Newbies Nest

[KENSHO]

Kensho, I hope you really believe what you are saying. Acceptance is the big first step we all had to take, possibly the most important step. Wishing you the best on your journey.

Thank you LAV. On the road to acceptance. Been a bumpy road...

LILBIT, never good to be useless! Hard situation, and I'm sure you are glad to be sober.

LAVB, good points on stress. Thanks for sharing. I should probably pick up a book on the subject...

Hi Fat Fella, glad you are here.

Feeling a little like I want "something" filled up. Must be those dopamine receptors. Before when I was AF, I was ecstatic as the AF time racked up. I'm having a hard time feeling excited because I feel I'm saying goodbye to something I loved. I understand alcohol shouldn't be a part of my future, and I know it will all be ok after some time, but it feels sucky right now. Trying to remember SAMSTONE'S gratefulness reminders.

First step for me was realizing I could never go back to the daily drinking, which was about a year ago. That was truly hell - to be in a daily cycle. But I think I always held out hope that I could moderate someday. I talked the talk and walked the walk hoping it would all make sense - and sometimes it did. But I don't think it was until this past week that I realized I probably couldn't go back to drinking at all, ever. I very clearly remember at about 20 years old, wanting a beer every night. I didn't have one every night, but I remember telling my mom, "I can see how this could be dangerous", and I made myself abstain many nights a week and moderate when going out with friends. I was aware when at bars that after a certain point (2 drinks?) I just wanted more. I was aware of the potential of a problem then, and I craved it then, but it wasn't as hard to handle. I had instances of abuse (which I define as using for the wrong reasons) and I probably already had the problem - in that I used alcohol to "be social", to "make it ok", to "not deal".

When I drink, I just want more. (except for after 30+ days AF or so, it tasted terrible to me - but it STILL led to more because I thought it was OK to have some, and then I saw the daily pattern emerge again). I think it all comes from tagging AL in my brain as a "cure" for something. When we get SOME cure, don't we want MORE cure? Can't that only be BETTER? That's where my brain goes. I was able to keep drinking fairly under control without catastrophes, but I will always WANT alcohol for the wrong reasons, and want more and more and more. I get it. My past quit was fueled by anger and fight. But now I am just sort of deflated. Willpower doesn't do it - acceptance does. And that's why I think it's so important to question and process. We can, and probably NEED to, just fight through to becoming AF in the beginning. That time away gives so much perspective. But in the end, we have to understand that we should never drink again. At least that's what I have needed. Thanks to you all for your help in that matter.

Well, THAT wasn't cheerful, sorry.

[Marylou123]

Good Morning Nesters,

Happy hump day.

Kensho - that's an insightful post on your part. I think normal drinkers do drink to be social. They just have a shut off valve that we (I) don't. Once I had one, I wanted another and another and another, etc. Normal drinkers don't think about finishing the last few sips of wine if their done with their meal. Good grief -- I made sure my glass(es) were sucked dry. As so many that have come before us have said, and I can now echo, that needing/craving goes away with time AF. It is a burden lifted - a true freedom in so many ways. Last week, the evening before a full day of interviews for me out of town, I had dinner with a friend. We went to a lovely restaurant and ate in the bar (which was gorgeous). She ordered a martini and I had sparkling. Her drink was really beautiful. But not because it was a sexy stemmed glass or that it was filled with some kind of premium vodka. But because floating in the middle was an ice ball with a frozen blue orchid in the center. I had absolutely zero desire nor any craving nor wishful jealousy - rather I wondered, "how do you make an ice ball with an orchid perfectly centered!" I've come a long way baby. :-)

In the earlier days of my quit, I would have been noticing what everyone in the place was drinking. And when they ordered another round. That doesn't even occur to me anymore. I may glance over to see what they're eating, but the beverages hold no interest for me. And I don't worry so much about what I order to eat - particularly the cost - because I'm not adding ridiculously priced cocktails to my tab. The orchid drink was $14! I say...show me the lobster.

Lil - OMG - you're dealing with (actually supporting) a lot right now. Although a full pate, I bet it feels good to be able to be of service for your friends. Sometimes I feel selfish about the gratitude I feel being able to help others - I feel like I'm getting so much more than I give. Does that make sense? It's so fulfilling. A wonderful feeling I was denying myself during my drinking days.

Lav - take care of that inner child!

Ava - congrats on 21 months.

Have a wonderful day friends. Hugs - ML

[Byrdlady]

Good Morning, Nesters!
Hump Day already and Labor Day weekend ahead! I see cookies in my future!

