Newbies Nest

[KENSHO]

Thanks TJAF for your post. I like the quote in your signature. I think maybe that's what I fear. Or maybe dread. Growth always makes me feel alive, and I loved that about not drinking. But it is hard. It can be very uncomfortable. I know I need to stop drinking. This bullshit of one here and one there is not allowing me to heal. But once I get to a certain point after quitting (about 30 days for me), I feel like the growth is more uncomfortable than just going back to "existing" the way I knew how, so I take a step backward. I know in my heart that is not where I belong, but I - who proclaim myself to be so brave - get scared of the changes I may need to make as I grow into the me that is supposed to be. I believe we all have to face these challenges at some point or another, and that drinking is only delaying the inevitable, and to not face them is disrespecting ourselves and the life we have been given.

I want to be my best self. I want to give my kids everything I can. I don't want to waste life. But I'm afraid of what lies ahead. I'm afraid my marriage won't survive. It's hard to grow when my significant other doesn't. I'm afraid the career I've built is more harmful than good for me. I'm afraid of how unfamiliar the non-drinking me feels. I'm afraid I'm boring and I don't know how to be close to people. I know in the end it will be worth it all, but I fear getting from here to there. Byrdie says, the only way out is through. (See Byrdie, I DO listen to all you say). Something keeps whispering in my ear that it's time to grow but I'm scared and I feel alone and I don't know if I can do it. I know you all are here - but why isn't my husband here? Why do I feel alone in my own fucking marriage? Why don't I feel close to a single person except my son and my dog (she counts)? I isolate myself and try to be everything - alone. Why do I do that?

On a lighter note, and through my tears, I'm laughing at some of the costumes entering the building nearby - and further entertained/horrified by the prospect that many of them may not actually be costumes...

[Guitarista]

Crikey! Silver bullets, flying monkeys, witches on broomsticks......hell, they can't harm me. But a drop of booze is the kryptonite that will turn me into the vacant shell of a man I can be. The weekend ain't no front row ticket to boozeville see?

Happy Halloween all. And Fruity, throw in a heap of self lovin' while yer at it.

70 in the bag.

[Mentium]

Kensho - that phrase 'I'm afraid of how unfamiliar the non-drinking me feels' hits the mark for me. I find that once I am sober (serial quitter here - last time, last year for ten months) I am uncomfortable with the person I return to. I am slightly more tense and slightly more anxious and my mind becomes a tumble drier of anxious thoughts.

It is quite possible of course that as a life-long problematic drinker this is the accumulated impact on my brain chemistry, but sadly I always feel better, at least to begin with, when I go back to drinking. Then of course, after a while - in my case a month or more - the hell of daily drinking and the accumulation of it all makes life even more hellish. And so it goes on, around and around.

I'm on baclofen for the first time this time. Hopeful of positive outcome.

[available]

Morning nesters

welcome newbies, i know without the support of those cyber buddies on here that i would not be celebrating 23 months sober tomorrow. Now i finally realise that this is me doing this and this is my new normal life. I can look at al now and know i dont drink but i will always be on guard and i never forget where i was before i gave up drinking.

When i did drink i always wondered what i would be like when i gave up drinking, how would i cope with life, how would i relieve the boredom, would others like me, why give up drinking when i enjoyed it. The whole dynamics of my life changed when i stopped drinking. I felt like i had to adapt to the outside world, i had to relearn to live and enjoy and be me and to accept that i cannot change what is happening everyday but i can do what i feel is right not what al told me was right. My relationships have changed, now i feel i am a grown up to my children, not trying to be one of them by being a drunk and inappropriate (at times). I think i drank to not grow up but being an adult isnt so bad although it comes with so much responsibility. My children really see me as a mother now and one they can depend on, our relationships have subtly changed for the better, they respect me and admire me. There is not much to admire in a drunk even though i tried like hell to be a great mother. We can laugh at my drunken past but it gives me no sense of worth, not like i feel now.

