Newbies Nest

[Matt M.]

. What sort of person am I that I allowed myself go down that road. I'm so ashamed and angry at myself.

A regular person that just so happens to have an addiction to Alcohol. Yes you made the choice to drink, but all the other shit that comes with it, is the debris field left by Alcohol.
The worst person I've ever been is when I was drinking, the worst most regrettable decisions I've ever made were when I was drunk, the worst health I've ever been in was- you guessed it booze-aka perfectly packaged poison.

You know the routine around here for long term sobriety- and focus on what triggered your last slip, are there any comparisons or similarities to previous slips?
Took me several trys , but I finally was able to pin point specific patterns in my sober to relapse time.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, My darkest days have become my greatest asset in maintaining longterm sobriety.

Stay Hard my friend!

Hey everyone! Checking in

[NoSugar]

Moni, other than learning from this

I'm so ashamed and angry at myself.

, the sooner you can let it go, the better. I wasted months beating myself up -- it doesn't change a thing and just inhibits you from embracing the better life ahead of you without alcohol messing it up. Matt nailed it - you're a person who consumed a legal, encouraged, addictive substance and became addicted. Hope you stick around, NS

[Byrdlady]

Good morning!
Lav, I totally agree that being able to change plans at the last minute (especially AT NIGHT) is a freedom I hadnt known in years! I protected my drinking time AT ALL COSTS. It simplifies life all around.
Moni, welcome back!
The value of staying connected to our support system cant be overstated. We have proven we cant do this alone. We have proven that its all some of us can do to achieve it WITH support! Stay connected and you will gain strength from the group!
J-Vo, mano, manochevitz! 90 days! Outstanding! We are so happy for you! Keep up the great work! :balloons: You sound GREAT!
Hope everyone has an easy day! Byrdie

[moni]

Thanks guys. I think realisation kicked in this morning when I was out and about getting so much done by 11am. When I previously managed 13 months AF, it was mainly down to this place as I didn't use any other aids apart from sheer willpower and the support in here. I'm going to lean heavily on this place again and hope I don't become a pain in the posterior to ye.

[LilBit]

Lav, put some peanut butter and syrup on those pancakes, and the grand-youngin' won't be hungry again all day.

This seems to be a super-busy time for many of us in the nest, myself included. Last week, I worked 85 hours in 5 days. But, I absolutely come here and read everyone's posts, every day, no matter how busy life gets. It's vital to maintaining our positive AF "thought life" which leads to our continued success.

Speaking of success, there's absolutely no way in Hades that I could have achieved the things I've done in the last few months (work and personal goals) had I still been drinking.

I look back to a year ago, when I was nearing the end of a decades-long "love affair" with AL, and I see a sad, tired, very anxious LilBit who began binging on wine every Friday night and needed until Tuesday to get back to "normal" (which, in reality, was hungover until Thursday, giving me only 1-2 good days per week). I see a LilBit who would wake up frequently during the night, bombarded with worries about everything from unfinished tasks to relationships to finances, and then crawl out of bed to begin each day already tired and in a bad mood. I see someone with good intentions that were never realized, someone who didn't fathom just how bad things were or how other people really did notice the lingering fog of stench on my breath, my bloodshot eyes or my erratic patterns of ditching plans at the last minute.

I still held down a full-time job; still managed to somehow exercise 3-5 days a week, and convinced myself that I had everyone fooled. I was doing all the tiresome bargaining: "if I can just get through this project that's making me crazy, then I'll quit..." "If I can just get past this family crisis, then I'll quit.." And on and on. When I look back on this time, the overwhelming feeling is exhausted desperation. Or desperate exhaustion. Take your pick.


Here's the good part. Compare that sad, tired little bird with today's LilBit. Everything looks so bright. I'm awake at 7 am on a Sunday, enjoying some coffee and catching up with you guys, planning to exercise outdoors this morning and reveling in the success of last week's accomplishments. In the last 90 days, I've earned about a year's worth of income, stayed healthy, taken some time to relax and enjoyed nearly every moment of it. I thought up and set up an award-winning program for my clients that helps others unlock their potential. It's already being emulated in their other offices across the country. This old dog has also been doing some new tricks in my sport that made my coach's jaw drop. And, my relationships are better, healthier & based on adult boundaries. I'm brimming with energy and creativity, doing some music projects for friends, redecorating my office and making travel plans to compete internationally in the fall.

Lest you think I'm a Pollyana who doesn't face any real issues, know that I'm also scheduled for a six-month followup on my cancer treatment this week. Cancer's a Problem (capital "P") if I've ever seen one. But I don't need a bottle to help me deal with it.

Life is fun again. Happy Sunday, nesters.

[j-vo]

Welcome back Moni. Stay close, read, read, read. If I'm honest, I check into MWO several times a day. I sneak at work, as MWO is always on my mind. Sobriety is always on my mind. Maybe I'm a little OCD about this site, but I'd rather be than be drunk or hungover. 24/7 has worked for me, because the alternative was 24/7 hating myself.

Lav, freedom. Amen.

