Newbies Nest

[junelivertrack]

Bad neighbour behavior eh? they sometimes (most of the time) push me to my limits... and I don't understand why there could be such inconsiderate people in the world. Mine's the noise-polluting type, I don't know why they have to turn their TV or stereo on so loud, I've knocked on their door once, the woman gave me a nod at my sweet complaint, then I heard her murmur something behind her door.

so that's 3 weeks ago and nothing's changed until now... but I tried to get a strategy. A simple mantra, "There's nothing I can do with their bad behavior, but I can definitely work with acceptance, yes, accepting that I live in a diverse environment."

That could be too "saintly" sometimes, but I learned to sleep with my earphones on. That's better than choosing to go somewhere and you know... They're just making it sooo hard for me to focus! and REST!

I know this is terribly wrong, but sometimes I wish their TV/Stereo (whatever it is) gets broken... osteroops:

[Guitarista]

Sounds tough June. I had a noise issue with a neighbour a couple of years ago, where a video game was just repeating and looping till 2-3-4 a.m. I tried to go with it for awhile. I checked local noise laws and they say no discernible disturbing (in any way to me) noise weekdays after 10 p.m. and fri/sat after 11 p.m. I had a couple of chats with neighbour and fortunately he is a cool guy who just used to pass out with his stereo etc going. I'm lucky He's not a habitual loud tv watcher. I even suggested I buy him some excellent headphones! All really good now, but If he was still making my life misery to get to sleep I would not hesitate (if conversation failed) to bring in the law. There must be some compromise. You can't live like that. Good luck.

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters on this Friday morning!

Chilly but sunny here - nice
The air is refreshing to me & I really don't mind the coolness.

June, congrats to you on your AF time, great job! Maybe you can share some of the tools you used to help others
I'm glad to hear you are feeling better. The thought of liver problems scares me.

LavB, glad you felt so confidant at your fund raiser. I guess accepting that there will be bars almost everywhere we go is what we have to do. I received an invitation to go to a 'watch party' for the Democratic debate from a bunch of Bernie Sanders fans. Yep, it was at a bar, I did not go. Even after all my AF time I just don't want to go hang out in bars, you know?

Hello to everyone & sending wishes for a great AF day for all. Be careful there Matt!!

Lav

[LostSoul33]

Morning nesters!

Woke up at 5am with a burst of energy and a smile.

One day I will explain what happened last night, when I was craving a drink. It was an experience Ill never forget. Id like to call it a little miracle

Im 7 days sober today and very grateful for the MWO community and for whatever is out there, god, spirit, the universe.. something's got my back and I am protected.

Hope everyone have a beautiful day. Life is good :heartbeat:

[LilBit]

Im 7 days sober today and very grateful for the MWO community and for whatever is out there, god, spirit, the universe.. something's got my back and I am protected.

Yay, LostSoul! Just when I had pulled my trousers back up from mooning Mr. V...:butt::congrats:

And Addy -- 90 days! Woot! :thumbsups:

It's so great to see you guys hitting those milestones. 'Keeping the good mojo going through a weekend that's too packed with fun, friends and exciting plans to even think about drinking. That sad, dark & lonely room with only a lipstick-smeared, stinky glass is for someone else who lived a long time ago, not for me.

[Byrdlady]

Lil Bit, I was just gonna say!!!! A girl can't get her britchies buckled back up until another MileStoner crosses over! LostSoul, this one's for you! :butt: You'll get no cracks from us about those first 7, they are the hardest ones and they are now behind you (that just NEVER gets old!!) Addy, 3 months is spooktacular!!!! :three: GREAT JOB, you are blazing the trail!

June, I'm so glad you've got some solid sober time in! Maintenance is the key now! Thanks for the background info!

Kensho, I've been thinking about your situation. I'm no doctor, but I've seen a LOT of people come and go over the years right here in the nest. I would consider myself an SME (Subject Matter Expert) since I'm an alkie myself.( Dear lordy, I'm using acronyms like at work)! I'm not so sure about PAWS in your case, thought that came later on in the process. I think that as we look at sobriety as a process, you get derailed at the same point each time.... When we stop drinking for good, we are giving up a very important relationship. We are, in essence, GRIEVING our loss. The stages of grief mirror the 'getting sober' process. Anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I believe the denial/bargaining stage causes you to go into the weeds. This stage gets many of us. What do you think is causing you to bargain with yourself that a drink is ok? If I were a betting person, I would suppose that it's at this point that you say to yourself, "I wasn't ALL THAT BAD", "To heck with those people on MWO, if I REALLY had a problem, I couldn't have just gone 30 days!" "I'm not as bad as others on there, I never REALLY drank that much!" "What harm is ONE DRINK?" "Everyone else is doing it, so why can't I?" "Why am I being punished here?" Bargaining/Denial. Do any of these sounds familiar? I can tell you one sentence that will quell all of these voices and questions. I know you don't want to hear it, either. I didn't. What do I say when all of these questions come at me all at once and I am overwhelmed by them? I say..... "Because I am an alcoholic." THAT is why ONE drink is so harmful. THAT is why I can't when everyone else can. THAT is why I keep falling when I really try NOT to drink. THAT is why I'm not meeting my goals. THAT is why I drink when I don't really want to. I am an alcoholic.