Slowly slowly life changes for the better, its been a long road to get to how i feel and a rocky one at times but i never wanted to waiver from this journey, i closed the door on drinking, i had to. The hardest part was accepting i could never ever ever ever drink again. I say to people now that i could probably have a drink and be okay but i dont want to, its not an option. I dont want it and i certainly dont need it and i know i am an alcoholic who cant have a drink. My brothers death from al tells me that i am exactly like him and that is enough to scare me and make me realise that i can never drink. Drinking will kill eventually, i see people in my line of work each day coming in with al related injuries or illnesses, its just that before i justified it by telling myself it would never ever happen to me but it could of and luckily it didnt.

Congrats G on 70 days.

[Byrdlady]

Mentium, No wonder you feel better afterwards, you've gotten your fix! I just had to start thinking of AL as a hard drug like anything else....because it is. One thing I found helpful was the knowledge that I was just going to be anxious at certain points. If you think about any addict who isn't getting his/her fix, it is anxiety inducing! You REALLY WANT that drink and when you don't get it, you get anxious! I was mistaking THAT anxiety for overall anxiety over life. ' If THIS is all that not drinking brings, screw it!' Knowing that the anxiety will pass once you have eliminated the option of drinking is comforting. For me, I HAD to find another way to self-soothe and calm myself down. If AL is NOT off the table, guess what we run to! For me, AL is NOT an option, so now what else can I do cope with this situation? This is where we grow!
TJAF really nailed it in his post this morning....if the option isn't totally off the table then why bother to stop at all? It will end the same way because we all know we pick right back up where we left off and worse. (it's the 'AND WORSE' that always got me). It always was.
Getting some good, solid distance between you and AL will make all the difference. SLAM the door on that Haint!
You are going to have Monkey Mind (mind chatter). This might be a great time to do some cleaning or watch that list of movies you've been wanting to see. Do whatever it takes to get thru this day AF. We'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here. Hugs, Byrdie

[j-vo]

Great posts. Congrats G on your 70, and Ava on 23 months. Finally got to Mom's and Dad's and am tired but happily sober. Good night.

[Pavati]

You can't possibly understand the degree of relief until you give it a try, right?
Lav

Yes, Lav! So true. I have said this 1,000 or a million times - I had NO idea how much relief I would find when I quit. I tried SO hard to do everything I could to keep drinking. I used to laughingly joke that I really needed to learn how to control my drinking so I wouldn't have to quit for good. It was such a huge relief when I finally threw in the towel and realized that I couldn't drink and still have the life I have. What a giant surprise to find out what else got better. It it perfect? No. It turns out that my dry, red, itchy eyes are actually allergies; that I'm not a morning exerciser, no matter what I might try; that balancing my family and my work is f#$ing hard; that my husband and I still fight; that being human means coping with loss. I thought it would all be rainbows and unicorns.

HOWEVER - it is all so much easier to deal with.

Welcome you Newbies - you've taken a step in the right direction. Idefineme - great post, and my sentiments exactly. TJAF - pearls of wisdom as usual.

Trick or Treat. No ticket to boozeville here.

Pav

x post, J-Vo. Best to your mom. That is a tough diagnosis. I'm so glad you'll be sober and present to help them both get through it...

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

G, Congrats on turning 70 you old dog

Ava, 23 months, yay for you!! I need to start baking cakes again like Byrdie for these special occasions.

Everyday without AL is a good day as far as I am concerned. No need to worry about the future, everything will be OK as long as I keep AL out of my life. And that applies to everyone here. You can shape & mold yourself into whatever you want

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[NoSugar]

Kensho - that phrase 'I'm afraid of how unfamiliar the non-drinking me feels' hits the mark for me. I find that once I am sober (serial quitter here - last time, last year for ten months) I am uncomfortable with the person I return to. I am slightly more tense and slightly more anxious and my mind becomes a tumble drier of anxious thoughts.

