Newbies Nest

[TJAF]

I had the same thing happen to me when I went to my first physical after I stopped. My liver function was normal for the first time in years and I immediately thought that maybe I should celebrate... that was over two years ago so mind over matter won for once. I was so bad in my last stages of drinking that I would quit drinking, gobble down every supplement and liver cleanse gimmick I could find and exercise for a week in advance of my blood test, just to hope for a better liver function test. I would literally leave the blood testing lab and run for the nearest liquor store. The befuddled alcoholic logic at its best!

[KENSHO]

Here. Feeling pissed off. Trying to integrate AF MWO world into my daily world and feeling a disconnect. Trying to get my head right - something only I can do. So just hanging and reading, but here and ok.

[Starfish1]

Kensho :hug: What's up?

[KENSHO]

This quit, I never made a plan. I just stopped. And expected everything to be great because I wasn’t drinking. It wasn’t great. I wasn’t doing the work to change the things that were causing me to want to drink. So I drank.

It’s hard to do this when I’m not motivated to work on myself. I’m too tired all of the time. But I can’t just say “stop” and be unprepared to “recover”, i.e. work on stuff when the alcohol goes away. I need to make this a priority and give myself a full artillery of tools and re-create a plan and some boundaries with myself. It’s going to be hard for a couple years. I’m going to give myself that. Allow it to be hard, allow myself to not make work my entire priority, allow myself to not drain myself for others - until I have mastered this for myself. Long term goal: feed my body, feed my soul (i.e. take care of myself), be willing to work through life without alcohol. Allow myself to not feel “top of my game” - and appreciate when I do. Do what I can for my physical health, but be ok when I feel like crap. Give it 2 years to balance out. Now is for me. It’s time to focus on me again.

I commit to this list of things - no matter what - for 96 days (which means I report back on Jan 1, 2016):
- have a juice or smoothie every day (get the good nutrition even if I eat the bad)
- supplements every day (b-complex, multi, omega-3, probiotics)
- exercise or stretch every day (even if it's walking around the block)
- water in, alcohol out every day
- go to bed by 11:00 EVERY NIGHT. NO LATER. (this will feel very hard for me. I catch up with what I haven’t done during a day at night - a balance problem for me). It’s so funny that the two physical manifestations I am having relate to balance - my feet and my ears/vestibular. HELLO?! OK, I get it. Not sure I know how to solve it, but these things are a start for taking care of myself.
- compile a concise list of texts - mine and others - that are inspiring, telling and motivating for balance and alcoholism.
So I will do these things even if I am tired. Even if I want nothing more than to not do them - I will DO THEM. Period. Without alcohol. I don’t have to like it, but I will do it. And I don’t have to do anything else - just these things for 96 days.

Previous stumbling blocks - when I have thrown in the towel:

1. Wanting to feel connected with hubby (& others) - to feel close to him by doing something together we always did - escape, get fucked up, be free of mind, rebel, get crazy, be loud, laugh, not care. How can I do those things without alcohol? THAT’s a huge thing I can figure out. It will take time.
2. Wanting to find a way to de-stress and escape and reward that doesn’t feel like such a deviation from my normal (wow, that sentence is telling in and of itself… by definition shouldn’t it be a deviation?) Spa? Shopping? Relaxing music? Tea ritual? Tattoos? Crafts? Need others.

Anyway, I commit to this. A way of life - not just "not drinking".

[LilBit]

Lil that was some impressive flexibility and balance, how'd you open up your hips like that even after a hip replacement? My spinning back kick would be much faster if I didn't have to bend so far over to get it up to someone's head, I am jealous!

Thanks, Dutch. That was my big fear -- that I wouldn't get my flexibility and strength back after the injury & surgery, which was why I thought Rahul might be encouraged to see it. It took some time, some work and some persistence but daily stretching after skating/working out eventually paid off.

Matt, hugs to you from this old cougar. Rawr.

Byrdie, thanks for your insightful post as always. I marvel at how many AF days you've racked up and the way that you not only post, but always write things that are relevant and fresh, as if you'd just experienced them yesterday.