Loved your post, Matt and LilBit. Thank you.

[LilBit]

Moni, welcome back. We cross-posted and I'm glad that I went back and saw your post. You can't change the past, so there's just no point in wasting a moment on regret. Let it go. Focus on today (and celebrate your 5 days AF -- yay!) Most all of us on this forum, including me, have been exactly where you are, right now. Turn that anger and frustration into momentum to help kick this beast. You can do this.

[lifechange]

Super posts, friends!

Wonderful J-vo on 90 days!!! I'm so proud of you and right on your heels..:happy2:

Moni, Welcome back.. I'll echo what the others have said.. you have 5 days now and never have to waste time again. It's forward marching at this point..I'm happy to get to know you better!

Lilbit, inspiring post! Congratulations on all your AF accomplishments.. I'm already seeing improvements in my life with work and relationships.. and I'm looking forward to continuing clarity!

My mood is much better now after a huge snowball fight with my youngest.. I was longing for laughter and that did the trick!
I also managed a couple of 10 minute naps.. thanks for the advice and reassurance to take care of myself first. I'm no good to others if I'm not ok myself..
:hug:

[moni]

I still held down a full-time job; still managed to somehow exercise 3-5 days a week, and convinced myself that I had everyone fooled. I was doing all the tiresome bargaining: "if I can just get through this project that's making me crazy, then I'll quit..." "If I can just get past this family crisis, then I'll quit.." And on and on. When I look back on this time, the overwhelming feeling is exhausted desperation. Or desperate exhaustion. Take your pick.

This was me, I could well have written this. I was drinking 6 to 7 bottles of wine a week on my own but still trying to maintain normality, partly out of guilt, partly because if I could go out for that 5km run the day after consuming a bottle and half of wine, then there was nothing wrong with doing it.
But things did suffer. I was increasingly becoming more depressed, leading me to drink even more. The apartment is in a complete mess. Paperwork not caught up with. Just general everyday things put on the long finger.

[Pavati]

Hi, Nest:

Lil - a perfect post for me to wake up to. It is all true. I did so much hungover, and look at how much more I can do when I'm not??!!

Hi, Moni. Look forward, not back. You're here now and we're here for you.

Our doggie died this weekend. A very sad time, yet not once did I think of alcohol to ease the pain. Because I wasn't drinking I was able to visit him twice in the middle of the night, and be present when hard decisions needed to be made. This sadness is a part of the human experience, and I am grateful that he was in our lives. I am also grateful that alcohol is out of mine.

More later,
Pav

[Lavande]

Welcome back moni
Stick with us, e erything will be OK!

J-vo, 90 AF days :yay:
Very nice!!!!

Lil, life is indeed good & even better when we really take care of ourselves. I'll be thinking about you & keeping my fingers crossed on your 6 month check.

Hey there LC, Matt & everyone.
Awaiting the arrival of tonight's overnight guest, my granddaughter.

[Lavande]

Pav - cross post.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Our dogs are a big part of our families :hug:

[daisy45]

Great posts.....and all since I checked in this morning!
Moni....so glad to have you back. You have done it before so you know it just gets better...the early days are definitely the hardest....
Super post Lilbit! Inspiring!
Pav, sorry for your loss.
LC, so glad to hear you got some fun and rest....just what the doctor ordered!
J-vo.......you go girl! 90 days is a biggie! Hope everything is going well with your family.....
Went out to a lovely Italian restaurant today with my girls....mmmmmmmmm...the best!
All good here. My intentions are to add a little bit extra into my life. Not in a rush, but I am finding extra time and want to make it worthwhile.

[JackDanielsGirl]

Hi all,

Busy, busy here cooking. I am going to be big as a house but at least I will be sober.

Pav - My condolences. I have 2 that don't believe they are dogs. My heart goes out to you.

J-vo - Congratulations man, way to go!

Moni - Welcome back! I am a returner too and did the same things you are doing. Take it easy on yourself and learn from this. A war is not won with a soldier, it takes an army.

Lav - Enjoy your visitors they grow up so fast. Don't have any grands but a sweet nephew that is just like one.

Stay warm, sober, and be content in the moment.
JDG

[actiongirl46]

Hi all -
Moni, welcome, I could have written LilBit's post as well because I've lived it. 5 days is really great. I look forward to having you here with us.

Pav, so sorry about your dog. That is so hard!

J-vo . . . 90 days!! Awesome.

JD - You rock. Keep it up! What are you cooking today?

I started the morning on a high (no pun intended) as I was up and out the door by 8am to play with the little worship band. I felt so good and was really proud of myself. NOW, however, I'm crashing. Ironically, I've had the worst AL thoughts I've had in awhile STARTING ON THE DRIVE HOME. Can you believe that? This stinks. No worries, hubby is here so there is no risk of acting on the silly thoughts.

Anyway, I'm posting, reading, and will soon take the dog for a walk in the snow. I think Sundays are tough for me too LC. Lots of down time which is nice but leads to lots of time in my head.

Hang in there and stay safe! AG