I totally understand about labels and all that. I hate labels, too. I look at this more as a diagnosis. Why would you ever take the harsh medicine (never drinking again) if you didn't have the disease? (alcoholism). You wouldn't. When I finally accepted that I am an alcoholic, I was able to move forward and accept treatment. I think if you look at the people here that have had long term treatment, they are among the happiest folks here! it's the ones that keep drinking who are miserable! It ain't so bad being an alkie in remission, but it really sucks being one that is active. When I started the 100 Day Maintenance thread, this was one of the first questions I asked posters.....Do you consider yourself an alcoholic? The resounding answer was 'YES, I DO'. If you think about it, how/why could you ever achieve long term sobriety if you weren't? There would ALWAYS be justification to drink at some point! I think everyone knows that an alcoholic should avoid alcohol at all costs, right? So if you avoid labeling yourself, you avoid this treatment. The Alkie LoopHole. When/If I ever write my book, 'Numb and Number', this will be in Chapter 1 (Denial is more than a River in Egypt).

Getting sober is a mindset. I've been on every side of that bottle. Until I got my head right, I wasn't able to do it. Admitting I have the problem (called alcoholism) and doing whatever it took to get sober went a long way. Working thru those stages of grief are important...acceptance is an awesome place to be. It is liberating!

Hope everyone has a strong plan in place for the weekend! It's only Friday, not a ticket to BoozeVille! MindPeace, Byrdie

[Starfish1]

Hi Overit. We have missed you! How are things?

Lost Soul, your miracle makes me happy. I believe in them too!

Hello to all my nest mates and congrats to those with milestones....Heck, congrats to all of us, because each day is a milestone. Right?

I have just now been able to read back through all of the posts from over the past few days. I can't comment directly to folks b/c I can't remember who said what, honestly, but I want to thank you all for each and every post because each of them is important and we learn from them all. Every struggle and every victory makes us all a little stronger.

Guys, my week has been one big challenge after the other. I won't go into all the details, but, in a nutshell, we have had troubled marriage woes (a dtr, not me), vehicle thefts, at my home (valuables left inside the cars, not the vehicles themselves- but the thieves stole credit cards and then had the nerve to use them to buy expensive items), broken down vehicle (only source of transportation to and from a badly needed job), Sick dog and sick cat, requiring expensive medical attention...All of this has happened since Tuesday!

I was about to make a really nice, positive post on Tuesday morning when, well, all hell broke loose and I have barely had time to breathe.

The positive post was about how great I am feeling these days and how happy I am to be sober.

Earlier this week, before I got sidetracked having to deal with tragedies, I was contemplating all the positive changes I have made in my lifestyle over the past couple months and how different I feel about life in general. A couple months ago, all I wanted to do was hide from myself and the world. I was depressed, hopeless and afraid. I was totally unmotivated and just went through the motions of my life…doing only what was necessary to make it through the day. I was selfish and lazy….thinking of nothing but scheduling my life around drinking…getting the drink, drinking the drink, hiding my behavior, getting rid of the evidence and repeating the cycle. What a life. Pitiful, really. There were days I would start drinking before work and drink all day…and then, there were the weekends.
Today, things are so different. I actually feel human again. I feel like “other people”. I am able to cope with life and its problems. My stomach still gets knotted up, but when that happens, I think of ways to protect myself from the angst…and that doesn’t include a trip to the liquor store. I can carry on and remember conversations and events. I can actually invite cops to my house to investigate a theft and not be afraid they will arrest me! I used to avoid cops like the plague (apologies to any of you in that field…you do a great job, Thank you very much!). I exercise every day for one hour. I stay up until late at night instead of passing out before the sun goes down. The list goes on and on, but you all get the picture.

All of these changes are due to one thing and one thing only…I have quit drinking. It isn’t easy to avoid the temptations all of the time. That takes planning and that takes work. But it sure is worth it. Don’t you see? I do!

Star is here now. Star can cope and is reliable. Star can reason and remember and help be a part of the solution, not another problem. I wouldn’t change this for the world. Thanks for all your help!

[Starfish1]

Cross post, Byrdie....but you are right...I could have said all that stuff I said above by just saying "I got me head right!"...I aim to keep it that way too!

[lbardina@yahoo.com]

What is AF?
Thank you in advance for educating me!

[lbardina@yahoo.com]

Your sharing deeply touched my heart! I even did not started yet, waiting for CD's and Topa Rx.
I feel that my cap of Hope is fuller because of your honesty. Thank you, dear StarFish!
I do believe, that all your external troubles were manifestation by egosomatic fear, which might be inevitable during withdraw phase. After all we are creating outside life! It will pass away soon and you will be rewarded with peace and success very soon.
Best to you and your family!

[Starfish1]

Aw, Hugs, labardina:hug::heartbeat: You make me cry. I am glad to be of some help to someone. You helped me too. I will have to look up what egosomatic fear is, but I certainly agree that we are creating a new outside life. I hope we all have peace and success soon (I am talking about all of us on the site!).

I am happy you are starting a new AF (and that means Alcohol Free) life soon. That kind of life is much better!

I have to do some running around so will be away from the computer for a bit. I will check back later today. I am so happy you found the nest, Lbard. Pull up a twig and sit by me!

[KENSHO]

Sorry in advance for the book…

Hi Lbardina! Hope you are having a good day!

LS - I have had a few encounters when I felt divine intervention was the difference between drinking and staying sober. It feels good to know the universe has our backs! Happy to hear you happy.

Starfish, good GRIEF! That's a lot to deal with in a short time. Way to stay sober through it and great job remembering the yuck that drinking was for you. That's something I need to get better at - recalling the yuck.

Byrdie, thank you for thinking about me. I hear what you are saying. I am not sure what it is about that 30-40 day mark that gets hard for me, and I knew it would be a challenge this go around, like it always has been. I think part of it is the distance from the above-referenced "yuck". I start forgetting how much I hated being a daily drinker. Maybe I can fix that by making a long list of the consequences of drinking and referencing them often? I hope I don't sound like I'm making excuses, but I don't have any outward pressure whatsoever to stop drinking - in fact its often the opposite, so this will have to come from within me alone. I do occasionally and inadvertently compare my past habits with others; such as when someone may mention that if they had started with one drink they would have been off, down party lane until the bottles were empty - and I seem to have no trouble having one drink at these points (30-40 days) and stopping… BUT I am still always aware that I am not a normal drinker. The moment I tell myself it’s “OK” to drink, I am back at almost daily drinking within a few weeks, against my wishes. This past weekend, I didn’t believe it was “ok” to drink, I simply didn’t care. I didn’t want to feel what I was feeling and there was no bargaining (except “I want this” - “You shouldn’t” - “I want this” - “You shouldn’t) - In a brief, indulgent second, I decided to f-it and try to feel better. The very, very silly thing about all of this, is that alcohol no longer offers me much relief from anything. It is a sad disappointment. I was able to get a small buzz here and there when I was drinking a month and a half ago - but what it really does and what I think it can do are two very different things. There is still that programming in my brain that generates thoughts that alcohol can help “X” thing, and with enough time away from the consequences of drinking, those beliefs grow. Without the threats from others to stop, I tend to get sucked into faulty thinking about this time each quit.

Importantly, the uncomfortable feelings I was having the two weeks prior to my drinking incident were that something was “missing”. Every September I brace for the autumn blues. I actually get depressed and feel empty and can’t think clearly. Combine this with my hearing problem, and I was in sad shape. It was invisible to others, but I felt terrible inside. I know better though, because every Oct/Nov. things get better. I just wanted an escape from my insides and that is kind of hard to achieve since I’m always with myself

So to be clear, I KNOW that I cannot drink infrequently (i.e. moderate) because it ALWAYS leads me to abusing alcohol after some time. I am fine if this is defined as alcoholism. I do not want to abuse alcohol because I believe that me and my kids and family are better off if I don’t. But for some reason during this quit, I was not feeling grateful for not drinking - like I didn’t feel better for not drinking. In fact I felt pretty poor, so it was like - what’s the difference? I feel like shit drinking, and I feel like shit now not drinking, so what’s the point - maybe I can get some relief from a drink because it’s worked before. So I have that drink, and then I don’t drain the bottle and I don’t make a fool of myself and I don’t say things I regret and I don’t forget what happened and there are no huge consequences from that one drink - so where does that leave me? It makes me feel like I’m a “low grade” alcoholic or something. In a place where I feel I have to use will-power-only to not drink so that I don’t return to bad daily behaviors. I think It’s going to take me CONSTANTLY conjuring up bad memories of how much I hated abusing alcohol - and reading/listening to books/podcasts, etc. to keep my head right. And so here they are: I hated falling asleep early at night reading to the kids, and I hated having alcohol breath while reading to them. I hated being more irritable with husband and less present with everyone. I hated thinking about alcohol so much, and going out of my way to purchase alcohol and consume it before even getting home. I hated the poor sleep. I hated being sneaky, and lying. I hated feeling so sluggish the next day. I hated that so much of my focus was on alcohol instead of family and work and the other good things in life. I hated the aftertaste in my mouth, and standing a few steps back from people so they couldn’t smell me. I hated laying opposite to my husband in bed so he couldn’t smell me. I hated knowing I was leading myself to health problems. Mostly, I hated feeling controlled by my addiction - drinking when I told myself I wouldn’t. It has not helped me deal with a single life problem effectively - it has only offered me an escape from doing the work. Which is a shame. I KNOW I don’t want to be a daily drinker (though I do wish I could be a normal drinker at times), I just lose focus I guess. I got tired of fighting myself and then drinking - but it is just as much of a fight to not drink. SO I operate on the belief that one day, after enough time not drinking, as you all say, the rewards from not drinking will feel like they outweigh the consequences from drinking. It really DOES help to have severe consequences from drinking (though I would not wish them upon any of us), because it is motivating. I just have to move forward with discipline, knowing that I have made the decision to remove an element from my life that is more destructive than enhancing.