Hi, Mentium. It must have been tough to give up those 10 months, even if you weren't as content in your sober life as you would have hoped. It took awhile to get used to the "new me" and to figure out what I wanted the rest of my life to be like. I was glad to be AF the whole time because in comparison, essentially everything was better, but I'd say it was sometime during the second year that I felt comfortable and confident about being a non-drinker. It took some time and effort to nurture and develop this new persona and I had to find some new interests and passions as well as rekindle some old ones. Not drinking gave me a lot of extra time and physical and emotional energy that I needed to figure out what to do with! Plus, I had to find new and better ways of relaxing and dealing with stress. I'd lost whatever tools I used to have when I found the quick and easy way to escape. The Toolbox is full of ideas people have had over the years for developing a fulfilling and rewarding AF life. You might come across something in there to help you be more comfortable with your AF self. I'll bet he's a pretty great guy.

It is quite possible of course that as a life-long problematic drinker this is the accumulated impact on my brain chemistry, but sadly I always feel better, at least to begin with, when I go back to drinking

Like Byrdie said, it's not surprising you felt better - kind of a maximum "hair of the dog" experience. Over a long period of drinking, we all undoubtedly did some damage and it can't all be fixed overnight so patience is essential. But the good news is that with attention to nutrition and all aspects of health, there can be great improvements. A lot of that is covered in the toolbox, also.

I'm on baclofen for the first time this time. Hopeful of positive outcome.

I hope so, too, and I hope you've found the information and support you need.

Take care, NS

[Dutch1988]

Mentium I don't know if it even takes a life long effort to alter that brain chemistry. Perhaps it just takes longer to see the benefits of going AL free. I'm finally coming up on feeling better, took about seven months. I had a 5 month period where I just dragged ass everywhere, my habits the only thing getting me through the day. Man for a long time I thought I was more productive with drinking. It really comes down to what alcohol was giving you. If after ten months you still felt better going back, what is it giving you? Is it a moment thing? Or is it just to numb pain that you know isn't going anywhere, so you just want a few hours of relief? I hope the baclofen helps you out!

[Lavande]

Good Saturday morning Nesters & Happy Halloween

Wishing everyone a magical & safe Halloween!

Happy Birthday to our wonderful friend Byrdie :heartbeat:


Lav

[idefineme]

j-vo, thanks for your honest reply. Eleven days is a hell of a start! I was intimidated by your start date and your "Senior Member" status that you had years under your belt, and here you're inviting newcomer me to a duel! Silly, huh?

But seriously, thanks for the invite...
"I'm ready to put that daily work in. You with me?" I'm with you, but I have to say, not without a whole lot of doubt. It's the fear of the unfamiliar talking, I know. and the fear of losing a "friend".

What helps loads is knowing you guys got my back, and IF I fail the only one judging me is me, because you all have consistently shown that judgement has no place here. I am grateful for being shown that it's desirable to close that door. Don't judge yourself, but do learn from your mistakes.

I'd be interested in that Youtube vid if you were able to find it again. I'll do some surfing there, too. Maybe I'll stumble across it.

Much admiration and gratitude to everyone here. :love:

[Byrdlady]

Good morning, Nesters! Its 10:30 on a weekend and here I am posting instead of sneaking my first drink of the day! Thank you for the birthday wishes, we are about to head out to a 3 hour tour on a river cruise! Hope I dont end up on some desert island!
Of all the gifts I hold dear, mu sobriety is at the very top! More later! Happy Halloween!! Byrdie

[Marylou123]

Happy birthday Byrdie - enjoy the cruise!

[KENSHO]

Happy Birthday Byrdie.

Fun autumn day here - raking leaves, carving pumpkins, cooking chili and making bat wings for my daughter's costume. Having a blast. Thank you to everyone who was here and allowed me to rant yesterday. Going to appreciate re-connecting with the world in new and wonderful ways without the numbness of alcohol. Yes, a bit afraid, but acknowledging that has helped me turn it into trying to be excited for the good things to come. I believe you veterans that I will love laughing again, love loving again, and love life again.

Welcome Idefineme, Mentium and BenTen!