindly or at least not in a cruel way and it frustrates me that not everyone does that. With that, I need to remember they may just not realize what they're doing, PLUS remember that I don't have to be "perfect" all the time either, since sometimes it's a sign that I've been trying way too hard to say or do the exact right thing.

With the wanting to drink like a "normal person" I think part of the problem is that we're so used to defining ourselves as "a drinker." We feel like we're losing a part of ourselves that we want back. (For me, ditto with smoking. If I wasn't a smoker, then what?) I guess I challenge those ideas with the fact that there are a LOT of things I used to be, that I am not anymore. I used to spend my weekends at huge house parties with friends, but as I got older that got less appealing. I used to be a huge fan of different bands and tv shows, while I still enjoy them I'm not the obsessive fan I once was. I used to participate in plenty of activities, and while some I've kept others I've let go to make space for new interests. It's ok to grow, and change, and redefine ourselves.

[Dutch1988]

LavBlue I totally agree with you about losing a part of yourself with stopping drinking. I had associated drinking with a part of my family and personality for so long, I think I actually enjoyed being able to relate to them in this new way. I didn't think about it consciously, but being the youngest in the family meant that I had to wait while my three older siblings were enjoying drinking with my parents, making it appear to be some kind of rite of passage I was not yet privy to. Now I see it for what it was, an easy way to relax with longterm detrimental results.

LC I loved your post from the toolbox, I found that I have only just begun to stop feeling overwhelmed by distracting myself and accepting things. I have used mindfulness in the past to try to not feel overwhelmed but really think I dropped the ball in the distracting and accepting area. I am working on the serenity prayer, but I think distracting myself has actually been the main thing I need to work on.

Of course a natural part of not drinking anymore is finding enjoyment in activities that used to bring you happiness. The added benefit is finding out there are new things to try that are fun as well. I still haven't found too many things I enjoy that are new, more surprised that I can have more fun without alcohol. I noticed that when it comes to tolerating emotional stress, most of the activities I associate with relaxing me are pretty much the same from childhood(video games, anime, manga). At some point in my life someone made me feel like these were activities for kids, and I have had a bad association with them since then. If I had a business problem I felt guilty playing a video game or watching a tv show I enjoyed as a kid. So instead when drinking became available I thought it was the mature thing to do, and used drinking to distract myself while I worked on a master's paper, or took care of my newborn, etc. I now realize that I shouldn't be letting others dictate how I feel about things I enjoy. At least logically I do hopefully emotionally not giving a damn will come more with time. Long story short, I am enjoying old distractions and it makes it much easier not to drink.

I have been taking Panax ginseng for almost a week(really appreciate everyone's post about alcohol containing foods btw). I was worried that the AL was what made me feel better(been pretty depressed and apathetic since the miscarriage). Now I am hoping it is actually the ginseng and adaptogens in general. Since we are talking about emotional tolerance, I am going to post something in natural remedies, anybody with any experience on them I would really appreciate your input.

[Dutch1988]

Something I forgot to mention is my back went out again. It was not nearly this bad this time, probably because of a healthier body without alcohol and me being more aware of it since I have not been drinking. Something that would normally knock me out of training for a week really is almost healed and it has been 3 days. This is what I would expect at my age, and wonder if continuing to drink would eventually ruin my back, and my goal of training martial arts for life, forever...

just food for thought =D

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Glad this hot day is coming to a close - geez! These are the days I actually feel sorry for my feathered friends out there. I keep 3 fans running 24/7 in the chicken coop but that doesn't help much when it gets this hot & humid. They all did OK today

Dutch, the younger & healthier you are the quicker you heal! I'm glad your back is doing OK.
Remain patient, the emotional healing takes a bit longer but it will come.

LavB, the longer you are AF the more your mood will stabilize - at least it did for me. I have worked on letting go of attachments & expectations where others are concerned & that is a huge help!!! People are just going to do or say what they want, not necessarily what you want

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[Icanwithoutacan]

Taking another trip down sobriety road. Glad to see some familiar,dedicated faces. I can't get the quote from The Help out of my mind,"Ain't you tired, Ms. Hilly?"
Yes I am

[NoSugar]

Amazing, Ican! I was just thinking about you this morning. Welcome back! :hug:

[Icanwithoutacan]

Thanks, NS!

[lifechange]

Good Morning, Nesters!!

Ican!! so good to see you back in the Nest. I hear you with, I'm tired! At some point it really is easier to just give up the constant battle and STOP with the insanity. To begin again with the work of sobriety, which in the end (and even after a very short time) is such a wonderful place to be. May I ask what your PLAN is? Gman reposted a great Toolbox post a few days ago about having a plan.. something I think I've often underestimated.. and there's one from yesterday from WIP about dealing with emotional stress.. which for some people (me!) is tough to deal with.. so welcome back! and lots of strength and big hugs coming your way..

