Newbies Nest

[Guitarista]

My question or wondering is . . . so many of the posters mentioned they don't miss the self-hate. I'm not talking GSRs here, I'm talking waking up at 4am full of self-hate even if nothing too bad happened other than you drank. Maybe didn't even get drunk. I know many people who drink and may occasionally drink too much but they don't wake up with self-hate. Is that something that we are prone to? Is that something that chronic and heavy AL use causes? What has been your experience with self-hate (if you have felt it and feel comfortable sharing) and why do you think that happens?

Yes, yes , yes AG! That dreaded feeling waking up in the early hours my heart racing and my head full of shame, fear and self hate. Disappeared when I removed the booze thankfully. Now I usually sleep well. If self hate is a core belief within us, and I had a bit of that, we can turn it around and don't have to accept such thoughts.

My sister came round yesterday....I had a day at home alone and was looking forward to it. She came in with her wine...5 hours later, I was pulling my hair out! This has happened a few times and it is doing my head in. I don't mind an hour or so but when you are sitting in the one spot for that amount of time.......my girls were not happy with her...not sure how to handle it. She doesn't do anything offensive but the only way to make that situation tolerable is to drink so I know I have to address it. She knows I am not drinking so I suppose she is being offensive by expecting to sit so long.

Dunno how I'd cope through this Daisy! I would have to be putting my foot down and somehow working out some other activities (as a distraction for you mainly) during such a visit. Can I list some ideas?....and with the greatest respect for your sister. e.g. You: ok, she's here for the whole day and leaving tonight or tomorrow morning, so let's break it up a bit. Right, some shopping, then a cafe, then blah blah, then back home where there'll likely be 2 hours of her drinking in front of me that i'll need to negotiate rather than the whole afternoon. Dangerous just sitting across from someone for hours with no escape as they drink to excess. :egad: Good job friend. Great news re your son!

Yes, David Bowie RIP.

Whaaa? Oh no.

Off to the toolbox for now, maybe I will memorize it, that should take a while.

Glad you're back JD. Good move. The toolbox sure has hours of great reading. Safe travels to your son.

Good to see you Rahul as always.

Eloise, how did u nearly kill your dog? Glad the new joint is coming up trumps.

L8tr Yo!

[daisy45]

Hi Mr G....suggesting she leave her drink would be out of the question....I will have to have a permanent excuse to leave from now on. She caught me yesterday....knew I had nowhere to go as I spent the day waiting by the phone for news of my son.
I will not let this happen again....why should I? At least when you are out somewhere you can leave and go home. It gets worse when she starts talking crap....and catches my eye as she wants my undivided attention! Aaaaaaagh....no, not happening again!

[available]

Morning nesters,

J, i am so proud of my son and its not easy being young and around friends who drink and binge drink but he knows he was getting bad and i am so fecking grateful for being sober. How can one lecture a 22 year old about their drinking to much when they are a drunk themselves. I want him to get to 50 and have had 28 years of sobriety and a good/great life and to have no regrets like i have had. I want him to live his life as it should be lived, he deserves it and his anxiety has gone down immensely. Mmmm funny that! It wont be easy for him sometimes but as we say the more sober muscles we have the better we can cope.

JD its not worth drinking AT people or for any reason. We can justify all we want but at the end of the day us alkies cant drink. When i first stopped it felt like everything was worth drinking at or for but at the end of the day it was only me and my support network that got me through the bad bits and there were lots of those. Each and every day it gets a little bit easier not to drink until it is 2nd nature. It will always be a part of me but al does not rule my life anymore. Today i am sitting at work clear headed and have no regrets about what i did yesterday or last night, my only regret is i signed up for a personal training session at lunch and i know a part of me will die with what she will put me through! Keep on here and post like a lunatic, if we are left to our own thoughts in the early days it never ends well.

