Newbies Nest

[All done drinking]

Its just hopeless trying to have a pleasant conversation with either of my parents. No wonder I never wanted to have children! It gives me the chills to think maybe I would treat my children like my parents treat me.

Eloise,

I can feel your pain on so many different levels. I was in therapy for years regardng my dad who was alcoholic, mean, and did a few things that truly traumatized us kids. My younger brother actually says he has PTSD from growing up with the man. I allowed my father and the sad childhood memories to bother me for years, cry in my beer for years about how I could never please him, etc. Then I read a psychology book one day and the author said, "Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard and the cupboard was bare". It was a section about relationships. Suddenly it clicked. My father had nothing to give emotionally because his cupboard was bare. How can you give something you don't have? It was a very healing moment for me and I think I stopped then and there of allowing those memories to ruin my day.

Then I meet my wonderful husband and his mother is the same way in the fact that she tries to damage his self esteem. She pulls the favortism card and worries and is concerned about the loser brother and would do anything for him. But for my hubby, she tries to say negative things and attempts to make him feel bad about himself constantly. We were watching Mad Men the other day and the one character felt obligated to visit his mother who treats him the same way my hubby is treated. Same relationship with his brother...the works! The wife calmly said, "Don't go to the well, there's no water there." I think the lights went on for my hubby in that moment too.

And one last story. I had a similar relationship with my mother that hubby has with his. She always favored and fussed over my older brother (her favorite) to a fault. I was so bothered by my brother because he wouldn't work but would leech money off of our grandparents, he wouldn't pay child support to his kids but he and my mom would complain about his exwife giving him crappy visitation. I realized that whenever he was brought up in a conversation things would go south. i.e. she would complain that ex wouldn't let him have the girls that week-end and I would remind her if he paid child support his life would be easier with the ex as well as he'd be doing the right thing by the kids. She would defend him, we'd get into a negative place. So eventually, I knew that it was a topic to be avoided and purposely avoided it or redirected it somehow so we didn't go there. With all of that being said, with people like all of them, it helps us to just remember that they don't have it to begin with so you can't give what you don't have.

If we can't change another person, we must change ourselves. How we choose to react to them is the key.

~Addy
p.s. SO sorry about your finger. Just tragic. Thinking about you regarding that sad and traumatic situation.

[Eloise]

Yeah and so what am I supposed to do never speak to them again? That is how my brother handles it.
Sad state of affairs.

Note: mother is paranoid schizophrenic, outside of my scope of support.

[NoSugar]

I think you can speak to them, El. Just take the conversations at face-value - don't look for deeper meaning or over-interpret what they say. I tend to hear what I would mean if I said a particular thing and often that isn't what the other person is saying at all. In my current difficult relationships, I try not to look for insults or compliments - the people may not be delivering the first and I'm almost positive they aren't handing out the latter!!

[lifechange]

Hi Nesters!!
I'm getting a late check in after a busy day! Watching doctor in the house.. Thanks for that, NS!

Freefly, How are you today? I saw you signed in for day 5 today on the roll call!! Yayyy.. that sounded like a very difficult time you had last night. I often do as you did and just go to bed! Even if it's 730pm on Friday night.. Then I wake up (at 5 usually!) and am so relieved that I did it! I hope Saturday will be easier for you. Lately it has helped me (this is my major work) to practice sitting still with discomfort. If I begin to feel anxious or panicked or restless or crazy or like I might go through the roof, I stop everything and sit, let the feelings come and wait. I don't allow myself to move until they pass.. and they do pass. I was reading The Fix today and there were a couple of articles by a young recovering alcoholic that were entertaining as well as helpful (or at least distracting).. here is one. https://www.thefix.com/instant-grati...battling-beast
Let us know how you are!

El, sorry to hear about the talk with your parents.. Some really good insights and advice given here. I was wondering if there are any "safe" subjects of conversation with your dad? or your mom? I know with my dad, we have limited subjects, but we can have a great time talking about them.. for instance, because we both love to cook we spend about half an hour talking over the week's menus. Or we can talk about exercise and hiking.. If we get into sticky areas, I ask questions about his life and don't get into mine.. I don't know if that's possible for you. I sure hope your thumb heals quickly. I know how painful it is..did they tape it together under the bandage or sew it up? Have you been able to have a look yet? I told you about my thumb.. and it is amazing, painful, but amazing how the body can heal itself. :hug:

Ava, so glad to see you here. I'm sorry to hear about your kids and their breakups and hope they are all doing alright. You're getting ready for a big celebration in 3 days, aren't you? It's on Tuesday, right? Could that be the same day G-man hits 100? That'd be cool!! You mentioned you're transferring jobs.. does that mean you'll move house? Be in a different position? :love: to you!

