Newbies Nest

[Rahulthesweet]

Quit Winning , sorry to hear about your relative's death. But you should be hang on the way you are. And also feel good that in any situation you are not clinging to AL.

Mr V you must Pat at your back for staying so strong during a party. I remember during my early sobriety days I used to feel proud not drinking. I felt I have a secret knowledge that AL does no good. It will only make me feel miserable. Had the words of Allan Carr on my mind and of course MWO. That help me stay strong. Funny thing was I was not resisting it. I geneuinly didn't want it.

Byrdlady, many thanks for the suggestions. I wanted to do something like that. Kinda make a collagae of last 11 years of marriage with cake cutting pictures and more. But unfortunately my computer is in first floor and I am grounded and can't go up. Thanks for the encouragement for deal. I am also pretty confident it will go thru.

Pavati, what a funny story.

I saw the movie when man loves a women. Kinda feel sorry for the guy But then could so much relate to the scenes in the movie about slipping out and drinking. The partner in the movie was fixing things for her. My wife used to fight with me when I used to get drunk. I wonder what's good. I remember how I simply ignored her and went on drinking ....

[Guitarista]

Yo Nesters near and not so far.

Wishing you a speedy recovery and peace there Rahul.

Congrat's Q Dubbya on the big 60 and Mr V on the big 14! Bravo fella's. My 60th was on Oct 21st and always thought I was a day ahead of you QW? Either way, it's really good to share this milestone and not millstone with another milestoner!

Hang in there Star my friend. You sure are going through some tough stuff. You are my hero. I am thinking of you.

Dutch, you are also my hero. You are doing an amazing job all round it seems from here. If you drink, yes it will be an immediate, quick relief........BUT. You must remember that with one drink (or several, doesn't matter), you will be opening the door once again. The door that always opens onto the staircase down. It's our body chemistry. Our brain chemistry will revert back to it's old familiar fuel, coping and survival mechanism - alcohol. You will stop the natural rewiring process your brain is currently undergoing (back to normal and healthy fuel to survive), and it will gladly readjust, very quickly I might add, to booze as it's fuel. This where the cravings come in more regularly, the withdrawals telling our brain it needs more of that fuel (AL) to survive/function every day. Your body chemistry has done a lot of the hard yards re internal healing through your AF time. If we drink again, we will undo it and have to start the internal healing process again. I'm sure you know this, but just a reminder from a recent serial relapser who has experienced this phenomena over and over. I don't know if it's possible for you to get a couple of days off away from everything to pause for a break, maybe the mountains, or ocean? Take care of yourself.

I feel I am at the beginning of this AF odyssey. 60 days is still laying the foundations. But geez when I stop, pause, and take a quiet me moment and reflect, it feels good.

Take it easy out there y'all.

[Starfish1]

Thanks, G! You are my hero too. You have helped me more than you know. I am home and safe with no booze in the house.

QW- I had already noticed your signature line and I loved it. Thanks!

The scary thing for me today was that I have really tried to do what I could to pick up my spirits, but the burdens far outweighed the light moments. I could force myself to try to feel better for a few seconds at a time, but the weight of the burdens was stronger. I think the accumulation of trials over many many months has gotten me to a point of despair. I'm not sure what is going to happen next. Each day or week, another problem surfaces. Yes, I just wanted to escape, as Dutch said. And Dutch, I hope you feel better too :hug:. About all we can do is hold out some hope that things will eventually get better.

Byrdie, I think these are things that I WILL remember in 10 years. Too bad, but hopefully, I will at least see that I did survive them and hopefully things will be better by then.

Note to self: I am only one drink away from never being sober again!

[TJAF]

Thanks, G! You are my hero too. You have helped me more than you know. I am home and safe with no booze in the house.

QW- I had already noticed your signature line and I loved it. Thanks!

The scary thing for me today was that I have really tried to do what I could to pick up my spirits, but the burdens far outweighed the light moments. I could force myself to try to feel better for a few seconds at a time, but the weight of the burdens was stronger. I think the accumulation of trials over many many months has gotten me to a point of despair. I'm not sure what is going to happen next. Each day or week, another problem surfaces. Yes, I just wanted to escape, as Dutch said. And Dutch, I hope you feel better too :hug:. About all we can do is hold out some hope that things will eventually get better.

Byrdie, I think these are things that I WILL remember in 10 years. Too bad, but hopefully, I will at least see that I did survive them and hopefully things will be better by then.

Note to self: I am only one drink away from never being sober again!

