Newbies Nest

[LilBit]

Taming the Mammoth: Why You Should Stop Caring What Other People Think

http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/06/taming-mammoth-let-peoples-opinions-run-life.html

'Ran across this insightful article recently and wanted to share it. Hope it helps with the pressure we all feel about fitting in, whether it's with a drinking crowd or just life in general. It not only suggests "why" but also "how-to" stop caring.

[Byrdlady]

Lil, I was all ready to read that but the link wont work. Maybe Ill google it. The longer Im sober, the less I care what others think. Its very cool. I dont feel like Ive got blue hair when I go out ( or wearing skate protectors). It just is the way it is. Thanks for the coversation! B

[LilBit]

Sorry about that! 'Fixed the link and it's definitely worth a read. The graphics are funny.

[Icanwithoutacan]

I want to thank you all for your replies. They all mean the world to me, which is strange because I don't know you but I do....I did not make it past day 1, but I will keep trying. Can you all please share what your "plans" were? Also, I have so many triggers, because I have let alcohol into many areas of my life. I am an "after 5:00 only drinker" so I am FINE all day. I did come read here at 1:00pm or so, and I was so encouraged by the posts. Today was major before the kids go back to school house cleaning day for us....because I wanted them to go through all their things before going back to school, etc. Well, I ALWAYS rewarded myself after a hard day of cleaning.....so when the urge hit me at 5:00, I literally had to grit my teeth and make myself pass the store, and a serendipitous song even came on "Dear Sobriety" by the Pistol Annies.......and I made it!!!! I was so proud, but when my kids got in the car, IDK, I started thinking how I deserved a drink for the "hard" day, and I went to the store.....argh......I don't know what it is going to take. My last quit was in response to my husband's concern....For some reason I could do it if he was concerned but I can't do it for me.

[LavenderBlue]

Overit - Don't give up! You're back here now and I know you can do this. I know it helped me to absolutely GLUE myself to this site - we're all rooting for you!

Pav - I, too, question if it's always just (or even primarily) about connections. I think it's worth taking seriously as one aspect, but it doesn't fit as the whole deal in my head. (Plus, I could see myself using it as an excuse to experiment. "Well, I'm all social again so maybe I could..." NOPE!)

Lilbit - Much hugs and love your way, glad to hear you're nearly done.

I'm sorry to have kind of skimmed, I need to be up early tomorrow and just realized how late it is! But I wanted to stop in here quick first.

Funny enough I actually was at the zoo again today - and sober. As much as I used to be convinced that drinking made it better, I can look back now and know that was the AL lying. I have a much much better time sober than I ever did half hungover and/or drinking, bleaugh!

I also need to kick my own butt into some gratitude, here. See, the appointment tomorrow is with a doctor at a different clinic, to see what more we can do about my anxiety issues. I've been kind of annoyed that I had to wait over a month for this appointment and my own doctor didn't feel he could do anything for me in the meantime. (Plus, I need to be up at 5am tomorrow to get there in time.)

But here's the thing. I'm within driving distance of the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota; and that's where my doctor referred me to. I got thinking today of how many people travel so far just to go there, and here I am cranky because I have to get up early! Sometimes out minds are pretty good at being cranky about things that are ultimately really really good for us, kind of like quitting drinking, huh?

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Ican, you definitely can quit if that's what you really want!
Making a good working plan means getting really personal & making sure you cover all your triggers.
You mentioned 'rewarding' yourself - how about starting there? Make a list of non-AL rewards, completely leave AL out.
For me, I had to get really honest & stop BSing & using excuses. I made a serious vow to myself to never buy AL again & I haven't. I used the Hypno CDs daily for well over a year to be sure that my thinking had changed. You need to give it some really good thought & get it done. Checking in here daily has been important for me & will help you too.

Lil, I thought that thing looked a lot like Cookie Monster (with highlights). Glad to hear your treatment are almost done!! Good for you!!

Coco, welcome back & great on your 4 AF days!!