I am also afflicted with being a rule breaker - and a fighter and a bit of a rebel, and I seem to invite challenge and conflict and drama to some degree into my life. In those hard times at 30 days when I’m fighting with myself, I often say - what the F - bring it on, because I can handle it. I tend to ignore normal limits and take on the impossible - which has helped me achieve many goals - but it has also been my downfall with things like this. I often don't accept defeat easily, and I am not afraid of a challenge - but at times I should be. Because I’m not in charge when alcohol is in the picture. It’s not a fight I seem to be able to win - but my default thinking is that that if I fight it hard enough or want it badly enough, I can beat anything (a mindset that has been both a blessing and a curse).

I think the best thing I can do is remember DAILY why I don’t want to be in active addiction, and simply understand that one drink will lead me back there (maybe not the next day, but ALWAYS eventually). I say that I am brave, but there are some things I won't do. I would skydive because I feel the risk is relatively low, but I won't road bike, because I feel that I am putting my life in the hands of other drivers. Maybe I need to view alcohol more like that - a life or death decision. I am not saying I am correctly assessing any of this, but it is how I feel.

[NoSugar]

That's a compelling list, Kensho, and one that should be able to help you. I'd encourage you to reframe it, though; negativity never works for me. To me, we've all been granted the opportunity to stop drinking and begin to live the way we want - we should appreciate it. How about this version?:

I love reading to the kids at night and then reading a book or chatting with my husband, and I love snuggling with my kids while reading to them. I enjoy being less irritable with my husband and more present with everyone. I love never thinking about, purchasing, or consuming alcohol. I love a good night of sleep. I'm so glad and proud to be an honest person. I love feeling energetic and enthused about life each morning. I love that my focus is on my family and work and the other good things in life. I love my fresh breath and intimate chats with people. I love cuddling with my husband while we fall asleep. I love knowing I'm living in a way that will help me be as healthy as possible. I love my AF life.

[paulywogg]

Kensho,thank you for sharing that post, an excuse to escape from myself keeps bringing me down I certainly don't want to drink,I just don't know how to overcome the feeling you described so perfectly

[Starfish1]

Pauly, Kensho DID describe those feelings perfectly. As with many posts, when I read what she was writing, I thought to myself that I had said those same words to myself so many times. One difference between Kensho's experiences and mine is that I did have many, many terrible consequences from my drinking behavior and even that didn't stop me. I would recall the bad stuff and I NEVER thought I was "Not that bad"....I KNEW how bad I was. I think what got me every time was just giving in to the desire to escape. I wanted to be numb more than I wanted to be sober.

I kept asking myself what the secret to sobriety was. How is it that SOME people "get it" and some of us keep relapsing? What is the difference?

I still can't put my finger on it, Pauly. It's scary and it's not easy, as I said above. Triggers are everywhere, every day. Just today, after I had posted about all the benefits of sobriety, I walked down the street to the bank. I passed streets that were blocked off for a big beer and music festival being held here this weekend. And yes, although I avoided travelling the offending street, I am sure they were already selling beer at 11:30 a.m. I was hungry. I am still stressed. It's a beautiful day and everyone looks relaxed and ready to start an early weekend. I was tempted to drink. What stopped me? I guess, accountability here, for one, and possibly a brief remembrance of the torture I went through in years past, trying to avoid this same event while I was “on the clock”….All I know is that I made the decision to go back to my office cubicle and eat cottage cheese and drink a diet coke instead of stop at the beer festival. I did not allow myself to dwell on the stinkin drinkin thoughts. I thought, instead, about the ice cold diet coke. That worked THIS time. Something else may work better next time…and I am sure there will be a next time. I guess, Pauly, and Kensho and all of us….Like the wise always say “One day at a time!”.
I’ll say this too- I am only one drink away from never being sober again.
Much love to all!