Lav, those poor chickens!! I can just imagine them with their little fans and frozen peas.. do chickens pant? I can't remember..do they continue to lay eggs when it's so hot? I hope they all come through it (and you all as well!) without too much stress.. sending you some cool breezes, which I might add we're not so happy about this time of year!! Cracked me up with your granddaughters talking competition with herself! 4 1/2 is such a cute age..And thanks for the words on expectations..(you, too, Byrdie, thank you) I have experienced, through my stints with meditation, the peace that comes with releasing the expectations I have for others.. I know it's possible and it's what I'm striving for..

Dutch, great that you had such a quick comeback with your back pain. I can completely relate to what you said about paying more attention/taking more care when you're not drinking and therefore suffering less-- for me, consistency and not overdoing it/knowing my limits when I'm sober (along with not sleeping in weird, passed out positions) have kept my body virtually pain free these past weeks.. even though I'm in the gym/exercising most days. Knock on wood!!
Which martial arts are you busy with?

My girls are heading off with their dad for a week's holiday this morning. I'm looking forward to being able to do whatever I want whenever I want.. I have to work, of course, but otherwise....

Wishing everyone a good start to the week.. an Un-hung Monday.. what could be better?

[Pavati]

Grrr. Just lost a post. My kid who is away called and I forgot to save before it logged me out!

Anyway - the long and the short of it was.

HI, I CAN - I think of you, too, but always with the image of Winston Churchill. So glad you are back. Stick close!

Dutch - I love that bit about being emotionally sure that you don't want to do things for others. I have found quitting booze helped me so much in that.

Great find, LC - I love that toolbox.

Now imagine if each of those replies was more nuanced and detailed, and that was my old post.

Happy SOBER Sunday,
Pav

[available]

Evening nest

A busy cold day off today.

My sons dog had to have an eye operation so an early drop off and he is okay but very sore and unsettled. Spent a lovely few hours with my daughters, op shopping, lunching and lots of love and fun. Drinking took all of that fun away and it was a chore to do those things but not now. I am always present for them.

Welcome back Ican, keep trying. I became tired also of drinking also, i drank to get drunk and forget, the problem was i was one big "forget". Blackouts, not remembering conversations at all, trying to write down who i spoke to and what i spoke about but could not even read my own writing. my plan was to not drink at all costs and as hard as it was and torturous at times, i did it. You can too.

Having an early night, gym before work, work then visiting Robert, so another busy day. he hopes to get home next week and i hope so too.

Take care everyone x

[Lavande]

Good Monday morning Nesters,

Overcast here at the moment but the heat & humidity hasn't gone anywhere, ugh.
Woke up with a sore throat, uh oh! Looks like it's my turn for the dreaded summer cold.

Welcome back Ican!
You can end the battle with AL once & for all with a commitment & a good plan. Stick around now, OK?

Ava, glad the doggie is OK!
Hi there Pav!
LC, the chickens do sit & pant. They also dig deep holes out in their fenced yard & sink themselves in the dirt in an attempt to cool off. Egg production usually goes down a bit during these extreme temps - can't blame them

Wishing everyone a great AF day!

Lav

[lifechange]

So I just got home after a busy morning of catch up doc's appts., a bit of work and the gym. I had an annoying AV nagging in the back of my brain until about 10 minutes ago, after sitting down to relax and drink a smoothie. These crazy ideas of drinking are still coming at the strangest times...I felt stressed, I guess, though I had NO reason to have stress. Oh well. I'm home and safe and I do feel good that I didn't fall for the drinking a beer in the sun trick. I KNOW what that would lead to and I'm in no way interested... what a pain in the ass it is sometimes, though. The f******* AV. Leave me alone!!

[TJAF]

Welcome Back Ican! Regardless of the reason its a joy to see a familiar face (figuratively of course) back in the nest! So what's your plan and have you changed it up from the last quit. I think it is important to change things up. I know that in my case, I had to change up my thinking before sobriety stuck. I had always quit in the shadows. I never told anyone about my alcoholism in prior quits and buddy let me tell you I was really good about hiding it. Two years ago when I quit for the last time, I started out the same way. I suffered through withdrawal sick and completely alone (except for MWO). I think I did it alone because in prior quits, it allowed me to slip back into drinking without consequence. I told myself at the time that I didn't want to be labeled as an alcoholic so I kept it quite. Point of the fact though is that you are what you are, label or not! I really hid it from everyone so I could avoid accountability. After a couple of months I came clean and boy what a relief it was. It also cemented my quit. Anyway I'd love to hear your plan this time around. We are all pulling for you. Trust me when I say that no matter how many times you quit eventually it can stick!

[Byrdlady]

Late check in for me!
Great to see everyone! Welcome back Ican!
Work is NUTS, so just wanted to check in and stay accountable. All good here, Byrdie