Hello to everyone else, sorry but I am tired & ready to hit the sack.
Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[LavenderBlue]

Ican - I'm so glad you came back here and are wanting to try again! The biggest thing I did in the first few weeks of my quit was come on here a lot. I mean a LOT. Like, cut out other hobbies for a bit while I focused on this weird new sober thing. And I listened to the old timers as closely as I could. I made myself a promise that if they suggested something, I would at least give it an HONEST try even if I didn't like the advice.

I got all the AL out of my house (glad these folks gave me that advice!) and I also tried to avoid temptation as much as possible. I avoided as many of my old stores as possible, and anything else that I knew would be hard for me to deal with. I posted here at least once a day if not more, and I also chose to tell a few people close to me that I was quitting. I know not everyone is comfortable doing that, I just wanted the extra accountability (and for them to understand why I was going to be "off" for a while)

I super stocked up on food and nonAL drinks, too. Those first few weeks I wasn't even worried about if it was healthy, the point was if I was going to put things in my body they were at least not going to be AL. Flavored sparkling water wound up being the best for me, but before that I drank soda, lemon water, ice tea, hot tea, fruit juice...

I was also a 'round the clock drinker by the time I came here though, so I had less issues with specific times of the day and more issues with other things that reminded me of drinking.

You say that you feel like you can't do this for you, and that's really tough. :/ I know just by me saying that I believe you can, that doesn't always make it much easier! (I really do believe it, though!)

I know for me, for the longest time I didn't think I was worth getting sober; that I'd already messed up so much why even try? (Untrue!) I still didn't really believe I was worth it when I initially quit, but I'd promised myself at least 30 days, so I kept at it long enough to start seeing that I really was worth a sober life. I also wasn't completely sure I could do it, so again I kind of clung to that 30 days idea when I wasn't sure what I was trying to do.

That may not be your problem at all, but it's something I remember.

I'm sure others will chime in with advice too - plus the Toolbox is a great place to find good advice! I need to get to bed here, but sending good thoughts your way.

[LilBit]

Can you all please share what your "plans" were?

Well, I ALWAYS rewarded myself after a hard day of cleaning.....so when the urge hit me at 5:00, I literally had to grit my teeth and make myself pass the store, and a serendipitous song even came on "Dear Sobriety" by the Pistol Annies.......and I made it!!!! I was so proud, but when my kids got in the car, IDK, I started thinking how I deserved a drink for the "hard" day, and I went to the store.....argh......I don't know what it is going to take. My last quit was in response to my husband's concern....For some reason I could do it if he was concerned but I can't do it for me.

Ican, one of the single biggest factors in successful quits seems to be regularly checking in with your support system. Only you can decide what "regular" is. I must have checked in here 10-20 times a day when I first quit. I felt like some kind of crazy Internet stalker freak but hey -- it worked!

Second thing, SO important, is to reframe delusional "AL as a reward" thinking into what it really is. AL is a one-way trip to hell on Earth for most of us. Rock bottom has some ugly scenery: broken marriages, DUIs, lies, poor health... And if you haven't visited there yet, keep in mind that this is a progressive disease. It's a matter of time. Many people find it helps to write down a detailed description of their worst, most shameful AL moment(s). Thereafter, when AL seduces you into thinking it's a reward, revisit those places in your mind.

Third thing is timing. Head off those triggers and weak moments ahead of time. Make plans and keep yourself so busy at first that you're too pooped to do anything but fall in bed at night. I gardened, ice skated, worked out, watched movies that I had formerly missed from passing out, read, cooked, shopped, cleaned, and ate, ate, ate -- it was actually fun.

There are many more things, but those are my top three. Keep at it!

Edit: LavB is spot on about stocking up on AL alternatives. San Pellegrino bubbly water with Meyer lemons rocks!

[LavenderBlue]

Good evening Nesters,

Ican, you definitely can quit if that's what you really want!
Making a good working plan means getting really personal & making sure you cover all your triggers.
You mentioned 'rewarding' yourself - how about starting there? Make a list of non-AL rewards, completely leave AL out.
Lav

This was also a huge one for me. As long as I let myself think of AL as a reward, I felt like I was denying myself something awesome. When I made myself focus on all the crap things AL has done to me, getting to see it as less of a reward and more something that really isn't good for me to have, it got...not easy, but I was more able to fight the cravings. It's like it put me back on MY side instead of being half on AL's side before a craving even started?

[Marylou123]

Hi Nesters,

Checking in before bed.

Ican, that darn AV is so powerful. That's what is telling you "you deserve it." But what you really deserve is to be happy, and peaceful, and healthy. AV wants you to keep fueling yourself with poison. It doesn't want you to be strong enuf to cut off the supply. But, Ucan! This is definitely a case of "not easier said than done" but it is doable. There are so many here that are doing it - myself included - and I dare say each and every one of us that has one day, one week, one month, etc., has beat down that voice for the term of our sobriety. Every hour of every day that you refuse to give in to the AV is an accomplishment.

My witching hour was 5 pm too - or the minute I walked in from work. Until I started working from home - then it was 4 pm, until it became 3 pm, unless it was a weekend, then it was noon, unless we were on vacation, then it was 10, you get my drift. Thank God (and I do) those days are over.

So, my plan was to stay busy, all the time! I did jigsaw puzzles, learned to knit (sorta), walked (a lot!), read and watched everything I could get my hands on about alcohol and addiction. I ate - a lot more and a lot better than I ever did while I was drinking and remembered every meal. (Oh how many times I had to look in the trash in the morning just to figure out what we had for dinner the night before so I wouldn't make the same thing every night. Ugh.). Important and life-saving for me was coming on MWO every day (every hour in the beginning) reading and posting. Maybe most important was I did not want to be the person I had become any longer.

I still (18 mos later) do all those things, except knitting. I also went to the doctor the week I quit drinking for a physical and fessed up, something I had never done. I went back a year later and the comparison between my blood work then and now is so awesome. Everything now is within the "normal" range.

Lil - I thought that was Princess Beatrice's hat!

Over - so much good advice from others here. I second everything that's been said.

Matt and G-Man - love your posts. Thank you.

Ava - I hope the dog is doing good and that Robert gets to come home. You are spot on, as always.

Lav, Brydie, Pav and those I've failed to mention - I appreciate all your advice and posts.

Special shout out to NS - thank you!

I had some stinkin' thinkin' (not about drinking) earlier tonight. Got the leash and the dog - because it would have looked ridiculous without the dog - and went for a walk. Had an ice cold sparkling H2O when I got back, cleaned the kitchen AND bathroom, logged on and feel a lot better now.

Tomorrow we're having our septic pumped. Ew - I'm grateful for honey dippers.

Have a great night/day all. Off to bed.

[TJAF]

Ican. Most plans including mine revolved around the basics that are repeated often here. Find alternatives, avoid triggers, find strategies to handle urges ( this is tough. Sometimes it's just better to not deny the urge but fight it....urges rarely last long) and work on your ability to say no. The quicker you say no the easier it is to make it stick. You need to find a combination that works for you and if something doesn't work change it up. Use this wonderful group as a sounding board and just keep trying. It will stick if you want it to. That is a certainty.

[Pavati]

Hi, Ican--

Instrumental for me was telling my counselor the WHOLE truth. Everything. It was so scary, but I knew if I told someone who would hold me face to face accountable that I wouldn't drink. I was way too chicken to go to a meeting in person, so 1:1 was my choice. I also posted and read, posted and read. Some nice people here gave me their contact information, and I once did email from a bar where I was having a bad time. And if you need to do it for someone, do it for your kids. Many here, including myself, regret the time we wasted drinking instead of hanging out with our younger children.

Also - Byrdie wrote a beautiful "What's a Plan" post in the Tool Box. Check that out as well.

Pav

[Guitarista]

I would reinforce the importance of preparing for, and heading off any triggers at the pass (as The Duke might say). I need to know how I'm going to handle any kind of random trigger that may come up out of the blue.

Lil bit. San Pellegrino limonata is one of my faves.

[NoSugar]

Happy 18 months, MaryLou! What a wonderful change you've made in your life :hug:.

I came across a concept in a magazine yesterday (Oprah ): post-traumatic growth. As I read it, I realized that it described much of my experience with addiction. So I looked online to see if this had been studied and not surprisingly, it had. We may never be "happy" that this happened, but we can emerge from it stronger and better people than we would have been without the experience.