So I was hanging out at the Cowboy Café this afternoon.. such a nice place to go to on a cold, snowy day. I forced myself to go to a museum today to see an exhibition I've been wanting to see for ages, but have been too lazy to get to! It was so inspiring! Opened my mind! Made me want to start painting/drawing, mixing colours.. I've never shown any sort of talent when it comes to those sorts of things, but I imagined how nice it would be to just TRY.. how it might be possible to get so lost in the work that you wouldn't even notice the time passing.. a great distraction. And fun.. I got excited about you starting up your basement atelier, EL (when your thumb is better) and being able to do your own work for awhile.. I hope that works out for you!

Liked the Hip Sobriety.. thank you for that..

and here's something from Hazelden, Today's Gift, that helped me today..


"I was lucky," a man explained to me. "One of my first mentors in life made me practice serenity. Whenever I'd call him in full-blown panic mode or with that frantic tone in my voice, he'd refuse to talk to me until I calmed myself down.
"'Go get centered,' he'd tell me. 'Then we'll talk.'" Sometimes we need help working through our panic, anxiety, and fear. Find someone to talk to who will support serenity, rather than feed anxiety. Learn to recognize turmoil and urgency in your body, speech, emotions, and thought. Learn what it feels like to be centered and calm. Practicing serenity is a learned behavior and an art.
Action:
When you find yourself in turmoil, stop what you are doing. Take deliberate steps to relax. Talk to a friend, say the Serenity Prayer or any favorite prayer, breathe, meditate, feel any emotions you need to feel. Calming yourself may feel awkward at first, nearly impossible. (Some people may need professional help to deal with anxiety and panic if it's chronic and continual.) Over time and with practice, you will discover ways to calm yourself, the way a loving parent learns to calm a fretting child.

[Pavati]

Happy Saturday, Nest. A lot going on here...

Sorry about your conversation, El. I believe that one part of my getting sober was my ability to believe (sometimes with some effort) that I can't control other's behaviors, only my reactions to them. Very freeing.

Ava - so sorry for what you and your kids are going through. I have a close family member separating now. For other separations in my circle I understood they were coming. This one took me totally by surprise as I didn't know there were difficulties. I was thrown for a loop. Very sad for us all. I know you'll get through it - thank goodness you're sober to be there for them. I think about that a lot. Thank goodness I'm sober to help my kids negotiate their teenage years and beyond. It is still a challenge, but I am no longer afraid.

Kuya -saved the link for later. Thanks.

Off to get some work done, and exercise, I hope. Happy SOBER Saturday.

Pav

[available]

Morning nesters

Another glorious morning waking up to the birds chirping. I remember in my drinking days i wanted to shoot the feckers! How times have changed.

LC it is the 29th here so not long till the 1st December. I am not as excited as i was hitting my 1 year anniversary but i am feeling very proud of what i have achieved and how much i have grown as a person. For probably the first time i consider myself a grown up and not someone who thinks they are. I will celebrate with the children. They will say their normal comment of "lets have a drink to celebrate" and my response of "why not". We all know i wont and cant ever drink again, there is no cure for what I have, it is a life choice i have made.

Pav i am pretty excited about celebrating 2 years with you. It helped my mental state to have a quit buddy that i could not let down as i had let a few down before. Not this time i am happy to say. To have someone that goes through the same feelings as oneself was a great help. I always thought if you could get through it then so could i damn it!

I was having an "i remember moment" this morning with my daughter on my 2 years and i told her i still clearly remember her rocking up with a bottle of wine after i had told my children drunk the night before i was stopping. The hardest thing i had to do was say no but i knew one bottle was not enough and she would want some (god forbid sharing), i had no money to get anymore and the cycle would not stop and i had promised NS.

My boss is away next week, Robert has his commitment ceremony next weekend and I am going to Ed Sheerhan with my two youngest children. I look forward to these things now, i shudder at the excuses i would have tried to make to not participate in life. I dont have many regrets about drinking except i wish i had never started.