First things first, gotta get thru this day. My BIL's funeral is today and I must say, I dread it...but for all different reasons than 5 years ago. We are leaving around 2 and have a two and a half hour drive to the funeral home. It's from 5-7. I am sure we will stay until the end and beyond, getting home late. We have had a couple other funerals at this location over the last 28 years, and back then, I'd take my booze with me and sneak off to the bathroom for gulps. Holy cow, I cringe to think about how I smelled...I was fooling myself with breath mints. People hugging and such, surely they could tell. What a ball and chain I was wearing (and clinging to). It is a blessed relief to know that I can attend this service and be fully present and unburdened. I am so grateful that I fought my way out of this alco-hell! It isn't always easy, but it is all ways worth it.
Hope everyone has an easy day! Byrdie

[Starfish1]

Good Morning, nesters,

Just checking in here. Wow, reading the posts above, from Kensho, Mary Lou and Byrdie, I see myself so clearly in the glimpses you have shared about your lives in alcohell. I am so happy to be climbing out of the mess and, as Mary Lou said, I always feel I am getting so much more than I give, at this point. Thank you all for all your support.

Kensho, as I have mentioned, for some strange reason, I really don't let myself dwell much on the "FOREVER" concept. Really dear, all we really have is this mom

[paulywogg]

My thoughts are with you Byrdie,have a safe drive

[Starfish1]

:cuss: I dont know what happened, y'all....I had a long, long post written above and the whole bottom third of it somehow didn't show up....Anyway, I'll type it again later...Haha, if there IS a later, even...as you can see in the post I lost, I was trying to say, All we have is THIS MOMENT...right!
Dang, it was a GOOD post too..

[LilBit]

Byrdie, I am thinking of you and feel exactly the same way, cringing while remembering my boozy, un-hidden habit through peoples' funerals and other crises. Marylou is right -- it's a gift to be there for other people. My friend's husband passed away last night, and I felt humbled and privileged to be present for her at the moment of his death. Driving home at midnight, I couldn't help thinking how strange it felt to be the one that people lean upon. Had this happened a year ago, I'd have been so overwhelmed with desperate AL cravings that I couldn't have lasted until late at night. I'd have made excuses, scurried home and hit the wine, all the while telling myself how much I deserved it after such a tough day. And she'd have experienced this tragic loss all alone.

[Lavande]

Greetings Netsers,

Thinking of you today Byrdie :hug:
You know we are all with you in spirit! Be safe on the road.

Lil, I have to say that you are showing some incredible strength & we are all with you as well :hug:
What a blessing you are being there for your friend. I'm sure she appreciates your presence during this time.

I am not watching any grankids toay so I am trying to play catch up with home & business stuff.
Wishing everyone a safe AF Hump day.

Lav

[KENSHO]

Hi Nest! Feeling more positive today. What could be worse than never having alcohol again? Continuing to struggle with it. I think I'm done feeling sorry for myself, time to move forward. There are so many other worse things to be afflicted with. On my 40th birthday, I will be on my 30th day, and that's a good start!

Wishing you strength Lil and Byrdie. Your friends and family are lucky to have you.

Stopping work early today to go run with my kids at "running club". These are the times I feel lucky to have, and it means the world to them that I can be there and present for things in their lives. Hoping everyone has a solid, positive day.

[Fat fella]

Thanks for all the welcome back comments guys, it means a lot. I'm really sorry to hear some of you are going through some very tough times (Lil & Byrd especially).

Another couple of hours and day two will be done and dusted. Not sure how I feel today. Not very good, but not bad, just washed out really. However what I do know is that I will make it to day three. I know my sleep patterns will be messed up for a few days and I will feel like I have the hangover from hell, but this time I am prepared, and expecting this to happen. The first hurdle and target is to wake up on Monday morning on day 7, having made it through the weekend AF. I will be spending a fair amount of time on Friday and Saturday nights right here, so forgive me if I ramble on somewhat.
Hope you are all doing Ok and will catch up tomorrow.

[Starfish1]

Great to see you Fella!

You sound very good! I love that attitude, it's a winning one! Just be sure and eat well, stay hydrated and get as much rest as possible. Also, as you said, read, read, read and post, post, post!

Keep up the good work!

[All done drinking]

Kensho,

I really liked your recent post and realization that you do have a problem. Every alcoholic is not the person who has lost everything and hit bottom walking around with the Brown bag. Statistically the majority are high functioning folks who are holding Jobs, etc. but cannot always control their drinking once they start, or their personality changes once they start drinking. I also liked Lav´s response because as a grandmother too (he´ll be two on byrdie´s birthday!) I didn´t want his safety jepordized in any way or didn´t want to be short with him because I was hung over and feeling miserable.

