Newbies Nest

[Byrdlady]

SSD, my spouse still drinks. Here's the thing....no matter what our circumstances, it all boils down to what we choose to do. I have heard laments on trying to stop drinking when you live alone...trying to stop when you live with drinkers....trying to stop when you live with a non-drinker who doesn't understand....trying to stop when you live with another alkie or addict....I have seen all of these circumstances and I have seen all of the people succeed! It's like when you are on the plane and they say, 'Secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others'. Same is true with us. Sounds as if your hubs has an AL issue, too. I imagine he doesn't know the extent of yours and you don't know the extent of his. But what you CAN do, is take care of yourself first. This is war (and all is fair in this one...because it's a matter of life and death). My hubs gave me an ultimatum: Stop drinking or divorce. After I had stopped for a while, and he thought I was all better, he offered ME A DRINK!!! I have educated him on this since then. I told him to never believe me if I tell him I am ok to drink. He has the phone numbers of folks right here in the nest to contact if I start that crazy talk. I have told him that there is no cure for this, but there is remission. If AL is the problem then not drinking is the solution. He drinks a glass of wine at night, but he keeps his stuff in his refrigerator downstairs. He does not flaunt it in front of me. I know this is my problem, not his. Getting your spouse (and housemates) on board with what you are doing goes a long way....I resisted this, because I wanted to leave the door open....just in case I might be able to start again. Unfortunately, AL knows when you leave the light on for him and he takes full advantage. Set yourself up for success! Get him on board, maybe your example will rub off on him! Byrdie

[j-vo]

Excellent post Byrdie.

SSD, that's all a part of the sobriety journey. Learning to get through even though others don't have to do the same. Its acceptance that we just can't drink, and others will and some shouldn't but do. Focusing on ourselves is sooooo important. We must list ourselves at the top of our priority list. My husband drank a lot more when I did. Now that I quit (LAFQ), he's probably had few bottles of beer here and there. But he knows I never want to drink again, and just like Byrdie, I told him that if I ever suggested it, that's a big red flag and to call the people on my list. We had a pretty good discussion a few weeks ago about this. Because I think every other time I fell off, he was glad to have a drinking buddy back, but he only wanted to drink once in a while. Well, it doesn't work that way with me, so now he completely understands. Now, he encourages me and tells me how good I look. Yep, after 25 years of marriage, he's telling me that. And it feels good. So how about a chat with your husband about your goals and how he can best help you. Even if he can't do anything, he can understand your need to do what you're doing.

[Quit wining]

Byrdie, you're spot on when you say "AL knows when you leave the light on for him and he takes full advantage. Set yourself up for success!"

And the tricky b**tard moves so fast, so innocently.

Tonight I'm going to a volunteer appreciation dinner for a group I belong to. It's at a pub. When the details were being worked out a couple of the members were discussing their favourite drinks. I was asked what mine was. I actually surprised myself by replying that I don't drink. There was a momentary silence, then I offered to be the designated driver so the others could drink what they want without fear of having to drive home.

I know that the practice at this pub is to provide soft drinks to the designated driver at no cost.

I feel good having a plan for the evening plus the other members know I don't drink so that shouldn't be an issue.

Hope everyone has a safe, comfy night in the best!

[NoSugar]

QW, don't you just love being the Adult in the room??? After wiggling my way out of being the responsible party for so long, I really enjoy being "in charge" again. Enjoy your free beverages and congrats on your 101 days!! NS

[Guitarista]

Yo Nesters near and not so far.

Have a great night QW.

Here's a little blurb from soberista's re xmas parties. A lot of the basics we discuss here, but might be a timely read.

https://soberistas.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/carrie-lucy-christmas-ebook.pdf

Have a good one out there.

[Quit wining]

G-Man, thanks for the link to soberistas. What a great read! This should be recommended reading for everyone here, especially those going to office Christmas parties.

Now the pressure is really on No Sugar. I'm going to be the adult in the room? Scary thought!

I'll let everyone know how the evening went.

[Byrdlady]

Let us know if you need us QW, we'll be here!

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Still damp & chilly but I made some great soup today so everything's OK now
I realized a long time ago that it really doesn't matter if our friends, relatives & even our spouses are supportive of quits or not. Having their support would be nice but it's not mandatory. What matters most is OUR commitment to our quits! Keep practicing saying 'No Thanks' over & over until it becomes natural & it will

SSD, hang in there, you can do this!
QW, enjoy your evening out & the free AF drinks!

Hi there Byrdie, NS & G!

Have a cozy & safe night in the nest one & all!

