Newbies Nest

[Eloise]

Checking in.
Bad days here guys. Looks like I am closing down my art program, losing my space. I surrender. I will move to the the house of my husbands mother & he will continue to work in the city. That is the plan today anyhow, maybe it will change? Good part is no more paying rent. Bad news is rather obvious.
I actually fantasized about going back to being a drunk today.
I am going to have to plan things carefully. I plan to dive into my drawing & paintings although not sure where I will be able to do it? Basement maybe?


Then tonight I made a bad decision to help a lady saddle a horse I know to be old and difficult. He snapped at me and bit off the tip of my thumb. He took some bone so it hurts like crazy. Went to ER and all messy. Cancelled art tomorrow as arm is in a sling to the hand elevated. Could things get worse? Oh yes indeed. I think we all know the answer to that one.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Eloise, so sorry to hear about your injury, ouch! Please take care of yourself :hug:
I really hope everything else works out for you as well!

Kensho, let the others 'enjoy' their fancy drinks, just ignore them, that's what I do

I've been busy with extra work & trying to prepare for the family eat-a-thon, ha ha!

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[j-vo]

Sorry to hear this El. Take good care of yourself as you have been. The moving situation would be a lot worse had you been drinking. Imagine...18 months ago, how difficult it would have been. Hopefully, this will be temporary, and you can deal with it much better as a sober person. Here's a hug for you...:hug:

[KENSHO]

Oh Eloise! I wish I could hug you! Your thumb must hurt like crazy. Remember how bad it would be to mix pain meds and alcohol. Hang in there and know I am thinking about you.

[Pavati]

Hi, Nest:

[/I] I've been on the MWO boards since 2009. This bears repeating.....I have never seen ONE long term successful moderator in the history of MWO (including the founder!!!). Not ONE. Ever! So trying our luck at moderating is as good as just admitting to relapsing.

I used to read this when I was lurking and say to myself - "what does she know? What about those people who are successfully moderating (like I KNEW I would be) and just choose not to come back and tell us about it?" Well, one thing I know for sure, Byrdie is a burr in the saddle of those who say they can/will moderate, and she has been saying these words since I started reading here. If there were ONE person who could come back and prove her wrong, I'm sure they would.

Or maybe there ARE people who can prove her wrong?? Anyone?

The number one thing they experience is fear.

Addy - fear was what brought me here. Fear was also what kept me from here for too long.

Checking in.
Bad days here guys... Could things get worse? Oh yes indeed. I think we all know the answer to that one.

Understatement of the year. Sorry for your day, El. I hope you find relief from your pain and a beautiful place to paint.

I am OFFICIALLY on V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N! No ticket to boozeville. Making dinner, then some basketball as we cheer for our Golden State Warriors to make history.

Happy Tuesday,
Pav

[LilBit]

Thinking of you, El. This too shall pass. Hang in there. Being a drunk is a life of bondage. Nothing's worth that.

[KENSHO]

Made it through; enjoying reading before bed instead of feeling nauseous, tired and out-of-it. This is much better. Thanks all.

[All done drinking]

Morning, Nesters!
[/I] I've been on the MWO boards since 2009. This bears repeating.....I have never seen ONE long term successful moderator in the history of MWO (including the founder!!!). Not ONE. Ever! So trying our luck at moderating is as good as just admitting to relapsing. We all quit drinking for a reason, because it was causing us great distress. It is hard to quit and even harder to start over after an extended quit....there are many who never get back up. I hope you will protect your quit as if it were gold.

"So trying our luck at moderating is as good as just admitting to relapsing."

This line is perfect because in the mod world that I lived in for 7 years working incredibly hard trying to control my drinking, ended up being me relapsing once a month, because at least one time a month I could not keep to my designated amount that I strived so hard to obtain. Fellow posters, would pretty much post the same thing, their "relapse" stories of how they couldn't keep to their designated amount either. People who left never came back to share their success with moderating, we just never heard from them again. As I said before, the moderating avenue is what initially brought me to MWO because I googled a site to help me cut down on my drinking and found this one. I wasn't looking for a hard core abstinence site because I wasn't ready to quit. So, moderating helped me cut down from 3 drinks in an evening to 2, helped me to be more conscious of how often I was drinking so I cut down to 2-3 nights a week (only daily on vacations) so there really was harm reduction that occurred for me. It was a great stepping stone to minimize how often and how much I drank. If we could only look at moderating as the stepping stone to everyone eventually abstaining, it would be pretty perfect. The reality is, people with alcohol disorder problems have a very hard time (if not an impossible time) "controlling" their drinking. As we've all heard before, when the shut off valve is faulty, it's faulty.I didn't want to continue living my life worrying about what would happen when it didn't work. It just wasn't worth the stress and worry any more.

