Newbies Nest

[Byrdlady]

Bobby, you make an excellent point in your post! Life really DOES get busy when we start living it instead of passing out on the couch every night. I can tell you that during the past 3 months, mine has been extremely busy, too! Losing a job, getting a job, learning the job....But even with all that going on, I MAKE time to check in here. It would be really easy to let it slide for a day or two, or three. Next thing you know, a week has gone by and I haven't checked in. I'm busy, after all. However, I consider that I am in an 'AT RISK' group of people. I'm an alcoholic. If growing older has taught me ONE THING it's that maybe I don't have to learn everything the hard way. In my years of checking in here day after day....a lot of the learning that goes on is not in what I see. It's in what I don't see. Whenever I go back in this thread (or any thread on the site) searching for something, I see people and wonder what happened to them. We see them day after day....then less frequently, then not at all. I'm writing this as much for myself as I am anyone else...but when other things take priority over our quits, it's really easy to fall back into everything that was easier...including our old standby coping friend, AL. I have witnessed this first hand too many times to count. We see folks coming back in having done all the hard work saying that they got complacent. "What happened?" we'll ask..... and we learn that they lost touch with their support. NOT drinking is hard to do in a society that promotes it at EVERY turn. Yes, there are some people who manage to stay sober without checking in here, or anywhere....but they are few and far-between. Speaking only for myself, I worked too hard to lose sight of where I could be if I get lazy. Getting AL out of my life has brought me to this point in life, and checking in and helping others (and myself at the same time) is a small price to pay.

Thank you, Bobby, for reminding me that even tho we are busy living life, we have priorities, and before anything else, it's staying sober!

Hope everyone has an easy day! Byrdie

[Woody Woods]

Hiya folks,

Hello again Byrdlady, Woody here, from the other thread..... ;>)>

Not sure if I'm doing this right, or posting this in the right place - please forgive me if not, am totally new to all this! Seems cosy here though....

I dashed off a few lines about myself by way of introduction, but I was enjoying typing so much that as usual, it turned into a rather long waffle..... It is good to vent though and actually express some feelings rather than bottling them up; for me this makes a refreshing and novel change!

If I am posting in the wrong place or otherwise committing any sort of faux-pas, someone do please let me know - all tips and advice gratefully received!

Here goes:

A brief bit about me - I was born in the West of England, living currently in the Republic of Ireland (I was a 'Brefugee' long before it became, shall we say, 'pressing,' as is currently the case for many of my countrymen- and ladies!).... I am a blues musician and very keen on woodworking and gardening.... I also have a longstanding (10+ years) of alcohol abuse under my belt, which I have very recently taken the first baby-steps towards addressing.... Like so many others, I turned to drinking as a way to alleviate crippling anxiety, and transform myself, (like Clark Kent in a 'phone box), from being an introverted recluse to being an ebullient, sociable and (hopefully) modestly entertaining performer on the local pub circuit.... And then of course, more drinks to knock myself out afterwards, and finally get some form of fitful sleep, which I never seem to achieve until the sun rises and the rooster crows.... Over the years, more and more drinks were required to achieve the desired effect, until I reached the distressing state in which I currently find myself... rinse and repeat, etc...

Earlier this week my long-suffering, non-drinking partner dragged me along invited me to accompany him to visit a doctor for the first time in literally years, but I came away feeling disheartened, and that my concerns had not been fully listened to: I was hoping for something to finally treat (what I see as) the root cause of my excessive booze consumption; namely, chronic anxiety since childhood, and a broken body clock - I even had a fairly clear idea of which medicines and approaches towards recovery I would have liked to try (do doctors hate patients in whom the Google-Fu is strong?), but as it stands I came away 50 quid lighter (for the consultation) with a 'scrip for SSRI's, Librium, Thiamine, etc, and a direction to seek out a local AA meeting post-haste..... All of which I felt later, was a bit too much of a 'One-Size-Fits-All' approach for my taste, but I wasn't mentally at my sharpest at the time of my visit, having been awake since the previous afternoon and consumed my usual lake of alcohol overnight.... Having read as much as I can around the topic of treatment for alcohol problems, I would dearly love to try Baclofen, (possibly controversial around here?) but getting a doctor to prescribe it here is apparently as rare as rocking-horse shit, so I will have to investigate other options for the time being..... I'll cheerfully admit have no real idea what I am doing, and am aware that much of my thinking around the general topic of sobriety may be badly skewed by the years of boozing to excess.......... :>)>