Lav

[Matt M.]

Quick check in for me. Been running 90-to nothing the last few weeks. I have been reading and browsing the forum, but have not commented or posted anything. History proves that those who gradually begin to disengage, can quickly go back to the old way of thinking.
I have been in a bit of a funk or a rut these last few weeks, all stemming from BS going on at work. Gotta love city Government

I have not had thoughts of drink during this, whatever I'm in, yet I know and have been reminded, that my lifeline is the first place I should be, not the last. I have always been a "I can fix it" type guy, that led to many years of Hell!, while I was running my Self Willed Ran Riot!

Honestly, I've enjoyed reading and just taking it in, seemed like the few occasions I started to post something, it inevitably was filled with negativity and pessimism.

So today I started a brand new Gratitude last, that I have vowed to add daily. Gratitude is definitely a successful way to a positive attitude!

Stay Hard my Friends, I am forever grateful for this site and the countless other sickos that came with it!

[Pavati]

Hi, All:

We miss you when you're not around, Matt. Pessimism is just another feeling - we got 'em all here. That gratitude practice is so important. It took me a while to get the hang of it. Even in sad and depressing times we can find gratitude for something. I always thought that was BS shining a turd as it were, but REALLY, there is something real to be grateful for in every circumstance. Who knew. And the continuous reminder to myself of my gratefulness at not being hungover, woozy, etc. is a benefit.

SSD - I agree with the recommendation from J-Vo and Byrdie - a good long talk with your husband about your goals, fears and reality. I talk with my husband from time to time to remind him that I should NEVER drink again. I think he likes me so much better now. I know he is a "normie" because he doesn't want me to drink - he doesn't need a drinking buddy to have his beer and enjoy it. We have lots of booze in the house, my (old) favorites among them, but I am not tempted in the least. Why? Because I don't drink.

QW - Doesn't it feel good to say that! You don't drink. Phew. Have a great event. Keep your drink in your hand at all times so you're sure what you're getting.

Off to bed. I've restarted my daily ice cream habit since I had a big carton leftover from Thanksgiving. Thank goodness THAT isn't in the house at all times. Because I DO eat ice cream.

Night, nest.

Pav

[All done drinking]

Great post Byrdie and love how everyone is sharing some good book titles, web sites, etc. I have a cold so haven't been real motivated to come here or do much the last couple of days but congrats to our new 100 dayers and welcome to our newbies!

Have an enpowered night.

~Addy

[Quit wining]

Just a quick note before bed. The volunteer recognition dinner went very well. I was first to arrive at the pub, let our server know I don't drink plus I was the designated driver. I opted for a glass of tonic water.
No one overindulged and at the end of the evening, I drove a few folks home.
The evening couldn't have gone better and no one commented that I wasn't drinking alcohol.
Hope everyone in the Nest has a great night!

[KENSHO]

Feeling pretty bummed tonight. Random stuff - feeling bad at my job and out of balance. Feel like I need some me time, but so much work knocking at the door (and really important deadlines - the kind that can cost the client a lot of $$ if I delay). But, the earth is still turning, and tomorrow is a new day. Here's hoping it is better.

[Quit wining]

Hang in there Kensho, things will be better tomorrow.
I recall times when I felt overwhelmed by stuff and I always turned to alcohol to make things tolerable. Funny thing is, alcohol only clouded things and never made them better.
Stay strong Kensho! Let your fellow Nesters know if we can do anything to help.

[lifechange]

Hi Nesters..
another quickie for me as I fly off to work!

Wanted to see how you're doing today, SSD? My only advice would be to
do WHATEVER you need to to get those first few days under your belt again. I know that when I started up AGAIN, after having decided to drink, I was pretty down on myself.. wishing I hadn't fucked it up, remembering how good I'd felt before, with those AF weeks... and it was difficult to get past the negativity. But I forced myself not to think about it all.. just stayed in the Moment of now. Today is the only thing that counts.. and really, after a couple of days, I began automatically to feel better, to have hope, to see that it is all possible. If you need to stay away from your husband and his drinking for awhile (if he can't support you) then try to shut yourself up in a room with MWO, or anything positive, that motivates you..:hug: Let us know how you're doing!

Kensho, I hope you're feeling better today..hugs to you from very far away.. take a break.. even if it's just for a bath or a cup of tea and listening to your favourite music, a piece of cake, a short video. I think "calling" it a break, even if it's short, and really taking the time out can help.. a 15 minute power nap?

love to all of you Nesters, from all over this crazy world.. check in, let us know how you are!!!!