Newbies Nest

[Byrdlady]

Shambles,
Every single one of us knows that shame and disgust. This is a site for alcohol abuse, you are certainly among people who understand and who can help. It takes an alcoholic to help an alcoholic. Tell us all about what happened. Byrdie

[j-vo]

Always loved that post from TurnAgain. Thanks for reposting.

Addy, what you said in your post really resonated with me. Every bit of it. I was trying to copy and paste, but iPad has other ideas...Alcohol beat me more than once a month, but it really doesn't matter how much. I had to throw in teh towel, and I was ready to accept that. I feel peace at the moment, and I know this feeling may not be steady, but I believe a big reason for it is the surrender and acceptance. I am a person who cannot drink at all. That certainly relieves a lot of fears, especially my health concerns. But so many other things that will change with time.

Star, I'm kind of doing what you said above. I'm not worrying about what I"m eating too much, although eating too much junk makes me sick at my age. It's def. not worth feeling like crap if I don't have to. And yes, I'm still smoking some, but I know that's going to be another thing I"ll need to tackle...down the road. A little exercise here and there, and it helps with my energy level. That's it. Doing what I need to do, which is stay focused on my quit, on this site, and taking care of necessary business and family. I would like to work towards some of the things that Turn Around said in her post.

[Starfish1]

Hey J-vo, when I first started back this last time, Ava said to me "Rome wasn't built in a day". It made me laugh, but I have said that to myself often over the past couple months. We are doing good things here and we need to be patient with ourselves!

x0x0

[Matt M.]

J-V0
My day's thoughts are consumed wtih not drinking, drinking that caused me so much pain mentally and physically, this site, stuff I read, famiy members who have the same disease, and the fact I'm not willing to give up anymore of my time to alcohol. Yes, I have drinking dreams every night. I wonder if they'll ever go away. I doubt it. It's been my life for so very, very long. They are not pleasant dreams at all. The dreams are not me having a good time with others drinking. It's always a drinking dream that something bad happens to me, embarrassment, a physical injury, fighting with someone over how much I drank.

.

Browsing back on the last few days. This post about drinking dreams from Jvo jumped out at me.
I have experienced these dreams in all of my past quit attempts, including this one. These dreams always ended in shame, guilt and remorse, at first I didn't know what to think about these dreams, other than the fact that usually "not drinking" would be on my mind at the time.
My last relapse was after 10 months of AF time, I remember having "a dream" that I blew 10 months and was soon right back were I had ended, But I couldn't wake up from that reality. It wasn't just a dream. It's quite shocking to dream that you've woken from a dream but then discovered that it was not a dream at all. :huh: I think that makes sense....
This was one of my lowest moments, so many times before I had awaken to be grateful it was a dream, this time I had been awaken alright, with another swift kick in balls (or ball depending on who we are) by Alcohol.
This was one of the many accumulative " here's your sign" moments that I am so grateful for today!
I still have the occasional drinking dream, for me as long add I keep waking up feeling that dreaded feeling then I'm OK. Either way, I believe a relapse dream will provide you with useful information about your current state of mind, so it’s not all bad!

That's all I have to say about thats!
Stay Hard Wierdos!

[LilBit]

Lilbit, saw this, and of course thought of you.[ATTACH=CONFIG]1789[/ATTACH]

Haha, love it! Next time, I want them to give me the hip that does a perfect Axel every time. It's nice though, walking around, knowing that I have a $90,000 derriere!

Speaking of buttocks (always a good segue) this has been such a weird week, with everyone seeming to wear them on their shoulders. Maybe it's the full moon or all the bad ju-ju of the Halloween week but people who are normally really sweet have been arses, and the people who are normally not-so-sweet have been complete, first-rate arses. If this was a year ago, and AL weren't off the table, I'd have been hitting it hard.

I remember the feeling well, of using AL as comfort when people were unkind. It was one of my big triggers. Believe it or not, I'm a sensitive soul and there were many times when all I wanted was to curl up in my jammies with a glass of something, hide from the world and lick my wounds. It was only later that I discovered my so-called comforting friend, AL was no friend at all. Eventually, I still had come out of hiding, come down from the numbness and deal with those people in the real world. On top of that, I'd have the hangover, the anxiety, the guilt...you know -- the little "care" package that AL leaves with you that makes dealing with people even harder.