As Byrdie said, You've heard me say that there are 2 types of people here on MWO: Those that struggle with AL and those that don't. Oddly enough, the ones who don't are NOT the moderators, they are the abstainers!!!

This has proven to be pretty much true for me. As I'm fairly new in my quit, there are still those episodes where it's a little tough, a moment where I glamorize AL and miss it (that's as tough as the struggle gets). But as a moderator the struggle was white knuckling it when I'd had my 2 and knew I wasn't allowed more. Sometimes the cravings almost killed me. Sometimes I'd "relapse" and talk hubby into stopping for a nightcap or sneaking a third at home. If I snuck a 3rd, sometimes I'd sneak a 4th. I'd worry when invited to an event because I really didn't know if I could control my drinking or not. The whole thing was SO much work and such a struggle. And the constant worry of WHAT WOULD I DO?? if I went over my limit and made a complete fool of myself. What if I lost a friend, or lost respect of a co-worker or someone important to me. It just became too much stress and worry and just wasn't worth it anymore.

No more "relapsing for me". I relapsed at least once a month as a modertor. I am focused on maintaining my quit as a new abstainer. I quit on July 16, 2015 and have been AF (not a sip, not a slip) and am on day 131 today. My name is Addy...and I am simply All Done Drinking...Yes!

The best way to predict the future is to create it!
~Jason Kaufmann

[All done drinking]

Eloise,

I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your horrible injury and the stress going on in your life right now. Don't even have any words of wisdom to offer other than wanting to let you know that you have many people on this site that care about you. Stay strong!

~Addy

[Guitarista]

Sheesh that's rough Eloise. The horse and your art program. Is there some sort of community space you can have donated to work out of? Church hall, community centre, library, school, council office/building etc? Any art program is a huge positive for a community and the town elders should see that and step up.

Speedy recovery for that thumb!

Where's Starfish?

Stay positive and take it easy y'all.

[lifechange]

Hi Nesters!
Those were some great posts, Addy..you described so well the hell that one goes through while moderating. I was often pretty good at keeping it under control. In fact, this last time, probably because I was newly in love, I didn't feel like I "needed" it at all. I was on cloud 9 and could have a beer or a glass of wine, or whatever, just one and that was enough. No want for more. In the back of my mind I was aware that it could possibly happen, could, that I might at some time in the future over do it again. And of course I did. Getting blasted drunk just to get drunk.. not giving it a moments thought ahead of time.. beginning with just "a" drink. I've been afraid before, but this really scared me. To be so out of control.. to honestly think I'd had it under some sort of control. That's what I wanted.. but it isn't in any way my reality. Nightmare.

Eloise, I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles with the move and loss of space and your hurt thumb. That's really a lot to deal with all at once..:hug: to you and lots of strength and patience.

I'm having a bit of a sad day as I deal with the possible loss of a very close friend.. loss due to growing apart, going in different directions.
I hope it doesn't come to that..

[Eloise]

Well G I am not part of any community here, its just me. Essentially I am the one donating space and my time and money for all this, bssically for something to do. So maybe it is okay if i focus on my art for once in my life?
Jvo if I had not stopped drinking I would have already left my husband. His anxiety levels and my drinki g would never have last. It may not last anyway but at least i cannot blame lack of judgement and willpower.
I feel like getting out from all this pressure is my only option. He feels like a failure because he cant find a job to support us, in fact he is doing fine. I am a bit high maintenwce which I am now willing to awknowledge. I also have high standards I am not willing to compromise on with many if them. Shame on me for wanting to work? And wanting to do something nice?
Maybe this accident is what I needed to slow down and see what is important?
I think I could have done it with my thumb though.
Going into an ugly phase for sure: cancer scares on my face from last summer and now missing part of my thumb. What is next? Car accident? Bobbie is going to die?
Okay, I am done now. Thanks for all your kind words, it helps me feel less alone.

[LilBit]

At the risk of sounding like a fortune cookie, El, tragedy is a great opportunity for self-reflection and radical change. Maybe things happen for a reason. And scars? Don't worry about scars. Anyone who knows you knows you're beautiful. Anyone who's stuck looking at the surface isn't worth your time.

be8e7ce47c58a5cf8669d449bebcc37e.jpg

[Byrdlady]

Wishing you strength and peace, Eloise. All you can do is put one foot in front of the other. Thinking of you.
More later, Byrdie

[Eloise]

Thanks guys!
I am trying not to think too much now, just makes me feel sorry for myself.
Thank god I don't drink! And yes I can imagine how people get into trouble with alcohol and painkillers... Someone brought that up at one point. The old me would have opened at bottle of wine last night. I would not have been able to stop myself.
Best the old me stay in the past.