Action, i think any addict has self hate issues. Why us, why cant we stop, why do people still love us, why, why why! I hated myself for drinking while the children were growing up, i hated myself that some people treated me like shit, i just hated me for what i had become and what i had let myself become. Why could other people drink and control themselves and i had none, why did i promise i would stop and couldnt. Every day was the same and i so didnt blame how i felt on drinking until i had no choice. I hated myself for a long while after i gave up drinking as i had a lot to work through and forgive myself for. that first year was the hardest by any means but the most worthwhile. I just know now that i put al in my body constantly for well over ten years on a daily basis and if it takes me ten years to get better than so be it. The good thing is I so dont hate myself anymore and i have so much more appreciation for life.

Hi Rahul lovely to see you.

Oh El, i nearly killed my dogs a lot when i drank with haircuts and sharp scissors. I think they are totally grateful i dont drink anymore.

Daisy i would tell your sister she is not allowed to drink at your house, simple. It is your house, it is your quit and it is your life you are protecting. If she doesnt like it then tough. Why be tempted when you dont have to be and remember its still early days for you.

[j-vo]

Daisy, I love my sister dearly, and I think I would have to tell her it was bothering me. I don't think she'd even think to come over and just drink for hours, though, as she knows that I'm going through my early days. Tell her you love her, but you just can't watch her drink like that because you are not strong enough to be around booze like that. I hope she understands. Then suggest some outings or something you both can enjoy. So glad to hear your son is out of the hospital and doing well.

That's another thing we can be grateful for...people not being annoyed with us, or talking behind our backs about our drinking. NOT ANYMORE! Wow. So glad.

Rahul, good to hear from you and your successes. I'm still shaky and think from time to time how will I ever do this long term, but then I realize how early I am in my quit and I have a long way to go to feel like it's second nature. One day at a time. It's success stories like yours that reel me back into good sobriety mode. Thank you.

[j-vo]

Daisy, I didn't mean you're not strong...just that you're early in your quit and it's a vulnerable time for us. We have to be on guard, and that type of situation is too easy for newbies to fail or just say f-it.

[crocster]

Good morning nesters, Day 9 here. It's going to be a pain having to take my socks off every time I want to post my day count. I may need to invest in some sandals.

Actiongirl: The 3am horrors are still fresh in my mind - for me it was a feeling of deep shame - along with the dry mouth, pounding heart, knowing that I wasn't going to get any more sleep and dreading the day ahead. Shame that I could be so irresponsible on a workday, that I had so little control over how much I drank once I started, that I could wake up swearing not to do it again and then do it, time and time again for at least the last 10 years. I'm now very aware of my birthday clock ticking towards the big "three score years and ten" and I don't want to waste any more of my life hungover.
Cheers

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Daisy & Ava, glad both of your sons are doing well. What a relief!

JDG, is your 18 year old son out of high school & going to work? My kids turned 18 & left to go to college. That's what kids do at that age, right? Put your focus on what you need to do right now to meet your goals, OK?

AG, I think the self-hatred stops when we work to forgive ourselves. Yeah, we all messed up but now we are taking positive steps to move forward in our lives. I really had to learn to stop beating myself up too in the beginning. Treat yourself with the kindness you would give to a good friend

Rahul, good to see you & glad you have healed from your injury.

Crocster, we will have to buy you some counting beads, ha ha!!

Hello to j-vo, kensho, Byrdie, G & everyone.
Wishing everyone a safe & peaceful night in the nest!

Lav

[daisy45]

I know what you mean J-vo. I had to laugh when you said to tell my sister I love her......that would never happen in our family....unless you are drunk! The only people I say that to are my kids.....my American cousins think we are nuts. Even when my dad was ill before he died, it did not happen....just not how we are....I was not brought up that way. We just know and don't say it.
I think I will do what Ava suggested and make it known that there will be 'no drinking' in my house. My daughters don't even drink in the house any more.

[JackDanielsGirl]

Evening all,

Watching the National Championship with my God given children. Today has been good.

Lav - Yes he is out of high school. He homeschooled from the 7th grade on due to a horrible accident and children bullying him, which caused social anxiety. (That is better now).