This time, I'm just calling it like I see it. Sometimes, people are horses' bottoms. I generally try to be less easily offended in the first place and then, when someone actually does hurt me, to immediately forgive them and let it go. Don't get me wrong -- I still feel it. But, I'm finding that the less time and energy I devote to thinking about yukky stuff, the easier it is to just move on.

[Guitarista]

Turn again :heartbeat: Thanks for that repost Byrdy.

For me it's been a huge advantage understanding what is going on inside my body with and without booze.

69 in the bank. Negotiated a day out with a teary mum yesterday (after she had 2 wines - rare for her, once in a blue moon). She's ok, but a bit of a heavy going convo at end of day and a drinking trigger for me that I'm aware of and have to be careful with. I'm ok to hear about our childhood and the tough times, but must admit I start getting weak and feeling fragile emotionally at this point. Maybe when I'm a year AF i'll be better able to handle that stuff. I hope she see's a counsellor sometime to unload some of this stuff, but she's not too keen on the idea as yet.

xpost Lilbit hiya!

Yep, when folks are unkind in attitude to me, I try to remember it is never really personal, as it can't be if I dissect it all. It's often coming from them, and is their issue. They're having a bad day. No excuse to take it out on me, but it helps me to understand some of it. I get my own back dealing out unbridled road rage!

Good to see ya Shambles. Keep us posted mate.

Anyway, take care out there and throw in lashings of self lovin'.

[Starfish1]

Hey Lil Bit, Mr G....I had that same experience at work today. Our Secretary is a person who seems really friendly some days and not so much on other days. On occasions in the past when she has seemed sort of cold to me, I have felt bad and even tortured myself wondering why she didn't like me or what I had done to cause that kind of treatment. Today, I just brushed it off and said to myself "She's just like that sometimes."...I am so glad that I am not letting other folks control my emotions as much as I did when I was drinking. It's not easy sometimes, but like you, I think it will get easier with practice. Thanks!

Mr. G! How did you get to be so wise! You are always so filled with common sense advice and approaches to life's little challenges. I am glad you were able to analyze the situation with your mom and protect your quit. You are doing great!

xoxo

[Guitarista]

Hey Starfish. Thanks buddy.

Good job with the secretary deal. I bet she has a mega giving side to her reserved only for special occasions. :happy2:

I'm just another dreamer strumming a guitar. :llama:

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Back home from a busy day with a 4 1/2 year old, goodness! These awesome days would not be possible if I hadn't chosen to kick AL out of my life when I did. I remain grateful

Shambles, please join us in the nest & let us know how we can help you!
One thing I know for sure is that nothing changes if nothing changes. If you really want different results then you have to make a plan.

Lil, oh that hip, ha ha!!!!
Nice one Mr V.

G, do you think your Mom is depressed or just dealing with the things all seniors have to deal with at some point? I hope she feels better soon.

Wishing everyone a safe & cozy night in the nest. Colder air is moving in now that the rain has gone, brrr!!

Lav

[Guitarista]

G, do you think your Mom is depressed or just dealing with the things all seniors have to deal with at some point? I hope she feels better soon.


Lav

Hey Lav. I think she's stuck on some past possible guilt issues despite her having done a great and incredible job bringing up 4 kids and running a business alone as a single parent when dad died when we were young. I suspect she would benefit from a good long yap and a cry. She has her sister who she's close to at least. She's an amazing woman and still going strong. Thanks for asking.

[j-vo]

G, that's great you can be there for your mom. I'm going to visit my mother tomorrow after work. It's a five hour drive, but she was diagnosed with ALS this past June, so I've been travelling back and forth lots these past months. It really seems to be progressing faster than I thought. I love her, and I wish I could be there with her more. It's scary to know that she'll become paralyzed eventually, but still have all her senses in tact. I guess it's kind of opposite to the Alsheimers (sp??) disease. Luckily my Dad is in good health and can assist her with everything. She has lots of therapy and sees excellent doctors.