Star. Your quote is probably the truest sentiment written on this board. We are all one drink away from being sober again. Doesn't matter if we are one day out or 10 years from our last drink. I mentioned in an earlier post that 2 years and 3 months after I took my last drink that when I think of alcohol it's not just one drink. I think in terms of many. When I was drinking, one sip in and I was already thinking about the second. When I looked at a full bottle, I was already worried about the next. That is the facts folks.

The good news is that, in time, my ability to remain sober has become far easier. I have strung days and weeks together when I don't even think about drinking. Sobriety hasn't removed a single demon but boy does it make it easier to deal with life. I experience joys and sorrows to their fullest and that my friends is life. Yes it is good to be sober.

[KENSHO]

Starfish, sending you all the strength I can right now. I hope you choose to not drink. We are here for you!

I am pooped after a very long day - the weather seemed to work out fine. My feet hurt and I'm going to go sit with my family. Just know that I feel so lucky to call you all my friends, much more than alcohol. I choose you guys. Thank you!

I'll catch up more tomorrow!

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Wow, so much to comment on here today.

Congrats to the 60 AF day guys G & QW
Mr V, nice job on the AF bar meeting.

Eloise, all of the things, symptoms, feelings you mentioned made me think I experienced all of that just getting thru menopause. It can be tough physically, emotionally & spiritually. Just my two cents but I do hope you feel better very soon.

Quite a few nasty, horrible situations have popped up for me over the past 6 1/2 years but I have not even considered drinking over them or at them or any of that. I am finally & eternally convinced that AL is not helpful in any situation & definitely not our friend. The friends we have here are the real thing!! We truly have all we need right here

Wishing everyone a safe & peaceful night!

Lav

[Pavati]

Hi, All:

Sorry for you who are struggling. All I can say is that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Keep your sober chops up by taking care of yourselves physically and mentally, and connect with your sober community. It doesn't matter if it is about a loved one's birthday, headaches, or chickens gone amok - all of those things matter to YOU, and therefore matter to us. I read about seeing your thoughts on clouds and watching them float away without judgement (a meditation technique). Thoughts are just thoughts. They'll pass by. Don't judge yourselves for having them - that is natural. Just keep all of your tools in place so that you can easily sit and watch them go by rather than acting on them.

I agree with TJAF - I almost never (never?), even in the early days, only WANTED one drink. I always wanted more. And if only one, why not none??

I had one of those days where I was scheduled from 7:30am until 8:30pm with NO break. I am pooped.

Night.
Pav

[Guitarista]

Pav, schedule yourself in for a Thai massage. I just had one today. Magnificent. 1 hr full body. Now many of you will know I go commando for a couple of reasons, one being comfort (I'd wear a sarong or a kilt everyday if I could), so the massuesse had me put on these disposable knicker like briefs. They were black and er, see through. Now before yis get all hot and sweaty, the receptionist did mention it was a kosher joint with no extra's, which was fine by me. So there I was alone in the room in the briefest pair of flimsy, floosy like black see thru knickers, awaiting direction. No they weren't lacey style. I felt cheap and concerned I'd be seen as an object. But my fears were soon allayed as my masseuse appeared with a warm smile. Like me, she was no oil painting, so I suspected I was in for the real deal. And I was. Geez, we covered every angle in that hour. At one point she jumped up onto the bed as I lay on me back and bent my knee up massaging my upper thigh inside and out. Literally brushing past the crown jewels without a care like the consummate professional she was. Another time she put a hot towel over my forehead and proceeded to deliver 10 lightening fast Muay Thai style punches to me head! There also seemed to be particular attention to the buttock region generally. An unexpected delight I must say.

Then halfway through our session, a bloke enters the next massage room. After about 10 minutes he starts groaning and moaning in ecstatic like tones. Wait a minute, I was told there was no silver service. There wasn't. This knucklehead was just the vocal type. I bet if he got a splinter in his finger, he'd be crying out 'mummy, mummy' all the way to the doctors. If I wasn't having such a relaxed time and wasn't worried about upsetting my host, I'd have grabbed a pair of disposable briefs and shoved em in his mouth with strict instructions to keep them there for 30 minutes. Give me a break. But it didn't ruin the experience. My massuesse and I were one as she wove her traditional Thai magic. I'll be back.

Take it easy out there.

