Dutch - What Burd said, but also if it helps? I've hit some very flat, stressful, and sometimes very low points during my quit. I definitely believe PAWS is a thing, and when you add that to my "natural" issues I can pity party with the best of them. The thing is, while I'm feeling down and shitty it is 100% my reality. EVERY time. But every time I wait, and I push through it, and it finally starts lifting, I can see that the feelings were temporary and I end up grateful that I haven't risked the lifesaver that is my quit over how I was feeling.
Having said that, I'm also always in favor of trying to get help whether that's working with a doctor and/or counselor. Quits are hard on their own, but independant depression (and other issues) added into the mix is never helpful. (Also AL has never EVER done anything good for my own depression/anxiety issues. No matter what I though at the time, I can look back and SEE it making things worse, bit by bit. Drinking something that's only going to make you feel worse isn't going to help anyone.) I'm so very glad you came here to talk about it, though. Not in a superior way, just I'm glad you're not trying to sort things out on your own because I know how much that sucks.
For me, I know if I have one drink I'm going to start justifying more. And the more I justify, the closer I'll be to right back where I started. It's tough learning new ways to process things, but I can tell it's helping me get closer to the life I want instead of the life I was settling for.
Londoner - I'm so sorry things are still harrd for you. I seem to remember someone asking if you'd thought about finding some in-person support? Forgive me if I've misremembered. You sound so sad when you post, and (if you excuse me) when you've been drinking you always sound so lost, like you can see what's in your way but don't know what to do about it. Feeling like that SUCKS, I know from experience.
For me, I only started really being able to sort out my head, my heart, and the rest of me after time sober. And I learn more as the days go by, it's not something I magically figured out at 30 days or 90 or even 6 months. I won't be done figuring it out when I hit a year. As long as I stay sober, though, I continue to figure more out. While I was drinking, things only got worse and more confusing, I felt more helpless each day.
Sorry to be a bit of a downer, I'm just really hoping you can find a plan that works to get you to where you want to be. It seems like you're not going to become more in touch with yourself, or learn how to operate without that mask, if you keep doing the same things, you know? And thank you for popping in, it's good to know you're still around; I know we're all still here for you.
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