Newbies Nest

[Londoner]

Hi all. Poking my head in again

Another truth hit home today - alcohol is a hard drug.

And for that reason I need to stop it! It is stripping away my core values. Taking away my drive for life. Taking me further away from knowing who I am and what I am truly capable of. AL has made me selfish. I want to GIVE. I want to help others improve their life. And it is leading onto taking other drugs when I'm drunk, being places I don't want to be, with people I don't want to be with - and then hitting it harder to numb out of the situation I put myself in.

I can drink liquours mixed with chasers, and not taste the liquour. I'll have multiple beers when I'm out just for a meal. The reigns have come off. And they need to be put back on. I've isolated myself.

It needs to stop!

The truth is, there is a lot of hard work ahead of us all. It is not an easy path.

So, day 1 again.

Looking forward, I have a family BBQ and birthday as well as another BBQ left in this month - all usual suspects for copious amounts of AL intake. I need to stay mindful ahead of these. Decide whether I should go. And if I do no, be aware of the feelings of boredom/left out that I will feel that usually make me drink AL.

I'm becoming aware of the stimulus that leads to AL intake. Can I ride those stimulus in another way?

Hope everyone is well. Still in a brain fog here, but looking forward to that crystal clear thinking I usually get after a month or so AF.

Time to get out of this rut, firstly. Then to start thriving. Not just surviving,

[Matt M.]

Good Morning
Off to the final 3 days of my training class.

LC~ All these feelings and struggles you are facing can and will get better, this is going to take ACTION on your part, different action than the attempts at this before. Good on you for sharing these emotions and feelings. Nothing changes if nothing changes....

http://www.aa-israel.org/pages/problem.htm

Here is a link I posted a few days ago describing US and the things Alcohol does in the body of Alcoholics, I recommend reading all of it but a summary is described as: The Doctor's Opinion puts it this way:

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks - drinks which they see others taking with impunity (which means freedom from problems). After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery."


A great way for me to help with day to day stuff. Many times a day I say the serenity prayer holding on to every word..
God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference

Stay Hard!

[Marylou123]

GME Nesters,

Brydie - I'm sorry to hear about your neighbor. You are so right - we have the choice not to die young (an age by any definition) by drowning ourselves in poison. I started drinking in college and even then, I was a binge drinker. I didn't even like beer! The drinking age in the U.S. was18 at the time - they would bring beer trucks, with taps on the side, on campus and sell a 16 oz cup for $0.25! You (me) could get bombed for a buck! And I figured that was the whole point. Amazing I even graduated. Then came the next 30 years and I never "learned" to moderate. I know why now - I am an alcoholic and never, ever was, or will be, a "normal" drinker.

I am so okay with that - I am so grateful that I got to realize that before it killed me. The idea of a relapse scares me more than the idea of a home invasion, Legionnaires disease, bugs, dental work, driving in snow, etc., etc., etc! That's why I come here every day and read everything I can get my hands on regarding this lunacy. (Although I am reading a lovely fictional book now - only the second non-alcoholic-related book I've read in 18+ months. It was time to branch out.)

Jane - I am still laughing about the team jackets! Is Wally World on the itinerary?

NS - spot on. We are bombarded with drinking messages. I was leafing through an old People magazine the other day and, in addition to the sexy ads for wine coolers, etc., there was a story about an actress whose daughter said, "you can't come to our house without being offered wine," and another story about a You Tube "sensation" with a show called Drunk Kitchen. Apparently it's a cooking show with the objective of host and guest(s) getting sloshed. WTF?? I don't mind the occasional recipe for cocktails (I have DH substitute lemonade for alcohol if one catches his fancy - which is hardly ever) but the presence of AL in entertainment channels is ridiculous!

Lav - if we "come back" I want to be your grandchild. Or my dog. :-)

Mr V - I so relate to drinking in airports. Even when one drink costs as much as a bottle. If traveling on business, I would put my tab on expense account. Of course, I wouldn't attached the itemized receipt - just the charge receipt. I'd pay for food out of my own pocket because, if I did eat, that would be cheaper than my "beverages." Twisted AV thinking that I deserved to have my trip to Boozeville, as Brydie would say, compensated along with my trip to wherever. I was perpetrating a fraud on more than one level.

LilB - the freedom from isolation is delicious. All choices are on the table - answer the door, don't answer the door; drive to the 24-hour pharmacy, let the dog out at 2am, watch the final Daily Show real-time -- all possible now.

During a chat with DH yesterday, he said I "should do X." I just rubbed the middle of my forehead and we both broke out laughing. He got the point immediately.

Happy sober hump day.

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters!
Is it really Wednesday/Hump Day or am I just dreaming? I can't keep up anymore, I swear ha ha!

Byrdie, I was half asleep last evening & neglected to say I am sorry to hear about your neighbor. The end comes way too early for some & 69 years is really still prime time for most. My own mother passed at 65, I know the pain.
This is yet one more reason I am so grateful to be actively choosing life, health & happiness over some stupid substance.

LC, the struggle ends as soon as you let go of deprivation thinking, I promise!
Believe in yourself & your ability to create a better future for yourself & family

Matt, have a good training day!

Marylou, I only have 3 grandkids & I think maybe that's all I can handle!!! They are tons of fun & help keep me honest!

London, make it a good day 1. You deserve a better life starting today!

Hello to everyone & wishing a great AF day for all

Lav

[Byrdlady]

I promised myself a better future back in March of 2009 by making a solemn vow to never buy or drink another drop of AL.
Lav

This is the statement that did it for me. Yes, when I finally read the words and heeded them, a C change happened. (Zzzzzzzoooooph, the sound of a C change) Why? By nature, I am a people pleaser. There is one people that I routinely neglected to please and that was me. When I make a promise to someone else, by golly, I keep it. My word is my bond....except to myself.... AND, except for this ONE area called addiction. I FINALLY made this vow to MYSELF and I KEPT it. So simple in theory, but it took some hootspa to carry out. I not only don't buy or consume it, I don't even 'LIKE' FaceBook posts if there is AL in the picture. I will not support AL in any way (besides, it's thriving without my help). This one little vow to myself made a big difference.

Everyone is capable of getting sober, I am convinced of this. People will do what they WANT to do....if they WANT to get sober, they will and if they want to drink...they will do that (I did). You have to WANT this MORE to be able to make it happen. Now that I've been on both sides of the bottle, I'm so happy over here that I won't even give the thought of going back any credence. Go back to what? Hell? No, thanks, I already served my time. While in some respects it is a life sentence, it doesn't have to be a death sentence. I had my fair share of Day 1's, if I can finally get sober, I know that anyone can, who really wants to!! You aren't losing anything, I promise. You are NOT missing out you are not being punished you are being set free!
Hope everyone has an easy day. Byrdie

[All done drinking]

When I make a promise to someone else, by golly, I keep it. My word is my bond....except to myself.... AND, except for this ONE area called addiction. I FINALLY made this vow to MYSELF and I KEPT it. So simple in theory, but it took some hootspa to carry out. I not only don't buy or consume it, I don't even 'LIKE' FaceBook posts if there is AL in the picture. I will not support AL in any way (besides, it's thriving without my help). This one little vow to myself made a big difference.

Byrdie

Byrdie,

I had a "lightbulb came on moment" with your post yesterday "Once I grew a backbone rather than a wishbone, I got the job done." Although I had already committed to quitting, this statement truly was profound for me, just as your statement was for you.

Yes, I had too much of the "wishbone" going on. I "wished" I could be a normal drinking, "I wished I could moderate it to only two tonight." I wish, I wish, I wished. And there were a thousand episodes of "I wish". Yes, it was definitely time to develop the backbone and get real. I am not a normal drinker, I never will be. And I just may have wished my life away because the one night my good intentions of only keeping it to two could end up with dire consequences for me or someone else as I couldn't control my drinking like I "wished" I could.

Matts post today? yesterday? was very intriguing as I could relate so well to it. I actually would have anxiety at the dinner table after the glass of wine was ordered if the waiter took too long. My life was centered around when I would get that next drink so I'd be thinking and waiting for Friday night or Saturday night or the event coming up. I wasn't "living" my life the way I should. I was living in the future of the next drink.