[Eloise]

In an effort to save myself I am reaching out, as mentioned, to a codependency forum. On that path I have found some insightful literature I now understand does relate to my struggle with alcohol, or maybe how I ended up in the ugly alcohol trap.
I am not making any blanket statements, just sharing because perhaps someone else out there might benefit from reading the same literature.
I am reading Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 steps to the true you.
Reading about anxiety and trying to escape future threats (note: ALWAYS at the forefront of my mind).
Escape.
Yup. That is on my mind.
What I really want to share is the part about Falling Down the Well of Shame. I think this Well is closely linked to my need to medicate myself with alcohol. It talks about how this thinking becomes part of our personalities, and this can start at a very young age.
If you wonder why I don't get therapy, don't because I have had it. I am enthusiastically given medication, go to a therapist and things settle down after a while, but I never really get at why I do this all to myself.
For some reason reading about how my brain tricks me into thinking I am worthless has a deeper effect that chatting to someone. I get off track? Forget what we talked about? Go home and drink and then it is all erased?
It kind of goes in one ear and out the other. I also find my therapists do not have much to say, I need tools to stop this downward spiral.
I see the link to drinking because the obvious way out of these thoughts for me has been to drink wine. 'Have some wine, you will forget all about it.'
Which works, for a short time. Same old story I know.
I have to stop thinking I can control what people do or how they react. It isn't possible. I can only manage how I react. How I feel and I think I am a bit of textbook example of a codependent. I was in denial about it because I used to think 'dependant on who?' I have no one, I lived alone and was vigilant about not letting people in. Now I see that is part of it too.
Ugh. Can't live another 47 years like this, that is for sure!!

[Eloise]

Good evening Nesters,

Wow, so much to comment on here today.

Congrats to the 60 AF day guys G & QW
Mr V, nice job on the AF bar meeting.

Eloise, all of the things, symptoms, feelings you mentioned made me think I experienced all of that just getting thru menopause. It can be tough physically, emotionally & spiritually. Just my two cents but I do hope you feel better very soon.

Quite a few nasty, horrible situations have popped up for me over the past 6 1/2 years but I have not even considered drinking over them or at them or any of that. I am finally & eternally convinced that AL is not helpful in any situation & definitely not our friend. The friends we have here are the real thing!! We truly have all we need right here

Wishing everyone a safe & peaceful night!

Lav

You know Lavande I went to my GP about my headaches and anxiety thinking maybe part of it was premenopausal and he told me 'women always think their problems are related to hormones, go get therapy.'
Somehow, although annoying, he made me take a hard look at what else might be going on?
I am not going to therapy here because of the language problem. Yeah, people speak English here but there is so much that is misunderstood through subtities of the language.
Since he said that to me I have only had one headache to be honest. Not that I have been more relaxed but maybe less worried that there is something physically wrong. Somehow that has given some relief? Also, I have been told since childhood that eventually it is inevitable I will become like my mother (who is now paranoid psycho) no WONDER I am a little uptight!

[Byrdlady]

Wow, lots going on in the nest!
G-Man, I nearly needed a cold shower after your rendition of your fabulous massage! I have had a few and I just can't let go as you describe. Sorry the noisy neighbors nearly ruined your moment. Isn't that just the way?

Eloise, I know I'm an outsider and we have certainly never met, but you are one of the warmest, kindest and most empathetic people I 'know'. If you have social anxiety, it certainly doesn't show on these boards! But like Lav says, maybe it's because you are among BEST friends here. We know things about each other that NOBODY else knows! I hope and pray that you move forward in comfort and peace. We think you are TOPS around here....after all, you are PP1!!!

TJ, your comments about just one drink makes me remember two mile posts in my path. During one of the first weekends of my LAFQ (Last and Final Quit.....Oh Lord, please help me to STOP using acronyms like at work, I will kick that habit by COB today!) my quit-mate said she was going shopping with her friends that weekend, and that they usually stopped for lunch and had a wine. Then she said, 'What good is ONE glass of wine going to do for me?' THAT STUCK....and all thru the weekend when I was bargaining with myself that I could hold it to ONE glass, I would pull that up and it worked. The answer is: One glass is not going to do me ANY GOOD, in fact it will do me bad! Then a few months into my quit, I had a company meeting in Atlanta. I got to the room and there were two pony bottles of wine, one white and one red. I thought "Isn't this rich! Ok, we've got wine....but I don't think two small bottles is going to do the job...." Right then and there I gathered the bottles up and put them in the corner and covered them with the plastic laundry bag! I made THEM look stupid (instead of the other way around! No, you are so right....we are NOT after one drink (no matter WHAT we tell ourselves, trying to bargain our way out of this).

Hope everyone has a peaceful day! Byrdie

[Eloise]

Byrdie, thank you. You are no outsider for me. I feel like I am just trying too hard to make things work here.
Thank you so much for your post. I think my self-esteem has really been taking a hit since moving to the Netherlands, no I know it.
I think people can be so involved in themselves that they just never think about what is going on around them. My husband's cousin is in a far worse place then I hope I ever will. I know this.
She is completely lost and cannot make a decision about anything to save her life.