I am not entirely averse to trying the doctor's recommended pills and whatnot, but I am hoping at least that he can change the sertraline prescription for citalopram - I used to take citalopram for the anxiety and found that it really helped, with few side effects, whereas I have known many people who have been on sertraline who found that it made them unbearably nauseous for weeks etc, which makes me wary of it.... What is certain is that I need something to deal with the bloody awful withdrawal symptoms which start to kick in after a day or two of no booze; namely the sweating and shaking and feelings of abject despair which I'm sure many here will be familiar with.... For 10 years I have neatly avoided hangovers by dint of simply being slightly squiffy at (almost) all times, so I fear that the mother of all hangovers may be awaiting me once I stop.... Rather like the apocryphal tale of the 1930's bluesman Robert Johnson, who allegedly sold his soul to the Devil at the Crossroads - the Devil must be paid sooner or later (not that I am a believer in religion, but it's a good story nonetheless!)

For the first time, I actually feel motivated to try and do something about the drinking and the other issues, and I feel positive about the decision to join this forum, and the fact that I have at least been in the same room as an actual doctor (even if he was about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike, bless him), but onwards and upwards eh :>)>

In the interests of full and frank disclosure: to my shame, there is a nearly full almost empty pint of beer next to me as I'm typing this, which must be the.... erm, tenth? eleventy-seventh? or so which I have consumed since last night, so I'm not even remotely sober.... Unfortunately the ability to type is the last thing to go, in my case, long after the ability to walk in a straight line unassisted, or speak without slurring a bit, has departed....

I recently came up with the 'cunning plan' to brew my own ale, as a cheaper, healthier and tastier option than the godawful cheap 'cider' from Aldi (which has never had an apple near it) in the wildly-overoptimistic hope that (besides gaining an enjoyable new hobby), if plentiful delicious homemade IPA was freely available at all times, then I would be able to sample the odd one now and again, without feeling the nightly pressing need to rush down to the shop before closing time and buy the dreadful plonk 'just in case,' and so as not to run out...... I have a feeling that many readers might have spotted the fatal flaw in my genius scheme by this point - namely that after one or two 'samples,' one is seized by the notion that several more would be an excellent idea, all in the name of quality control, of course! 'Tis rather a shame that I have another 5 gallons (40 pints/ 23 litres) sitting in a bucket in the shed, which is ready for bottling within the next day or two..... I suppose I could always give it away, not that I can think of anyone offhand who would want it! :>)>

Hopefully one day soon I will be able to say on here that I have gone X days without a drink, as others on here do, and I look forward to getting involved in this whole posting-on-a-forum malarkey, and accepting the support of likeminded souls - my replies may not always be swift, as I tend to periodically 'disappear off the face of the earth', (much to the consternation of my nearest and dearest), when I can't face communicating with anybody - but having said that, I will try..... and for now, I am trying to fill the endless tipsy hours with typing, until a socially-acceptable bedtime when I can finally crash out...

All the very best wishes to you all, and if you have read this far down my ramblings, then I salute you!

As Bob Hoskins used to say, 'It's Good to Talk'............

PS - Bugger - tried to do 'strikethroughs' in a couple of places, but it doesn't seem to have worked... Is that not a thing here, or did I do it wrong? lol....

Woody :>)>

[available]

Woods welcome to the nest. The positive in your post is you do realise you have a problem and went to the drs. I think we all work out what works for us be it meds or AA or standing on one hand upside down. Mine was to stop lying to stop bullshitting myself that i was functional and really "not that bad" and making a 110% commitment to stop, ask for help, take the said help and get the support from my children and here. I had to be committed on posting on here or else if left to my own devices and al voices in my head i would drink.

Tip out your al, sounds kind of cruel to the al but if you do want to stop the last thing you need in your life is gallons of al enticing you. I drank every day ending in a Y and it was 2 plus bottles of wine. On my way to 3 when i realised that i was going to kill myself if i kept doing this. I was too embarrassed to go to the drs, too embarrassed to ask for help except here on a site that is full of alkies and who all understand that giving up al is hard but doable.

I was popping xanax daily for the anxiety i thought was created by life and all its stressors but now i dont drink suprisingly my anxiety is much more in control as is my life in general.

You can do this Woods, you came on here. Keep posting and go water the garden with your brew.

Take care.

Bobby i started a course last week and i am totally exhausted on a Thursday. I am loving the course though and think i have found a career that i should have done years ago except drinking got in the way. I'm already planning a diploma lol.

Just have a happy 2 weeks off, are you going anywhere or just enjoying home time? i love home time now. I love hibernating too especially in winter. This weekend i plan on blowing some cold air over to lav for her young chicks.

Getting a skin cancer cut out tomorrow that keeps growing back. Thus why i have been awake since 4am worrying. Will be glad when it is over and out of the way.

Thursday here and then a 3 day weekend for me, yeah!

x

[moni]

I'm an idiot. I should never have left, should never have thought I was 'safe', should never have over estimated myself. I F'd up. Not just simple F'd up, one or two off my plan. I F'd up with bells and whistles. I'm so scared I'm going to lose my job right now and everything I've ever worked for and that's shamefully what's really brought me back. I thought I was doing good, a night out here and there, being sensible about it. But oh no, the big F up was only around the corner and did it strike big, it sure did. I woke up last Friday morning with a vague recollection of the night before but the one thing that was screaming back at me was that I had a work colleague back in my apartment late the previous night who should not have been here. On so many levels, he's slightly more senior, married, has more power etc etc. And worst of all, I had blackouts so can't recall much apart from knowing he was here. The only memory I have was asking him why he was here as he was sitting next to me on the sofa and drinking a beer. He told me he was here to ensure I got home safe, we'd had a work night out. I'm not here for sympathy, but I'm also not here to be condemned to the last as I've spent 6 days beating myself up so badly I can't feel much worse.

I hate that I'm 'one of those people' who can't control themselves. I hate that now I'm probably 'That girl' in work. I hate myself so much right now and suspect I do all along that I allow this to happen to me.

[Byrdlady]

Woody, Im so glad to see you made it over to the nest! You did it right, too, thank you for sharing your story with us. You will find that we all have many more similarities than differences around here. We all understand how AL affects us, and together, we can share best practices to beat this crippling addiction.

I think Doctors dont really understand addiction either and are quick to shuffle us off to AA. After all, AA is the 'go to' that we all see on tv. However, for many of us, AA just wasnt a good fit. The beauty of this place is that it's available whenever and however you need it. There are 7 years of history right here to learn from. This thread alone is a treasure trove. Back when I started, there werent that many posts in the course of a day, but all I had to do was read back a few days, months or years and I could find something with which to identify. You'd have to be really unusual to tell us something we havent heard/seen/done.
Im going to go refresh a thread for you...'You know you're an alcoholic when.....' Look for it under new posts. It is both sad and humorous, but you can see that we all share this same DNA when it comes to AL. You will never be alone here, we will be walking right beside you. We are so glad you're here!
Byrdie

[Justme Again]

Hi Moni

So sorry for the way you are feeling right now.
Got chills when reading your post... sounds too familiar.

I have done terrible embarrassing things while blacked out and had to face the people involved on a daily basis. It sucked!!

Would like you to know that it happens a lot to a lot of people. And that it will feel way less intense after a while. Especially AF time.

