Newbies Nest

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters,

Great article NS - thanks for posting!
I was thrilled when I realized that I had the opportunity to reconstruct a newer & better version of myself
So yes, I am grateful for all of my life's experiences!

My summer cold is in full gear & I have the headache for proof. I'm going to dig thru the medicine cabinet for some relief & just take it easy today - for a change!!

Wishing everyone a wonderful AF Tuesday!

Lav

[lifechange]

Hi Nesters!
Lots of great stuff here today.. as always, reaffirmation and great advice.

Over-it and Ican.. for me, in the beginning, it was very important to keep myself in the moment, as much as possible. I couldn't handle the 30 day commitment, or thinking about a whole life without alcohol.. even after all the damage drinking had done to my life.. I knew I WANTED that, but my reality was (and still sometimes is) getting through one day. I could handle one day.. so I kept the bigger goals in the back of my brain and focussed on the task of today. Or of this moment and did whatever needed to be done not to drink. I got all alcohol out of the house and spent a lot of time here. Went to bed early a lot, watched series on Netflix, began to exercise again, ate a lot, watched a lot of addiction you-tube videos, read the Tool-box religiously.

I love to hear the plans and tools you all have used.and that article was great, NS. Making lemonade out of the lemons.. I definitely wouldn't wish addiction on anyone and breaking the cycle seems impossible at times. I'm weak (getting stronger) with emotional distress and have the pain threshold of a flea, so sometimes I feel like I might die of discomfort.. but I'm seeing signs of Posttraumatic Growth, which is very positive and inspiring indeed.

Lilbit, I never would have guessed what that was! What in the world is it made of? Loved all the ideas of what could be done with it.. Hugs to you and strength for your treatment.

Marylou, Congrats on 18 months! Thank you very much for that post.. the image of digging through the garbage to see what you cooked the night before hit me in the gut. Sad stories we had.. doesn't have to be that way, though! and you're the living proof.

Lav, I sure hope your headache goes away soon. And when it's gone, enjoy your quiet day!

Warm greetings to all of you rebels checking in here today.. fighting (when necessary) and finding ways to live a better life..
I'm grateful to be a part of this crowd!!

[Overit-still]

Good morning! I'm here.

Yes, there is booze in my house. My husband in a functioning alcoholic, although losing the "functional" pretty quickly too. Not a pretty site at my house right now.

Anyway, my official day 1!

[lifechange]

Over-it, I'm glad today is your official day 1! I can imagine it would be difficult, when the going gets tough, to have alcohol in the house... and another problem drinker/alcoholic. How will you handle that? I know there are some people who have quit drinking while their significant others have continued to drink. Little Beagle comes to mind.. maybe she'd have some tips..
We're all here for you, so stay close!!!

[Overit-still]

Thanks LC. I did it before, well, obviously not successfully or I wouldn't be on my Official day 1 again. But I did it for 7 months. It's not really too tempting because its not my drink of choice, it's the atmosphere. I'm not physically addicted to AL, it's my brain. Also, my house is the party house. Not really "party" because we're middle aged but our house is the only one within our group of friends with no children. So, whenever anyone needs to escape, they come to our house. These are my husbands friends but you know how it is, one for all.....

[Overit-still]

HEY! I'm actually going to be in a town tomorrow that has a heath food store. What are the supplements I need? I think before I took milk thistle or something for my liver? What else? Thanks.

[TJAF]

HEY! I'm actually going to be in a town tomorrow that has a heath food store. What are the supplements I need? I think before I took milk thistle or something for my liver? What else? Thanks.

A full range of B vitamins and particularly B12, Vitamin A and C as well. Valarium Root worked for me as well. Make sure you get a good quality Milk Thistle.

[NoSugar]

G - I watched that talk, too. I DO believe in those connections. I DO however, know that alcoholism and addiction can still happen to people with many connections. I wonder what he would say to that? It does call into question that whole "tough love" movement.

I had some doubts about the video's message when I first watched it, Pav, because my experience was the opposite. But now I'm thinking that in some people, alienation can lead to addiction and in others, addiction to alienation. We didn't get into this mess in the exact same way, just like we each need to find our own way out.

