Newbies Nest

[KENSHO]

Hi Nesties. Sorry for your struggle Addy. And I'm sorry to hear about your friend ABC. It always feels like such a shame when someone cuts short their own life. My heart goes out to you both.

The conversations today sparked a lot of things I wanted to say, but I'm very tired, and am going to focus on dinner, and then bed. I am thinking of everyone, and glad to post here. I've struggled the past few days with having drinking thoughts. I am resisting but it's not as easy as I'd wish. At least tonight, bed is more enticing than anything else!

[All done drinking]

Hello Nesters, I don't usually post here but I follow ABC and Addy's posts on other threads.

ABC-so sorry for the loss of your friend. It is such a shame that your friend didn't find a way out of the AL beast before it took charge and wouldn't let go. Such a young man, too...with his whole life ahead of him. Praying for you that your heavy heart finds comfort.

Addy-wow, the story about your son and his sociopathic behaviors resonated with me. I have no children of my own, but I dated a man with 5 kids, and his youngest was adopted at 2 1/2 years old, and did everything your son did and he got a girl pregnant, too. He has RAD. His adoptive mother was a cold fish who abandoned him, too, so he was abandoned twice and is he ever messed up. He went to jail as a juvenile for beating the mother of his child while he was drunk, and then breaking his parole requirements. Fortunately, he got some really good counseling and seems devoted to his son, who is now 12 years old. But he stole from his father and siblings, just like your son...and even though his adoptive mother has tried to be more loving towards him, he does things that show a lack of conscience. I am reading "The Sociopath Next Door" as my brother was a sociopath and an alcoholic, too. It has really given me some insight. So proud of you for going through this and staying sober as well. GOOD JOB!!!

Wow Rusty. Our son was diagnosed with RAD when he was 4. For those of you who don't know the acronym, it stands for reactive attachment disorder. Happens to lots of kids in orphanages or kids that are severely neglected. He didn't call his birthmom "mom" but called her by her first name. He was 3 when she placed him with us. I am going to get that book. The psychiatrist didn't diagnose him as a sociopath but I think it's because the state would have to pay for inpatient mental health hospitalization if he had a diagnosis like that. He said he had adjustment disorder with depression which didn't qualify for help. Most states just don't want to pay for mental health help. Sadly as we see throughout the world, society pays when troubled kids shoot up schools, etc. I am sure many of them had parents trying to find help for their troubled kids too. Things can always be worse so at least we're not dealing with something like that! Thanks for your input and a big thank you to everyone else who had such kind words and thoughts to share. Really appreciate it.

Addy

[All done drinking]

Thanks for the encouragement I really need it right now this morning was rough, I cried a lot. I think the emotions that I was trying to mask with alcohol are coming thru.I am feeling a bit better now cause I know I've got to pull it together for work. think I will walk downtown before hand and see if I can find some Calms Forte. Feeling a bit jittery but determined to make this work.

It's so hard in the beginning css54. So many of us hide our emotions or drown our sorrows in alcohol only to pay the piper later. Having tough feelings come through with no way to drown them out is hard in the beginning but you will learn ways to cope and become stronger through it all. Hang in there!

Addy

[Pavati]

Hi,

I'm with Kensho - read through but tired and going to bed.

All I can say is WAY TO GO all of you - staying sober when life gets lifey. That's what it is all about.

Strength to you all.

Pav

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters,

Starting out with sunshine this morning, yay!

Cowboy, I read about your friend last night. I'm very sorry that he decided to end his life suddenly. I know the pain, my brother-in-law did the same thing last November right in his garage next door. He was severely depressed, had stopped taking meds & had spent the day drinking with a friend. He just wouldn't let go of the sorrow of losing his son 12 years ago. We have a choice to heal or to hang onto sorrow.

Wishing everyone a great AF Thursday!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Good Morning, Nesters!
My heart goes out to everyone who is in deep water...I mean in every sense. As I look around at the world, I am so blessed. Yes, I have some issues, but as Addy said, they could all be so much worse.

As I was getting ready this morning, I was thinking about that lady who won the lootery (yes, lootery). I know her life is going to change in some big ways. I sat there wishing for a moment.... about what I would wish for if I were ordering "Byrdlady" off the menu. I wish I ate seafood (it is just repulsive to me!). I wish I had 3 million dollars put away so I could quit this life sucking job. I wish I could eat ice cream every day. I wish my colon weren't so tattered and cranky. I wish I didn't need glasses. When I got to the end of that wish list, I realized that AL was NOT on that list at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean DAM! That's BIG! I neither wished I could drink it nor wished I wasn't an alkie.....it just wasn't on the list at all! AND THAT is why STAYING sober and staying connected to support is so vital. I want to keep it off that list. I no longer struggle with AL and it is NOT an issue because it is off the table....NOT an option. Stick with this and YOUR struggle will stop. It is only temporary and you will find peace on the other side. Do whatever it takes to get thru this day AF. It matters! Every consecutive AF day makes you stronger.