I definitely have my struggles with not drinking. We are on vacay and we have an open bar in the hotel we stay at for happy hour every night. Even though it´s hard at times to say no to my favorite wine, or to say no to the free wine served on the flight over, I play in my head how the Little buzz is so short lived that it´s not worth setting the craving process going. Honestly, I would start to get anxious once I had a drink about when they´d be back to give me a second. Then that would lead to White knuckling it to not have a third because 3 was always TOO many for me and after all of the angst and anxiety, culminating in poor sleep (because even one drink interferes with REM sleep) I would know it wasn´t worth it, but that first drink got me into that hell hole of a cycle. NO MORE. So, when I have those moments of a Little discomfort when I see the wine bottle, i try to play out those memories of the bad times al created in my life because it´s always easy to remember the good stuff or what we thought was good, and this can fool us into thinking it´s ok to drink again. I don´t think about forever...I just think about the fact that I will not drink today, and if struggling, I will not drink in the next 15 minutes, and then thankfully the craving passes as I end up being able to add another day to the roll call. 100 day club...I´m coming!

Addy
p.s. Forgive me everyone as I am on vacay for 10 days and didn´t have time to read all of the posts here to reply to others, just noticed Kenshos which popped out because I related to it so well. May get more time later. Hope everyone else is doing ok.

[Quit wining]

Addy, good for you for not taking the free drink on board the airplane and distancing yourself from the free AL at your hotel.
Last January, on Day 28, I boarded a plane and was handed champagne. Why not I thought! I can moderate, right? Wrong. I can't. That was the beginning of 7 months of straight, excessive drinking.

Today is Day 11. Last weekend we had a house full of guests, a get together arranged weeks ago. The day they arrived, I walked into the belly of the beast, a huge, brand new liquor store and bought supplies.
I set up the bar and included a few bottles of sparkling water. One of the guests, when asked what I could get her to drink, said she'd have whatever I was having. I told her she might be disappointed as I was just having sparkling water. Everyone looked at me and I told them I had given up drinking AL.
Throughout the weekend, everyone was very supportive. No one drank to excess, like has happened on other occasions. Wait a minute, I used to be one of them!
Anyway, it was a good test and all of the AL was either consumed or taken home.

FF - welcome back! You're doing great!!

So many great milestones this week, congrats to all!

[All done drinking]

Last January, on Day 28, I boarded a plane and was handed champagne. Why not I thought! I can moderate, right? Wrong. I can't. That was the beginning of 7 months of straight, excessive drinking.

Quit wining,

Thanks for your reply to my post. I asked that question on the "dedicated to the quit I love" thread as to how people respond when asked if they want a drink, so appreciated your answer to that question here.

Also, one always wonders with the folks that relapse (especially after hard earned quit time) what led them to that. Maybe sharing some of those stories will help us learn from each other and stay strong. Just hearing how that one free glass of champagne handed to you on the plane got you back into the spiral of drinking is a good reminder for KENSHO with a big decade birthday coming up or of any and all of us who think some "special" occasion or event warrants that drink. As people with alcohol dependency problems, we just cannot risk it. We end up back in hell before we know it. I have been noticing this quit (quit back in the early 90s, abstained for 7 years), and ended up right back in the cycle after I started to believe I could just have a glass of wine with dinner like the "normal" drinkers because "After all, I could abstain for 7 years". As they say in the movie Pretty Woman, "Big mistake, big, big, mistake."

Thanks for your time responding to my post which will make tonight's "no thanks" to wine even stronger. There is no more wining here, because I am simply All Done Drinking.

Addy (All Done Drinking...Yes!)

[Guitarista]

Congrat's QDubbya. That's a great accomplishment friend. Keep it going!

Thoughts are with you Byrdie. Safe travels.

My condolences for your friends terrible loss Lil bit. I think I recall he was a still a young man.

On Lil bit's post about it feeling strange to have people leaning on you, I felt similar last night. I played a gig with some local folks I run a weekly music session with who experience mental health issues (as I have/do as an ex boozer) . A guy I've been working with parents mentioned to me how important these sessions are to their son. It occurred to me how ungrateful I can sometimes be for my natural aptitude and skill set for making music. Where as these people look at a guitar like a lifeline and genuinely wish they could make it sing. Mostly in the past, I have chosen to drink and get numb, over my guitar sitting across the room looking at me.

It's a real crime that boozing numbs the real us and robs us of our truth, our potential, and who we really are. I have been living a numbed down, dumbed down version of the real me where no-one gets to see the unique shining light that we all have, including me. The choice is clear. A life just existing, repeating the same 2nd rate day over and over numbed and dumbed down, or a life of wonder and magic, warts and all.

Don't be bored, be brilliant. :spin: