Newbies Nest

[Fin]

Quick check-in - Wife and daughter back in the house after a two week trip and daughter continues to make very poor choices now back at home. I am so grateful to be sober through this time. The bottle can never solve problems....only perpetuate them. Wish me luck as I strive to be the best parent I can possibly be to this young person.

Being good,
-Fin

[tonyniceday]

OMG I already know this is going to turn into a rant, and I apologise in advance but I just NEED to off-load.

As said above, my Dad is staying until tomorrow. Today we were supposed to have a "tourist" day out and there was a particular castle/country estate he wanted to visit so off we went.

All went well, we had lunch and then about half an hour later he said he fancied another cup of tea - a little strange when we'd just had lunch, but I went along with it and back to the tea room. Then he said he'd like to sit outside to drink the tea - again, strange as the weather is ok, but not that warm. We sat down and he then put his hand on my back (the closest sign of affection from him that I can ever remember!) and said "I know you've got a problem".

This took the wind out of my sails. I see him infrequently, this was only his 1st visit here in 2 years, and there could only be 2 possible sources of that information: my wife and/or my sister. I'd told both of them that I did not want them discussing my problem with alcohol with him and that if and when I was ever ready to do so, I'd talk to him myself.

I said "so you've been talking to "X" and "Y" (being wife and sister). He admitted he had and that they had all three spoken together. My first, and still continuing now, emotion was of anger that they had gone against my specific and expressed wish that they didn't talk to him about it. These are the 2 people in the whole world I trust the most, the two I would take a bullet for and they have let me down.

The conversation went on with him asking whether I was getting professional help (Yes) whether I had people I could confide in (Yes, on here) and whether I was taking drugs to help (Yes) and did I think I would be able to get over my problem. Then he said I could discuss anything with him and he even said that over the years he had become "unshockable"... Mistake, big mistake, HUGE MISTAKE.

That, my friends, is where I lost it completely. - I thought "You've become unshockable? Lets see about that shall we"

I let rip. I told him the history of the last 22 years of my life and although I now realise I missed out some real "pearlers" I told him about all the most stupid, dangerous, and downright embarrassing things I've done, whilst drunk, in the whole of that period. Mr "unshockable" was DEEPLY shocked.

His only reply was "So don't you think you'd better stop drinking".

I told him that today I am 14 days without a drink and taking things one day at a time. His reply?

"oh well, I suppose that's something!"

I am never going to forget this conversation with him but my huge disappointment is having been let down by the 2 people I thought I could trust the most. I don't know what I'm going to say to them right now so I'm going to work to take it out on some vegetables with a very sharp knife...

[Justme Again]

Ouch Tony! That must hurt...
So sorry that you went through that.

The people closest don't see it that way. They probably did it with the hopes that you can come closer to your dad and that THAT would heal you. Wonder if he truly knew before they spoke to him. You seem to be an achiever in life. Most people only see the things we do that they only wish they can, but have no idea how stress eats us alive. (Or how al rips us apart.)

I would feel the same disappointment. It is a personal yourney.

Hope you reconned with those veggies.

I am rooting for your day 15!

[Justme Again]

And thanks for hoping I have a good day.

It was ok... (hectic!), but it helped a lot to know that someone knew I am working my arse off - sober!

Tonight would have been perfect to drink. No kids around. No compulsory dinner to make.
A few disgusting glasses of sweet box wine. Pop some pain killers. Watch senseless semi funny tv re-runs. Reach a fussy place with no stress, hunger or need to bath.

But tommor morning would have been hell. Damage control. How not took look hung over.

No, no. I want 1000 days.

[available]

Tony when i told my mother i had given up drinking which i dreaded like getting the plague, her response was "i wish you had given up smoking". I have received no support or help from her but i am not doing this for her, i am doing this for me. She knew i had a bad problem with al, my brother died from al related illnesses, but this was her reply. Shit happens but keep going, your wife and sister care about you deeply. Be thankful they are on your side. I am lucky i have my 4 childrens love and support. I cannot change my mother, i tolerate her now.

I know i became more determined to show her and i have!

[Matt M.]

Checking in, as the dog days of summer smack down on us in my part of the world.

Tony- The whole anonymity issue in regards to Alcohol and or addiction. I had some issues with this in my family as well, and while I'm not taking sides or agreeing with what you're sister and wife did I have a different way to look at it.
Could it be possible that your family new you were struggling with this and possibly got ahead of this with your Dad? So as to keep him from questioning you are making a big deal about not drinking?
For me, IN my 20ish years of drinking I can't count on all my toes and fingers 10 time's the amount of time's I was dishonest, conniving to my loved ones. In this case your family broke your request of anonymity, yet quite possibly did so in a way to help and or protect you.
Like I said I had something similar happen and getting mad at them almost felt like throwing rocks in a glass house, just my 2 cents for what it's worth...

Btw- I'm creeping up on 700 days, but who's counting. 😆


Stay hard my friends

[aihfl]

In the end, we have to quit for ourselves anyway. Many people just don't understand that we're not all selfish criminals with no regard for others. I deluded myself into thinking I could have an ex-girlfriend back if I just stayed sober "for her." In hindsight, I can see that was never going to happen anyway, because no matter how long I've been sober, this is someone who is always going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Today, I'm not sober to "honor" anyone or live up to anyone's expectations, including myself. I'm sober simply because it's easier than the alternative, which would entail talking my way out of it with my employer and/or law enforcement, talking my way out of missed commitments with friends and family members, neglecting my dog, waking up still drunk and going to buy more alcohol insuring the cycle continues, waking up in the hospital, waking up in jail, going through horrible withdrawals yet again, the list is endless.

[Byrdlady]

Holy moly, what a busy day. Trying to learn a new job and all the forms and such is made worse by Windows 10! What a pain! Next week, Im flying to FL to meet with a couple customers and my boss will be there so maybe that will be an opportunity to learn something. Right now, Im justctrying to stay afloat.

Tony, my heart goes out to you. If we come at this from the other side (I got this from my hubs), I imagine your sister and wife were extremely worried about you. Hubs said it is an extremely helpless feeling watching the person you love destroy herself. The more he called me out on my drinking, the more I snuck around and the worse I got. He didnt know how to help me and I didnt know how to help myself. Finally, he'd had enough. He told me he was leaving me after 24 years of marriage. Men are different than women, we gather opinions (like your wife and sister did) but he kept it all inside. I know it hurts, but I can assure you, they did it out of extreme concern for you and love. I wish they hadnt brought your dad into it, but it is what it is. His reaction .....unreal.

What I do know is that time and distance from AL will give you incredible clarity, confidence and strength. As long as you remain sober, nobody can hold this against you ever again. That alone is worth the price of admission. Dont be surprised in a few years if your dad offers you a drink! Its the damndest thing....how can they be so clueless?!!! They think you 'get over' this!!!

Remenber, all you gotta do is get thru this day. We are pulling for you! Byrdie

[tonyniceday]

Sorry about the rant, folks, and thanks for the replies which all seem to put things in a different light, although I still feel let down. Apparently it was my Sister who talked to him and he then rang my wife to discuss whether they could put some plan together to "cure" me........AAAAGHHH

After massacring potatoes, carrots, broccoli, tomatoes, cucumber etc, and then mashing potato by hand instead of using the machine, I feel a bit better. I've decided that this is an episode I cannot reverse and am just going to have to deal with as best I can. I am therefore drawing a line for the moment...

________________________________________________

(That's the line!!) On a far more positive note, it's after 1 am here so I am into day 15 - my personal best... Thanks once again for all your help and support - it means one hell of a lot.

Good night and catch up with you all tomorrow

Tony

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

I had a busy but fairly good day after being up most of the night with a sick dog. The poor thing may be exceeding her warranty at this point

Tony, I'm sorry you had this happen to you BUT if you could just put it on the 'back burner' for a while, that would be best.
I understand the feeling of disappointment, I really do. Perhaps when you are further along & feeling stronger in your sobriety you can let them know your thoughts & feelings. Right now the most important thing is your staying on track & accumulating those AF days. Great job on 15

Matt, 700 huh? Very nice, I am happy for you!

Byrdie, new computers are a pain, Windows 10 does not help. I am dealing with the same thing for my business right now. We are strong women so we will manage!!! Ha ha!!

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[Justme Again]

Morning Nest!

Tony - I am so happy for your day 15! May you have the best of days!

Matt - your numbers are my dream. Good solid af time. Great going!

Byrdie - with uncapped wifi my computer upgraded itself to windows 10 after I passed out some 80++ days ago. It was a mini nightmare to wake up to windows 10
hung over...

Lav - what is wrong with your dog?
My pups are growing! Cute to see their personalities. To clean after them is a pain, but have to say that sometging inside me wakes up/ heal? When taking care of something so small and depended on me.

Somehow things shuffled around so that I can handle my 3 jobs with grace the rest of the week. Thankful for that!

Till later.

[tonyniceday]

Dad has gone! That was one hell of a day yesterday and one I don't want to have again... Today, however, is my PB day and I decided that, although I have to work this evening, that staff could do all the prep and I'll go in in a little while. Today has been good. The weather has been ok ish for the morning and early afternoon. The mower, rake, and other garden stuff arrived (thank you Amazon!) and so I've been able to do about 2/3rds of the clearance of the wilderness which is supposed to be our garden.

The garden is my project to give me something else to do other than open another bottle! Rain did stop play a little while ago but hey, progress has been made and it was hard work, but I enjoyed it. I haven't worked out how to upload photos on here (if you can) but am thinking of setting up a Garden Blog somewhere as the project progresses.

Are any of you keen gardeners that I can run some ideas past?

It's a bit like being sober at the moment - one day at a time and we'll slowly get there!

Tony

[KENSHO]

Morning! Beautiful summer day here. We were camping last weekend - it is always amazing how nature brings me right back to equilibrium. We get synced with a slower speed and different priorities - healing. Today I am working hard so I can relax with the kiddos tonight. My daughter wanted to donate her hair, so we just cut that yesterday - 10"! Her dad and I were sad to see the long locks go (she has amazing hair), but she absolutely LOVES her new short do. I wanted her to know that she is beautiful and still herself no matter what her hair looks like (but I almost cried!). My son has acting classes tonight - and I am considering renting a paddle board for an early morning water adventure tomorrow. We ARE busy - we want to enjoy this summer (and life) to its fullest!

My husband continues to do more personal work. He is actually reading a book I ordered him, and he is making progress. We are doing well. If only we could find that parenting manual that we never got about 10 years ago.... I hope every day that we are giving our kids what they need. Not being fixated on a stupid addiction - and not being "altered" with alcohol is a definite start - but I always feel I could be a better parent. Oh well, my best is all I can do. My husband said to me a couple days ago that he wants the inner peace I seem to have. I told him that it takes work to get there, and focus on what makes ourselves happy - in any external circumstances. It's a mindset to appreciate the bad as much as the good - knowing that it is all a part of nature to balance us and help us grow. And it is a mindset to keep our peace even when the shit is flying around us. Others cannot take our happiness unless we let them. And that makes a better parent as well.

Enough... I have to get my work done so I can go play!! Hugs to all and I hope to hear more about your garden TONY! It's an unrealized dream of mine to be good with plants!

[Eloise]

Tony... Was wondering how you were getting, yesterday was busy for me..
I think maybe this conversation with your dad is the beginning of a long lines of experiences you are going to have to go through.
Please keep your eye on the fact that no matter what, you are not going to drink.
That is all that is important.
Put yourself and your quit first.
Finding peace in all this is also important in the long run. Our families mean well, although it doesnt always seem so.
Sorry about this breech of confidence, but you didnt drink over it and THAT is a victory.
And happy day 15!

[Byrdlady]

Dang, what a busy day.
Im about halfway thru that 14 hour alarm licesning course. Man, it is brutally DRY. I dread the exam at the end. Im TRYING to pay attention, but it aint easy.

Tony, Im so happy you are at your personal best! I think you will find things to be easier on this side! Great going! Mick is an avid gardener and I think he had a thread about it. He is enjoying a 15 day european vacation at the moment but Im sure he's still checking in. I think we have lots of gardeners around here, we just need to harvest them!

Kensho, how sweet of your daughter to donate her hair! Glad to hear you and your hubs are reconnecting.

Yep, Windows 10 is something else. I tried to do a print screen today and NEVER DID get it to work. I finally took a picture of it with my phone! Im going to have to break down and read the book, I guess. UGG.

Hope everyone had an easy day today! Hang in there! Byrdie