The relapse rate for folks abstaining is high but one of the reasons it is - is because they get complacent. They don't work the program like you do Byrdie. Yes, you have to be vigilant, you have to be passionate about your quit. The "wish"/washy ones (pun intended LOL) who aren't fully committed to quitting are not going to be successful. Life is so much better on this side of alcohol when I am controlling my life and al isn't controlling me.

My name is Addy, and I am simply All Done Drinking...Yes!

[Byrdlady]

Thank you for the kind words, Addy! You have the mindset that it takes! I love your name and your attitude! Congrats on your 27 days and I can't wait to give you your honorary HAT on Sattidy when you hit 30 days!! B

[Hypernova]

Hi all. Poking my head in again
It needs to stop!,

Completely agree w/you! Looking for a Day 1 myself. Going to give it a go next week. Miss the calmness being AF gave me. I want to be AF but know to well as you said this is not an easy path. Good on you for day 1 Londoner, hope to be w/you soon. regards all, hyper

[jane27]

The list of warning signs preceding relapse is interesting and helpful, but one of the items concerns me: "Believing 'I'll never drink again.'" Dang -- that's what I believe! Or rather, it's more like, "I must never drink again." Does that indicate I'm headed for a relapse? Or does the author mean more of a false belief like, "This can never happen to me because I'm past all that?"

Lilbit, I’ve felt both ways. I think I gravitate towards the one that I need at the time. These days I feel more comfortable with the mindset that anything is possible, and my sobriety strategy is adjusted accordingly. In some ways it feels like a higher alert. The I’ll never drink again posture has been equally helpful- and life or death/ boot camp necessary in the beginning. The good news is that both have worked for me. Sometimes I feel strong and single minded enough to believe that AL is stamped out forever. Other times, I feel like it would be a dangerous thing for me to rest on that assumption. Words are powerful, but not more powerful than addiction. It’s a lot like jeans. There are days when skinny jeans feel ok (I’’ll never drink again), and then there are days where the looser jeans make more sense (reality check- don’t think you have this thing licked.) Don’t let either mindset scare you. You are in the drivers seat, and no one knows you better than you. Take the mindset you need to stay hard and forget about the rest.

Sorry too about your neighbor Byrdie. :hug:

Hubs is starting to pace and that means my quiet time window is closing. Wishing every one a great day. Welcome back Londoner! xoxo

[Matt M.]

Thank you for the kind words, Addy! You have the mindset that it takes! I love your name and your attitude! Congrats on your 27 days and I can't wait to give you your honorary HAT on Sattidy when you hit 30 days!! B

Addy- My thoughts exactly on what the Byrd says. From what I can tell you definitely have the Eye Of the Tiger! If you continue to do what your doing with the attitude you have, Failure will not be an option.
This is what we like to call Staying Hard!

[Dutch1988]

NS I am with you, perhaps the mod section is a dangerous place, but i can't help but wonder if it also has a lot to do with everyone's expectations of modding. Listening to the bubble hour, it sounds like the way alcoholism works is it is so progressive that it has you before you even realize it. Or you just don't want to admit the signs when you see them. I googled being an alcoholic and would always take the tests thinking I was okay. Of course, if I was not in such an active profession i would more than likely drink a lot more, and if I wasn't so concerned about what others thought(my social mammoth, ironically protecting me in this case), I more than likely would have been drinking more. If modding means you have one or two and spend the rest of the night fantasizing about more, then what's the point? I have no illusions about my drinking, if I started again I would be right back to where i started, struggling to not drink everyday and tossing back 4-6 drinks to chase that buzz. How long would I have kept this up before my drinking became worse? To be honest, I think it was closer to 7-8 drinks by the time I decided to quit in February.

LC stay on here, you know we got your back. Good luck on your trip, and don't feel too bad about not rushing to do all those things you need to do to maintain your quit. As the days stack you'll feel more like getting that help, five months later i am finally making progress on my goals.

Londoner I hope to see you here tomorrow. I vent on here more than most, it would be nice if another 20 something year old joined me. We are the "me" generation after all.

Keep reading throguh hypernova, even if your not starting till next week.

Today I found a cold sore on my lip, which means no grappling for me. i just got back after a 5 week hiatus and here I am missing more days. That would have been the ticket to drinking because I didn't have to worry about being fresh for working out in the morning. Now, I am taking care of myself and hoping that all my healthy choices make this thing disappear as soon as possible. It's funny what triggers different people, for me someone commenting on having a cold sore on my lip matters, like I am going to be socially ostracized for it. Someday I'll get over that social mammoth on my back.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Sounds like it's been a pretty positive day around here
Mine went as well as it possibly could chasing two stinky little boys around, ha ha!! Have I mentioned how grateful I am to be fit & clear headed enough to handle all this extra love on my life?

Hello to all & sending wishes for a peaceful & safe night in the nest!

Lav

[Pavati]

Hi, Everyone:

Jane, you put that so eloquently. For me it is really that the two co-exist. I have to believe that I'll never drink again, and I have to take it day by day. If I look too far into the future I get overwhelmed.

LC - I hope that helps. I am wondering why you're waiting for September for the therapist? If you think it will be key to do things differently in order to stay sober this time, why don't you just bite the bullet and go NOW. Each day you put of doing what you need to do to stay sober is DANGER. Have a fabulous time at the beach...

Dutch - I appreciate your honesty. Sometimes we don't want to admit that moderation looks like a juicy steak, but admitting that allows us to allow others to reach out and help. Your comments have brought us to a very interesting and informative discussion here in the nest. Thanks for that.

Byrdie - Sorry about your neighbor. We had a family friend who was a vibrant and hysterical 73 year old who just died suddenly. It is a shock, and makes you appreciate each day.

Lav - Hope you stay afloat. I wish you could send some of that water my way... They are predicting a big El Nino winter here which could mean nothing or could mean way too much water all at once.

Night, nest.

Pav

[lifechange]

Good MAE, Nesters,

I'm REALLY glad I wrote that post yesterday.. after all this time, I still tend to hold things in and try to figure them out on my own. Thanks for all the great feedback! Reading here and around on the other threads helped to get my mind back on track. I began worrying a couple of days ago, as each day was feeling like a struggle not to drink, or more like such a relief in the middle of the night that I hadn't, that I knew I was definitely in DANGER. Yesterday I made it to the gym again and after about 45 minutes of hard physical work, the tears started falling. I thought, what the f*** am I doing? WHY in the back of my mind is this still tormenting me? What exactly are my reasons for holding on to the possibility of drinking sometime down the road?.. which is essentially what I'm doing when I don't give over entirely to a life without alcohol. I've been one foot in, one foot out.. not drinking, but not doing much else and not even not drinking with much charisma.. more like "until" a certain time, whenever that might be. I realised yesterday that I begin to think more about drinking when the girls are here with me. they are with their dad part time and part time here. This summer break I had the first 4 weeks essentially to myself and was able to get into a routine that really worked for me.. I knew it wouldn't be possible to uphold with the kids here, but I mistakenly thought I could put my stuff on the back burner while they're here (to be able to fully concentrate on them) and then resume a modified "me" schedule when school is back in session. This is proving to be impossible and not even necessary for them.. to have me around ALL of the time. So, of course, yesterday after spending time in the gym, plus taking some 5 minute breaks to just lie down in the other room to feel the breeze and have some quiet, my time with the girls was much less stressful.. and I could be more present with them.
I can see that I put the stress on myself.

Sorry I'm being so me, me, me...
I'm thinking of all of you, you, you as well.. :hug:

[Matt M.]

Good Morning

Lav- Your grandchildren are very fortunate to have you, the great memories your making will never be forgotten. Another reason of many to neverlet Alcohol have another second of our short time on earth....

LC- you described your emotional moment while at the gym, I still have these as well. IMO it's part of the recovery and healing process, just like having a physical sickness or injury, like a broken leg. There will be pain while we gain our strength and rebuild that injury, as long as we avoid that pitfall our injury/sickness will heal or strengthen over time.

It's ok to be into "you" we need to work on ourselves, then the reward of helping and leading others makes it all ok....
Your doing great!

Hey Pav, Jane, Dutch!

Hope everyone has a great day!