Matt, thanks for sharing the dream, not dream. I can believe that was an extremely low point for you after 10 months. But it's wonderful you're back on track. And the way my dreams are, I have a long, long way to go and lots of healing. Like Ava said, and Star reiterated, Rome wasn't built in a day!

As far as other's reactions to us...I used to get really bothered by people at work, thinking and obsessing whether I did something. I realized that people just have their moods and sometimes they take it out on others. It's not right, and I dont spend a whole lot of time worrying that anymore. I don't necessarily make it a point of connecting with these people, as if they are moody most of the time, I don't want to be associated with that. But ALWAYS be nice to the secretary no matter what!

[idefineme]

oh, man! I had a really nice post going, and I hit the back arrow and it was all gone! I'm bummed cuz I won't be able to duplicate it. Long story short, I feel like I'm kind of being a suck-up because I feel like I sing your guyses praises a lot, BUT that is only because I read what goes on and the vibe that I pick up above ALL ELSE is that you guys all CARE about each other AND newbies even though you don't know us. I feel welcome here, and I feel welcome to read posts. I've visited my fair share of forums and the like, and some are good and some not-so-good. But I can honestly say for me, that I haven't felt the amount of genuine care, concern, and even love that I feel here. I feel SO fortunate to have found this place. I mean that from the bottom of my heart, and I hope you can feel that. You're a wonderful bunch whether you know it or not.

J-vo, your response is almost like you can read my mind. And I feel your welcome and your challenge, which made me look like a deer in the head-lights. My first question is, how much sobriety do you have? I guess I feel a little intimidated, like you know something I don't and are challenging me to something that is not a challenge to you. Are you just starting out on the sobriety train, or have you been at it for a while? It doesn't really matter, as I know the challenge is a friendly and helpful one, but I'm still a tad intimidated. I know it all comes down to not believing in myself and being afraid of change. I'm willing (I think) to work through this and start a new kind of life. Thanks for your invitation. My PLAN is to give myself to October 31, then start anew. I hope that's okay to do. I hope I'm not just saying "I'll start tomorrow". But the truth is, I don't know if I'm just saying I'm going to start anew. If history repeats itself, I can't hold myself accountable. I think with this place and these people, I have much more of a chance. I have the desire to start something new, but I also have the desire to stay the same. I'm gonna need your help, for real. TIA.

Byrdie, I've read most of the post, but not all yet. So far it's all hit home fairly hard, and I thank you for sharing it. There's a lot of really useful information there. Every bit helps and every bit is appreciated.

It's just so weird to me how one being can be in such opposite corners ... wanting to do what's "right", and wanting to stay where you feel "safe".

I am grateful for all of your sharing and caring. Good night, good peeps!

[abcowboy]

idef, read my post on "restoring lost posts" might save you some frustration...

[NoSugar]

I didn't know where you were from Idefineme until I read "your guyses" :smile:. When I saw that I checked and, yep, you're definitely from the Midwest (like me).

I think you're right that this is a remarkable group - especially lately. People are being very open and honest about their situations, challenges, and fears. It's when we're brave enough to risk bring vulnerable that we can really connect with one another. As each person opens up, others see that they can do it, too. If any of you haven't listened to Brené Brown's 2 TED Talks, I'd really encourage you to do that.

There is no one in my day to day life that has an addiction (that I know of). I didn't share with anyone that I was worried that I drank too much or that I was developing weird, sneaky behaviors. I honestly thought I must be the only person in the world who did this stuff or went through the emotional wringer of swearing I'd quit and failing do do so day after day after day. It made such a difference to find this group of people who admitted doing the same crazy things and feeling the same way I did. And who didn't think I was a horrible person - just an addicted one. After acting large and in charge and always saying I was fine, it was a relief to crumple and admit I was out of control and not fine at all.

Now I am mostly fine - for real. And I have this site and the people who make it work to thank. I'll sing its praises, too!

[idefineme]

thanks, NoSugar. It's nice to meet you, and it's nice to meet others from my neck of the woods. I hope to run into you again, sooner rather than later.