I am so thankful that I have found sobriety with an online forum. Thank you all, for helping me keep it! Byrdie

[NoSugar]

I neither wished I could drink it nor wished I wasn't an alkie.....it just wasn't on the list at all!

I agree, Byrdie. I just wrote on another thread that I wouldn't choose to drink alcohol now even if I could. Now that we know what we know about it as a teratogenic, carcinogenic, cell-destroying toxin, why on earth would we choose to consume it?? It has negative effects on everyone who drinks it everytime. Being legal and socially promoted doesn't make it good for us and in fact, it's very bad. I think we're fortunate in many ways to not have the choice to poison ourselves.

[gingerspice]

I cant believe this is Thursday where has the week gone ? Thanks for the explanation Lav , now I know !!
Hi css ,sorry that you are feeling low ,unfortunately we do need to acknowledge that this in our healing process. I think it was Byrdlady that said that drinking stops our emotional development in its tracks. So when we come away from the drink, our poor brain goes into an emotional overload .I was up and down like a rollercoaster for a long time- but you will get through it ,just remember to breathe.
Been out to Hobbycraft and Pets at home with My Daughter, spent too much money -and nearly bought more guinea pigs !!still home now and away from more spending temptation.
Have a good day all and take care x

[Starfish1]

Well, I didn't win the lootery, :lucky: but, according to the calculations (and using a very low number for the estimate of what my drinking was costing per week) I have saved AT A MINIMUM $399 (in abut 8 weeks). Feels almost like a lottery to me! Thanks for calling that to my attention, guys and gals! Byrdie always says to protect our quits like they are gold. Now I understand why!!!

Love you all and thanks for helping me.

[KENSHO]

Whew... what a week. I am so happy to have you all here going through "lifey" things, as PAV says, withOUT alcohol.

Mywayin - great article. It really applies to us. We can see ourselves a broken people who are forced to tear ourselves from something we love (poor us), or we can see ourselves as strong, intelligent people who've rid our lives of a destructive poison and who are becoming healthier every day we don't drink (way to go us!).

Css54 - Give yourself permission to feel like a wreck for awhile. Eat what you want, cry when you want, sleep when you want. It's a roller coaster at first, but it evens out. You will get there, one foot in front of the other.

Byrdie - put so well, it's all about not having to struggle any more. I was talking with an old builder friend of mine yesterday. He said alcohol was his vice. I told him I quit. He said "like for a few days, or lifelong?" I said "lifelong". He was blown away. I couldn't tell whether he was evaluating why someone who's life was not in shambles would choose to quit (or wondering if my life secretly was in shambles), or wondering about his own life, but he got quiet. He asked why (everyone I have confided in does), and I said "because I struggled with it". Who wouldn't want to stop struggling? He was amazed.

ADDY, and those of you affected by RAD, I know of a blog about a woman who adopted two kids form Africa. She talks about her struggles with one of them who has RAD: The White Horse Whispers . I don't have a child with this condition, but I used to carry the weight of my children's happiness on my shoulders. I worried tremendously about their futures, and felt that my influences as their mom would make or break their happiness as adults. Then someone reminded me that our children are on their own journeys. They are here to experience and direct their own lives. What we do as parents matters, but much of their future will be affected by their choices. It's hard to watch people we love suffer (and to suffer with them), but we can only do so much, and then its up to them to play their cards. Just as we are choosing to be responsible for our alcohol use.

We are headed with family and friends to camp by raft and canoe this weekend. I definitely won't have internet access from Friday pm to Sunday pm. I reminded my husband this morning that I would not be drinking, and his response was something like "well, duh!" - like I know, why are you telling me this? Good - that's what I want. Our friends will ask me and wonder, but that's on them. I'm over worrying about the discomfort my lack of drinking has on others. I am making a choice, and they can make theirs. Let's have fun - we will be on a river for God's sake! So I plan to focus on THAT - and on not letting the children fall out of the boat

I'm to that place I was before when I started experimenting with "one drink". The same triggers and urges are presenting themselves. SO I feel that this is where the growing starts again. I know where the path of drinking will lead, so its time to take the other path. I want alcohol and the escape it offers - and plenty of people admit their desire to check out, as if it's normal - but I need to find other ways to "check out". LAV mentioned "slow and steady" - I tend to operate "fast and furious". It's how I'm wired - to be productive under pressure, and I tend to struggle with staying focused. So when I DO get focused, I keep going and going. I don't have the right answer to this, but I know that alcohol is the WRONG answer. That's a start I guess.