I will get through this. Going to Mozart tonight, I think I may have to start going to him more often again.
By the way Brydie, I am taking a class with an old instructor in NYC and it is really motivating me to spend time on my own work.

I have to remember that I am so lucky to have the art training I have had, time to paint, and my own art program.
I need to remember that I AM this art program. And if we decide to move, I will just make this program work somewhere else.
It is not this building that makes it work it is my hard work. I plan to focus on getting myself out of that Well in the coming weeks, and making a plan for our future. And come hell or high water, it is going to be a peaceful and happy one.

What I cannot decide is should we try and move back to the US?

[TJAF]

Mozart is wonderful medicine but if you want the cure, close your eyes and listen to Verdi's masterpiece La traviata

[Matt M.]

How yall are?

Checking in, been a few days since I posted, which is a bit hypocritical being that I preach staying connected, anyway shame on me.

Been a crazy week or so at work and at home. Started having pains in my neck and right shoulder last weekend, I blew it off as getting old and a old injury flare up. Tuesday that sore neck turned into a couple of painful sores, that hurt like no other. I am the not so proud recipient of shingles. Pretty sure I would not wish that on my worst enemy.

Had a rough couple of weeks at home as well, the wife and I arguing about pretty much everything. What started as a small disagreement escalade into tit for tat, and keeping score. We sat down last night and officially called a truce.
Arguments are few and far between with sober Matt in the house, and we like it that way.
There are positives and or gratitude that came out of this tif we were in.

I am so grateful to be sober and present for life challenges! Not one time did I wake up and have to try and remember if I said something hateful or irrational while arguing the night before. And although frustrated a few times, my anger level was almost non existent. Again I am so very grateful to be sober today!

The biggest most rewarding thing that came out of this is not one time in the last week did I consider drinking or drowning out my problems! That my friends is a feeling like no other! A true feeling of liberation and freedom. As God as my witness I never thought in a million years that I could handle life and especially extra stressful life issues and not want to drink..

In fact I did the opposite, instead of immediately thinking of a drink I picked up the phone and shared my issues with my MWO sponsor/mentor (which I highly recommend btw- buy not mine, they are taken)
Anywho that's all I got
Stay hard freaks!

[Starfish1]

G-man. What a story. Loved it! I have never had a real massage, but you just sold me on them! Sounds very relaxing. I wonder what the women wear though? I’m a pretty private person….Kind of scary!

TJ- Thanks! That quote is one of the things that got me through yesterday. I kept repeating it to myself.

El- Thank you too! I will read up on co-dependency. I know a little bit about it and I think I definitely fit into that category. I was ashamed A LOT as a child…(even more so as an adult)

Also, El, the statement you made about us only being able to control OUR reactions. That's one of the things that really bothered me yesterday. I know that! I hear it repeated over and over again! I know about the attitude of gratitude. BUT, yesterday, no matter how hard I tried to get myself out of my blue mood, the pain and worry was still there. I could think “happy thoughts” but the big burden still loomed. I felt like a drowning victim...waving (to my own brain) for help and getting knocked down repeatedly by waves of despair. The fact that I couldn’t pull myself out of it made me feel even worse. I finally decided it was some screwed up brain chemistry (a physical symptom of my alcoholism…PAWS maybe) and went with that.

I am not going into any of this detail to get response from anyone. It is only to document the way I was feeling and the struggles I had. I feel and felt guilty being such a drag on the site, but, I have kept problems to myself in the past and that didn’t serve me well, so I posted them yesterday.

I am happy I didn’t drink yesterday. It was a real toss-up. It was scary. Even though I tried with all my might to feel better and I reached out for help here and received support , I didn’t know if I would make it home sober or not. On the way home from work, I made a conscious effort to question myself about why I should not drink. The deciding factor yesterday was my family. Although I haven’t even discussed my abstinence (this time) with any of them, they have begun to expect seeing the sober star. It would hurt and disappoint them deeply to see me drinking again. They’ve been there and done that. Never has worked out well. Ever.

I made it home. I walked my dogs. I cooked a little dinner. I looked at the site and saw the post from Dutch. Thank you for your post, Dutch! I am sorry you were going through a bad day, too, but I at least had a kindred spirit! I went to bed as soon as possible. That’s how I made it.

Today, I feel better. I am happy that I feel better. Even though, in the back of my mind, there is a little voice that says “the other shoe can drop at any time”, I feel stronger. Just one more day of sobriety under my belt does make a difference. My happy thoughts are in charge today. To boost them along, I petted my dogs a little more this morning (thanks QW)! I put on a pretty dress and shiny shoes. I painted me lips red. I used extra cream in my coffee (a special treat). Who knows what else the day will bring, but me and my unpredictable brain are up for it! Massage anyone?