When I started to drink at all, I was highly to connected to my kids, husband, job, craft groups, exercise partners, friends, volunteer activities, church, etc. In fact, it was because of some social groups that I even started to drink at all and then I bought into the 'red wine is good for you myth'. My husband believed me and went along with the one glass with dinner idea. But occasional use led me to repeated, frequent exposure and in someone able to become addicted, it happened. My husband had the same exposures initially (and maybe more b/c he has an occasional beer) but has never had an issue with addiction. Once that relation is established, I think it becomes the 'go to' response for just about everything and in my case, to escape from any sort of stress or discomfort. It just works so dang well that I think most of us didn't even question it for a long time. It seemed like a good thing and we got that message everywhere we looked.

By January 2013, I was almost totally disconnected from everything/one I used to care about - but I was the one who had broken the bonds. I quit groups and turned down invitations. I spent as much time alone as I could. I lost some other connections due to children growing up and out, deaths and some other tough things. And then because I was so sad and lonely, I drank some more.

But I can see where a person's overriding stress could be the lack of connection (and that seems to be becoming ever more prevalent). That is a horrible stress that alcohol and other drugs can seem to alleviate, at least for a time.

Kevin McCauley's videos emphasize stress (of all kinds) as the force that mediates addiction in a susceptible individual. Given that many of us who are comfortably AF now have gotten that way in large measure by learning new techniques to manage stress, makes me think he might very well be right.

[Dutch1988]

Im glad your back on the wagon overt, I know everyone says alcohol in the house is bad, but I have had vodka in my house the past 4 months and yes, I could pour it more easily but I think it's all about resolve. Some days I know I need to stay away from the cupboard I have it in more than others. Having a spouse that drinks is a pain in the ass and I am glad I don't have to deal with it. Are you open with him about where your at?

Ican I have really focused my plan around replacing alcohol with something I enjoy drinking. Since I drank alcohol to relax and destress from work, I had to have something to drink after work. I bought decaf green tea and it has been my go to drink ever since. I drink like 2 liters a day of the stuff. I also enjoy holy basil, cinnamon bark, black decaf and sometimes with caffeine, I have basically replaced my drinking identity with tea haha. I like the idea of drinking something that can actually change my state, and since tea is well tolerated and has way more positives than alcohol ever did, I don't feel guilty about it. I had to have something to drink at the end of the day though, and for the first 30-40 days it was 2-3 dr peppers. I was used to drinking sugar and I wasn't ready to let that go. I found sugary drinks made me want alcohol more though, so I cut soda out as well and enjoy my tea.

Lilbit I wanted to thank you for posting that article. Almost all of my stress in my life can be pointed back to this mammoth creature constantly telling me how I need to be perceived by others in order to be accepted. When my wife miscarried I really stopped pursuing my financial goals but kept listening to this mammoth telling me how well I needed to be doing. When I think about being in this house for the next 30 years I am not excited, I am starting to realize I moved here to please other people, my wife, my inlaws, even my students so I can proudly say I made it to the neighborhood next to my work despite how much more expensive it is. That doesn't mean I can't enjoy it, but I am going to stop stressing about being able to stay here forever. I say that and yet I can't shake this fear about not making enough to give my family everything I want.

Happy Tuesday all, I am 5 days away from a week in Hawaii, at least I am not dreading it as much.

[Byrdlady]

Late check in for me, holy moly, work is NUTS!
Great to see everyone again!
In addition to the great tips already shared, I did one more thing that made the difference for me. I took the option to drink OFF the table. When my thoughts turned that way, I snapped them back and said, NO, HELL NO! AL will not take one more day of my life. You have to be unyielding on this or the voice will win. Drinking is NOT an option if I want to live the life I want. When it is not an option, you will be surprised at the other ways of coping you will find....PUSH those thoughts out. That helped me anyway.... For me, taking a drink is about equal to jumping off a cliff, only less humane.

Over-it, my husband still drinks. I asked him to keep it in the refrigerator downstairs and he has no problem with that. Would that be possible with your husband? Ask him not to keep it in your space? It should make him happy because he keeps to keep drinking. Just an idea.

Hope everyone has an easy day! Byrdie

[Overit-still]

Byrd-He does keep it outside and since it's not my drink of choice, it's really not too tempting. It's just the atmosphere.