X-post, Kensho -- some good thoughts and plans you have, there! I like how you identified your previous stumbling blocks and some ways to mitigate them. Go Kensho!

[frances]

I knew someone who had a drinking problem..one night she drank they found her on the bathroom floor she had hit her head on the toilet and died.. I haven't thought about that in many years wow..

I once passed out with stuff on the stovetop cooking. Woke up to the basically pan melting over the stovetop. I lived in a high rise apartment building. All I could think of was what if something caught fire and not just me, but others in the building got hurt/died?! Did I stop drinking? Nope. Not for another 20+ years. So many 'out of control' blackout/passouts in my younger partying days - dangerous stuff. Anything truly was possible. When I got older and had kids it toned down a little but still drinking every night and excessive drinking of a bottle of more a night was not at all uncommon. I'm glad I was able to survive and not hurt anyone during those days.

[paulywogg]

Kensho,great list,that's one thing that I need to do is work on fixing myself and coping without AL but darnit,I just don't know HOW! The want is definitely there,its just the how that I can make the want the reality

[available]

[QUOTE=j-vo;1640535]I want this quit more than anything right now. QUOTE]

Jvo I had to change my thinking from "right now" to "forever". Hard as it to accept forever that is the way for us alkies and it is truly a much better life.

[Byrdlady]

I thought this might be a good time to post this from the Tool Box. We dont all start out as Stage 4 alcoholics. If you recognize yourself anywhere in this spectrum, be smart and quit while you are ahead. This disease doesnt just go away, it gets worse.

From the Tool Box:
Alcoholism is a progressive degenerative disease that includes the following four symptoms: craving, physical dependence, tolerance, and the loss of control.

Alcoholism is a complex topic that can be better understood when it is studied and assessed via the four alcoholism stages. And keep in mind that when the term "alcoholism" is used, this also means "alcohol addiction," "alcohol dependency," or "alcohol dependence."

Alcoholism: The First Stage

In the first stage of alcoholism, drinking is no longer social but becomes a means of emotional escape from inhibitions, problems, inhibitions. Stated differently, during the first stage of alcoholism, drinking is, in many instances, a psychological attempt to escape from reality. For instance, early in the disease an individual starts to depend on the mood-altering effects of alcohol.

Another observable characteristic of the first stage of alcoholism is that a slow and gradual increase in tolerance develops, meaning that more and more amounts of alcohol are needed for the individual to "get high" or to "feel the buzz." For example, it is common for problem drinkers in the first stage of alcoholism to start gulping one or two drinks before attending a social function and then to increase social drinking to 3 to 5 drinks per day.

Alcoholism: The Second Stage

In the second stage of alcoholism, the need to drink becomes more powerful. For example, it is common during this stage for the problem drinker to start to drink earlier in the day.

As tolerance increases, furthermore, the individual with the drinking problem drinks not because of psychological tension or stress relief, but because of his or her dependence on alcohol. During this stage of the disease, even though the "loss of control" does not occur on a regular basis, it is, nevertheless, starting to become more noticeable by others such as relatives, family members, neighbors, friends, and co-workers.

Also during this stage of the disease, the problem drinker may begin to feel more concerned and embarrassed about his or her drinking. Often during this stage, problem drinkers are unsuccessful in their attempts to stop drinking.

In this stage, physical symptoms such as hangovers, blackouts, hand tremors, and stomach problems increase. Interestingly, instead of seeing their drinking as the root of the many problems and issues they experience, however, drinkers with a drinking problem in this stage frequently start to blame others and things external to themselves for their difficulties.

Alcoholism: The Third Stage

In the third stage of alcoholism, the loss of control becomes more severe and more observable. This means that problem drinkers are unable to drink in accordance with their intentions. For example, once the individual takes the first drink, he or she commonly can no longer control further drinking behavior, in spite of the fact that the intent might have been to have just "one or two drinks." It should be stressed that an important aspect of this stage of the illness is the following: the drinker often starts to experience more serious drinking problems as well as alcohol-related employment, relationship, financial, and legal problems.