Posttraumatic Growth: Addiction as an Opportunity for Positive Change

By Richard Taite
~ 3 min read


You know the challenges of addiction. You’ve seen it in yourself or someone you love. However, increasing evidence also points to the experience of substance abuse as an opportunity for self-growth. Not that anyone wants to become an addict, but if you can, why not turn lemons into lemonade? After an addiction you will never be the person you were, and studies show that struggling to make peace with this trauma, and perhaps with the earlier traumas that fed the addiction, may help you become more than you could have been without the experience.
What does this growth after addiction look like? A Washington University study published in the Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment posed this question to residential treatment center focus groups. Now with addiction in the rearview mirror, these 65 people split into five groups largely agreed that there were ways in which they had changed for the better in recovery, as a result of their experiences. They also agreed on what this growth looked like; they had deepened ties with close family and friends; they had come to understand they weren’t “alone”; they had developed empathy and compassion; they had learned what really mattered to them in life; and they had learned there was nothing they couldn’t handle.

They said things like this:
• I try to appreciate — and not trying to sound romantic about it — but I appreciate when there is nice weather now, a lot more than I used to. And I just appreciate a lot more of that. I mean, when I think back on all the stuff I’ve gone through, I appreciate the fact that I’m just alive. It is not just feeling good physically, it is a matter of there is a lot of little things that I just appreciate.
• Before, my family could not talk about anything, and this kind of forced them to come together because of my crisis.
• I’m blessed that I’ve got a good-paying job, and if I see somebody and truly feel that they need a couple of bucks, I’ll give it to them without them asking.
• I am grateful for everything that has happened in my life that brought me here, and that’s from my heart.
This isn’t to say the experience of addiction is rosy. For example, many of the participants said versions of the following: “Any gain I’ve gotten is so tempered by astronomical losses, and I would have rather had it the other way, learned it differently. You know it is high-priced.” But still, these addicted persons in recovery felt they had grown through addiction in ways they wouldn’t otherwise have been able. In many ways, they were better people now than they were before.

This idea of positive change through adversity is what psychologists call posttraumatic growth – and in addition to recovering substance abusers, it’s been measured in populations including combat vets, firefighters, abuse survivors, victims of traffic accidents, mothers of chronically ill children, and many more. Basically the idea is that trauma is a challenge that tends to split people into two groups: those who experience posttraumatic stress and those who experience posttraumatic growth (though there’s also evidence people can hold bothwithin them at the same time). When your understanding of the world is shaken, you have the opportunity to construct it anew. Some trauma survivors including addicted persons in recovery are able to reconstruct a psychological experience of the world filled with a resilience, hope and wisdom that they didn’t appreciate before addiction ripped down their first “self”.
A study by the University of British Columbia Emotion & Self Lab explored how former heavy drinkers talked about their drinking experiences – who showed posttraumatic growth? To find out, the study asked subjects to tell the stories of “the last time they drank and felt badly about it” and also “the last time they wanted a drink but did not drink.” Then they asked which narratives showed change and which showed what they called “self-stability”. Maybe it was the study design, but in this case, none of the 92 participants described negative self-change and so the researchers ditched that aspect of the study and focused instead only on positive self-change (which they found in abundance).
Of course, they found that some addicted persons in recovery had changed while others hadn’t, but here was the real question: was one group better off than the other?
It turned out that the people who reported the highest degrees of self-change also had a “heightened level of self-esteem, authentic pride, and mental health, and a lower level of hubristic pride” than the people whose drinking narratives showed they remained the same people now that they were then. This growth wasn’t only in their words, but rained down through all of what it meant to be a person in the world.
This is not to suggest that people seek addiction, just as it would be unwise to seek abuse, a car crash or combat trauma. But for those addicted, there is definite, scientific hope for positive outcomes in recovery. With the right help, the addicted person has the potential to reconstruct a version of their self that is more compassionate, centered, wiser and better than they were before.
—
Richard Taite is founder and CEO of Cliffside Malibu, offering evidence-based, individualized addiction treatment based on the Stages of Change model. He is also co-author with Constance Scharff of the book Ending Addiction for Good

[Guitarista]

Absolutely NS. Thanks for posting.