Dutch-my husband doesn't think I have a problem. "just moderate" and doesn't understand that I can't!

Anyway, took my AB just now so I'm safe for today. I see my DR tomorrow to go over those horrible drunken blood tests and will be perfectly honest about everything.

Jumping back in the nest with both feet! Thank you so much for taking me back time and time again!

Oh, and someone asked how it was that I didn't have my phone with me the other night and therefore couldn't check in as promised before I took a drink. We were at the lake swimming and boating so I hadn't take any of my electronics along for the ride. Now I know! and should have known that was a disaster waiting to happen.

TJAF-thanks for the supplement recommendations.

I promise to stay connected.

[Guitarista]

Good work on day 1 Overit. Keep it up and take back your precious life unconditionally. :happy2:

Congratulations on 18 months booze free Mary Lou. Wow! Legend.

Have a gr8 day/evening out there. G

[Eloise]

Get some calm forte & L Glut? Helps with cravings and to keep you calm until the cravings pass. Good luck!

HEY! I'm actually going to be in a town tomorrow that has a heath food store. What are the supplements I need? I think before I took milk thistle or something for my liver? What else? Thanks.

[abcowboy]

It seems like there has been more than a few people struggling across all the boards. I struggle with how or what I can say to help. I hate to see some of the members gaining a bit of AF time, only to fall back into bad habits, then starting all over again.

I feel like there is a very interesting time between when we think we “might” have a problem to when we finally admit that we are indeed an alcoholic and ask for help. Some of us finally admit it, then are like, “To heck with it. I’m not gonna stop.” There is a long process of trying to control “it.” It being the most baffling mental problem we will ever have to deal with—alcoholism. This time period usually lasts for years and its hell. I would not wish this mental state on any of my enemies. Well, maybe I’d wish it on just one person, my ex lol. I better work on my resentments and get to that enlightened state where I genuinely forgive people and love them. I am not there yet because I still like the idea of mean people suffering. Isn’t that horrible? Yes, it is! Maybe I'll work on it tomorrow! Anyways, during this “trying to control it phase” it’s impossible to enjoy drinking like you used to—maybe you’ll get a few moments of happiness, but not like you did when you first started to party. When I was in this phase, I was confused as to why the booze wasn’t working. I’d have a few and either feel numb, or blackout, or maybe get a tad bit of relief from how horrible I felt when I was sober. But, for the most part, it sucked and I hated it and couldn’t stop. Not being able to stop something you no longer even enjoy is a very special type of insanity. It creates another type of insanity, which is basically a bad idea but you think it’s going to solve the problem—and this insane idea is—you think you can control your drinking. Here are a list of things an alcoholic might try do when they initially enter this phase, followed by what usually happens. (I pulled these from personal experience, conversations with alcoholics and stories I’ve read.)

What we tell ourselves: I will only have two drinks tonight.
What usually happens: You have two drinks, plus seven more. You aren’t a liar, you can’t have nine drinks without having the first two!

What we tell ourselves: Don’t go to a bar. Stay home.
What usually happens: You read a book for 10 minutes, but you can't focus so you try to find something to watch on TV. Ugh, when will they take Friends off the air? You are sick of it. You turn off the TV. Look in the fridge for some beer or wine. There’s nothing there because you drank it yesterday, but you already knew that because you’ve been thinking about it all day. Pace around the house. Think about going for a walk. Go for a walk, oh look, how convenient—a store. Buy a case of beer. Just one case. Take it home and have a cold one. Feel bad about it, drink a few more. Make some drunken phone calls and feel good about yourself for reaching out to loved ones. If you don’t pass out, you might go get another case. Wake up the next morning wanting to die because you have flashbacks of yelling or crying on the phone and flirting with the cashier at the liquor store.

What we tell ourselves: Eat a lot before you drink so you won’t get drunk.
What usually happens: You eat a cheeseburger, then drink a lot. Oh no, now you’re drunk and full. If you don’t throw up, maybe you’ll pass out early and wake up at midnight. The good news is, there is still time to drink before you go back to bed. It's all in the timing.