So, I'm sending out good thoughts to everyone here. See yourselves as strong, healthy people who love yourselves enough to make the decision not to drink. Good work and way to go!

[Hypernova]

Good Morning, Nesters!
I no longer struggle with AL and it is NOT an issue because it is off the table....NOT an option. Stick with this and YOUR struggle will stop. It is only temporary and you will find peace on the other side. Do whatever it takes to get thru this day AF. It matters! Every consecutive AF day makes you stronger.

I am so thankful that I have found sobriety with an online forum. Thank you all, for helping me keep it! Byrdie

Thanks for this post Byrdie. I have once again made it through 2 weeks and have wanted to post but haven't felt up to it at all. But I did and am using your thoughts of just get through today. It's not an option. Consecutive days do matter is reason enough to realize that if I don't drink today then I will be stronger tomorrow and maybe just maybe I will eventually find some peace as you say. When drinking I feel as if I am entangled by octopus tentacles. Almost impossible to escape from w/o help. Drinking is so pervasive. I have been down this road too many times and am a bit embarrassed by constant on again off again never being able to keep my sobriety. I appreciate having a place to turn to when in distress. After seeing the havoc AL has inflicted on so many people in my life alone I don't know why I would consider it an option. Anyway I don't make any promises other than I will not drink today. Thanks to everyone for all the uplifting posts and info that help me to make it through today w/o Alcohol.

[LavenderBlue]

Good thoughts to everyone dealing with "life being lifey" - I love that way of phrasing it! The lifey parts of life are exactly why I'm still hanging around here, I want my AF voice to be strong and to be close with my support here before the next time life throws me a curveball. Each tough situation you get through without drinking really adds to your sober muscles, and will make you feel so proud of yourself. There really are all kinds of ways to process hard things, it just takes time to find what works for you. I hope you're all proud of yourself for committing to finding those better ways.

I got a phone call yesterday with a verbal job offer! I haven't had such a fast turnaround on an application in years, probably back when my drinking was still somewhat under control. (Note: I don't think for a moment I could go back to that from where I ended up.) I never thought my drinking affected my job prospects, but I'm sure it did, even if just in the way I slowly lost confidence in myself and stopped trying for things that sounded too hard. Interviewing is as much about feeling out the other person as trying to find "good" answers, and that's something I couldn't do as well when AL was running my life.

It's going to be busy for me getting ready to work two jobs, and then working them, but I KNOW I can do it and I KNOW I'm going to be so happy to get a better handle on my debt! It's going to be the next step in really finding my new AF life.

On a sidenote, a friend of mine texted me today; a mutual friend is going to be back in the state next month and she's helping coordinate the plans. She must have forgotten I quit drinking based on some of the activities she asked if I'd want to join in on, but you know it really didn't bother me? I didn't even bother mentioning, just told her which ones I do want to be a part of. Whether she forgot, or just assumed it wouldn't be a big deal to me, I like that my not-drinking is starting to not have to be such a thing. It's still important to me, of course, but it doesn't feel as fraught as it used to.

[Guitarista]

Cool work on the job offer Lav B. And you made it happen!

Congratulations on 2 weeks off the turps Hyper! That's so cool friend. Keep it going.

Kensho, I bet your kids love the camping trips. And what's more, they have a present mum who also kicks major ass.

Closing in on the half century here. It's just another day living life, a life that does not include booze anymore. It is off the table as an option. Consecutive AF days really do matter, so just get through today punters and remember why you quit.

L8tr g8tr's.

[kherriot]

Just checking in, things are good, really glad we have started our workouts again. Time to settle in and try to get back to some sort of a routine. Not much has changed but the coping skills are better and therefore I can help my sister all I can through her problems because she too is an alcoholic and relapse quite often. I have been talking back and forth with her and because she is so busy at work these days she is exhausted when she gets home so eats and then to bed. Doesn't have time to think about drinking. This is good for her, it keeps her going. She like to be indispensable and in control of everything. Will know tomorrow what the results of her test are. I am watching the kid's in Calgary so we can have a visit. Have a great night nesters. Off to buy our Turkey tomorrow, looking forward to it, been a few years. Go Jay's.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Great to see so many checking in today & with good reports too
Changing our thinking & our coping skills will help us reach our goals - works like a charm!

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav