Newbies Nest

[jane27]

Beautiful!

[Eloise]

Okay... here goes: I have a new hurdle to over come, riding my bike.
I fell 2 years ago on a frozen bridge and then put it in the garage.
I need it to go to Mozart (horse) as we have one car we share. Btw, I MADE my husband sell his car as I found it too expensive to keep both cars on the road. Plus it was really dirty and I was sick of cleaning two cars. Makes perfect sense, right? :devildevil:
So, now I really should be taking the bike to Mozart, the stables are only 5 minutes away.
I was going to take it tonight but it was raining (not a valid reason in the Netherlands not to ride your bike though). So, tomorrow is day 1 of getting back on the bike!

Great cookies Brydie! We are getting this place ready for art classes again and made honey blueberry muffins today. Tomorrow I will make honey peanut butter cookies.
How is Dutch today?

[LavenderBlue]

Hey Dutch, I've been trying to remember some of the things that helped me 'round about that time in my quit, in case it's helpful.

That was when I started really working on telling myself, "no," without any further comment. What I mean is if my brain says, "Drinking would make this so much easier," I practiced telling myself "No." Not arguing with myself or trying to prove it, just holding on to that, "no." Obviously I quit for a reason, so I trust that me and her decision to quit. Sometimes that no did a lot more good than trying to argue with myself.

I'm pretty sure that was also when I started posting or even just writing more gratitude lists. Going through the effort of actually writing down everything that has improved since my drinking made an impression on me. Not all of the things were apparent, after all. Things like, "I'm having less panic attacks and hate myself less" are just as important as more tangible things. I made lists of things I'd missed out on, lists of things I still wanted to do, really anything to stop minimizing the changes sobriety had already made in my life.

I kept telling myself to trust when others said it would get better. Even when I didn't believe it for myself, so many people here had been through it; I would tell myself that in this case I should trust others more than myself. I think that part comes from my history with depression and anxiety, I know that even things that seem 100% true to me can be very wrong.

I also went back to the things that helped in my early quit. Sometimes that meant keeping busy, sometimes it meant taking a nap, or re-reading one of the memoirs I picked up about how others quit. I tried to keep a balanced diet, but if a soda would distract me I'd have a soda. (I know this varies and with some folks sugar makes them crave more.)

I think what helped me most was finding a way to come to terms with being flat and depressed (from quitting, I'm not talking about clinical); seeing it as a normal part of healing instead of something that I was doing "wrong." It had been a long time since I'd felt down without trying to "do something about it," but sometimes feeling it and waiting it out is ok. When I drank, I went for that drink anytime I felt sad or angry or happy or nervous. Even though I didn't LIKE it, it made sense that feeling my actual emotions would suck until I healed more and adjusted. It's like if I broke a leg, even once the break was healed I wouldn't be back to normal right away, my body would need to re-learn normal.

Hope any of that helps, and I'm not trying to come off like I was thinking this deeply at the time. At the TIME I was just grabbing onto anything that seemed to help, it's only out the other side that I can start talking about it coherently!

[available]

Morning nest

Dutch take it one day at a time. As Lavb says, just say no and focus on something else. Your biggest regret would be to drink again. Time heals all wounds as they say and its so very true. I still log on here twice a day or more, why stay away if it helps you stay sober, this is our support network Dutch dont walk away from that. If you back off from here and al is on your mind, i wonder who will win!

i had a drinking dream last night, have no idea who i was with but i drank a bottle of wine, i remember telling the person i had it under control now. I didnt feel atrocious, thought i had it under control but each time after that i craved wine, wanted it like it was a thirst in me that could not be quenched. This is what i dont want to feel again, that need to drink. Its so much easier just not to drink.

i'm attaching a link to pics from our balloon ride for anyone interested. Robert seems to have found a new lease on life for the time being and its wonderful to see. I have learnt to appreciate life, we only get one!

https://app.box.com/s/o3v71yt0zs9pdhulybg2r05iyeh7zuiy

[LilBit]

Ava, the smiles on Robert's and your faces say it all. So beautiful! I'm glad it worked out for you to go, and proud of you for setting your fears aside to do this with him. It looks like it was a blast.

[Marylou123]

Hello Everyone,

Just checking in - not much happening.

Addy - belated congrats on 30 days. And a shout out to Star as well - you are doing so well.

Brydie - the cookies are amazing. And so are you!

Dutch -- I also went through the same type of feelings. I don't have a lot to add to what others have said except maybe this: I didn't want to get complacent or walk away from anything that would hinder my progress. So...I leaned in! I watched more shows like Intervention and read more books about AL. Kinda reverse psychology. It worked for me -- the phase passed.

Ava -- beautiful pictures. Looks like it was a bit chilly. So glad that worked out for both you and Robert.

DH and I might go golfing tomorrow, something we've never done together. (I can count the number of times I've golfed on one hand!). Our marriage survived my drinking (and y'all know that story) so I figure it should survive nine holes of golf in 95 degree heat. Maybe I can talk him into bowling instead. :-)

Hugs to you all for a wonderful sober evening or morning as the case may be.

[paulywogg]

Ava,nice pics thanks for sharing was showing my grandson and he said"I wanna go there" ugh no! I don't DO heights, Robert looked so happy,you're awesome,was thinking about Dutch and everyone's advice and I think everyone is spot on,its a process and takes time,feeling flat one day,euphoric the next,motivated one day,lazy as hell the next etc,those down moods are horrible though and you think drinking will make you feel better,it doesn't!we all quit or keep trying to quit for a reason, when in doubt,take a look back as to what that reason was

[Byrdlady]

Dutch, I was doing a little digging to see if I could find stories similar to yours, where after a period of sobriety, the person cashed it in. I found a moving account from our very own Elvis. These days, he NEVER misses a day of roll call and reads these boards every day. There isnt ONE SINGLE person who blew his/her quit who wasnt dreadfully sorry they did. We FORGET just how hard it is to start all over. Many NEVER get that momentum again. Many of the folks who commented on Elvis' story in his thread never got back up on the wagon. We must remember what brought us here in the first place...it wasnt a LIITLE issue, it was big enough for us to do a search, find and participate in a forum for AL abuse. If you are feeling the pull of AL, then you've got to ask yourself why? The only reason I can come back with is....because we are Alcoholics and thats what we do. Normal drinkers dont have that pull. I think all of us would agree, we are NOT normal drinkers. Wouldnt it be GREAT not to feel that awful pull anymore? Wouldnt it be awesome if we could look at AL with indifference? The way to get that is to soldier thru the crap and get to the other side. Going back makes the pull STRONGER. Every quit is harder, you can trust me on that one. It reinforces the tantrum your brain is throwing until those cravings are almost impossible to get thru. Alcoholism is just like a spoiled child, if you give in, its voice gets louder and stronger next time. The only way to tame it is to ignore it. I promise. I tried everything to make it work out.
If you have some free time, do a search up in the bar above: 'I blew my quit after 6 months' or 'regrets after relapse'. Search 'ONE GLASS' or 'ONE BEER' and just see the hundreds of posts you will find of others who have had the very same thoughts as you, but who didnt have the advantage of thinking ahead to the inevitable consequences like you do.
Here is Elvis' post from back in 2013. I hope he doesnt mind that Ive shared it here:

A lot of positives in Newbie's Nest, so I will post here not to bring things down there. Also, I needed to reread my story and learn to take my own advice.


Friday (Day 53) was tough. I should have come here and posted, but being stubborn, I always want to fix everything myself, and I thought I could ride it out. There is so much I could have done, instead of keeping it bottled up inside me.

Saturday afternoon, I lasted until about 2:00 then the temptation became too much and I drove to the liquor store and bought a bottle of vodka. It was as if something else over took me and while I knew what I was doing and I knew this was a big mistake, I had no control. I drank on and off until about midnight when I fell asleep.

The thing is while I was drinking, I didn't enjoy it. It tasted terrible, and I didn't drink enough to get drunk, just buzzed. Though I certainly felt it on Sunday morning, I felt miserable. I had a few to help me get through the day, but again, it tasted terrible.

This morning I poured the rest of the bottle down the drain. I'm upset at myself that I acted so immaturely, and mostly that I threw away 53 days AF. I was just starting to get comfortable enough to tell my friends and I wanted a high number to back it up so they knew how serious I was. Now I start over again at Day 1.

I know my reasons for drinking this weekend and it boils down to a whole bunch of triggers converging at the same time. Certainly not an appropriate way to handle it. This will be a tough week for me, but I did not drink enough to get physical withdrawal symptons, just enough to bring back the mental barriers again. I need to make a plan to get through this week's triggers, and remember to be honest with myself and remember to ask for help when I need it.

Ending on a postive, I did go 53 days AF and that was by far the longest I have gone without alcohol in years. And those 53 days, I felt wonderful, I felt alive for the first time in longer than I can remember. Now I know what AF really feels like and I want it more than ever.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Awesome pics Ava, thanks for posting them.
It's great to hear the trip was obviously so good for the both of you

Marylou, I wouldn't go bowling or golfing - good luck, ha ha!

Drinking dreams, smoking dreams, good days & bad - none of that stuff matters. What matters is that we have chosen to live our lives free & clear, no AL to interfere with the natural ups & downs that is life. We can all do this - I know we can

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[Pavati]

Hi,

Lovely pictures, Ava.

Yep, Lav, that's the thing with life. Sometimes it's wonderful, sometimes it's shitty, and sometimes it's just meh. That's true whether we're drinking or not. Drinking won't change that at all.

Even if I think about the days before this became a real problem (well, before I really realized it), drinking affected my sleep and energy level. Even if I could just drink 1 or 2 I don't think I would - I don't really need it, and as NS is always quick to point out, it is a poison! Who needs that??

A gratitude list sounds like complete BS (well at least it does to me), but gosh darn if it doesn't work to help refocus. Really digging deep to find gratitude in the crappy times is important - there is always something to be grateful for...

Good night,
Pav

[LilBit]

Here's my Pav-Lav response (heehee): Yes! I agree that Life is still Life with its ups & downs, but it is infinitely better without the AL to cloud, distort, clog, shorten and generally mess it up.

Agreed that a gratitude list sounds/feels cheesy when you think about it, but I can unequivocally say that practicing daily gratitude transforms your life in ways you can't imagine. As Pav says, it helps one to refocus.

Moreover, I am fresh off a real-life, recent, full-blown near-death experience and can tell you that waking up every day on this side of the grass is a great place to start being thankful. Every morning, before I even get out of bed, I find at least five things to be grateful for and then express them to the Man Upstairs. Throughout the day, I look around for more things to be thankful for, and I have never once come up empty-handed, although once I found myself being grateful for my evil cat, Ivan.

I know I sound like a really big dork saying all this, but trust me on this one. The practice of gratitude has removed the blinders that once obscured the view of how amazingly good my life is. If anyone is unsure, please do yourself a favor and seriously consider this one. You walk around thinking all day, anyway. Why not deliberately allot a portion of those thoughts to your own gratitude list?

[Dutch1988]

Evening Nesters!

Star i knew what you meant, and yes, I am focusing on other things OTHER than my sobriety, I still have no plans to drink. My personal trainer thing hasn't really been a fun goal to focus on. With my wife losing her full time job and getting a part time one, I decided to try and become a PT for supplemental income. So working on it is just another stressor that makes me want to drink. Still, today i did much better without checking in here as much, anytime I felt bad and wanted to read on here I read some more pages in my course instead.

LavB I will start practicing saying no. I really don't think drinking is going to help me, but when I feel like chit, and don't want to do anything, and as Turn mentioned, have this anhedonia when it comes activities I enjoy, I just want to say screw it. i will focus on just killing the conversation instead, my will power can't take this much debate in my head anymore. A gratitude list is a great idea, my back heals faster when I hurt it, I have lost weight and look like I am in better shape, I can train more in grappling and weight training, which is nice. I have saved some money, which is better than nothing. Thanks for all the advice.

Byrdie that's a pretty downer read. Seeing Elvis post such high numbers on roll call I never think about the effort it took for him to get there. I always kind of assumed you decided one day to quit and that was that, don't know why, haha. Definitely reinforces what I was thinking.

Today was a bit better, I worked out and did a mindfulness yoga meditation in the morning, which sets such a better tone for the day. It is amazing how much smaller a problem seems with a little meditation, and stress is definitely one of my triggers to drink. Tomorrow I have to wake up at 7am to get my yoga in on time, and I am telling everyone on here so i do it. My back feels better with the yoga and my mind does too, I also don't have to worry about falling asleep which was a problem with sitting meditation. Thank you everyone for continuing to back me up, I wouldn't be this far into quitting without the feedback on here. I am going to hopefully chat with some old friends tonight and then meditate before bed. have a good night all!

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters & Happy Hump day!

Summer is still going strong here as evidenced by the ongoing heat & humidity. Last evening's quickie thunderstorm, brought no relief. oh well.

Stay in the positive zone Dutch, it's a very helpful tool

Lil, I'll be a dork right along with you!

Hey there Pav!

Wishing everyone a great AF day!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Good morning, fellow nesters!
Everyone sounding positive today!
Ava, amazing pictures! You are really practicing what you preach....to put yourself into the service of others. It doesnt take long for us to realize just how many blessings we DO have when we spend a little time with those who are fighting for their lives. ALL they want is to live another day, something I often take for granted. Early in my quit, I took my dog (Princess Rubi) to a local nursing home to visit. You wouldnt believe the smiles she brought to those folks, many never see another soul other than their nurses on a daily basis. Bringing joy to someone else is very rewarding. You are making Robert's last days, some of his best. What's better than that?

Turning to local news, I got all 7 dozen cookies in the mail yesterday, en route to the bride- to-be. As I was packaging up those tasty confections, I couldnt help but think that I would have NEVER been doing stuff like this 5 years ago. I simply had no ambition to persue anything except my next drinking 'occassion'. The pastry gods have been good to me, but they can be a cruel and ego-crushing lot. Im glad this project went smoothly without adding to my already fragile, cakey existance. You never know what you can do til you try. (Sorry for the tired calendar slogan).
Hope everyone has a SUPER easy day! Byrdie

[Byrdlady]

Here was my first cookie decorating try back in February....birds in a forest, if you squint hard and rub your tummy, you can see the two birds.....