Newbies Nest

[Lavande]

Good afternoon Nesters

We are enjoying another sunny day in my portion of the nest. That's two days in a row, ha ha!

CONGRATS on your new granddaughter Daisy! That's awesome news & I am glad she is finally here!!

Kensho, JustMe, Matt & everyone I love reading about the positive changes happening in your lives. We are all moving forward & living life as it was meant to be

Hyper, I hope you feel better very soon. Keep your plan close & check in with us every day.

I am going go pick up my granddaughter this evening for a sleepover. Tomorrow morning we will be going to my grandson's pre-K graduation......exciting times, LOL

Oh, NS, I am another one who did all of my previous attempts & failures before I found MWO. Once I found this community I found the strength tonget the job done!

Wishing everyone a great AF Wednesday!

Lav

[Eloise]

Brydie I had another telephone interview today, another one scheduled for Friday & again Monday.
By now we know what we are doing. We are sober, memory is good, ready to roll.
All I can say is be yourself, your brilliance will shine through!

[SouthLondoner]

Hey guys, I'm back here and checking in after a long hiatus.

I've really been closing myself off, and thought have been getting darker and darker.

When I look back I haven't had a proper AL free spell since late last year - not long enough for the residual effects to dissipate.

Although I am drinking, the obvious problems aren't as bad as they were - no 2 day party binges alone, no dangerous situations.

BUT, the subtle negatives are - the low mood, energy, lack of motivation, the isolation at home, the lack of money.

So here to give it a go again.

I do not have faith that I will last any length of time. It feels too much part of me. Part of my life. A habit. I do not socialise without it. And I love that feeling of sinking a pint with a friend.

What I have realised, is I lack connection. I always feel distant and different. AL is that thing that lets me lower my guards, and 'connect'. The days in between feel stressful and a struggle. I look forward to that turn off time on a Saturday.

[NoSugar]

I look back I haven't had a proper AL free spell since late last year - not long enough for the residual effects to dissipate.
So here to give it a go again.
I do not have faith that I will last any length of time. It feels too much part of me.

Maybe give yourself 30 days? That is enough time for your head to clear and then you will be better able to assess your situation.
I'd really isolated myself by the time I quit - connecting here with people who understood what I was going through made a huge difference.
I'm glad you decided to come back and try again.
All the best, NS

[Byrdlady]

SouthLondoner,
Welcome back. If you havent already, be sure to check out the Tool Box, it is a treasure-trove of tips and tricks to help you (link below). The first order of business is to get a PLAN. You know what they say, failing to plan is planning to fail. This CAN work, but it takes commitment, grit and determination. I drank hard for 30 years....I sure didnt think I could socialize or have fun at parties or ever unwind....but guess what, I do all those things better sober! It is scary to think of operating without our 'best friend' but you can truat me when I say, shedding AL was the best decision I ever made. We are so glad you're here! Byrdie

[Guitarista]

I've really been closing myself off, and thought have been getting darker and darker.
BUT, the subtle negatives are - the low mood, energy, lack of motivation, the isolation at home, the lack of money.

I do not have faith that I will last any length of time. It feels too much part of me. Part of my life. A habit. I do not socialise without it. And I love that feeling of sinking a pint with a friend.

What I have realised, is I lack connection. I always feel distant and different. AL is that thing that lets me lower my guards, and 'connect'. The days in between feel stressful and a struggle. I look forward to that turn off time on a Saturday.

Welcome back S/Londoner.

I love the feeling of sinking a few with my mates and switching off too. In fact, i love it so much, i continue on at home. Soon enough, i am knocking back social invitations cause i'd prefer to drink at home alone, or i have already started/not stopped since last social outing.

It has been super important for me to acknowledge this in myself. This is my pattern, for whatever reason. And i have reached a point in my thinking where i do not fear this pattern. I can fear it when i'm drinking, but as long as i understand and accept what happens to me when i drink, then i am ok with this. I go forward in my life with less fear and more of an open heart and mind, and an attitude of acceptance. I try to maintain an attitude of whatever will be will be today, and the chips will fall where they will. I cannot control life, but i can control my thoughts and which thoughts i run with. This takes some practice, but simple and powerful stuff.