Free it does get better each and everyday you dont drink. We are losing our best friend, our confidante, our other half. Al will throw its tantrums wanting you to drink, trying to get you to give in but be strong and say no, dont let al win. Believe me life is so much better now. Eat and eat some more, post on here like a lunatic. The brain thoughts get better after a couple of weeks.

[Guitarista]

Yo Nesters. W'dup?!

LC, me and QW are 100 on Monday 30th November. Sunday morning and day 99 here. Wowza! Gig tonight too.

Looking forward to celebrating 2 big years with Ava and Pavi!

xpost. Morning Ava!

[lifechange]

Look at you two just waking up to a beautiful morning! Can't wait till my Sunday morning.. sometimes I wish I could skip the sleeping. But then I'd be too tired, wouldn't I?

Ava, had to really laugh as I remembered wanting to shoot the poor little birdies at times! That's pretty bad.. enjoy your Sunday!
You, too, G-man.. have fun at your gig tonight.. are you playing with others? Do you have any plans to celebrate 100 days?
Hi Pav! I'm definitely hoping to get in some exercise tomorrow.. in fact, it's my number 1 goal.. 9 on the dot.

Eloise, thank you again for posting the Hip Sobriety blog. She's such a good writer.. am really enjoying it.
Here's another I like and think is relevant for the Nest!
11 Fears you have about sobriety, dispelled..
11 Fears you have about sobriety, dispelled. — HIP SOBRIETY

[FreeFly]

Evening nesters..thanks Lifechange and Available for your kind words and I do take your words of wisdom on board, very comforting they are. Yes last night was not a great one but wake up was. At peace this evening, gratefully so. Not reading too much on here as sometimes that just stirs up the crazy brain - it's a fine line for me. Enjoy your weekend all.

[Guitarista]

Hi LC. Yes, tonight here I'm playing with my band which is sort of a psychedelic roots rock trio. I like your method of stopping and sitting with your feelings if things are getting chaotic. Pro-active approach that makes sense to me.

Maybe i'll get another Thai massage this week to celebrate 100 days. Yes, might do that. QW, any plans?

Hip sobriety has some free yoga/meditation vids too. I think I'm in love with that girl!

xpost. Hi FF. Have a gr8 weekend yourself.

[FreeFly]

Hey G man, nice to see you. This made me chuckle, read your mood icon without my glasses and it said.. I am God! hehe

[Guitarista]

Hey G man, nice to see you. This made me chuckle, read your mood icon without my glasses and it said.. I am God! hehe

I expect the audience at tonights gig to respond with nothing less after each guitar solo.

[FreeFly]

I expect the audience at tonights gig to respond with nothing less after each guitar solo.

Haha, sure they will. Enjoy!

[Byrdlady]

Late check in for me today. I spent the day decorating cookies with a neighbor today. It was fun and I think she had a great time, also. We decorated 3 dozen cookies for her to give as gifts so it was very productive.

EL, wow, your dad and my mom sound like they could be related. I told hubs (as we were coming home from Thanksgiving) that in the years prior to my 18th birthday, all I can remember is my relatives fighting. My mother and her sisters backstabbed and jabbed at each other, their husbands and us kids. No one was immune to their venom. My relationship with my mother is exactly why I didnt have kids. I worried that the cycle of abuse would continue. It would be easy to hold on to that anger and those feelings of inadequacy. I see what that has done to my brothers and my sister. My sister isnt speaking to the one brother and the 2 brothers aren't speaking. What a shame....

We really cant choose our family. I will never understand why my mother was so mean. But I dont have to understand it to let it go. Harboring all that anger and those feelings only serve to make her legacy continue. I choose to break the cycle with me. An asshole is an asshole is an asshole and there is nothing we can do to change that. THEY may choose to live that way, but Im not. I also found that the phone works two ways....if they want to talk to me, they can place the call. They can marinate in their own vile juices, I do not have to play in that sandbox with them.

Im so sorry that happened to you, I think you did the right thing, removing yourself from the situation. Dont feel guilty, his behavior is inexcusable. That will never change. Dont play the games, they are rigged, you wont win. We dont all have to like our parents.

Hugs dear lady, Byrdie

[kuya]

Byrdie.....WHY aren't you doing your cake design for a living? Follow your passion, you are truly talented and should show your work to a master cake maker if you don't want to do it all yourself.

Over the years here and elsewhere I have seen work you have done that blew me away....I have shared it with friends it was so amazing.
Just a thought ��