In the third stage of alcoholism, it is common for the problem drinker to start avoiding friends and family and to show a lack of interest in activities and events that once were fun or important. Also typical during this stage are "eye-openers," that is, drinks that are taken whenever the problem drinker awakens. Eye-openers are taken mainly to "calm the nerves," lessen a hangover, or to quiet the feelings of remorse the individual occasionally experiences after a period of time without consuming a drink.

As the drinking increases the individual with the drinking problem starts to neglect most things of importance, even necessities such as food, water, personal hygiene, shelter, and personal interaction. And finally, during this stage, the drinker often makes half-hearted attempts at getting professional medical assistance.

Alcoholism: The Fourth Stage

The fourth and last stage of alcoholism is characterized by a chronic loss of control. In the earlier stages of the illness, the problem drinker may have been successful in maintaining a job. Due to the fact that drinking during this stage frequently starts earlier in the day and commonly continues throughout the day, however, few, if any, full-time jobs can be maintained under these conditions.

In the earlier stages of the illness, the problem drinker had a choice whether he or she would take the first drink. After taking the first drink, the drinker typically lost all control and would then continue drinking. In the last stage of alcoholism, however, alcoholics no longer have a choice: they need to drink in order to function on a daily basis.

During the fourth stage of alcoholism, benders are typical. More to the point, in the fourth stage of alcoholism the alcoholic frequently gets helplessly drunk and may remain in this predicament for a number of days or weeks. The unattainable goal for the drinker while engaging in his or her bender is to experience the "high" they he or she once experienced.

In the second or third stages of alcoholism the drinker's hands may have trembled slightly on mornings after getting drunk the previous night. In the fourth and last stage of alcoholism, conversely, alcoholics get "the shakes" whenever they attempt or are forced to refrain from drinking.

These tremors are an indication of a serious nervous disorder that now affects the drinker's entire body. When "the shakes" are combined with hallucinations, furthermore, the result is known as "the DTs" or delirium tremens. The DTs are a potentially deadly kind of alcoholism withdrawal that almost always takes place unless the alcoholic receives immediate alcoholism treatment. It may come as no surprise that after an attack of the DTs, more than a few alcoholics promise to never drink again. Sadly, most of them do not and cannot fulfill their promise. Consequently, they more often than not return to drinking and the alcoholic drinking patterns and drinking problem start all over again.


From the information discussed above, it can be concluded that the four stages of alcoholism paint a bleak picture for individuals who are alcohol addicted. Perhaps learning about the destructive and damaging outcomes and the unhealthy nature of alcoholism may not make a much of an impact on most individuals who are already chronically alcohol dependent.

It is hoped, however, that by exposing the facts about alcohol dependency and about the stages of alcoholism to our youth BEFORE they start consuming alcohol in an abuse and irresponsible manner will prevent many of our teenagers from experiencing the drinking problems and the unhealthy and devastating realities suffered by most alcoholics

Finding a quality treatment program can be a difficult process. That's why it is important to log on & post here daily and of course other forums or organisations like this,
copied from web.[/QUOTE]

[j-vo]

Ava,
In my heart (and head this time), I know it's forever, but I like the one-day-at-a-time thinking. I just want to think about right now and not think about my future, except for the fact it will be better as I stay away from alcohol.

Kensho and Pauly,
I believe our lives, health will be fixed as we continue to take this one day at a time. It's like losing weight one day at a time. We can't expect to lose 10 lbs in 5 days. We'd like to, but time is the key.

My day's thoughts are consumed wtih not drinking, drinking that caused me so much pain mentally and physically, this site, stuff I read, famiy members who have the same disease, and the fact I'm not willing to give up anymore of my time to alcohol. Yes, I have drinking dreams every night. I wonder if they'll ever go away. I doubt it. It's been my life for so very, very long. They are not pleasant dreams at all. The dreams are not me having a good time with others drinking. It's always a drinking dream that something bad happens to me, embarrassment, a physical injury, fighting with someone over how much I drank.