Not long ago I also feared for loosing my job because of al. It was a very shameful experience, but I am now so thankful it happened. It finally got me into the Nest after a 5 year bender.

Chin up. There is a way out.

[Justme Again]

Byrdie - what a great post! And thank you for that.

After not checking in for a week, I started hearing those al voices. "Working so hard and so late... I deserve to relax..."
Truth is, if I drink I can forget about being able to work hard or late.

I also recognise that exactly those thoughts and not checking in here led to my relapse.

Today was busy and finished off with an after hours meeting. I felt lonely today while I was among many people. After calming down I just needed to fall in the safe nest to be where I don't feel lonely. Where I am understood.

Thank you Nesters.

[Justme Again]

Hi Woody!

Welcome to the Nest!

[moni]

Hi Moni

So sorry for the way you are feeling right now.
Got chills when reading your post... sounds too familiar.

I have done terrible embarrassing things while blacked out and had to face the people involved on a daily basis. It sucked!!

Would like you to know that it happens a lot to a lot of people. And that it will feel way less intense after a while. Especially AF time.

Not long ago I also feared for loosing my job because of al. It was a very shameful experience, but I am now so thankful it happened. It finally got me into the Nest after a 5 year bender.

Chin up. There is a way out.

Thanks Justme, right now I feel like a total idiot and feel I've let all professionalism go out the window. I try to keep a clear division between my private and professional life as they are so different. I'm ashamed I let them cross and under such circumstances. Also ashamed to get so bad I had blackouts and anything may have happened that I don't recall.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Finally found a chance to check in & say hello

Hello & welcome Woody!
Glad you decided to join us so please stick around. Go thru our fabulous Tool box & write yourself a good working plan. That together with help & suggestions from your doc will help you reach your goals!

Ava, I hope everything goes well for you re your skin lesion :hug:

Moni, you have learned a hard lesson apparently but you are back so let's get this AF going again! Buckle yourself in & hang in there.
Move that whole thing into the history books & never repeat!

Bobby, hope your 2 weeks off are pleasant

Hi there Justme & everyone!
Wishing a safe & peaceful night in the nest for all!

Lav

[Justme Again]

Moni

I've come to realise that one cannot totally keep work and private life apart. How much it spills into one another should have balance, but the real problem is the secret of an uncontrolable al problem. Its how I see it. My al addiction spun out of control and spilled into my professional life. Think it happens to most of us to some degree.

My last black out night, with someone who should not have been in my space, was devastating. Got a clearer picture of what happened through the grape vine. It is the yuckiest yuck to deal with.
I asumed the worst (still do) and got on with it. I cannot live with myself being angry and ashamed for a state that I was in for a couple of hours.
Whatever happened, happened. Its over.
And the problem with black outs is that other people don't realise you are blacked out, but stil walkin and talkin...

My heart goes out to you!

[tonyniceday]

Morning nesters!

Byrdie - That is so true about using time, and having things to do - I've been lucky in that I have been doing loads of things I never did before, from the mundane chores, through to my new gardening project. Frankly, even at only 6 weeks in, I'm beginning to wonder how I ever got through when I was blotting so much of my time out with Al. Also your point about checking in here daily is so important. Sometimes we may not have the time to write much, and it is important that then we still take time to read what others have posted. I don't think I've ever, so far, come away from the site without something which has helped me in some way or another, sometimes something big, sometimes something small.

Woody - Welcome You've definitely come to the right place. Looking through your story, there is nothing new in there. If you go back through the threads on here, you'll find every element of your story repeated somewhere else. You may have a different "blend" of the elements of the story but the great thing about this site is that there is very rarely something that someone has not experienced before. It's the common thread that is important. You've done the most important thing, which is to accept that you and Al need to part company. No one can tell you when to do this.. not your partner, your doctor, your friends, us here, Nobody but you can do that. I hope it's today but that is up to you. If it is today then 2 things I would say... Firstly if you've not had a drink today, then put your name on the Roll Call as Day 1... Secondly, your doctor has prescribed you some drugs. I am not a medic and would never seek to advise someone on what they should take but I can ASSURE you from personal experience that one of the drugs in the list you gave really does help dramatically with the detox, and reduces down those symptoms you are fearing. With me they were reduced, by that drug, to a very manageable level. No one and nothing can make it "Easy" but things can be made easiER... Woody, take heart, you are not alone, we've all been where you are now and there IS a way out and we're all here with you...for as long as you want.