Thankfully for me, i see sober life as being full of opportunity and beauty, which it is. I also love drinking and getting numb. But now that i can stop, pause, step back a bit and look at my drinking without fear or favour, and without judgement on myself, in fact with compassion for myself, i can look all of that in the eye (with no fear or judgement) and decide how i really want to live my life, and when.

I have had to learn to be comfortable with getting uncomfortable with my feelings. I would always reach for the bottle when i'd get uncomfortable emotionally, which starts from a thought.

Learning to not be scared of my thoughts, and manage them by letting them be and knowing i don't have to attach myself to them has been a real lifesaver and huge help. They should teach this thought management stuff in school!

The better healthier happier sober life i build for myself the easier it becomes to keep choosing it. I am learning to be comfortable with my thoughts to drink, knowing i have a choice. Apologies for the ramble!

Day 60. Take care out there.

[Samstone]

excellent post G

[Guitarista]

You know Sam, i've come up with another way to look at thoughts.

In a recent class of some study i'm doing, our psychologist teacher drew a useful thinking process up on the board. It went -

-1. Event (someone calling you names. Losing your job. Argument. Late for work/appointment. etc)
-2. Thought (i am an idiot. I am worthless etc)
-3. Feeling (emotion. angry, upset, envy, anxious, depressed, etc)

She said if we can pause and reflect for awhile at the 'thought' stage, without letting the thought barge straight through to the 'feeling' stage (getting angry, frustrated, upset), we can nip negative feelings in the bud.

So, if someone says to me 'hey, you're a dickhead' or 'you always do that wrong' etc. i will try to think about the comment first before i react or get worked up. I have a think and decide whether i agree with the comment or not, and whether the person makes a good point (this process could take a split second or a few days. Gets quicker with PRACTICE). I decide whether to take the comment onboard/let it in or not. Do i let a comment through (where my emotions live), or do i discard it as not relevant AND/OR the comment is coming from that persons own issues which have nothing to do with me, at the 'thought gate'?

For me from now on, thoughts have to be inspected and processed at the gate before entry. I see i'm having to deport quite a few sending them back to where they came. Makes sense to me, and it works......with practice.

Having said that, i try to not have any walls or barriers up, and try to live with an open heart and open mind with no fear (but with respect for the dangers to me of boozing). I can't know or control where the cookie crumbles.

The 'thought gate'. Calling all thoughts, all thoughts.....please make your way to gate 1. Please have your passports, documents and reasons for travel ready for inspection. Some of you may be requiring a return ticket!

[Mick]

G...pretty interesting post mate..cheers...sometimes tho the order isnt as simple as that..and one may trigger another one off fr instance..1 23 ..is logical ,but it can be any combination and order and it also depends on who is doing what to whom... in a 2 way match ..both would not have that order of response..the one thing that is missing between any of the stages is reflective time..this is where you or both parties pause and think ..what they are doing ,and also consider the "ripple "effect ..ie what are the consequences of my actions,how will they affect others and also me ..both short and long term..the trouble is nowadays,with everything having to be done yesterday ..there is no such luxury as thinking time..if there was, I am pretty sure there would be a massive reduction in .....

criminality
violence
self harm/suicide
alcoholism
drug misuse/abuse
ill health
stress

so lets slow the world down and see how we get on.....

[Guitarista]

G...pretty interesting post mate..cheers...sometimes tho the order isnt as simple as that..and one may trigger another one off fr instance..1 23 ..is logical ,but it can be any combination and order and it also depends on who is doing what to whom... in a 2 way match ..both would not have that order of response..he one thing that is missing between any of the stages is reflective time..this is where you or both parties pause and think ..what they are doing ,and also consider the "ripple "effect ..ie what are the consequences of my actions,how will they affect others and also me ..both short and long term..the trouble is nowadays,with everything having to be done yesterday ..there is no such luxury as thinking time..if there was, I am pretty sure there would be a massive reduction in .....

criminality
violence
self harm/suicide
alcoholism
drug misuse/abuse
ill health
stress

so lets slow the world down and see how we get on.....