What we tell ourselves: I’m a social drinker. I only drink with other people to have fun.
What usually happens: Your definition of social goes from drinking with friends to going to a bar alone, and since other people are at the bar you feel social. Or, you just stay at home and drink alone, that way you don’t have to try to sound intelligent when you’re drunk. Then maybe you start to drink before work or before casual lunch dates and before ya know it, social drinking turns into drinking anytime you are awake.

What we tell ourselves: I stopped for a month once. I can’t be an alcoholic if I can stop whenever I want.
What usually happens: You try to stop again. Maybe you’re successful for a few days or maybe even a few months, but you always go back to drinking because you think since you can stop, why not start again? The problem is, you are drinking a lot and sometimes you can’t stop, or you might even forget that you are trying to stop in the first place. Then you get to a point where you don’t even care if you can stop because if you care—it’s more painful. Besides, even though you feel like shit when you drink, it’s not as bad as you feel when you’re hungover. This becomes a living hell and you are the only occupant; everyone else seems like they are living a way better life than yours.

What we tell ourselves: I'll quit if it gets really bad. Like, if I ever start doing hard drugs, or going home with strangers, or getting into bar fights, I'll stop.
What usually ends up happening: You change your definition of hard drugs from cocaine to black-tar heroin so cocaine is now on your "safe list." The stranger you went home with ends up being just another drunk like you, and any bar fights you're in are not your fault. They are always started by the other person, or at least that's what you think happened. You can't quite remember, which is even better because knowing what really happened might be a painful truth you'd rather not know about.

What we tell ourselves: I'm not as bad as that guy.
What usually happens: The guy you're comparing yourself to is either a friend who has two or more DUIs, a heroin addict you see in a movie, or a homeless man you saw behind the dumpster you were drunkenly peeing next to. There's always gonna be someone who drinks and does more drugs than you, and has three times the amount of problems you have, so you can forever be the one who is "not as bad as that guy." And this is how you'll justify why it's ok, in your mind, to keep drinking and taking drugs. Congratulations, your alcoholic way of thinking found a way to make you feel like its ok to continue to be an active alcoholic! Imagine that.

What we tell ourselves: I'll quit after New Year's, or after my sister's wedding, or after some event that I cannot handle sober.
What usually happens: You change your mind to next New Year's, and maybe since you didn't get completely hammered at your sister's wedding you all of sudden think you don't have a problem anymore. Oh, and that one event you couldn't handle sober ended up being such a shit-show you had to drink to get over it. No matter what you do or feel or think about how bad your drinking is, your cunning AV finds a way to drown out any common sense you might have. In fact, it makes you think that your common sense is the crazy voice in your head!

What we tell ourselves: Maybe yoga and meditation will help me.
What usually happens: You go to a yoga class and sort of like it. You wake up some mornings and close your eyes and focus on your breath and think, “Hmm, it’s hard to sit still because my mind is racing but this is sort of cool.” Then, you go to a bar and get hammered.

What we tell ourselves: I’ll do a 10-day cleanse.
What usually happens: You either do or don’t do a 10-day cleanse and then you go to a bar and get hammered.

What we tell ourselves: I’ll read this self-help book.
What usually happens: You read that book and go to a bar and get hammered.

No matter what you tell yourself, what usually happens is more drinking and more consequences. The good news is, trying to convince yourself that you’re not an alcoholic is healthy, because if you're like me, you won’t ever to get the point of admitting you are one without this phase. I had to try to control it to understand that I couldn't. It’s a painful necessity filled with confusion, pain, regret, and if you’re lucky, maybe a little bit of fun. Here, the hope is that you get to a place of so much pain that you finally ask for help. I hope whatever direction you take while you’re trying to control it will lead you to a path of peace and serenity. And if you’re sober, I hope you are enjoying not trying to control it. Why not add to this list with some reasons of how your AV overcomes your SV, who knows, it just might help someone…

[Overit-still]

What we tell ourselves: Eat a lot before you drink so you won’t get drunk.
What usually happens: You eat a cheeseburger, then drink a lot. Oh no, now you’re drunk and full. If you don’t throw up, maybe you’ll pass out early and wake up at midnight. The good news is, there is still time to drink before you go back to bed. It's all in the timing.

HA! This is why I was up at 2AM drinking on 7/20 and had to make 7/21 my official booze free day!