Have been busy looking for paperwork and information to reinstate my nursing license. Pray that goes well.

Good evening/morning to j-vo, kensho, Byrdie, G, Rahul, ava, daisy, croc and anyone else I missed.

JDG

[Pavati]

Hiya Nest:

I read so much I want to reply to, but I've reached the end of a long day and need to hang up the computer.

JDG - keep with it. Read how much we've all gotten from being and staying sober. Re-look at your plan. Ask for help when you need it. You got this.

Daisy - Glad your son is OK. I am overly honest (my friends all call me "direct.") I would just say, "nice visiting, but I've got to get to work, clean my house, walk the dog, shave my legs, whatever. Actually, if I told my sister I had to clean my house she'd KNOW I was trying to get rid of her, as that is about the last thing I'd make an excuse for. Anyway, point being I favor the direct approach. Looking forward to celebrating 90 with you.

Self loathing for me usually came in the form of "why can't I..." This process has been useful for so much, including my self love and self confidence.

I have to run now. Strength to you all. Take care of yourselves, and don't drink, no matter what.

pav

[actiongirl46]

Hi all, thanks for your thoughts on self-hate. Heavy topic! For myself, I had it while drinking the last few years but it is all gone now. Another thing I don't miss about drinking . . .

JD - welcome back! I have a history of coming and going that I'm trying to break so join me! For what its worth, the things I did differently this time were to tell my husband, get all AL out of the house, and write out a plan in a notebook. I also joined a gym, have a "bucket" of distraction items (e.g. jigsaw puzzles, coloring book, piano, guitar, etc.) and reconnected with my therapist. Oh, also reading and posting. Things I haven't been doing are going out with drinking buddies, going out in the evenings at all really, or doing much grocery shopping.

Daisy - great to hear that your son is doing better. How scary.

Take care - AG

[Guitarista]

[QUOTE=daisy45;1657249
I think I will do what Ava suggested and make it known that there will be 'no drinking' in my house. My daughters don't even drink in the house any more.[/QUOTE]

Actually that makes a lot of sense. There's no grey area, the message/conditions are crystal clear, so no negotiation there. If people visit sure, but leave your booze off the property, no front yard, back yard drinking.....totally off the premises. Take it or leave it. This is a matter of life or death after all I reckon Daisy. Our sobriety is a lifeline. We must protect it.

Hope all are well and happy, or at least heading for such places. Yo!

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters, happy Tuesday to all!

Still very cold here & I think we may have a touch of snow this evening. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later, ha ha!!
Wishing everyone a good AF day. Stay focused on your goals & have no regrets

Lav

[j-vo]

Morning,
Lav, it was a bit tricky driving into work today. First real snowfall and it's January.

OMG, yes I am a bit overly affectionate. I think the direct route is right, and maybe a little hug?? I'm a hugger, too.:hug:

Feeling low today. Didn't sleep well last night thinking of some things. Life is full of ups and downs, but this one, I haven't experienced, ever. I will get through it, though. Without drink.

[Byrdlady]

G-man, I totally agree. This is a battle for some of us for life or death. Let me rephrase that, with the progressive nature of this disease, it is a more imminent matter of life or death for some of us. It will eventually be one for all of us who abuse AL. Matt said it so well, eventually we are all going to stop, the question is when and how!

Pav, I had to laugh when you said you were direct....when I first came to MWO, I would tippy toe around things and gently nudge and coerce.....now I just TELL IT! One of the hallmarks of AL-ism is denial and it's alive and well on our forums! If you gently tell an alkie he should consider stopping drinking or take a break from it....I know I interpreted that as 'Yeah, yeah, yeah....whatEVERRRR'. I think the power of this forum is to use the experience of those who have gone ahead and seen what it takes to beat this ruthless foe. If I haven't learned anything else here, it's that maybe....JUST maybe, I don't have to find out everything the hard way! If I had listened to Lav, I would not be remembering 2010 as THE WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE due to AL!! Ugg. I know now!

Off to the races today! Hope everyone has a peaceful day! t