Moni - Try not to over-stress on this and I am going to take the liberty of putting this from the other perspective. Quite a number of years ago I was in this situation but from the male point of view. Both myself and a lady less senior than me at work had had too much to drink at the Christmas party. I helped her home and one thing led to another (although to this day I do not know if things went "all the way" as I was very drunk too). A weekend intervened and I went back to work the next week PETRIFIED as to what might happen. I was the more senior colleague and I could be hauled over the coals or sacked for it. I was married to my first wife and if that got back home then that would cause untold problems at home, if not an immediate break-up. I felt that if it got out then I would be looked down on by my peers and seniors as someone who had over-stepped the mark and acted totally without thought of the consequences.

What happened was that the lady concerned bided her time during that day and during the afternoon we had a "water-cooler" moment where it was just she and me by the machine getting some water. She looked me in the eye and thanked me for seeing her home, and said we both know that things went to far, that she was drawing a line under it, and without waiting for any response from me she immediately started discussing a work project we were both involved with and that was the end of the matter. Nothing more was ever said.

I really don't know if this helps at all, but you could just take control like that and get the subject close. Unless he is a complete jerk, he will realise what he has to lose and will accept and be very grateful that the line has been drawn.

Lav - On a lighter note - thanks for the sunny day - it's arrived at last.

Have a great AF day everyone.

Tony

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters, happy Thursday to all!

Starting out with yet another hot & sunny day here but I think that's all going to change this afternoon. I have been tasked with watching my 5 year old grandson today & tomorrow, fun times. I am so grateful for a clear head & the choice I made 7 1/2 years ago. Kicking AL to the curb was the best choice for me

Hello to Tony, Justme & everyone checking in today.
Have a fabulous AF day everyone!

Lav

[bobby boy]

Afternoon everyone .
Firstly , I'd like to welcome Woody .. Hang in here , we are all in the same nest ! Your story was very interesting and I would agree with my fellow nesters that it might be a good idea to ditch that grog you made ... not in the garden though .. poor plants ! Byrd - Once again you are spot on with your post - awesome ! I would like to think of you as the 'chief of nest ' .. Just me ... I am sad that happened to you , I cant quite get it when the other person involved takes advantage ... and they know that you are 'not really all there ' .. Moni .. You cant beat yourself up about what has happened ( or not ) .. that will do your head in . Take courage and go in with your head held high ... I don't think the colleague is about to brag about anything ... He knows the truth ! Finally , I feel the need to share my personal experience with regards to the black outs and getting amorous ... after a couple of times of me being a bit over the 'safe' amount of alcohol , my husband refused to make love to me , he felt that I was disconnected (excuse the pun ) .. I was a bit hurt at the time but have gained huge RESPECT for him . We hurt the ones we love without any regard whatsoever ... I am just thankful that I have been given another chance . Take Care everyone .x

[Justme Again]

Evening Nest

Decided to take things slow this morning. I have so many decisions to make and don't know how to do everything and worry I might not make the right decisions and ... and ... and... so, decided to do nothing for half a day. Late this afternoon the whole thing was solved by someone else.
Kinda dumb struck by it. Lucky, lucky me.

What's different is that I could feel that I am overwhelmed and gave myself time to calm down before continuing to work at this problem. It is new. And seems to work!

Bobby - it amazes me that al really has an influence on every aspect of our lives. That is what makes sobriety so appealing to me, because there would be improvement on every level.

Have a good night Nest