Plans are a good thing Kensho, but don't plan too much so that you stress yourself out. The one thing you said you will miss or had missed was going out with your husband and having a carefree night, getting crazy. We have done that for years, and it's going to be a big change in our weekends. But I'm going to try and focus on the fact that my Saturday and Sunday mornings won't be crap, and not just the mornings, but the hangover weekends. That really sucks, losing your whole weekend because of a few hours of drinking. Not worth it anymore.

[Guitarista]

Jvo and Kensho,

Talk about getting crazy. I went out on a date last night and we got crazy! No booze. I had a ball and so did my date. It wasn't too hard for me when I just relaxed, focused on the enjoyable company and stayed in the moment.

67 in da bank, S'up!

[Byrdlady]

You will be fun and carefree and happy again, with no AL in sight. That YOU that has been buried under the false sense of security is still down there. All of the things you think al provided are a lie. Once you learn the skills to live, laugh and love you will be so glad you moved along. I thought Al made me funny, more relaxed, but i was wrong. I was an embarrassing drunk. Nothing sexy about that. We have BETTER times now than we did then, and I remember them. I dont pick fights. If al is the only thing keeping your marriage together, then your eyes are about to be opened. Better to find out now than in 10 years. Right? Get Al out first , you will be amazed at what falls into place after that. AL is the problem. B

[idefineme]

I did not make it through day two. Disappointed in self.
I just really want to say that although I haven't been around here much, I really, really like what I've seen. I have tried other organizations, meetings, and forums and I have to say that at some level I felt some judgement in each. Maybe that's purely my stuff, but I just don't feel that here. I did not make it through day two and I am disappointed in myself nearly to the point of not wanting to ever show my face in here again. I failed. But what I have seen here is that the people that fall off the proverbial wagon are not shunned and shamed. They are encouraged to forgive themselves and give it another go. Positive support, encouragement and love. I'll jump back on and hopefully stay on this time.

Thank you all for being here

[abcowboy]

idefineme, I think your signature pretty much describes MWO, lots of seats on this wagon, hop back on!

[NoSugar]

Plans are a good thing Kensho, but don't plan too much so that you stress yourself out.

You took the words right out of my mouth, J-vo. It sounds to me like you've got a pretty good medium-term plan laid out there, Kensho. It sometimes is easier to make more that one positive change at at time - you get kind of a synergistic effect. But, my experience has been that if I'm too intense about it, a mistake in one area can lead to a huge fall in all of them (I ate the one Milano cookie so I might as well eat all 15 in the bag so why not have a row of Lorna Dunes and of course I can't go running now because my gut is about to explode!). It sounds a little crazy but if all of your "good behaviors" are too strictly adhered to (because you feel like you "should", not because you want to or enjoy them), the failure to drink your smoothie or take a walk can actually become a "reason" to have a drink later that day. When I broke my self-imposed diet and exercise "rules", I would them break them like crazy all day (for the for sure LAST time...), vowing to start again tomorrow. I hope that your primary plan is to do whatever it takes not to drink - everything else needs to support that or if it doesn't, put aside to be dealt with later.

In the short term, the plan needs to focus on how you handle it when you're bored, your child is whiny and sick, your husband acts like a jerk, or you don't get the contract you spent days preparing the bid for. Is all the alcohol out of your house? Are you planning to come here and post before you drink? Do you have someone you can get in touch with if you're in an immediate crisis? The Toolbox is full of different people's short-term plans for getting past an addiction.

I actually gave up most of my personal 'good' habits and goals when I quit. I stopped going to the gym. I didn't socialize. I went to bed at about 8 or 8:30. I didn't read books or watch worthwhile movies or shows. I didn't cook fancy meals. All I did for several months was my job and family responsibilities , hang out on MWO, read about addiction, watch documentaries on the subject, and not drink. I had no energy or enthusiasm but it was ok because I wasn't drinking. I wasn't well but at least I wasn't being controlled by an addiction. All of that slowly improved and I returned to old activities when I wanted to, not at a set time. Looking back, it was kind of a special time spent thinking about how I wanted the rest of my (AF!) life to be (and I ditched some of my former "good" habits that I didn't really enjoy and was only doing them because I thought I "should" - AF life is too short for that :smile:!).