Yep no doubt Mick, a bit more thought before our actions might help slow things down. I forgot to elaborate that in this basic model, the reflective stage is part of the 'thought' stage. The thought is where e.g. i can believe that i am an idiot or not, or i am never wrong/always wrong, or that i don't agree with the other person and i don't take any verbal attack personally and discard it right then and there (that's the theory) before i get emotional about it. The thought stage would also question why am i getting angry or upset, then if there is no logic to it, discard the thought as illogical and false. If i continue to allow myself to get worked up and upset over something that has no basis, no logic, doesn't stack up etc, then i'll just have to suffer until i start to work it out. lol.

I think you may have a point about the order. It mightn't be cast in stone. I can see where a feeling can occur before a thought, or maybe at the same time. I'd say some sort of 'event' would need to happen first to trigger one or both thought and feeling.

I'm mainly talking about day to day living here and general frustrations we encounter. I don't know if i'd be doing much thinking in life threatening situations. A different part of the mind might take over.

To any one rolling there eyes or getting a headache.......my apologies!

Goes without saying this is easier said than done and i'm not real good at it yet, but i see how it works. Buddhists and many folks in the far east have known this stuff for centuries. Detachment.

[SouthLondoner]

Thanks for the replies/support.

I am trying to keep this thought in mind: when it is a cloudy day we forget about the blue sky. And when it is a clear blue day we forget about the cloudy days. But both are inevitable.

The key going forward is learning to connect with people. People who matter. AL has robbed connection. Which makes real connection harder, or more painful. There's more behind it - but that is the long turn underlying issue here. Being open. Open to risk. Open to emotion. Open to feeling.

[NoSugar]

Great discussion to wake up to in the nest!

It seems to me that thoughts and feelings are almost simultaneous most of the time. But as long as we know in the back of our minds that the feelings arise only from the thoughts, not the circumstances, and that thoughts are ephemeral and can change at any time, we don't have to get too upset about the feelings. We experience them but don't have to take them too seriously or worry that we'll feel that way forever. We won't.

Hey, SouthLondoner. The blue skies are always up there - and the clouds will eventually pass.

Have a good day, Nesters!

[Byrdlady]

This is a very timely discussion for me, also. I tell you, the tools I have learned right here in the NN have served me very well!

I learned that one of my old accounts has been given to a 26 year old that was hired a couple months ago in another division. This customer is going to eat his lunch, as he did mine for over 25 years! Bwahahahaha.

I'm trying not to be bitter about all this. It has been a real test on a lot of fronts. My whole world has been up ended....but at NO TIME, have I considered AL to escape it. Hallelooooya!

Hope everyone has an easy day. Byrdie

[Fin]

Checking in after another live performance last night sans alcohol. Again, a much better experience all around. Then, another breakthrough in my relationship with alcohol. I was helping to clean up when I came across a recycling can full of empty and partially empty beer bottles. The thing absolutely reeked. I actually had a repulsive reaction to it vs. thinking how left out I was by not being able to imbibe. Good riddance.

SL, all I can say is that sobriety is possible. It's taken me quite a few fits and starts to get to where I am now which is 100% resolved. I can tell you that my life in every way is so much better and especially my inner life...my relationship with myself. That's where it all starts, so please-please take care of yourself however you can do that for you. Lot's of support here, too...

Being good,
-Fin

[Mick]

Great discussion to wake up to in the nest!

It seems to me that thoughts and feelings are almost simultaneous most of the time. But as long as we know in the back of our minds that the feelings arise only from the thoughts, not the circumstances, and that thoughts are ephemeral and can change at any time, we don't have to get too upset about the feelings. We experience them but don't have to take them too seriously or worry that we'll feel that way forever. We won't.

Hey, SouthLondoner. The blue skies are always up there - and the clouds will eventually pass.

Have a good day, Nesters!

hiya ns...yep ..tis a good discussion..thoughts and feelings are almost simultaneous most of the time. and also interchangeable in order of batting..they can also roll on,rather like a snowball rolling ,gathering momentum as they go..picking up other thoughts and feelings as they go on..circumstances can cause direct physical feelings,ie pain /pleasure,without going through the thought gateway..we may come back to that gate but not always..as for thoughts being ephemeral..yep they are but that realisation isnt always present in our thinking patterns..for most people "arent going to last forever"isnt good enough and we cannot shed those moods/feelings..we need end dates..thats why "im never going to drink" or "wont be able to drink ever again "are insurmountable targets when we first quit..we break it down into chunks of manageable and recognisable periods of time...